I can't get over the fact dh has been so dishonest.

[Sheepondrugs]

I'll start by saying this has nothing to do with infidelity.

We've been saying for a while that we could do with being more for health reasons. Dh had been going for runs occasionally, I'd been been having peri symptoms like stiffness and weight gain .
We'd talked in conversation about taking part in a run , like a marathon, and how it's a bucket list thing. I was saying I'd consider , to accomplish it .

One night , I think it was my idea , to register with the organiser so we can sign up for a race in the not too distant future. I signed up , but dh hadn't got a email verification. Anyway, it was only days later that he got a race pack in the post from the same organiser. Turns out he'd already signed up to do a 10k and not told anyone. I'm not sure he would have told me if I hadn't seen his race pack . He said he didn't want to say anything in case he didn't achieve it . I feel betrayed because I’d asked specific questions about his running and the answers he gave me were lies . He has been doing it behind my back . I feel like I've been taken for a fool , like I was stupid when I was talking about running. I was proud of my very short runs .

It's been a good few weeks . We discussed it at the time, and I spoke again about how upset I was . I'm still not any less upset and angry about it .

I just wanted to get it all off my chest.

I can imagine being a bit put out initially but honestly can’t believe you’re still fuming 3 weeks later. There must be more to it.

If I were you this is what I would discuss with him. You need to make sure that you're both getting equal opportunities to do your own thing, whether that's running or something else. I don't think there's anything wrong with him signing up for a race without telling you, lots of people would rather keep it quiet until they are sure there going to be able to do it. I do understand you being annoyed that he didn't tell you about it when you suggested signing up though.

You need to make your own time. When ours were little (I presume yours are, hence the guilt?) DH would stop at the gym on the way home from work, and then I’d have my running kit on and I was out of the door as soon as he got back. At the weekends we’d each have an hour or so to do our exercise and the other would look after the kids.

Training for a 10k does not take hours and hours - it’s 3 times a week most of those runs will be less then an hour each.

what questions did you ask and what lies did he tell you?

People saying ‘just go for a run’: OP hasn’t said what time her H leaves and returns from work. It’s getting dark in the evenings now and many women runners feel unsafe running at dusk / dark

I Understand you being upset. This was something you were hoping to work towards together. A mutual project. Perhaps you don’t get time to do things together often.
So you, all enthusiastic about this joint project of improving your health found something you could both work towards and he’s not had that same vision.
In fact, he’s wanted to progress without you. Maybe because he was anxious as he felt he wouldn’t be able to do it, maybe he wanted to prove something to you or himself, maybe he wanted to get one up on you, maybe you were annoying him..
Whatever his reason, he ended up lying about it and that’s upset you.
Is this something that happens often? Does he tend to put himself first in the relationship or lie often?
If it’s not usual behaviour, then perhaps some more conversation and understanding is required on your part.
If it is usual behaviour then more conversation is still required but you are completely justified to be livid.

You say here he is not the gatekeeper of running and doesn’t get to choose who signs up. So why are you being the gatekeeper of running?

He signed up to a 10K without telling you about it - please have some perspective as to how petty it is to still be cross about this 3 weeks later. People are going through so much worse in their relationships and this is just a non event!

I feel your reaction is disproportionate to what he’s done. He wants to do a run, it’s something for him and his own personal health. There is no ulterior motive (unless he has a sexy running buddy).

You are making out this is some huge betrayal but to what end? It’s just a run! He probably didn’t mention it because he was worried he might not be able to do the full 10k or because he didn’t want to rub it in your face when you’re not as his running level. Or maybe he just wanted something for himself, it is allowed even when you’re married.

🙄🙄🙄

This is why you're cross. Speak to him about this.

By not being there I presume.

op, the best way you can move past this is by running. It’s by leaving him with the dc and walking out the door to run. It’s by joining a gym and leaving when he gets home to run on a treadmill so you can run when he’s late and he doesn’t get to avoid parenting. Stay calm and pour your energy into you. Either he will respect it and see he needs to support you too, or he will resent it deeply and you’ll see who he really is. I hope you rock your 10k :) don’t forget to ask him to arrange the babysitting for the event itself.

This ^ I’ve done things like driving tests without telling my partner or anyone because I don’t want the pressure or to have to tell people if I fail. But I suppose maybe it would be different if it was something I’d agreed to do with someone else. Maybe I’d panic in the moment if I wasn’t sure if I was going to do/achieve it

If (as it seems) OP’s H has been (secretly) regularly extending his working day to take time out for exercise, knowing that OP also wishes to exercise and can’t on weekdays unless he parents the DC, and lying about it, that’s a betrayal IMO.

God you just sound a bit much OP, I can’t see the issue here but if this is how intense you usually are then I can’t blame him for not sharing every little detail of his life.

He’s been taking time off work to train…. for a 10k?! 10k is a 1 hour leisurely jog. How on earth does he need time off work to train for that? I’d worry more that he’s not telling the truth about his time off tbh.

This thread is bonkers!

OP and her DH agreed to start running to get healthier and at some point maybe sign up for a race.

OP has had limited time to run due to DC/life in general and thought her DH was in the same position.

Turns out he’s been secretly taking time off work to get more runs in and deliberately hiding it from OP. Not only that, he secretly signed up to a race when they’d previously discussed doing that together.

Why am I the only one who seems to think this is utterly bizarre behaviour?!

This.

It’s a run! He is entitled to run when he wants to and can. Yes he should be helping op to get her runs in too because that’s how a partnership works but ‘taking time off work and deliberately hiding it’ all sounds very clandestine for a bloody run!

Maybe he’s realised he prefers running alone. There is no way I’d still be stewing on this three weeks on. I’d maybe feel a bit disappointed that he’d booked in for the race without me but I think this is all a very OTT reaction.

I think I'd annoyed by the lying too OP, if only because it's such a bizarre, non-event to lie about. If he's lying about this so freely what else is he lying about?

Why didn't he just say 'oh I've signed up for a 10k already' instead of pretending to register with you?

All these people wanting to run in private are far more odd to me that the OP. It's gentle exercise, not a world record attempt. Who actually even cares (other than yourself) if you don't complete a 10k you've signed up for? No one.

As for the attitude of 'if I don't want to talk about something with my partner I don't have to' well where do you draw the line? I'm sorry but in a relationship open and honest communication should be normal and accepted. Not saying I update my DH on every single thing I do but if he asks about a hobby I'm not going to lie about it, because that's weird and crazy.

I hate lying - but surely this is just a bit like not telling anyone you've got your driving test? I've done the same myself occasionally when I've gone for jobs and not told my other half because I didn't want to feel more pressure or the embarrassment if I didn't get it. I might be a bit offended he didn't feel he could tell me, but i couldn't be upset about it weeks later.

I'd say this is much more about his low self esteem then it is about being a lying asshole.

nobody is saying he can’t run…… but who on earth takes time off work to go for a run and HIDES IT??!!

bizarre behaviour

I'm amazed at the number of posters who would be so blase about their partners being secretive about their activities and actions if they were on the receiving end.

If he's being secretive about that what else is he hiding.

This has got to be a wind up! OP and many other posters on here seem very controlling, it is not your right to know everything your partner says and does.

There's a bit of a difference between not telling your partner you've signed up for a race

and repeatedly having conversations with them about how you both ought to start running and find time to train and sign up for a race, knowing full well you've already done all that without them!

My DP secretly plays his guitar when I’m not there. He stops when I get home because he’s shy. He’s not even got the decency to tell me what he’s played. And he spends money on guitars. Sneaky bastard.

But you do know he plays and buys instruments It's not a secret....