Struggling with the thought of long term commitment to her?

[johnny2024]

Hi all. I hope it’s okay to post this here but I need someone to chat to.

I’ve been dating a woman for 2 months. 2 weeks ago we both confirmed we haven’t been seeing other people and it’s exclusive now. Still early days. No labels. But generally it’s gone well.

She treats me really well. So far this has been the healthiest relationship I’ve had. But I’m the problem. I really struggle with anxiety around commitment.

She’s 7 years older than me. I’m 29, she’s 36. And although this doesn’t make any difference when we’re in person, at times I really struggle with it.

I would say it’s the kids thing that worries me. But she hasn’t pressured me at all. I’m just aware that we’d have to start trying in max 2 years if we want a chance of doing it. And doing it is important to me at some stage. I’ve told her I’m not sure when I’d be ready. She knows.

But the main thing that bothers me is my fear of endings. I can see there is a fairly high chance that this would have to end at some point if our timelines don’t align down the road. I may want to do a year abroad. I may want to move back home. As with most relationships there’s that uncertainty. But that terrifies me. I don’t really trust myself to get out if it doesn’t serve me anymore. And breakups terrify me.

I guess maybe it’s a fear of commitment. But I genuinely do like her and I know it’s hard to find someone like this. Or at least it has been for me. I’ve been single for 4 years.

I know it’s only been 2 months. But I’m struggling a bit. Relationships can tend to make me feel really trapped. and I’m not sure if that’s because of me or if I’ve just been in the wrong ones and not able to get out?

need someone to chat to if that’s ok?

You're clearly not mature enough for a relationship. Be kind and end it

Just finish this Op, you’re not ready to settle down yet and that’s fine.
Your still young and there are things you still might want to do as a single man, you have plenty of time to meet the right one.
When you do, you’ll know and won’t have these fears, you’ll want it.

But you still went ahead with the relationship in the first place.

I'm calling it that because I have seen this post, word-for-word, on so many different forums and messages boards over the past few weeks. The OP keeps posting it and either not engaging with the comments at all, or only engaging very selectively with certain comments.

I think it's bizarre because if I were the woman in the relationship, I'd certainly be a bit freaked out by the fact that my partner would rather post this multiple times in every forum he can find rather than just talking about his issues face to face.

So the OP is a complete loon and compulsive poster? Figures.

Mind you, it’s a change from the guy who regularly posts exactly the same post regularly on here about whether he’s English or British or Nigerian, only sometimes it’s about him, and sometimes it’s about his friend.

I would say things may get wobbly in the first months, why don't you give it six months to get your feelings and thoughts clear. You may end something great too quickly, to be honest I would say it is normal to maybe have mixed feelings at the beginning, it would equally be a red flag if you were love-bombed, too much too soon too fast that early on . I would give it six months, you are not stringing her alone, that is a reasonable timeframe to decide if someone is a long term potential. Sounds like she is not rushing it either and it is healthy .

1. this is not me. And 2. Who says I haven't talked to her face to face? I explicitly said I had

Far too much overthinking OP , 2 months is far too early to be thinking about the future , just enjoy getting to know one another for now

This is kinda the way I've been trying to do it. But then some people on here have told me I need to end it immediately coz I'm not head over heels from day 1. Which I likely wouldn't be with anyone

Yeah. Maybe you're right. I guess just when does a decision have to be made? we're getting closer and closer. Doesn't show any signs of having issues except for the long term things

my ex-DW who i shared 2 kids with got with a 28 year old at 36, she got a kid by him and 2 years later, he decided that she was too old for him as he still wants to go clubbing etc. Go figure.

He has gone on about his young life

This is all screaming dismissive avoidant.

I would strongly suggest therapy over attempting romantic relationships which won’t ever work because you’re terrified of feelings and intimacy.

You posted this yesterday, why are you posting it again?

You are just an attention seeker, posting this over and over again. Prat.

Yep. I doubt this woman exists. Posting on here is a way of getting female attention. 🤮

But you don't have to decide that now. It might help you to do some thinking about life goals generally. Imagine you are in your eighties or nineties. Are you surrounded by loving children and grandchildren? Or are you a lone adventurer, having one last crack at crossing an ocean or scaling a mountain? What do you definitely want to have achieved or experienced before you die? Not what society or family expect of you, but you personally?
Once you know what these things are, think about where you'd like to be in 10 years time, 5, 3, 1, six months. How are your actions now helping progress or hindering your bigger dreams?
Meanwhile, enjoy your new girlfriend's company. Stop fretting about commitment and think of it as an adventure, getting to know each other, discovering ways in which you are good together. Get to know each other. There's no pressure for this to be life-long.

I picture my self with a load of grandkids and stuff when im older yes. But not necessarily kids yet. I still want to experience life and maybe travel a bit next few years.

so that’s what I’m trying to figure out with her. She’s not stopping that right now. But I can see kids becoming an issue down the line

I have to say that this post looks extremely similar... It's one of several near identical ones I've seen

I am torn between two different pieces of advice. The first is to get out of your own head and just enjoy this new relationship for what it is. You're not ready for kids but she isn't pushing for kids, so it's fine. But if you can't do that, then please just end it and stop wasting her time.

Tbh you sound a bit difficult and seem to be overthinking things.

Just let her go. You will waste her fertile years and the relationship will likely end anyway.

I’m guess I’m just afraid of stealing her chance at kids if I decide it’s not for me long term

But this isn’t something I can control. She needs to ask me about this if it’s that big a concern. I’ve brought it up twice.

How am I overthinking. Just purely out of interest. It helps to get outside views when I’m anxious.

You’ve been dating this woman exclusively for two weeks and you’ve already catastrophised every single way you could ruin each others lives and thought about the likelihood or otherwise of your future children.

Just slow down!