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Original poster

I'm a bit stuck now with some bad news...

412 replies

JustaGirlTrying · 17/09/2025 17:41

Hi all.

Maybes a bit of a long post, so I do apologise.

I have just been given bad news by my ex boyfriend that he has cancer. He's only late 40s and we spent over a decade together and we're friends first. It was a bit of a turbulent relationship at times, but we had some good times, made memories and just couldn't deal with the world well, but we don't hold that against each other.

We properly spilt a few years ago, but remained friends and he helped me out a lot when I hurt my back and the most supportive person when my grandad died.

I am now in a new relationship, but it's a relationship I wish I had never gotten into and it's seems very hard to get out of. Hes a much older man, controlling, condescending and just basically won't get out of my life and I've asked him many times to. We do have nice days, but he is very teenage like, very argumentative and always has to be right. Sexually coercive and just a bit of a head do. I don't want to get the police involved and my parents are very close to removing him from house..... Anyways..... That will all be sorted out soon...

My ex and I are amicable, I do care for him and he's a nice lad, helps anyone with anything type of person. Now that I have been told this cancer news I am immediately wanting to help him. I see him for the first time in 9 months tomorrow at the hospital. He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.

He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo. He has a loving mother, he has a daughter I don't know of they are estranged still, and he has a sister he half gets on with. He's well known as a good lad around the area and has nice mates.

In my mind, (maybes it's panic), but I am thinking of asking him when he gets better from chemo if he wants to come and stay with me for a bit (nothing sexual) as I have moved out into the countryside. In my mind I am hoping to help him get his immune system back naturally and show him that it's ok to take time out to heal. He's a massive stickler for working and is constantly employed working hard. I live alone (technically) with our cat we got together 11 years ago.

He never looked after his health and I just feel he deserves a second chance hopefully in life to redeem himself and see a new outlook on life and cherish it. I am no way looking to have a couple relationship with him again, but he is a great friend.

When I found out this morning, I told my current partner (1 year) and he started trying to lecture me about cancer as he thinks I'm thick, and were both holistic so I dont know what he was trying to tell me. I told him I wasn't interested in what he had to say as I know what he was pushing and I shouted at him and he got pissy at me and we haven't spoken since. He's left to take his dog out, not even texted me to see if I'm ok. No emotional support at all.

I'm in bad health myself with my bad back and been in bed depressed all day in tears, having to contact old mutual friends and stuff. I've been helping out with trying to get my ex with pip and stuff like that, get the ball rolling until I see him face to face.

I'm literally sick of my current fella draining me like he does and he has his own place but chooses to live here with all his stuff clogging my house up just being lazy and making excuses.

I feel like my ex deserves my help so much more than this narcissist and maybe he will just leave anyways when he's not getting the attention.

I don't know what I'm writing here, I'm just getting stuff out, but do you think it's unreasonable or weird to ask my ex if he wants to stay on a bed downstairs to try and heal? He's been living with his mam for a year or so and she's getting on mid 70s now and wasn't well herself last year.

Obvs I will wait until I get this current one out of my house first!

Thanks for reading if you did, please go easy on me, I'm not after any negativity.

OP posts:
Didimum · 17/09/2025 17:46

He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.
He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo.

I don’t have any advice as to your question, but please ensure you do not attempt to persuade this man towards fake treatment. It’s so irresponsible and dangerous. I’m not sure why that even forms part of your post.

Original poster
JustaGirlTrying · 17/09/2025 17:49

Didimum · 17/09/2025 17:46

He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.
He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo.

I don’t have any advice as to your question, but please ensure you do not attempt to persuade this man towards fake treatment. It’s so irresponsible and dangerous. I’m not sure why that even forms part of your post.

I see what your saying, but I didn't say I'm stopping him from getting chemo if you read it properly.

After he has had chemo I was thinking of offering him respite and supplying him with lots of cold pressed fruit juices and an organic healthy diet and walks/wheelchair in the countryside.

He was a big drinker with a very processed diet which didn't help him obviously.

Please don't just think of holistic as being mumbo jumbo. Hollistic is natural health.

OP posts:
WhattheFudgeareyouonabout · 17/09/2025 17:50

Agree with @Didimum. You have absolutely no right to influence him on his chosen course of treatment.

Sort your own life out first as your partner sounds unhinged.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/09/2025 17:50

One job at once, when he returns from walking the dog tell him he needs go within 24 hours and he can arrabge to have his stuff moved within the week.

Original poster
JustaGirlTrying · 17/09/2025 17:51

WhattheFudgeareyouonabout · 17/09/2025 17:50

Agree with @Didimum. You have absolutely no right to influence him on his chosen course of treatment.

Sort your own life out first as your partner sounds unhinged.

People need to read the post properly.

NOWHERE DID I SAY IM STOPPING HIM OR INFLUENCING HIM.

OP posts:
Ohmygodthepain · 17/09/2025 17:52

Holistic is your choice, chemo is his.

<Deletes epic rant about making actual effective medical choices in the same position>

You need to get the new chap out. Today. He has somewhere to go, there is nothing at all appealing about him, he's coercive and he's sexually assaulted you. Pack up his stuff and change the locks. He's got no right to inflict himself up on you or your home. Involve the police if you must.

outerspacepotato · 17/09/2025 17:54

Please don't interfere with his oncologist's recommended cancer treatment¡!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The so called "natural" and "holistic remedies do not necessarily mesh well with chemo or radiation. You would be doing him a huge disservice and stepping way out of your lane.

If he like working, he should stay working. It can give him a sense of normality when the shit's hitting the fan. My husband worked until just a couple months before he died.

Don't bring this poor dude into your relationship. End things if you choose, but don't put a fucking target on him.

A lot of your post is mememe and that's not really a good mindset when being a caregiver for someone with cancer. I know through experience.

SoScarletItWas · 17/09/2025 17:55

Two separate questions.

Absolutely end things with your current DP and don’t let him back into your house, as it’s not working.

I would counsel that big news like this has a way of making us consider our own mortality. I wonder if you’re hankering after the relationship you had with Ex while you were younger. You say you’re not considering anything sexual but perhaps you are ‘protesting too much’.

By all means offer him some country fresh air and respite after he’s finished his chemo and any other treatment. Just be honest with both of you as to what you’re hoping for.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 17/09/2025 17:55

It does sound like it seems easier to (attempt to) sort out someone else's life than your own. As a pp said, address your own current situation first, start by getting rid of that partner and changing your locks.

MiseryIn · 17/09/2025 17:55

My friend died having had a miserable last few months trying the “hollistic” approach. I wish he’d just had a fag really as nothing would have helped anyway.

but otherwise - yes you can look after him if he wants it!

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:56

Your focus needs to be getting out of an abusive relationship

and then look at taking on a caring role for your ex
or….
just enjoying being single and fancy free

SummerCanDoOne · 17/09/2025 17:57

Sort out your relationship and stop seeing this ex as a crutch to prop you up in his absence, however well-intentioned your holistic approach may be.

You can be there for him in all manner of ways without moving him in. He also has family who presumably may want to be be involved.

Prioritise your own health and wellbeing first, be a good friend by all means but don't go rushing into this.

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:58

JustaGirlTrying · 17/09/2025 17:49

I see what your saying, but I didn't say I'm stopping him from getting chemo if you read it properly.

After he has had chemo I was thinking of offering him respite and supplying him with lots of cold pressed fruit juices and an organic healthy diet and walks/wheelchair in the countryside.

He was a big drinker with a very processed diet which didn't help him obviously.

Please don't just think of holistic as being mumbo jumbo. Hollistic is natural health.

Edited
Show quote history

So no need to put a label on

give him good food and some fresh air

Giggorata · 17/09/2025 17:58

I think you need to jettison your current partner before you do anything else.
And live alone, peacefully, with no repercussions, for a while, building your own strength.
Only then will you be in a position to offer your ex a peaceful environment.

Sassylovesbooks · 17/09/2025 17:59

At the moment your priority is to sort out your own life. I completely understand you want to help your ex-partner, but he doesn't need to be dragged into your relationship woes. If you're unhappy in your current relationship, then you need to end it, and ask him to move out. If he refuses, gather his belongings, put them on the doorstep and change the locks. He has his own home to go to, he's not destitute. Only then, can you begin to even think about offering your ex any support.

Jujujudo · 17/09/2025 17:59

Get rid of current partner. He’s abusive and you need to be firm. Tell him it’s over, be strong. Advocate for yourself. If you need help then ask your parents to be there for back up.
Regarding your ex.. it’s his cancer so please just let him do it his way. A lot of people get overwhelmed with offers of alternative or holistic approaches. Whatever you think he needs is your business, not his. If you want to take care of him you must put your needs aside and do it his way.
Good luck!

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:59

and my parents are very close to removing him from house..

come again? You live with your parents and abusive partner?

ErrolTheDragon · 17/09/2025 17:59

Fgs get the controlling unsupportive git out of your life.

Then, down the line if you want to offer your ex some nurturing convalescence you can.

I think some posters aren’t reading what you read and jumping on ‘holistic’ as meaning anti evidence based medicine - but it doesn’t have to be that way. Proper medical advice and treatment is obviously essential but good diet, rest etc are also very important. I took your posts as meaning that really - not an either/or.

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/09/2025 18:00

As a cancer survivor who had a “friend” tell me not to bother with chemo and radio as it was “poison” and I should just do juicing instead, you are extremely unreasonable to suggest a holistic approach to cancer will leave him anything but dead. By all means encourage healthy diet etc but a more “holistic” approach is not an option for somebody who needs chemo. If I’d listened to my now ex friend, I’d be dead .

Eyesopenwideawake · 17/09/2025 18:01

Tell current partner to fuck off. If he doesn't ask the police to repeat the message.

SquishyGloopyBum · 17/09/2025 18:02

This isn’t for you to do. Your making his cancer about you.

sort you own life out before jumping into rescuer mode. I think this is about you wanting to be needed more than anything else.

get rid of the partner though.

Original poster
JustaGirlTrying · 17/09/2025 18:03

Can I just reiterate to the people that don't understand...

I am not trying to go against anyone's medical treatment ffs. I have just had to take a prescription for an inhaler and steroids myself.

I am simply saying I would like to help him eat healthy and get back into a good diet. What is wrong with that????

No where did I say I am swapping his medications or anything or do you all believe he should be eating crap like McDonald's to help him alongside his medication? Unbelievable and instantly judgemental the lot of yous.

I was simply just wanting to help somebody who is stuck in hospital with a bag hanging out of him and three cancer diagnosis. So I doubt he will be back at work tomorrow like.

Hardly me me me when all I wanted to do was help and wonder of it was a weird thing to do something nice for someone who used to have a healthy lifestyle and no cancer when we were together.

F'sakes.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustaGirlTrying · 17/09/2025 18:04

Palepinkpls · 17/09/2025 17:59

and my parents are very close to removing him from house..

come again? You live with your parents and abusive partner?

No my parents know this person is in my life and making me miserable in my own house. Due to me not being well myself hale has taken advantage of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustaGirlTrying · 17/09/2025 18:06

SummerCanDoOne · 17/09/2025 17:57

Sort out your relationship and stop seeing this ex as a crutch to prop you up in his absence, however well-intentioned your holistic approach may be.

You can be there for him in all manner of ways without moving him in. He also has family who presumably may want to be be involved.

Prioritise your own health and wellbeing first, be a good friend by all means but don't go rushing into this.

Ok thank you, I appreciate this more balanced and understanding reply. I am.in a state of high upset and shock and everyone seems to just look at something they are misunderstanding.

I came here for that, not what seems to be happening in this well intentioned thread.

OP posts:
MsTamborineMan · 17/09/2025 18:07

Firstly leave your abusive partner

Secondly by all means support your ex, offer him a place to stay if that's what you really want. But juices and healthy organic food won't cure his cancer and won't do anything to help with the side effects of chemotherapy, or help him "regain his immune system"

Depending on his prognosis and type of cancer it may not be the best thing for him. And may not have any affect on the liklihood of recurrence. "After chemotherapy" is a long way off and you have no idea as to what his dietary needs will be at that point.