Struggling with the thought of long term commitment to her?

[johnny2024]

Hi all. I hope it’s okay to post this here but I need someone to chat to.

I’ve been dating a woman for 2 months. 2 weeks ago we both confirmed we haven’t been seeing other people and it’s exclusive now. Still early days. No labels. But generally it’s gone well.

She treats me really well. So far this has been the healthiest relationship I’ve had. But I’m the problem. I really struggle with anxiety around commitment.

She’s 7 years older than me. I’m 29, she’s 36. And although this doesn’t make any difference when we’re in person, at times I really struggle with it.

I would say it’s the kids thing that worries me. But she hasn’t pressured me at all. I’m just aware that we’d have to start trying in max 2 years if we want a chance of doing it. And doing it is important to me at some stage. I’ve told her I’m not sure when I’d be ready. She knows.

But the main thing that bothers me is my fear of endings. I can see there is a fairly high chance that this would have to end at some point if our timelines don’t align down the road. I may want to do a year abroad. I may want to move back home. As with most relationships there’s that uncertainty. But that terrifies me. I don’t really trust myself to get out if it doesn’t serve me anymore. And breakups terrify me.

I guess maybe it’s a fear of commitment. But I genuinely do like her and I know it’s hard to find someone like this. Or at least it has been for me. I’ve been single for 4 years.

I know it’s only been 2 months. But I’m struggling a bit. Relationships can tend to make me feel really trapped. and I’m not sure if that’s because of me or if I’ve just been in the wrong ones and not able to get out?

need someone to chat to if that’s ok?

i cannot take on the responsibility for this!!! I try to bring it up all the time. She’s the one who chose to move to my country. She’s the one who tells me to go with the flow more.

if she isn’t looking ahead I can’t choose for her

But he is entirely free to choose not to date someone older than him, for whom this might become a pressing issue. He’s 29. There’s no reason for him not to be dating 25 year olds for whom children are simply not on the radar. He’s made a choice he didn’t need to make, but he needs to deal with the consequences of his inability to manage anxiety about the future, or end the relationship.

No, you can only chose if you're looking ahead and you clearly don't. It takes one person to end incompatible relationship. Leave her out of it because I NEVER told you to control her choices, only yours. And if you want to continue the relationship and your anxiety then like I already said - good luck! It's your life.

U do realise that the whole reason I posted this is coz I’m looking ahead right…

like I’m sorry. But that comment is biblically stupid.

You're a Titanic panicking about the iceberg while going straight at it with high speed wondering why you have anxiety.

Life doesn't need to be complicated. You're very young, you want to travel and take your time. You want to have a family in the future. A person you chose as partner needs to be compatible with that and it needs to feel right. Nothing wrong with being on your own until then.
Good luck whatever you decide.

Why do you have to make a choice to commit to her for life? Nobody, even married people, can guarantee that. People change their minds, sometimes decades down the line. When you enter a relationship you have to do so with the acceptance that it might go wrong or end - which is scary, yes - otherwise you’ll spend your life scared of making any deep connections.

I’m in a 6-year relationship and I wouldn’t say I’m committed for life. I’m committed for as long as we both actively want to be in the relationship.

If you’ve told this woman you’re unsure what you want your life to hold or whether/when you want kids and she’s fine with that, take her at face value. If, as some posters insinuate, she’s not being honest and is actually not fine with it and secretly wants kids sooner rather than later, then that isn’t your problem frankly. She has agency and could dump you if what you’re offering doesn’t work for her. There’s no reason to think she isn’t being truthful and is comfortable with the uncertainty, which is what you need to be if you want any relationship of yours to stand a chance.

Ah I can see you added a little insult. You're not only twisting the meaning of my every comment you also started acting very rude to someone who simply takes effort to give you honest advice. Advice that you asked for.
I'll stop engaging with you now.

Was the shedload of replies you received a couple of days ago not adequate? You were largely told you were way too immature for this relationship and to end it with her.

This post solidifies their evidence even more.

He wants kids in the future so if she's not fussed about children and happy to wait for years he won't have them with her - the relationship will end.
If she wants kids in the future then she most likely won't have them with him as at 37 she has no time to waste on someone who's at different life stage - the relationship will end.
People seem to be misinterpreting my point- I'm not saying he will be a bad guy responsible for wasting her fertile years - its her choice, she's an adult and he's been honest. What I'm saying is he's responsible for making a decision to continue a relationship which for practical reasons has unlikely chance to last or be fullfiling in a long term.

Nobody knows what will happen but in the beginning there is at least hope and belief that relationship is right. That's not the case here. If someone enters a committed relationship despite red flags or incompatibility it rarely ends well. Unless both don't want anything serious and are clear about it.

But you can choose OP. You can choose for yourself.

You have said very clearly that you do want kids but not for a few years as you want to travel etc first. Thats fine. But it's also not compatible with a relationship with a 36 year old. And for some reason you think the fact that you have told her that you want to travel etc means that you have no responsibility for how the relationship goes.

I disagree. An emotionally healthy person would end it. If it ends now, you both go your separate ways with no ill feeling and with plenty of time to heal, move on and achieve your relationship goals. The longer this goes on the harder that will be.

This is why people are saying you should not be in a relationship right now and need to work on yourself.

Finish it. All you do is discuss what ifs with her and prepare for disappointment. Its been 2 months not two years. There. Decision made.

You don't want a relationship yet, not a serious one. Stop being so dramatic. She is in a different life place to you.

Oh, and be very very careful re contraception and used condoms if you carry on messing each other about like star crossed lovers.

Because if she gets pregnant whatever she said before might not be still the same. She won't know really, how she will feel.

I guess just a lot of these commenters have made me really nervous im stealing her chance at having kids

I truly don’t even want to think about kids yet. I just want to enjoy a relationship. But I feel I’m being forced by the age difference.

Would you want to date her if she was as panicky as you? Why don't you believe what she says? She knows her own mind.

I would totally dump you if you were this full on 2 months in 😅 you barely know her! She barely knows you! It's farrrr too soon for her to know whether she wants kids with you. And plenty of women have kids after 40. Most of us don't stop being fertile on our 40th birthday.

Get therapy.

No. Which makes me question why she is interested in me at all. Although I’ve only brought this up to her once or twice.

I guess it’s just the age difference

I'm late 30s (a bit older than her), not fussed about having kids one way or the other, and would happily date someone younger with a similar outlook. Presumably what she sees in you is someone who also wants to date, travel, party.

Are you living in a culture that has more patriarchal expectations of what a man should bring to the table when dating? E.g. pick up date in a nice car, pay for dinner, well paid job, home owner etc.

I suspect you'd come up with some objections/excuses regardless of who you date. Therapy has been suggested a few times here, are you looking into it?

She may see that in me now. But what happens when that changes and I do want to settle down and find someone to have kids with ?

dont get me wrong I love an older woman. But what does happen there?

no not really. I live in London.

yeah im looking into it.

Let's do some catastrophising (just for fun!).

So if in 3.5+ years you have fertility issues (and you've checked it's not on your side), would you want to go for fertility treatments? Or would you trade her in for a gullible younger model?

If after some years of trying/treatment she can't have kids and you've eliminated other options, would you decide to find a different vessel for children? Or a partner who has up to then treated you well and gone through some difficult times?

If briefly dated someone who very quickly started talking about buying a new built house and having kids and a dog. I realised he wasn't actually putting in any effort in getting to know me as a person - it was all about this idealised image he wanted to fulfill. I dumped him because I'm a person, not a vessel.

I suspect you'll find imaginary faults with anyone age 25-40. What if she realises she's bi? What if she starts doing a sport you don't like? What if her parent is ill and she has to be a carer for a while? What if she has a cat and you're allergic to cats?

Life and love is not something you can risk assess and reduce/eliminate all eventualities for.

I don’t know the answer to any of these.

I just know the thought of never dating anyone else ever again kinda freaks me out right now. Same with the thought of having kids. And the same with the thought that I might have to sacrifice having kids coz I’ve been with her for 3 years and now I’m not allowed to leave her because of the way it’ll look.

this doesn’t mean I don’t like and care about her a lot. I’m just afraid about how intense that is.

It sounds to me that you’re not ready for a serious relationship with a future. Please consider this carefully. It’s not fair to string this woman along if she wants kids and is already 36.

My (rather elaborate) point was that there is an endless cycle of what-if questions, but it's really not relevant to your situation right now. You're catastrophising over what is unknowable. Get to know her. Allow her to get to know you. Go drink some negronis together and chill!
And get therapy! For all you know she might trade you in for a younger model in five years 😅

Why’ve you started another thread about this?

In which case the main thing I'd say is to make sure - and I do mean absolutely sure - that your own contraception is watertight so there isn't a "surprise" pregnancy

The rest can follow (or not as the case may be) but at least this way you won't risk the complication of a child being brought into it

Scared about having kids use protection scared about committing end it now
you brought all this upon yourself constantly being negative and giving what ifs. Stop putting words in your girlfriends mouth and stop talking for her she told you once and most likely many times she is happy as she is. Your being a dick grow up sort yourself out and ffs give it bloody time.

Darling, it’s not about her. It’s about you. You jave avoidant attachment stylr and you meed therapy. End it or go to therapy first and see If she cam support you