I'm a bit stuck now with some bad news...

[JustaGirlTrying]

Hi all.

Maybes a bit of a long post, so I do apologise.

I have just been given bad news by my ex boyfriend that he has cancer. He's only late 40s and we spent over a decade together and we're friends first. It was a bit of a turbulent relationship at times, but we had some good times, made memories and just couldn't deal with the world well, but we don't hold that against each other.

We properly spilt a few years ago, but remained friends and he helped me out a lot when I hurt my back and the most supportive person when my grandad died.

I am now in a new relationship, but it's a relationship I wish I had never gotten into and it's seems very hard to get out of. Hes a much older man, controlling, condescending and just basically won't get out of my life and I've asked him many times to. We do have nice days, but he is very teenage like, very argumentative and always has to be right. Sexually coercive and just a bit of a head do. I don't want to get the police involved and my parents are very close to removing him from house..... Anyways..... That will all be sorted out soon...

My ex and I are amicable, I do care for him and he's a nice lad, helps anyone with anything type of person. Now that I have been told this cancer news I am immediately wanting to help him. I see him for the first time in 9 months tomorrow at the hospital. He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.

He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo. He has a loving mother, he has a daughter I don't know of they are estranged still, and he has a sister he half gets on with. He's well known as a good lad around the area and has nice mates.

In my mind, (maybes it's panic), but I am thinking of asking him when he gets better from chemo if he wants to come and stay with me for a bit (nothing sexual) as I have moved out into the countryside. In my mind I am hoping to help him get his immune system back naturally and show him that it's ok to take time out to heal. He's a massive stickler for working and is constantly employed working hard. I live alone (technically) with our cat we got together 11 years ago.

He never looked after his health and I just feel he deserves a second chance hopefully in life to redeem himself and see a new outlook on life and cherish it. I am no way looking to have a couple relationship with him again, but he is a great friend.

When I found out this morning, I told my current partner (1 year) and he started trying to lecture me about cancer as he thinks I'm thick, and were both holistic so I dont know what he was trying to tell me. I told him I wasn't interested in what he had to say as I know what he was pushing and I shouted at him and he got pissy at me and we haven't spoken since. He's left to take his dog out, not even texted me to see if I'm ok. No emotional support at all.

I'm in bad health myself with my bad back and been in bed depressed all day in tears, having to contact old mutual friends and stuff. I've been helping out with trying to get my ex with pip and stuff like that, get the ball rolling until I see him face to face.

I'm literally sick of my current fella draining me like he does and he has his own place but chooses to live here with all his stuff clogging my house up just being lazy and making excuses.

I feel like my ex deserves my help so much more than this narcissist and maybe he will just leave anyways when he's not getting the attention.

I don't know what I'm writing here, I'm just getting stuff out, but do you think it's unreasonable or weird to ask my ex if he wants to stay on a bed downstairs to try and heal? He's been living with his mam for a year or so and she's getting on mid 70s now and wasn't well herself last year.

Obvs I will wait until I get this current one out of my house first!

Thanks for reading if you did, please go easy on me, I'm not after any negativity.

I completely agree. Chemo saved my life!

What’s so hard about packing up someone else’s shit and changing the locks. You own your house, you throw him out.

leave your ex alone.

Please never say anything about offering the chance to ‘redeem himself’ (your words) to a man who has cancer. It’s not his fault. And don’t lecture him with all this fresh air and juices bollocks either, that isn’t going to help right now.

I don't know until I see him tomorrow. We were in tears earlier when he told me and all I could concentrate on was trying to make him laugh. It was just a suggestion for him in the future, months, whenever.

I was going to ask him tomorrow, but he won't even be thinking about that now. I just wanted to give him something to maybe look forward too, to keep positive.

I like a pizza once in a while like so I'm not some regiment nut.

I am going to guess that you don’t work and reliant on disability benefits op

your parents are having to get involved with your relationship

you are in a seriously abusive relationship

on paper at least OP, I don’t think taking on a caring role is within your capacity atm

Helping your friend is a distraction activity so you don’t have to sort
your own life out.

you are looking outside yourself because you can’t face sorting your own life out.

get rid of the wanker and sort the rest of your own life out before you start doing anything for anyone else.

sounds like you are trying to use this as an escape from your current partner.
please get rid of current partner
as regards the ex - seems a fair suggestion but he may not take you up on it and it may not be sensible

Can’t say trying to make someone laugh when I’ve heard they have cancer has been my response in the past but each to their own

I don't need a cancer diagnosis to get back with anyone.

That's a DISGUSTING thing to say.

Ive spent plenty of time alone, working myself out and you have not one bit of information about me or my life to even say something like that.

But it’s clear to us you are making all about you.

you aren’t addressing any of the posts that say get out of your abusive relationship.

save yourself before to try save anyone else. I know you believe you have good intentions but it’s not how it is in reality given your circumstances.

But you've got a very rigid and not very realistic idea of what cancer support looks like.

It just might be a MacDonalds. It might get the calories in that your holistic food can't. It might be easier on mouth sores. It might provide flavour and improve appetite. Your healthy food might tear up his digestive tract. The key is no judgement of what they can get down and you don't get that.

You say you're not well yourself. How are you going to be a caregiver? I went on a program of heavy strength training when I knew I was going to be a caregiver because lifting adults and helping them around is hard work.

How are you going to transport him? Is there medical transport on your rural area?

If he’s got cancer and it’s terminal, he might as well have the shit food and the fags and the booze coz it’s too fucking late anyway.

I spoke to a ‘holistic’ person at the weekend who insisted that my dad’s cancer isn’t incurable.

He is riddled with it and in and out of hospital / hospice. He has had every treatment under the sun and she insisted on telling me all about a chap from Queensland who had cured himself with organic food and the right supplements.

It’s undermining and invalidating at best and dangerous at worst.

Please just refer to it as self care or healthy habits rather than a holistic approach which implies healthcare.

Ask your parents what they think of this idea OP….

How is he going to get his immune system back naturally if he gets chemo and gets an infection?

please don’t pedal this nonsense it’s so wrong.

I was the first person he told before his own daughter. So him not wanting me to be anywhere near me saying he wants to see me asap is just another stupid assumption.

The ex presumably knows the Op very well

so on the basis of this thread, I’d hazard a guess it’s highly likely he will politely decline

Frankly I think you have enough on your plate with the awful relationship you are in and your own health. I appreciate it's a shock finding out about your ex and it's natural to want to offer your support. But your ex is an adult and can make his own decisions about his treatment and recovery - I think it's a bit controlling to want to 'mastermind' his recovery after chemo. I'm sure he will be advised on eating healthily, resting and recovering by the medical staff responsible for him.

If I were you, I would concentrate on sorting your own life out - don't let this news about your ex distract you from what needs to be done. You seem strangely passive when it comes to your current partner - you need to take back control, get him out and stick to it.

He has a loving mother, he has a daughter I don't know of they are estranged still, and he has a sister he half gets on with. He's well known as a good lad around the area and has nice mates.

These statements seem to be rather at odds, OP, and I worry that you are using a man who might not be quite as nice as you are perceiving him, as a get out from a worse one.

Get rid of your current waste of space, by all means. But don't see your ex as a perfect specimen of manhood - it looks like he is, but only in comparison with your current one. He's an ex for a reason. If you want to help him, do it purely as a slightly distant friend.

Because this man has a crazy past I didn't know about before I met him.
My ex and I are very good friends and he contacted me and wants me to go and see him so why should I leave him alone.

Hardly unpleasant. Have you seen the horrible misunderstandings and accusations you lot are throwing at me.

Bound to defend myself.

go to the police and tell them you’re being stalked and harassed.

message the bloke with the crazy past and tell him you’re done. Over. Finished. Put his stuff outside in bags. And any further contact you’ll report him to the police.

No, I'm a part time chef thank you very much. Just a bit of a bad back from working full time kitchen for 25 years ✌

Yet another assumption.

You sound proud of the fact that he told you before his daughter. It is all about you and what you think is right. Why are your parents having to sort out your present relationship?

You need to sort out your own life instead of clinging on to a man that it’s obviously very poorly. Organic food won’t fix anything