How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

I so adored her. It was a bit like the movie Brief Encounter. That bit of heart ache and what could have been.

Goodness, I wonder why your wife went mad/apeshit.

It’s perfectly fine if it’s Janet from Facilities Management, but for some reason I get a feeling it’s not…

The garden will blossom wherever you water it most. Are you watering the garden you share with your wife, or your colleague’s garden? Whichever relationship you’re nurturing more speaks volumes, and your wife is noticing. You’re probably middle-aged and enjoying the attention/ego stroke you’re getting from your (non-Janet) colleague. Time to rein it in before you cause irreversible damage to your marriage.

Of course it's possible to have a friend of the opposite sex, many of us do. But when you start to put a friend before your partner or talk about how "dear" they are to you then you need to dial the friendship back. You dont leave your job unless this "friendship" has already developed into an affair but you massively reduce contact out of work. You also put more effort into your relationship with your partner.

When your wife indicated she was unhappy what did you say? If you said "she's dear to me" then it's no wonder she's upset!

Would you ever say one of your male friends was "dear" to you, because I dont believe you would.

Right. And still the creepy old perve is crapping on about this, as though it wasn't some grubby attempted affair and was some great unrequired love story. His poor, poor wife.

I have plenty of male friends, but I don't priortise them over my husband, and I don't speak on the phone to them all evening after spending the day with them. Surely you realise when a friendship moves from appropriate to inappropriate. Either your marriage is more important to you or this friendship is. If it's the latter, well that says it all. Your poor wife.

How does your wife even know that you have a friendship with someone at work unless you are either

talking to your wife about it (rubbing her face in it)

or

spending time with this person outside of work (having an emotional affair)

Don't feel sorry for her. She's mad and apeshit!

Tempted to say cool story bro. Go on, I will bite.

I'm going to take a wild guess that this woman is younger than you and attractive.

i might get bonus marks for guessing She's either single or in a relationship but "Having a tough time of it". What luck she's got you to rely on.

I've got lots of male friends but not ones I work with all day and email / call out of work. Also I keep my male friends at a remove. There's a certain dynamic you've got to avoid. Sounds like you crossed that line a while ago and you are now into full on girlfriend you haven't slept with yet territory.

My belief is that he was hoping to manipulate his wife some more by showing her this thread. His plan was to have lots of women tell him "Oh she's so silly and jealous! Poor old Bob of course you should be able to have your cake and eat it!"

But it didn't quite work for him the way he intended, so he's bailed.

No woman with any morals would regularly make contact with a married colleague outside of work. Women understand that the majority of men would take that as a come on. If she’s contacting you, she’s interested.

Your poor wife can see what’s happening and is understandably alarmed. She’s voiced her concerns. Men don’t appreciate that and take it as an accusation. They then get angry with their wives and start looking more warmly towards the other woman. The next thing you know you’re having sex with her. “I never set out to do it, it just happened”.

Except it doesn’t ’just happen’. There’s always a build up, and your wife can see it playing out in front of her.

You really need to stop this right now. Is this ‘friendship’ worth ending your marriage for?

WTF

But I really find it difficult that the majority don’t think two mates should never be in contact outside of work if they get on well and have a laugh because they aren’t the same gender.

The majority don't necessarily think that. What they do know though, is that it is really upsetting your wife, and yet you are still doing it. That's actually the issue here.

Was this supposed to make us feel sorry for you?

Pass the sick bag, Alice.

Well, yes - except he is already looking VERY warmly at the other woman, and is happy to upset his wife so he can keep seeing her. He's just looking for a good way to gaslight her into shutting up - hence the thread.

I suppose he might pretend to be offended/shocked and pretend that this made him behave even more badly. People do sometimes try to hit those they are tormenting with a double whammy of that sort - it's your fault I cheated on you, sort of thing.

I'm betting she's younger, vunerable in some way, needs your manly guidance in some way?

There's another thread on here about a husband who has essentially thrown away his marriage for a younger woman friend and a hobby he can't live without. Have a read of that and think before you put your own wife through what that woman is going through.

Your wife sounds like a controlling harpy. I would leave any husband who thought he should get a say in my friendships.

Unrequited, oops :)

There's no need for you to be phoning her outside of work.
I think you are being provocative. You know your wife doesn't like it and as jealousy has never been an issue before there must be a reason why this is causing jealousy issues. Yet you keep chatting to her on the phone and meeting up with her socially.
I've had plenty of male friends at work and haven't been chatting to them on the phone after work.

Does the woman have a partner or DH of her own?

I love it when someone is just obviously trolling for larfs 😅

Wait, is that you Bob?!😂

Ah. The other woman has joined the thread.

Harpy. Christ. I can hear the misogyny internalising from here.

Why? I’m intrigued.

Why do you need to be phoning another woman outside of work, your poor wife.
Stay friendly at work and draw a line that you don't cross outside of work.

Put the shoe on the other foot, how do you think you would feel if your wife's new friend was some hot guy and they were having deep and meaningful chats and texting and calling each other outside of work. And when you challenge her about it she says but he is a big part of my life and he's very dear to me, I care more about this friendship than your misguided feelings, Sorry