I'm a bit stuck now with some bad news...

[JustaGirlTrying]

Hi all.

Maybes a bit of a long post, so I do apologise.

I have just been given bad news by my ex boyfriend that he has cancer. He's only late 40s and we spent over a decade together and we're friends first. It was a bit of a turbulent relationship at times, but we had some good times, made memories and just couldn't deal with the world well, but we don't hold that against each other.

We properly spilt a few years ago, but remained friends and he helped me out a lot when I hurt my back and the most supportive person when my grandad died.

I am now in a new relationship, but it's a relationship I wish I had never gotten into and it's seems very hard to get out of. Hes a much older man, controlling, condescending and just basically won't get out of my life and I've asked him many times to. We do have nice days, but he is very teenage like, very argumentative and always has to be right. Sexually coercive and just a bit of a head do. I don't want to get the police involved and my parents are very close to removing him from house..... Anyways..... That will all be sorted out soon...

My ex and I are amicable, I do care for him and he's a nice lad, helps anyone with anything type of person. Now that I have been told this cancer news I am immediately wanting to help him. I see him for the first time in 9 months tomorrow at the hospital. He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.

He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo. He has a loving mother, he has a daughter I don't know of they are estranged still, and he has a sister he half gets on with. He's well known as a good lad around the area and has nice mates.

In my mind, (maybes it's panic), but I am thinking of asking him when he gets better from chemo if he wants to come and stay with me for a bit (nothing sexual) as I have moved out into the countryside. In my mind I am hoping to help him get his immune system back naturally and show him that it's ok to take time out to heal. He's a massive stickler for working and is constantly employed working hard. I live alone (technically) with our cat we got together 11 years ago.

He never looked after his health and I just feel he deserves a second chance hopefully in life to redeem himself and see a new outlook on life and cherish it. I am no way looking to have a couple relationship with him again, but he is a great friend.

When I found out this morning, I told my current partner (1 year) and he started trying to lecture me about cancer as he thinks I'm thick, and were both holistic so I dont know what he was trying to tell me. I told him I wasn't interested in what he had to say as I know what he was pushing and I shouted at him and he got pissy at me and we haven't spoken since. He's left to take his dog out, not even texted me to see if I'm ok. No emotional support at all.

I'm in bad health myself with my bad back and been in bed depressed all day in tears, having to contact old mutual friends and stuff. I've been helping out with trying to get my ex with pip and stuff like that, get the ball rolling until I see him face to face.

I'm literally sick of my current fella draining me like he does and he has his own place but chooses to live here with all his stuff clogging my house up just being lazy and making excuses.

I feel like my ex deserves my help so much more than this narcissist and maybe he will just leave anyways when he's not getting the attention.

I don't know what I'm writing here, I'm just getting stuff out, but do you think it's unreasonable or weird to ask my ex if he wants to stay on a bed downstairs to try and heal? He's been living with his mam for a year or so and she's getting on mid 70s now and wasn't well herself last year.

Obvs I will wait until I get this current one out of my house first!

Thanks for reading if you did, please go easy on me, I'm not after any negativity.

Most people see that as being hollictic also so I gave that description for clarity... Which obviously hasn't work out that clear!

Are you obsessed with helping your exBF because you’re too scared to face your own mess with this new guy whip is controlling and abusive?

One step at a time. Get rid of your current partner and enlist you parents help to do so if necessary. It's your home thankfully so you need to reclaim it. Tell him to leave and block him on everything.
Meanwhile support your friend through his chemo and if he needs respite care then in due course by all means offer it to him whilst he recuperates.

Here's something you're not getting, OP.

Ex might not want to live out in the country and eat a healthy diet. Ex might want to stay in their familiar home and eat sausage and Whataburger and drink coke. They might want to indulge themselves. Or, they might just not want to eat. They might want to be alone when they're feeling awful. They might want to work.

It really sounds like you're going to use his illness as your out from your relationship and push your holistic care ideas on someone who wouldn't choose that on his own.

Fix your own life. Your intentions might be good but they could lead to unhappy consequences and this is not the time to push your chosen lifestyle on to someone who is vulnerable.

It is me me me. You are fantasising about saving this man from cancer with your healthy diet and sea air.

In all likelihood right now whether he eats a mcdonalds or not is going to have fuck all affect on how he's feeling, or whether he recovers,. If it's something he eats, he can keep down and cheers him up, often that is a good thing.

A "good diet" for someone with cancer, or struggling after cancer may not be what you envisage it is. You are not his doctor or his dietician, and clearly have no idea as to diet and cancer. You are not the best person to provide nutritional support (which may not be what he wants or his medical team suggests)

Obviously you are upset, a friend has told you a devastating diagnosis. But you need to take a step back.

You don't need another project - especially when you'd be moving him in as a human shield against your current abusive partner.

It would be hard to 'heal' with him banging on your door about moving your ex in, after all.

everyone seems to just look at something they are misunderstanding.

And you are focussing on defending your holistic approach to health, while ignoring all the posts suggesting that you sort out your own life before even attempting to help someone else who is in such a vulnerable position. It's called displacement behaviour.

So you are not well yourself
You are in a seriously abusive relationship
You need your parents to end the relationship for you
and they still haven’t managed to do that

and you’re thinking of taking on the caring role for an ex (presumably an ex for a reason)

No Op, just no

Sounds like are using the cancer diagnosing to get back with the ex and get rid of the current.
get rid first. Then only help when asked. You sound needy and it sounds like u are helping to just feel needed. He is your ex for a reason. He has family to help. You sound like u need to spend time by yourself and find out who you really are. Then you can do just little things for this guy when he really needs help from you. Not to run about as if you’re his partner. You’re not. U need to put yourself first.

also. If this guy who is going to be feeling crap and needs as
Much calories in him ,who the hell are you to say he’s not to eat crap like McDonalds or that it’s not good for him? Dietician are you? Believe me, when you see someone so ill that they cant even sip a calorie packed prescribed milkshake full of nutrients you would be actually jumping for joy and crying happy tears if they turned round and scoffed a McDonalds. You are the judgy one hun and it makes me think you don’t know the first thing about what this guy might be about to face.

That is a very fair and realistic message. In the past 5 years I have lost my grandad to cancer and was with him when he died, and also my childhood friend who was like my sister, so Im just wanting to think I can save him coz I don't want him to go too.

The OP’s “project” needs to be to sort her own life and health out!

I don’t understand how your current partner just basically won't get out of my life and I've asked him many times to. Why is it his choice? If it’s your house, you can tell him to leave and then cut off contact.

I don’t think it would be wrong to offer a temporary home to your ex-partner, but you’d need to be sure you could cope with whatever comes next in his illness. If he deteriorates you would find it hard to tell him to leave, even if you weren't getting on well.

Wait, wait, wait.... @JustaGirlTrying It might help if you tackle one thing at a time.

Number 1 - tell your current chap to get the fuck out of your house right now.

Number 2 - concentrate on your friend with cancer.

No, certainly not. I just want to offer him a nice change when he gets out of hospital and you all need to read the post properly instead of just clutching at the bits you are righteous to.

Two problems & both overwhelmingly stressful.

your current partner needs to be dealt with, not sure how your parents are / will be involved, is it their house & you are both renting?
If yes, & they are your landlords. Ask them to serve him notice now, today.
if no, you tell him he needs to leave, ask a friend (not your ex) to come & stay while he packs to leave, for moral support & courage. Or you simply won’t do it & he’ll still be with you in a month. Make sure he takes his dog.

It’s a horrible shock hearing what’s happening to your friend & lovely of you to offer space in your home once treatment is finished, but I wouldn’t necessarily make it conditional on him having to follow your holistic juice life. I think anyone who gets through a triple cancer is a legitimate hero & deserves a bit of grace, and if that means the occasional pasty from Greggs then I’d be able to look the other way. But I would have a clear time limit on this stay, 6 months or whatever you can reasonably afford to have a non bill paying guest in your home for. Don’t get into a second situation of someone in your home that you can’t ‘break up’ with

It's a suggestion I was going to OFFER him, not FORCE him.

But your health is poor
You reliant on your parents to deal with your relationship issues
You are in a seriously abusive relationship

can you not see that you have bigger fish to fry than providing broccoli to an ex?

Will he be staying in hospital for the duration of chemo?

Well I think you're being very kind and it's lovely idea OP. He's having cancer treatment, some time in the countryside and some r&r could be lovely for him.

I do think you need to dump the boyfriend, though.

Like I have it was something I was going to OFFER him, not FORCE him.

I came here for advice thinking people would understand and get accused of being selfish and all sorts.

Not be insulted and misrepresented bully your own misunderstanding and judgements.

This has been a horrible experience posting here on top of today.

Absolutely horrible it's actually upset me with your assumptions.

Me me me? I don't think so.

You are no position to help anyone until you get rid of your abusive partner.

That should be your number 1 priority.

Also, you cannot even consider moving ex bf in until you are well rid of abusive bf, regardless of the reason.

Also, ex BF may not want to be anywhere near you - he has enough to be dealing with right now.

You are focusing on the fact you ex BF may need help purely to deflect frol the fact that you, yourself, really need significant help in ending your abusive relationship.

Your ex BF has a team of medical professionals to help him. He doesn't need your help and even if he does want it, it will be of little benefit to him until you sort yourself out.

Can’t remember an op in recent times more ignoring what pretty much everyone is saying

sort your own shit out first, of which where appears to be a lot

He's not my project, you're up your own arse.

No I know he’s not your project

he’s an ex

and that is all

you however do have a project. Yourself. You are in poor health, reliant on your parents and in an abusive relationship

Thank you.