I can't get over the fact dh has been so dishonest.

[Sheepondrugs]

I'll start by saying this has nothing to do with infidelity.

We've been saying for a while that we could do with being more for health reasons. Dh had been going for runs occasionally, I'd been been having peri symptoms like stiffness and weight gain .
We'd talked in conversation about taking part in a run , like a marathon, and how it's a bucket list thing. I was saying I'd consider , to accomplish it .

One night , I think it was my idea , to register with the organiser so we can sign up for a race in the not too distant future. I signed up , but dh hadn't got a email verification. Anyway, it was only days later that he got a race pack in the post from the same organiser. Turns out he'd already signed up to do a 10k and not told anyone. I'm not sure he would have told me if I hadn't seen his race pack . He said he didn't want to say anything in case he didn't achieve it . I feel betrayed because I’d asked specific questions about his running and the answers he gave me were lies . He has been doing it behind my back . I feel like I've been taken for a fool , like I was stupid when I was talking about running. I was proud of my very short runs .

It's been a good few weeks . We discussed it at the time, and I spoke again about how upset I was . I'm still not any less upset and angry about it .

I just wanted to get it all off my chest.

I don't think we'd run with each other. We'd take turns running, while one of us looked after dc.

Not sure if he is a better runner as such . He has certainly had more time to train .
Anyway, it doesn't matter for the purpose of the races we were looking at , they aren't for elite runners . You sign up and pay your fee. He also isn't the gatekeeper of the runs .

His wife knowing isn’t pressure.

I would say he doesn’t give a stuff about OP’s health. He’s obsessed with his own health. Which is unfortunate as it’s OP getting bashed about by the menopause. Not her self centered DH.

He should be facilitating OP looking after her health, not sneaking off to better himself.

anywya Op, here’s a tip for you. Cardio is not much good in menopause. What you need is strength training/ menopause specific exercise. Get it on your TV from YouTube for free. You could do it whist your self obsessed DH is out.

Is it him you need to convince about time away from the kids, or yourself?

This is the first thing to address. You're not on a level playing field and it's because he gets to detach and do his own thing and you don't.

Is he afraid that you would do better than if if ye did equal amounts of training so I order to get one up on you he has to secretly train…..do you have a better job than him, earn more, are more intelligent…..?

I think you're being very unreasonable and suffocating. No wonder he felt the need to lie if this is normally how you react.

I wouldn't like it OP, but this sort of deception is more childish than devious. He wanted to succeed and amaze everyone rather than sharing an experience with you. Definitely hurtful, but it wouldn't be LTB territory for me.

Book yourself a couple of running slots, time at the gym or personal trainer - whatever. Then tell him he needs to be home at that time. Do make it coincide with getting supper on the table, homework and bath time. You can make sure he has what he needs but do not prep it. Set your expectations before you go: you do not want to return to children running around a bomb site or a post apocalypse kitchen.
Then go out and leave them to it. Nothing tastes better than fitness and strength.

Hmm I dunno. I signed up for the kilt walk and didn’t tell anyone including my husband for ages and tbh I only told him as I needed him to drive me there! I totally get the fear of failure and that it’s worse if more people know. But it’s a bit weird if you were doing it too not to mention it. However, I think your reaction seems extreme, especially all this time later.

What were the actual lies? Are you just seeing them that way? Are you maybe jealous that he’s had time to train and able to do a 10k whereas you don’t feel the same way, so you’re looking at this as worse than it is?

At the weekend I ran a half marathon distance for the first time. I just did it by myself. I set off for my run, didn't tell dh my intention in case I flopped and felt like an eejit. I know it's not exactly the same situation but sometimes it is easier to just focus on your own goals without outside noise getting in the way, even if the person is supportive or whatever. I think it's OK to keep pieces of yourself for yourself even when you are in a relationship. Running for me is about challenging myself and time to just focus on myself. It's not a team sport. Maybe your dh is just in the zone and he doesn't want to let anyone else in in case they ruin it.

Is this the real reason you’re annoyed

lying is bad but I don’t think the level of your reaction is proportionate

Who makes you feel like you have to justify it?

I'd have a problem with this @Sheepondrugs because my 'D'H wants to know the ins and outs of a duck's arse regarding me/my life, yet HE doesn't share info hardly at all... 🙄

That’s a massive issue right there.

Is he looking after the kids while you run? Can you take time off work? Kindly op, you feeling like you have to justify time away from the kids is a you problem. It’s very common for mums. Think of yourself as a healthy 80year old grandma- all the justification you need right there, and go for your run/ step out for a walk.

id move on from the lies as getting fit is a sensitive topic and you also need to distill how you feel but first I’d say the lies hurt me, I’m wondering what else you lie about, and i was pushing both of us to be healthy while you were off working on yourself so I clearly need to focus on just me more as that’s how this marriage works. And be more selfish.

I'm sorry OP but this is bonkers.

He said he didn't want to say anything in case he didn't achieve it which is perfectly valid, I would probably feel the same. As I have got older I tell people less and less in case I don't do the thing or it falls through and then there is no pressure on me.

He is entitled to have something for himself. Unless there is some massive backstory coming.

I think an omission like this when it’s something he is worried he won’t achieve and doesn’t want to tell people about because then there’s added pressure is fine and you should cut him some slack.

I would address the fact that he seeks to have more time for his running than you do though and try to carve out some time for you to catch up and maybe run the race together?

I might be a little hurt by this, but 'betrayed' , 'lies and deception' sounds a tad much. I'd think about why he felt the need to lie about something so innocuous. I don't mean has he lied about anything else, but perhaps he was wary of your reaction in some way? As pp have said, if it is an otherwise healthy relationship, maybe think beyond this to your relationship dynamic (what each of you is bringing to the table).

I don’t like lies and I find it destabilising and it makes me wonder what else they’ve lied about. I don’t know about this situation here because everyone’s saying you’re being unreasonable but I think if you’ve had a direct conversation and he’s lied to your face about something you discussed doing together then it’s weird.
why would anyone suggest you pussyfoot around him in case he’s anxious about not achieving it, surely you’d be worried about your achievement too but you’re brave enough to bring up the subject and discuss a plan with him ergo he should show the same level of transparency back

There are loads of perfectly good reasons he might not have wanted to tell you, the most obvious one of which is that your resentment of his running without you is really clear and he probably knew your nose would be out joint if he told you. It’s like you don’t want him to have this for himself, and I can see why he didn’t tell you.

I get it - they were supposedly signing up for this race at the same time, but he'd already done it and then did that whole fake thing of pretending he couldn't sign up because he didn't get a verification code, when in fact, his pack was already on its way!

It's okay in a relationship to have things that are just for you, but there's something 'off' about not saying to the OP that he'd already signed up and in deliberately hiding his training from her. It suggests that he's untrustworthy and dishonest, that on some level this isn't a partnership. He thinks it's okay to lie to his partner.

People who lie about little things can lie about bigger ones - when you suddenly perceive that you can't entirely trust your partner, it does pull the rug out from under you, even if the particular thing they lied about, isn't that important.

I think it depends upon if he lies about other things. My DH lies to everyone about the silliest of things, and it wears me down. He thinks I get mad about little things, but when you add it all together it’s a lot of deception, and I hate that people can see he’s lying. I think it looks bad on me too, yet I hate lies.

Not at all. However, I have found that sometimes people don't like those close to them improving themselves (in general) so i wonder if it's a bit of that.

‘’People who lie about little things can lie about bigger ones - when you suddenly perceive that you can't entirely trust your partner, it does pull the rug out from under you, even if the particular thing they lied about, isn't that important.’’
This, exactly.

Well with that sort of snide attitude, finding ways to twist it - of course he’s going to be discreet.

This seems to be about multiple things for you OP and it is hard to get a handle on which are actually important.

1. When kept his own training progress close to his chest.
2. you feel resentful that you don’t get out to train as he does.
3. You feel stupid that he lied.

Some of these are bigger issues, than others, but it is obvious that communication is not great between you.
Why did he not say he had already entered? You don’t believe the reason proffered, and seem to believe he did it for the purpose of having one up on you, or is that reading too much into your posts?

The fact you are still not over it 3 weeks later would indicate one of two situations to me (a) This is the tip of a much bigger ice berg or (b) This reaction is totally “in character” for you and he cannot do right for doing wrong.