I'm a bit stuck now with some bad news...

[JustaGirlTrying]

Hi all.

Maybes a bit of a long post, so I do apologise.

I have just been given bad news by my ex boyfriend that he has cancer. He's only late 40s and we spent over a decade together and we're friends first. It was a bit of a turbulent relationship at times, but we had some good times, made memories and just couldn't deal with the world well, but we don't hold that against each other.

We properly spilt a few years ago, but remained friends and he helped me out a lot when I hurt my back and the most supportive person when my grandad died.

I am now in a new relationship, but it's a relationship I wish I had never gotten into and it's seems very hard to get out of. Hes a much older man, controlling, condescending and just basically won't get out of my life and I've asked him many times to. We do have nice days, but he is very teenage like, very argumentative and always has to be right. Sexually coercive and just a bit of a head do. I don't want to get the police involved and my parents are very close to removing him from house..... Anyways..... That will all be sorted out soon...

My ex and I are amicable, I do care for him and he's a nice lad, helps anyone with anything type of person. Now that I have been told this cancer news I am immediately wanting to help him. I see him for the first time in 9 months tomorrow at the hospital. He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.

He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo. He has a loving mother, he has a daughter I don't know of they are estranged still, and he has a sister he half gets on with. He's well known as a good lad around the area and has nice mates.

In my mind, (maybes it's panic), but I am thinking of asking him when he gets better from chemo if he wants to come and stay with me for a bit (nothing sexual) as I have moved out into the countryside. In my mind I am hoping to help him get his immune system back naturally and show him that it's ok to take time out to heal. He's a massive stickler for working and is constantly employed working hard. I live alone (technically) with our cat we got together 11 years ago.

He never looked after his health and I just feel he deserves a second chance hopefully in life to redeem himself and see a new outlook on life and cherish it. I am no way looking to have a couple relationship with him again, but he is a great friend.

When I found out this morning, I told my current partner (1 year) and he started trying to lecture me about cancer as he thinks I'm thick, and were both holistic so I dont know what he was trying to tell me. I told him I wasn't interested in what he had to say as I know what he was pushing and I shouted at him and he got pissy at me and we haven't spoken since. He's left to take his dog out, not even texted me to see if I'm ok. No emotional support at all.

I'm in bad health myself with my bad back and been in bed depressed all day in tears, having to contact old mutual friends and stuff. I've been helping out with trying to get my ex with pip and stuff like that, get the ball rolling until I see him face to face.

I'm literally sick of my current fella draining me like he does and he has his own place but chooses to live here with all his stuff clogging my house up just being lazy and making excuses.

I feel like my ex deserves my help so much more than this narcissist and maybe he will just leave anyways when he's not getting the attention.

I don't know what I'm writing here, I'm just getting stuff out, but do you think it's unreasonable or weird to ask my ex if he wants to stay on a bed downstairs to try and heal? He's been living with his mam for a year or so and she's getting on mid 70s now and wasn't well herself last year.

Obvs I will wait until I get this current one out of my house first!

Thanks for reading if you did, please go easy on me, I'm not after any negativity.

@MsTamborineMan said this more nicely than I would have done. I speak from personal experience. It really does depend on what stage the cancer is at, what the prognosis is and what your ex actually wants....not just whether he wants to stay with you but what he wants in terms of his life, diet and activities during treatment and after, if there will be an after. I also think its like plane emergencies......sort your own situation out before you attempt to help others.

He will be under a dietician who will likely give him advice and prescribe supplements etc - leave it to a professional offer friendship

Thank you. I just don't want him to die like the others. 3 people is a lot as my family is very very small.

I just wanted to try and paint a happy image in this world coz everything is horrible right now and he's a wonderful persn with a soft heart.

current BF - change the locks when he’s out and dont let him back. It’s your house.

Ex. Just visit him tomorrow and allow him to talk. Allow him to say what he wants and then say he’s welcome to stay with you for some respite, R and R etc anytime he wants. That’s it. No talk of holistic and juices etc. although that’s perfectly acceptable and wouldn’t harm anyone he needs to feel like those who care for him will support his decisions right now rather than everyone offering their 2 pennith worth if what’s best for him.

Can I just remind everyone who's jumping on the OP with nasty sneering comments that this is Relationships, not AIBU. And presumably the OP is feeling fragile after hearing about her ex's cancer diagnosis.

It sounds like you have become emotionally and physically depleted, with your own health concerns, and you're allowing the controlling behaviour of your current relationship and your ex's cancer diagnosis to chip away at your resilience.

You would be well advised to protect yourself, focus on getting yourself strong, building up your resilience and leave aside rescuing others. That is not a criticism, it is a fact. You cannot drink from an empty cup.

Your personal wellbeing will enable you to help others. in the future, not now. You have no obligation to anyone but you.

Unfortunately you don't even have the strength to get the coercive controlling git out of your house which should be your priority, because you don't have the resilience to cope with it.

just holding a kind mirror up to you to help you extricate yourself.

Weekend breaks is a good balanced idea and more realistic for the future. Thank you

Read the OP's updates, she lives alone.

Keep dreaming.

So to be clear

you are absolutely sure that he’s going to say “yes please absolutely”?

You clearly care more about others than you do about yourself.

I for want to look after someone you need to look after yourself first.

Get rid of the boyfriend for no other reason than he’s bad for your health.

When you are stronger, a short visit would probably be welcomed.

All you can do is ask.

I’d be curious what your parents reaction would be to this idea

I'm depressed because a third person in my life has a cancer diagnosis.

I said I've been in bed all day crying.

After he told me.

Agree with others. Try not to conflate the two issues. You have an abusive partner who needs to get in the bin.

Once that is done, by all means offer help to your friend. But remember that “holistic” remedies which are supported by peer-reviewed evidence already have a name: medicine. Carrots etc don’t cure cancer and having watched a dying friend trying to eat “alkaline” via wheatgrass and other unpalatable crap to extend her life, I’d be handing him wine/cake/whatever he fancied.

Thank you, it was never about anything other than this.

Thank you for seeing me.

Well she hasn’t chucked him out and is not focusing on doing so. So until he is chucked out it’s a stupid idea.

Get rid of the partner.

Be there for your friend in whatever way he wants you to. Don’t foist juices on him if all he fancies is McDonald’s.

There is no reliable clinical evidence that juicing or detoxing or the like improves cancer treatment outcomes or recovery. Juicing in particular is not great, it removes beneficial fibre and concentrates sugar.

My brother in law had chemo and felt so wretched during treatment (and for some time afterwards), that he existed on rubbish like biscuits and crisps. It was as all he could face at the time.

I can appreciate that comment and yes it could be true. Thank you for you vision, I see what you said.

Snobby judgemental people like you are just a total drain on empathy.

Please don't reply to me anymore.

Spending a bit of convalescence time at the beach or one of the spa towns was huge a hundred years ago. It's really not that out there to say you've heard it can be helpful and want to offer as a friend.

Do separate the two issues though. Current nightmare before anything beyond a cursory comment to the ex.

Cancer diagnosis means nothing, prognosis is key - what stage they caught it at, what surgical treatment has been done and the likely long term outcome. It's those things you need to focus on, the course of his illness is not correlated at all to your previous experience.

I think its a lovely thing to offer him a space for R&R, good food (taking account of any recommendations), relaxation, exercise, happiness and fresh air will all be really beneficial on top of his hospital treatments.

But it won't work if it stresses you out, which he picks up on and is stressed by.

If this is your response to bad news you will be of no use to him and yes, I've physically cared for someone with cancer. At this stage you have no idea how he will be/what he will need when he finishes chemo and it might not be compatible with uprooting to your property.

Joining others in suggesting that you need to extricate yourself from your current bad relationship and have some space before taking on anyone elses needs.

You sound like you have a lot going on - your post is an outpouring. Be careful that you aren’t moving your focus to your ex , to try and distract you from your happiness.

You need your current partner out of your live , your unhappiness shines through in this post . You can’t have your ex there whilst in a relationship with this man because I feel this will cause you a whole world of problems and in turn , your ex will be caught up in this.

You are not unreasonable to want to offer support and help him. It’s kind and it certainly won’t do him any harm to have a healthier lifestyle - however , you must prepare for his prognosis and ( god forbid ) it’s not positive … would this be how he wants to spend his days ? Offer , by all means , but if he chooses to not live the lifestyle you intend for him then please respect his choice and allow him to stay in control . A lot of people believe in a more holistic approach , but a lot believe in a medicinal approach - this is his choice , what you do not want to do is fill him with hope that could be false or make feel pressured or as though you are judging him. Just be there for him .

I think you also do need to prepare for how this could affect you . Again, I am going in as if it’s a bleak prognosis and I hope not but if it is , you are also putting yourself in a position to get close to him and then , possibly , lose him so please also look after yourself.

Its really nice you want to support him. But be realistic you need to sort your own problems out first.
You cant even get a abusive man to leave . And you are in bad health?? In what way? If its just the back problems then why are you writing it like you have a serious illness?
Al sounds very dramatic. I dont think your ex needs drama right now.

Thank you this has been a horrible experience and I wish I never posted.

There are some horrible people in this "community".