How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

This is how affairs start. Down the line both of you will claim that there was nothing at all in it but your wife’s irrational response to this innocent friendship broke your marriage. Once you were free, you just fell into the arms of this dear friend who was such a great comfort to you. You realised you were unexpectedly attracted to each other. Who knew?

Shame on you for lying to your wife, even if you can’t help lying to yourself.

I just love it when women are so misogynistic about other women

Don't end your friendship OP. Many women on here hate men.

if this was a woman posting that her fella didn't like her platonic male friend and even more so that she's never cheated, she would be told that she's controlling and to leave the bloke.

you're doing nothing wrong. Your partner needs to work through these feelings in therapy as it's too much. You shouldn't have to end friendships because she can't cope with them.

You work together every day and yet you talk to her on the phone often enough to concern your wife? May I ask how long you would be talking to each other, on the phone (one2one, paying close attention to what she says) over the course of a week? And for how long you would be giving your wife the same one2one attention?

Wish I could hear your wife's take on this.

I doubt you'd say this if the woman in the situation had a new friend.

mind blown at the double standards on this place

I think what is important here is your wife's feelings. Even if your friendship is platonic and nothing to worry about, your wife is obviously feeling insecure and OP you should work with her to get to a place where she is comfortable and happy. If that means that you must reduce contact with your friend then you will have to do that to prioritise your marriage. Of course there is also an element of reasonableness that needs to be applied. Your wife shouldn't stop you from having any friends etc, which would be very controlling. But if it's just this one friend that bothers her, I don't see why you should maintain the friendship.

Your new 'friend' is not a friend. She is a colleague. You've overstepped the line already with how you're viewing the relationship.

So men and women can't be friends because it's automatically an emotional affair? Jeeez. How restrictive.
Nothing in this post suggests OP is having any type of affair.

You know it upsets your wife yet you still message this woman outside of work. If you had respect for your wife and your marriage you would respect her feelings.

So you don't even last a week without contacting this woman outside of work.
How important is your wife to you, she should be a hundred times more important than this friend.
Stop trying to justify it and make it ok, it isn't.
You might not have feelings for your friend yet, but I bet she has them for you, she's just waiting for you to come with a sob story about how your wife doesn't understand you.
You are putting your marriage in danger, so decide what is more important.
It's not ok for married men to be messaging and ringing females, and it's not ok the other way round, and this is why.
Prioritise your wife before she leaves you.

Not actually true, women who cheat are given the same advice and OW are slaughtered more than cheating husbands.

Still, the number of people whose minds are blown that a woman-centred forum centres women rather than being a perfect Old Bailey if blind justice in everything. You can sniff through the raging misogyny on Reddit, X or indeed pretty much anywhere else if you need to clean your palette.

When did your wife first get jealous? Has she spoken to you about what exactly it was that has made her jealous?

Honestly, sometimes people become jealous because we pick up on something that our partner hasn't noticed/aware of (this goes the opposite way too). For example, the look on your face when you talk about your friend, or how animated you are on the phone. Sometimes it could be the effort you are putting in -so if you have gone to a new restaurant with the friend but find it hard to do this with your wife?

I would continue to reassure her but don't get annoyed or irritated when you're doing it and don't tell her she's irrational or her feelings aren't valid. All meet up together if you can. Talk about your wife with your friend.

Make sure you do spontaneous and exciting things with your wife. Tell your wife about how she makes you feel and talk about special memories you have with her and things you want to do in future with her.

You're not doing much for the idea of platonic M/F friendships with this post @TheQuirkyMaker . I've had plenty of male friends over my life, none of whom have been a secret from my DH and some also became as much a friend to him. What you are describing is something completely different.

Your wife should be your friend, chat to her

Yes, I was wondering if this was the husband from that thread, who's realised his wife is getting support and advice and trying to undermine it.

OP, I don't believe your interactions with this female colleague are exactly the same as with the men you work with.

You can choose to prioritise your 'friendship', or your marriage. It's that simple. And once your wife has that information, she will have choices.

Why do you feel the need to talk to her outside of work if you see each other everyday?
That encroachment on your married life at home is not insignificant.
What are you getting from this friendship that you aren't getting from your relationship with your wife?
I have male friends, but we talk about nothing entering into emotional territory and definitely nothing about my husband or my marriage.
If I was feeling sad, or stressed or excited about something it's my husband I would go to.
I talk about work things with my male friends, or a TV show we like etc. I don't feel the need to talk to my colleagues on the phone outside of work related purposes. A text with a funny meme or how did the interview go maybe.
More than that would be at risk of taking away something from my relationship with my husband.
You're clearly old enough to know that male/ female friendships are complex territory for heterosexual people. Pretending they are the same as same sex friendships is naieve at best.
The most important thing here is that your wife, who isn't prone to being jealous, is feeling uncomfortable with this friendship. If she is really your priority it stops. It's really that simple.

@BobbityBib you are on a one way road to divorce.

You can argue as much as you like but every poster has told you this is out of order and you are turning yourself inside out to justify your behaviour.

Shorten the whole thing and be respectful to your long standing wife and end the marriage. You are not acting like someone who cares about the marriage so just end it respectfully.

What you are doing / saying is ridiculous.

You are hurting your wife and you don't care. Because of a "friend". Let your wife go and have all the "friends" you want.

It does though. That's why I asked him how his wife even knows. He must be talking about the lady to the wife or talking to the lady outside of work.

Neither are appropriate. He probably has mentionitis about her cause he fancies her.

Which thread was it, if you don't mind guiding me?

I get that you see it as no different to any other friendship but have you changed how you treat your wife since this friendship began, even if its subconsciously? Are you talking to her less, not as attentive? Do you have a case of mentiontis? If friendships haven't been an issue in the past there is something different that your wife is picking up on.

Would you be prepared to read 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass? Yes its a book about infidelity which you are so certain is not the case here, but it's about how friendship can develop into something more and it might make you think differently about this friendship and why your wife has such an issue

So bored of this standard reply. Do people think they're having an original thought when they post it on here? It's already been fully addressed anyway.

I have many male friends that I met through work as I work in a male dominated industry. I care about some of them deeply as have known them for years but I socialise with them as a couple. My DH knows them all really well (and I also know their other halves) and socialises with many of them without me, however it would be very unlikely that I socialise with them without my DH unless it’s a quick drink after work with the wider team.

Having a deep connection with another woman where your wife is excluded from that relationship is inappropriate, even if it’s platonic.

Guessing it's this and the part 2: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

I'm always astonished that people think men don't know what they're doing in these sorts of circumstances.

He's a fully functional human being who's entirely aware that he is distressing his wife and has come on here to try to get other women to give him ideas about gaslighting his wife into accepting his grubby little tryst.

I bet Bobby boy is pretty great at figuring things out in no time at all when it suits his goals.

You bet he knows what he's doing, 100 percent. Which will be why he flounced off when he realised nobody was buying his bullshit

Well of course talking to his wife about this woman is happening.

THATS the normal, correct thing to do. Would you prefer if OP hides it and doesn't tell her? Probably not..