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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't get over the fact dh has been so dishonest.

109 replies

Sheepondrugs · 17/09/2025 20:32

I'll start by saying this has nothing to do with infidelity.

We've been saying for a while that we could do with being more for health reasons. Dh had been going for runs occasionally, I'd been been having peri symptoms like stiffness and weight gain .
We'd talked in conversation about taking part in a run , like a marathon, and how it's a bucket list thing. I was saying I'd consider , to accomplish it .

One night , I think it was my idea , to register with the organiser so we can sign up for a race in the not too distant future. I signed up , but dh hadn't got a email verification. Anyway, it was only days later that he got a race pack in the post from the same organiser. Turns out he'd already signed up to do a 10k and not told anyone. I'm not sure he would have told me if I hadn't seen his race pack . He said he didn't want to say anything in case he didn't achieve it . I feel betrayed because I’d asked specific questions about his running and the answers he gave me were lies . He has been doing it behind my back . I feel like I've been taken for a fool , like I was stupid when I was talking about running. I was proud of my very short runs .

It's been a good few weeks . We discussed it at the time, and I spoke again about how upset I was . I'm still not any less upset and angry about it .

I just wanted to get it all off my chest.

OP posts:
Whenthetimeisright · 17/09/2025 20:37

I can't stand lies and deception OP so I'd be very upset about this as well.

Followthesunshine · 17/09/2025 20:40

I'm not really sure why you would be this upset, you've discussed getting healthier and you know he's been running. I'd be happy he felt fit enough to run a 10k - maybe he didn't want you to feel bad given you aren't where he is at yet in respect of fitness levels? Are you sure you aren't projecting onto him your feelings about your own fitness journey?

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 17/09/2025 20:40

Whenthetimeisright · 17/09/2025 20:37

I can't stand lies and deception OP so I'd be very upset about this as well.

Thank you . I feel validated .

OP posts:
Gingernessy · 17/09/2025 20:42

I'd say there were lots of reasons he's done this without you knowing
Maybe it's something he was doing for his own betterment before it was even discussed between you.
Maybe he was worried he wouldn't cut it and would let you down. Maybe he didn't want to push you into something you couldn't cope with whilst dealing with the joys of menopause.
Your reaction I expect is the very thing he was trying to avoid. Can you put behind and work towards this as a shared goal again.
Oh and you have every right to be proud of your short runs - running is hard-core working out whatever the distance.

CurlewKate · 17/09/2025 20:44

I think couples are allowed privacy. I would be a bit pissed off, but it wouldn’t really a big deal…

Thelankyone · 17/09/2025 20:46

Your reaction feels extreme to me also, and you’ve made ir about you. I think if he didn’t wish to discuss it as he was unsure if he’d do it, ok, you’re not entitled to know everything, he can do some stuff and be uncertain and not willing to discuss. If you feel your marriage is he needs to tell you everything you’re interested in, he has no privacy it’s not going to work much longer.

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 17/09/2025 20:47

Followthesunshine · 17/09/2025 20:40

I'm not really sure why you would be this upset, you've discussed getting healthier and you know he's been running. I'd be happy he felt fit enough to run a 10k - maybe he didn't want you to feel bad given you aren't where he is at yet in respect of fitness levels? Are you sure you aren't projecting onto him your feelings about your own fitness journey?

I'm upset because when I have asked specific questions, the answers have been lies . Surely it's easier to be honest , than make up lies .

There is a bit truth in what you say , but only because I haven't had the same opportunity . He's been taking time off work to train . I've been grabbing a quick run a couple of times a week.

OP posts:
Subwaystop · 17/09/2025 20:50

I wonder what in your relationship dynamic leads to the lying. Does he have form for this?

tripleginandtonic · 17/09/2025 20:52

Leave the man alone, you don't have to know every single thing about your partner. You both wanted to get healthier, seems like you're bith doing this.

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 17/09/2025 20:54

I am trying to put it behind me. I can't yet , which is the reason for my post .

He asks me questions about my running.
I also rarely get to go anywhere, except work without the dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 17/09/2025 20:54

Subwaystop · 17/09/2025 20:50

I wonder what in your relationship dynamic leads to the lying. Does he have form for this?

I'm beginning to wonder if he has lied about anything else .

OP posts:
SeeTown · 17/09/2025 20:57

I don’t think this is a big deal he didn’t want the pressure and wanted to do it without people knowing. He hasn’t betrayed you.

BeLilacSloth · 17/09/2025 21:10

I understand your upset, I take it you feel like he’s your life partner and you tell each other everything, and he’s done this behind your back. I would really want to get to the bottom of why he felt the need to keep it from you.

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 17/09/2025 21:10

SeeTown · 17/09/2025 20:57

I don’t think this is a big deal he didn’t want the pressure and wanted to do it without people knowing. He hasn’t betrayed you.

I feel betrayed. Little lies add up .

OP posts:
TryingAgainAgainAgain · 17/09/2025 21:13

I also rarely get to go anywhere, except work without the dc.

Why? Does he get alone time (apart from taking time off work)?

Sugargliderwombat · 17/09/2025 21:20

I don't think I understand your upset - he just sounds afraid of failing and maybe embarrased? Lots of people feel quite shameful when they run (I feel it now I'm trying to get back to running after 2 kids and 3 stone weight gain).

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/09/2025 21:21

I am getting a bit of a "plate left by the dishwasher" vibe here.

Is it just about the running? Or is it more about the fact that he makes a point of carving out time just for him, but doesnt facilitate (or even suggest) the same for you?
Why do you never go anywhere without the kids? Is that your choice or that you feel that you cant? Does he ever have the kids alone so you can have a day, an afternoon or even an hour to yourself?

Sugargliderwombat · 17/09/2025 21:22

I know this is harsh, but is he better at running than you? Maybe he felt a bit worried about telling you he didn't want to run with you.

Although thinking about it I'd hate running with someone no matter the pace, I loved running alone.

ClaredeBear · 17/09/2025 21:33

I can understand this. You thought this was something you were doing together and it turns out it’s something he was doing without you. He should have been more upfront.

MaurineWayBack · 17/09/2025 21:33

So the issue isn’t that much that he didn’t tell you about the 10k.
Its that you asked questions (that happened to be around running) and he lied.

I imagine you’ve asked him why he lied to you. What did he say?
Because we could all make conjectures on why but the interesting thing is what he is telling you there.

im also noticing that he is taking time off work to do his runs - how does that work?
But you dint have the luxury of training because of work + dcs.
Whats your organisation at home re having time for you to run? Surely if you’ve said together it’s be great to aim to do a half marathon Etc…. You must have talked about when you’d both be able to train. Was that a fair organisation?

I dint know there are so many little things that make me feel the issue is much bigger than him entering a 10k wo telling you.

MaurineWayBack · 17/09/2025 21:36

I am getting a bit of a "plate left by the dishwasher" vibe here.

I agree @PyongyangKipperbang

Blueblell · 17/09/2025 21:40

I am torn -I can understand wanting to keep it quiet until sure about being able to actually do it. However he shouldn’t have lied to you about once you had planned to both sign up. Is it possible he doesn’t want to share the running time with you - I mean if you both do it together you would need to take turns to look after the kids presumably.

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 17/09/2025 21:47

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 17/09/2025 21:13

I also rarely get to go anywhere, except work without the dc.

Why? Does he get alone time (apart from taking time off work)?

Sometimes he does. I feel like I have to justify time i have away from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 17/09/2025 21:48

Sugargliderwombat · 17/09/2025 21:20

I don't think I understand your upset - he just sounds afraid of failing and maybe embarrased? Lots of people feel quite shameful when they run (I feel it now I'm trying to get back to running after 2 kids and 3 stone weight gain).

I wonder if that was just his excuse after he was caught out.

OP posts:
Lamelie · 17/09/2025 21:50

tripleginandtonic · 17/09/2025 20:52

Leave the man alone, you don't have to know every single thing about your partner. You both wanted to get healthier, seems like you're bith doing this.

This. I felt suffocated reading your OP