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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I can't get over the fact dh has been so dishonest.

109 replies

Sheepondrugs · 17/09/2025 20:32

I'll start by saying this has nothing to do with infidelity.

We've been saying for a while that we could do with being more for health reasons. Dh had been going for runs occasionally, I'd been been having peri symptoms like stiffness and weight gain .
We'd talked in conversation about taking part in a run , like a marathon, and how it's a bucket list thing. I was saying I'd consider , to accomplish it .

One night , I think it was my idea , to register with the organiser so we can sign up for a race in the not too distant future. I signed up , but dh hadn't got a email verification. Anyway, it was only days later that he got a race pack in the post from the same organiser. Turns out he'd already signed up to do a 10k and not told anyone. I'm not sure he would have told me if I hadn't seen his race pack . He said he didn't want to say anything in case he didn't achieve it . I feel betrayed because I’d asked specific questions about his running and the answers he gave me were lies . He has been doing it behind my back . I feel like I've been taken for a fool , like I was stupid when I was talking about running. I was proud of my very short runs .

It's been a good few weeks . We discussed it at the time, and I spoke again about how upset I was . I'm still not any less upset and angry about it .

I just wanted to get it all off my chest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 06:41

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/09/2025 21:21

I am getting a bit of a "plate left by the dishwasher" vibe here.

Is it just about the running? Or is it more about the fact that he makes a point of carving out time just for him, but doesnt facilitate (or even suggest) the same for you?
Why do you never go anywhere without the kids? Is that your choice or that you feel that you cant? Does he ever have the kids alone so you can have a day, an afternoon or even an hour to yourself?

It could be . I have felt similar about other small things , but the issue this time has a physical record and a paper trail. It isn't just my thoughts and feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 06:43

Shinysunday · 17/09/2025 22:17

I wouldn't like it OP, but this sort of deception is more childish than devious. He wanted to succeed and amaze everyone rather than sharing an experience with you. Definitely hurtful, but it wouldn't be LTB territory for me.

Show quote history

No I'm not at the ltb stage. I am trying to get myself to move past this.

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 18/09/2025 06:43

I know what you mean op. It ist about running, it is the lying and hiw easy he found it.

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 06:45

BauhausOfEliott · 18/09/2025 00:05

There are loads of perfectly good reasons he might not have wanted to tell you, the most obvious one of which is that your resentment of his running without you is really clear and he probably knew your nose would be out joint if he told you. It’s like you don’t want him to have this for himself, and I can see why he didn’t tell you.

I'm not resentful of his running. I'm resentful of the fact that he fact his doing it has meant i haven't been able to.

OP posts:
summitfever · 18/09/2025 06:51

This is exactly the type of reason I’ll never get married again. For whatever reason he’s wanting to train and not tell anyone, and he’s not obliged to. Even when asked direct questions about it. What else was he supposed to do if you’re interrogating him and he doesn’t want to say?

If you want time to go running and he’s not helping you, that’s a separate issue to deal with and fair to bring up. Married people are still individual people and have a right to a private life as long as they’re not being unfaithful or to the detriment of their partner. This doesn’t affect you in any way and your reaction sounds intolerable to me. Nothing wrong with quietly plugging away at something, he’s clearly got a fear of appearing to have failed and isn’t confident, perhaps help him build that as opposed to invading his privacy demanding to be told his every move?

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 06:51

I said what the activity was in my op. I was tempted to be vague as I wondered if Id get different responses if it was about something other than running

I feel better in myself since I've been running.

He is not the gatekeeper of running. He doesn't get to decide who can do it, who signs up race . Outside of making arrangements obviously this is something he has more freedom to do because I'm there to do childcare etc.

Running is not an unreasonable pass time or hobby for someone to have.

OP posts:
tiredmumof2zzzz · 18/09/2025 06:54

Sorry but I don’t understand from the op where exactly the DH has told lies. They discussed signing up for a run together and later it turns out he had also signed up for the 10k. So?

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 06:56

HopingForTheBest25 · 18/09/2025 06:29

I get it - they were supposedly signing up for this race at the same time, but he'd already done it and then did that whole fake thing of pretending he couldn't sign up because he didn't get a verification code, when in fact, his pack was already on its way!

It's okay in a relationship to have things that are just for you, but there's something 'off' about not saying to the OP that he'd already signed up and in deliberately hiding his training from her. It suggests that he's untrustworthy and dishonest, that on some level this isn't a partnership. He thinks it's okay to lie to his partner.

People who lie about little things can lie about bigger ones - when you suddenly perceive that you can't entirely trust your partner, it does pull the rug out from under you, even if the particular thing they lied about, isn't that important.

I felt like I've been taken for a fool pretending to register. He could've said he registered previously when he felt motivated.

He often says I should do this that and the other but I think he calls my bluff because he expects me not to .

OP posts:
McSpoot · 18/09/2025 06:57

Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 06:51

I said what the activity was in my op. I was tempted to be vague as I wondered if Id get different responses if it was about something other than running

I feel better in myself since I've been running.

He is not the gatekeeper of running. He doesn't get to decide who can do it, who signs up race . Outside of making arrangements obviously this is something he has more freedom to do because I'm there to do childcare etc.

Running is not an unreasonable pass time or hobby for someone to have.

But he’s not gate keeping - you’ve also signed up for the race.

tiredmumof2zzzz · 18/09/2025 06:58

tiredmumof2zzzz · 18/09/2025 06:54

Sorry but I don’t understand from the op where exactly the DH has told lies. They discussed signing up for a run together and later it turns out he had also signed up for the 10k. So?

Ok got it now. It was the same 10k run you were signing up for together and he didn’t say he had signed up before. A bit strange, but not serious in my opinion.

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 06:58

tiredmumof2zzzz · 18/09/2025 06:54

Sorry but I don’t understand from the op where exactly the DH has told lies. They discussed signing up for a run together and later it turns out he had also signed up for the 10k. So?

He's lied about the distance he has ran , the frequency and where he was while he was doing it .

OP posts:
MiniPantherOwner · 18/09/2025 07:10

Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 06:45

I'm not resentful of his running. I'm resentful of the fact that he fact his doing it has meant i haven't been able to.

Show quote history

Can you explain to us why, because I'm not sure from your posts. If you told your husband that you wanted to go out for a run on X days at Y time when you're both not at work and can he watch the kids, would he refuse? This seems to be more of an issue than signing up for a race without telling you.

Luxio · 18/09/2025 07:18

Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 06:58

He's lied about the distance he has ran , the frequency and where he was while he was doing it .

Show quote history

You sound incredibly suffocating. Honestly no wonder he didn't tell you if you're reacting like this.

So he ran further and is doing better than he let on to you and yet you're still angry with him weeks later? Your response is so disproportionate.

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 07:36

Luxio · 18/09/2025 07:18

You sound incredibly suffocating. Honestly no wonder he didn't tell you if you're reacting like this.

So he ran further and is doing better than he let on to you and yet you're still angry with him weeks later? Your response is so disproportionate.

Show quote history

Most of the posts on mumsnet are about issues that the op's response is disproportionate. Scroll on , you don't need to be invested in them all .

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 07:39

MiniPantherOwner · 18/09/2025 07:10

Can you explain to us why, because I'm not sure from your posts. If you told your husband that you wanted to go out for a run on X days at Y time when you're both not at work and can he watch the kids, would he refuse? This seems to be more of an issue than signing up for a race without telling you.

Show quote history

There are very few x days and y times left after everything else . The issue is that he gives himself opportunities that he doesn’t let happen for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 07:43

I am also convinced he only told me he didn't want to tell me until after he completed the race because he got pulled up on it . I think he's sorry he got caught out , not because he was dishonest.

OP posts:
rewardh · 18/09/2025 07:47

Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 06:58

He's lied about the distance he has ran , the frequency and where he was while he was doing it .

Show quote history

Perhaps he doesn’t want you questioning him on the specifics? I am branching into running just now and of DH were asking me this level of detail I would be a bit ‘WTF?’ I often share this information but I don’t expect to be quizzed about it, it’s personal choice whether to share or not.

the issue of you having no free time is what you need to be concerned about here, not dissecting DHs run

Enrichetta · 18/09/2025 07:50

MaurineWayBack · 17/09/2025 21:36

I am getting a bit of a "plate left by the dishwasher" vibe here.

I agree @PyongyangKipperbang

Me too.

otherwise I’d have said it’s a storm in a teacup…

Ratafia · 18/09/2025 07:58

Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 07:39

There are very few x days and y times left after everything else . The issue is that he gives himself opportunities that he doesn’t let happen for me.

Show quote history

How does he not let them happen?

BitOutOfPractice · 18/09/2025 07:58

I think your reaction is a bit over the top.

I’ll tell you a story. When I started running again about 10 years ago, my DP started running too. Better than me. When I started body pump class, DP started coming too. When I started hiit class, guess what! I thought “bloody hell, is there nothing I can do just for me?” I love my DP. He’s absolutely lovely. But sometimes I want something to be mine. I wonder if your DP felt the same? I would also hate to run with someone. It’s my head clear time.

As for never getting any time away by yourself - that’s what running is for. I think this is the main issue. Your dh has taken the initiative. Now you do the same.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/09/2025 08:02

Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 07:36

Most of the posts on mumsnet are about issues that the op's response is disproportionate. Scroll on , you don't need to be invested in them all .

Show quote history

Oh, after leaving a heartfelt response I now see that you are only interested in having your fury validated, not other people’s opinions and advice Ok. You crack on.

Original poster
Sheepondrugs · 18/09/2025 08:05

McSpoot · 18/09/2025 06:57

But he’s not gate keeping - you’ve also signed up for the race.

Show quote history

Not the same race , this was a future thing .

OP posts:
Neemie · 18/09/2025 08:05

DH and I have things we keep to ourselves. Doesn’t everyone?

If you want to go for a run, put your running stuff on and when the kids have had dinner or are going to have a bath or DH is going to watch tv, just say ‘I’m going for a run. See you in 30mins’. Once you have done that a few times everyone will just accept it as something you do.

Luxio · 18/09/2025 08:05

BitOutOfPractice · 18/09/2025 08:02

Oh, after leaving a heartfelt response I now see that you are only interested in having your fury validated, not other people’s opinions and advice Ok. You crack on.

Show quote history

It's really not a healthy approach to perceived issues in a relationship to be so angry for weeks after. Especially for such a trivial issue. Hopefully the OP will heed the very helpful advice given by yourself and others on this thread but unfortunately I suspect she will just continue to hold onto her resentment.

Dozer · 18/09/2025 08:09

Understandable to be annoyed that he lied.

I’m confused about why him running means you can’t. Is it because he does it on days he works out of the home, then works longer to make the time up so isn’t home to parent so that you can run? (rather than talk about it and agree what weekdays each of you will cover the parenting). If so, that’s shit of him.

Start prioritising yourself and identify time slots for exercise - DH doing his fair share, including weekdays.

He’s not U, however, not to want to talk much about ‘getting healthy’ topics as a couple: lots of people prefer not to. If that’s his preference he should tell you!