I'm a bit stuck now with some bad news...

[JustaGirlTrying]

Hi all.

Maybes a bit of a long post, so I do apologise.

I have just been given bad news by my ex boyfriend that he has cancer. He's only late 40s and we spent over a decade together and we're friends first. It was a bit of a turbulent relationship at times, but we had some good times, made memories and just couldn't deal with the world well, but we don't hold that against each other.

We properly spilt a few years ago, but remained friends and he helped me out a lot when I hurt my back and the most supportive person when my grandad died.

I am now in a new relationship, but it's a relationship I wish I had never gotten into and it's seems very hard to get out of. Hes a much older man, controlling, condescending and just basically won't get out of my life and I've asked him many times to. We do have nice days, but he is very teenage like, very argumentative and always has to be right. Sexually coercive and just a bit of a head do. I don't want to get the police involved and my parents are very close to removing him from house..... Anyways..... That will all be sorted out soon...

My ex and I are amicable, I do care for him and he's a nice lad, helps anyone with anything type of person. Now that I have been told this cancer news I am immediately wanting to help him. I see him for the first time in 9 months tomorrow at the hospital. He is going for chemo and whatever the hospital say, which is his choice.

He knows I am more holistic and says he will accept natural help after the chemo. He has a loving mother, he has a daughter I don't know of they are estranged still, and he has a sister he half gets on with. He's well known as a good lad around the area and has nice mates.

In my mind, (maybes it's panic), but I am thinking of asking him when he gets better from chemo if he wants to come and stay with me for a bit (nothing sexual) as I have moved out into the countryside. In my mind I am hoping to help him get his immune system back naturally and show him that it's ok to take time out to heal. He's a massive stickler for working and is constantly employed working hard. I live alone (technically) with our cat we got together 11 years ago.

He never looked after his health and I just feel he deserves a second chance hopefully in life to redeem himself and see a new outlook on life and cherish it. I am no way looking to have a couple relationship with him again, but he is a great friend.

When I found out this morning, I told my current partner (1 year) and he started trying to lecture me about cancer as he thinks I'm thick, and were both holistic so I dont know what he was trying to tell me. I told him I wasn't interested in what he had to say as I know what he was pushing and I shouted at him and he got pissy at me and we haven't spoken since. He's left to take his dog out, not even texted me to see if I'm ok. No emotional support at all.

I'm in bad health myself with my bad back and been in bed depressed all day in tears, having to contact old mutual friends and stuff. I've been helping out with trying to get my ex with pip and stuff like that, get the ball rolling until I see him face to face.

I'm literally sick of my current fella draining me like he does and he has his own place but chooses to live here with all his stuff clogging my house up just being lazy and making excuses.

I feel like my ex deserves my help so much more than this narcissist and maybe he will just leave anyways when he's not getting the attention.

I don't know what I'm writing here, I'm just getting stuff out, but do you think it's unreasonable or weird to ask my ex if he wants to stay on a bed downstairs to try and heal? He's been living with his mam for a year or so and she's getting on mid 70s now and wasn't well herself last year.

Obvs I will wait until I get this current one out of my house first!

Thanks for reading if you did, please go easy on me, I'm not after any negativity.

Hi OP, I feel really bad for you. You're in a tough situation in your life, in pain, and now have had some scary news about another person you care about.

I think your best course of action by far is to work on improving things in your life so that you have the capacity for the things that matter such as improving your physical and I'm guessing mental health as well as being there for your ex in whatever ways you both choose. This means prioritising getting rid of your current boyfriend first and foremost. Once you've done that you'll be in a much stronger position

I can understand why you've had the response you've had on this thread to your mentions of "holistic medicine" even though you didn't say you were going to try to stop your ex from having chemo. Have you watched the Netflix series Apple Cider Vinegar? If not I highly recommend it. Good nutrition is obviously a positive thing but holistic medicine nowadays is a slippery slope and also has a connotation of being anti-science and very dangerous. I really hope you wouldn't even think for a second that organic food and the like matters anywhere near as much as treatments oncologists recommend for cancer. Seriously, watch that Netflix series. I can't recommend it more highly.

I hope you, your ex and your parents will be ok. You seem to be quite a vulnerable person with a lot on your plate and I wish you the best with it. Be strong and work out how to get rid of the current boyfriend and I suspect the rest will start to fall into place.

I have cancer. My ex has been here for me over the last year. Looks after me in my home after treatment, is there on the other end of the phone when I need a laugh or a cry or just silent company on a walk. Recommend you get shot of the horrible BF, have a deeply honest conversation with yourself about whether you really have been too unwell to get rid of him to the extent that you’re presumably aging parents have got to step in on your behalf, do some work on yourself, and then tell your ex that you would love to offer him support in whatever way he would like. From a cancer patient’s perspective - not start on at him about eating fucking organic food unless you’ve seen a peer reviewed study confirming it will actually help him.

Why don’t you lot just leave poor OP alone? She came here for advice not to be harangued and misinterpreted.

its quite obvious that after something gruelling like chemo, that you might take every avenue to support yourself immune system and health.

op: You have two separate problems really. Get rid of your fella now. And I hope your ex has a good recovery.

I fully understand this and I do feel like this, I guess maybes I was looking for some strength from strangers.

You are right and I really appreciate that. I'm just hurt and scared for him. I have to be strong for everything I know. Thank you.

Your holistic stuff in your op terrified me

But yanbu to want to support him as a friend

It sounds like your current man will be removed so you have time to support him and take care of yourself x

I think it sounds lovely. I'd offer a bed and a lifestyle change to a good friend if they wanted or needed it, and that's what he is to you.

Ignore the people who plainly can't read suggesting you intend to aromatherapy his cancer away. There's no harm in good nutrition and fresh air and it might do him some good as he's recovering.

Agree with everyone who has said that you need to get rid of the current partner as your top priority.

I think you need to focus on your own life and end what sounds like a dreadful relationship with your current boyfriend. You know you have a choice? just end it firmly and finally then cease all communication. I don't think you are in the right space to support someone else.

What I posted is what after chemo can look like. Or no chemo at all.

You want to offer him something. You're not in a position to offer anything until your life is peaceful and abuse free and you might not even be able to help then. But what he will need is a caregiver. He might need someone who can go get him MacDonalds or Taco Bell and be glad that they enjoy their food. He might need help to toilet. How are you going to lift him and get him on and off with a bad back? He might need to be close to doctor's offices and pharmacies and where other services needed are available. What's going to happen if you're depressed and he's there?

Thank you this has been a horrible experience and I wish I never posted.
There are some horrible people in this "community".

There are realists who have lived his road and have been caregivers and we're talking about the reality.

Your own home is not a safe place. That's where you start.

My ex was part of the family. The first thing my mam asked was when could she visit him in hospital.

Granted they won't think it's good to have him stay fully, that was never the intention to look after him sick. As someone suggested offering weekends would be a pleasant idea if he wanted.

It sounds a bit smothering, though I'm sure you mean well. Is it that you don't want to live alone in your house, if you will be alone when you ditch the horrible boyfriend?
Would your ex be ok in the country or would he feel isolated, eg from his mum, his doctor, his mates? Are your lifestyles compatible, what if he wants burgers and chips and fizzy pop, would you expect to control his diet?
It may not suit him to be uprooted, don't pressure him. You can care about him and help him without moving him in.

Hi op kick the other guys arse out and tell him you will phone the police if he doesn't leave. Invite your friend to stay and cook him nice fresh meals and just look after him, be a good friend to him like he has been to you. I hope he is cancer free soon.

I would advise you to rid yourself of your own "cancer" first. Then heal and spend time building back up your own strength and rebalance.

You are depleted by your own disaster and to jump straight into a crisis will deplete you further then you have nothing left to give. You will do far more for your ex if you refill your cup.

I worry also that you appear to be motivated by your previous trauma and losses; you can't "save" your ex and I fear you are trying to fix the trauma by attempting to affect the outcome for your ex and that decision lies outside your influence. I think you need to address your grief from the past so you don't inadvertently compound your trauma.

Look after yourself. The rest will follow surely as you just continue to be you and follow the path that is true to you. But fix yourself first.

It's stems from a serious injury and is an ongoing problem but I am not paralysed or anything like that.

It's been severe sciatica cases in sucession heavily impacting my life at times, so to me that is pretty serious.

Dont just assume drama because it does not match what you think is serious. I was bed bound for months last year.

Sorry, maybe I read your post a bit too quickly but it read to me as a general comment. Of course I can see how that would make you depressed and I'm sorry you have so much to deal with at the moment.
Best wishes to you and your friend.

Google co-dependency. Both your current inability to fix the relationship you’re in and your desire to swoop in and “rescue” your ex are very much codependent traits.
i say that as someone who struggles with that a lot myself!! Deep down whilst you say it’s about helping him if you’re really truthful there is an element of feeling good about yourself, enjoying the drama and distracting from your own shitshow.

Get some therapy and get your own house in order.

I loved alone for 4 years before I moved here. My ex loves the countryside we used to always come out for drives and days out when we're were together, just I was able to move out of the city this year.

No but I get the feeling you are going to try after chemo.

The best gift you can give your ex is to mind yourself. You aren't currently in a position to be his knight in shining armour when you aren't being your own.

To mind yourself, the first job could be to say a final goodbye to the current guy. He isn't going to like it, but bullies are cowards, and if you stand firm for about 15 minutes, you might be surprised at how quickly he leaves. Have a script prepared and stick to it. Have your parents in the house for support; they will be delighted and relieved that you are getting on with your life. Have his things packed and on the porch/in the hallway, wherever it is easy to collect. Wishing you every happiness; you richly deserve it.

This is spot on.

I am so traumatised by it tbh. It's not healthy not accepting reality I know this. It'sad because I could accept reality for my grandad, but maybes because I was hands on with his care and could actually make a change and I was his secretary as he called me, just for a laugh.

I'm helpless to this and I feel guilty working on myself as if I'm forgetting about him, but I know that's not the case.

Thank you.

You can't pour from an empty cup
First priority is to get rid of the abusive man hanging around your house and draining your energy and resources

Only after you have gotten yourself into a better position will you be able to offer more support, if wanted to your ex

As someone who has had a bad back injury that resulted in drop foot and now a severe limp and walking stick . I know back problems are bad. But what I dont do is imply I have a severe illness .
You have been very dramatic. And the point is he won't need/want your drama.
You dont seem to be in position to help him daily at all.
As many have pointed out you sound like instead of dealing with problems you have you want to try to fix his . Which obviously is not that simple.

But you are the one stuck in an abusive relationship with a man who won't move out of YOUR house. You need to sort that out before you will be in a position to offer support to anyone else.

I understand what you are saying - I research co dependency while we were together at times (me and ex), but while I still do care about him I am not using him to feel good about myself. I can separate the two relationships and not masking.

I do suffer from co dependency and yes it is a bugger as you know, just really want to jump into action and help so HE feels better, but obviously cancer is complicated. I just panicked thinking I could save the world.

OP have you the funds to access yourself some therapy?

You sound so caring and I worry you put yourself bottom of the pile and this has drained your resilience.

I am not underestimating what you’re going through - in the past 8’years my ds was diagnosed with a degenerative condition and both parents with cancer, my mum died and my dad is bad again.

But you have to allow yourself to continue having your own life and happiness and it sounds like you’ve drained this (abusive relationship won’t be helping) and your emotional resilience has disappeared.

lovely people like you deserve to be cared for and not just the carer and I wonder if some therapy would help you find a way to achieve this?

I have just (today) had a likely cancer diagnosis.

I don’t even know what the treatments are going to be (or if I can get treatment - I’ve to go and get some surgery and they’ll biopsy and we will know more then).

I’ve also nursed someone with terminal cancer.

you need to be whole and healthy to take it on. Quite apart from the emotional toll, physically it’s hard work.