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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

456 replies

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 08:38

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

OP posts:
mochimoons · 15/09/2025 11:03

JFDIYOLO · 15/09/2025 11:02

Odd question incoming:

Does she have longer hair than your wife?

😂

usedtobeaylis · 15/09/2025 11:04

Fuck me I wish men spoke about their wives they way they speak about their female 'friends'

SeaAndStars · 15/09/2025 11:05

TheQuirkyMaker · 15/09/2025 11:01

I developed a friendship with a much younger F colleague (I'm M). I kept it from my wife as I knew she would go apeshit. It wasn't physical but we couldn't just not see each other. We had such lovely days at NT places for cream teas and walking our dogs. Someone dobbed us in with a camera phone and it all blew up and she went mad. It's all resolved now but I so adored her. It was a bit like the movie Brief Encounter. That bit of heart ache and what could have been.

Show quote history

Grim.

katiecustard2 · 15/09/2025 11:06

Louisetopaz21 · 15/09/2025 10:18

There is a difference between speaking to someone at work as part course of your duties and allowing it to spill into your home life. I would be saying the same to a female. The boundaries are blurred and he isn't taking into consideration the impact upon is wife, hardly controlling saying I am not okay with this. He has a choice that isn't controlling even. I am not a cool wife but if you are okay with your partner having an ea in front of you crack on.

Show quote history

He also talks to his male colleagues outside of work so he says.

So the issue is that she’s female the the op’s wife doesn’t trust him to have friendships with the opposite sex.

SeaAndStars · 15/09/2025 11:06

usedtobeaylis · 15/09/2025 11:04

Fuck me I wish men spoke about their wives they way they speak about their female 'friends'

New wall sticker.
Marry someone who speaks about you like OP speaks about his dear friend.

BoredZelda · 15/09/2025 11:07

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 09:44

Ok, point taken.
But it makes me sad to hear this. Whatever happened to men and women being friends? I have worked in places before where it was blatant that there was something going between co-workers, but this is not how we behave at all because we are JUST friends.
I posted hoping that someone has gone through this too and found a way through it all. There must be some women who have friends who are men too? And it’s okay?

Men and women never could “be friends” not in the way you are suggesting.

You have become very close to a new female colleague who you think is attractive, your wife is acting uncharacteristically jealous, but you don’t see that you are doing anything wrong. There’s a problem in your marriage but you want to continue doing the thing that would be very easy not to do.

🚩🚩🚩

cattykinns · 15/09/2025 11:08

‘my friend is very dear to me’ Eugh. There’s clearly much more to this. I can see why your wife is concerned to be honest. You need to put her first over your ‘new friend’ now. You’re damaging your marriage by carrying on a friendship your wife is uncomfortable with.

brunettemic · 15/09/2025 11:08

I disagree on all the “end the friendship”, “no outside of work communication” comments as people can be work colleagues, friends and off the opposite sex. I have a couple of close male friends, DH has a close female friend (she did a reading at our wedding for example). I think you need to understand your wife’s issues better and see if you’re crossing boundaries. If you are then you need to consider who is more important to you or if you can compromise somehow.

SeaAndStars · 15/09/2025 11:08

katiecustard2 · 15/09/2025 11:06

He also talks to his male colleagues outside of work so he says.

So the issue is that she’s female the the op’s wife doesn’t trust him to have friendships with the opposite sex.

Show quote history

The issue is that the op’s wife, after a long and happy marriage and children, doesn’t trust him to have a dear friendship with this particular member of the opposite sex.

No bloody wonder if he spins and twists his story like he has on this thread.

I'd be wondering if I could trust him to make a cup of tea.

Delphiniumandlupins · 15/09/2025 11:09

You fix this by showing your wife that your marriage is more important than any friendship. You stop the chats and messages outside of work, you ensure that you never socialise just the two of you and you limit other work-related social activities. You stop mentioning your friend at home and you do all this with good grace and no sulking. I believe women and men can be friends without being romantically involved and people can also be unreasonably jealous but your wife isn't usually jealous so something is bothering her.

prelovedusername · 15/09/2025 11:09

A “new friend” who has become “very dear” to you? If you can’t see it yourself there are plenty of us here who can help you out.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

BoredZelda · 15/09/2025 11:10

TheQuirkyMaker · 15/09/2025 11:01

I developed a friendship with a much younger F colleague (I'm M). I kept it from my wife as I knew she would go apeshit. It wasn't physical but we couldn't just not see each other. We had such lovely days at NT places for cream teas and walking our dogs. Someone dobbed us in with a camera phone and it all blew up and she went mad. It's all resolved now but I so adored her. It was a bit like the movie Brief Encounter. That bit of heart ache and what could have been.

Show quote history

I can’t imagine why your wife would go apeshit about you spending time with another woman who you “just couldn’t not see”.

I’ll bet you still think she was irrational, huh. 🤪

noonejoan · 15/09/2025 11:12

Just reassure her :)

LochKatrine · 15/09/2025 11:13

Morning Bob. Your wife is jealous because you're spending time, effort and energy on your new woman friend. Not her.
You need to work on your marriage and focus on her.
Or were you hoping that you could develop this friendship with the new woman, and your wife would be happy with that?

Didimum · 15/09/2025 11:13

You haven't said anything here about what your marriage is like.

How often do you see each other?
What do you do when you're together?
What does the household labour look like?
How much quality time to do you spend together and what does that look like?
What interests and hobbies do you share?
What does a typical weekday and weekend look like?
How's your intimate life and affection levels?
What sort of holidays and breaks do you take and hoe often?

Since you describe the marriage to have not been afflicted by jealousy before, and since (I assume) you have both always had friends, what do YOU think is the difference here? Dig deep and find an answer – because there will be one.

Perhaps you wife feels as though you are pouring more energy and attention into this friend than you do her. That's an issue whether the friend is a man or a woman, but when you're a) in a heterosexual relationship and b) the relationship appears to be deprioritised of energy due to it, it's going to sting so much more.

I'm sure you're a clever person who can work out the above. People who have remained constant for decade who love you and who you love don't suddenly turn into creatures you 'can't understand'. You're just choosing not to understand it.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 15/09/2025 11:14

TheQuirkyMaker · 15/09/2025 11:01

I developed a friendship with a much younger F colleague (I'm M). I kept it from my wife as I knew she would go apeshit. It wasn't physical but we couldn't just not see each other. We had such lovely days at NT places for cream teas and walking our dogs. Someone dobbed us in with a camera phone and it all blew up and she went mad. It's all resolved now but I so adored her. It was a bit like the movie Brief Encounter. That bit of heart ache and what could have been.

Show quote history

And this is what OP’s wife is afraid of. Someone “dobbed you in”? You mean exposed your seedy emotional affair. Romanticising cheating on your wife like its a movie ffs. Grow up.

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 11:14

BoredZelda · 15/09/2025 11:10

I can’t imagine why your wife would go apeshit about you spending time with another woman who you “just couldn’t not see”.

I’ll bet you still think she was irrational, huh. 🤪

Show quote history

There's something so creepy about his post. Ugh. Sleazy old men are awful and this one is trying to pretend it was somehow romantic to be a shit to his wife and slobber over a much younger woman. Shudder. Skin crawling. I can just imagine his horrible smug smirk.

Dinosaursare · 15/09/2025 11:14

Honestly dh had a friendship like this- he saw it as friends and I saw it as her liking him and him enjoying it. I said to him several times I disliked it and I was comfortable. But he said they were mates and just got on.

Well it all came to a head when he misjudged going to hers, alone, after a few drinks on a work night out. I was pregnant at the time and sat awake until he came in at 3am when he told me where he'd been.
Nothing happened (i truly believe him and her) but it took me and the kids leaving for a few weeks and him nearly losing everything for him to realise he'd been crossing lines.
2 years on we're fine but it still plays on my mind that period of our lives.

Cut this off now and listen to your wife.

LEWWW · 15/09/2025 11:16

Men are absolute idiots…

how old is this other woman OP?

LondonLady1980 · 15/09/2025 11:16

So you don’t socialise with her on a one to one basis….

You only see her in a group setting one Friday night a month…..

Yet you’re on the phone to her outside of work, she’s become “part of your life” and she is “very dear to you”…

How does that work?!

CharlieKirkRIP · 15/09/2025 11:16

You describe your wife as a best friend but also want another woman as a best friend. You can’t have both.

You've put your wife in the Companionship Zone so that you can profess your adoration of her to others and not feel guilty, whilst seeking validation from another woman.

I expect your wife feels terribly insecure now the children have left and you have become emotionally attached to another woman.

Sadly, when it’s got to this stage and all the passion and excitement has gone from your marriage and you’re just good companions, one of you will suffer and it’s your wife in this instance.

Be honest, who are you more excited at seeing every day- When you wake up and set off to work eagerly because you know she’s there or when you finish work and are on your way home to your wife?

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 11:16

LEWWW · 15/09/2025 11:16

Men are absolute idiots…

how old is this other woman OP?

Oh, he's no idiot. He's a manipulative creep who knows full well what he's doing. I bet he posted this in the hope we'd all say oh that nasty wife, go ahead you lovely man - so he could show her the thread and gaslight her some more.

KittyHigham · 15/09/2025 11:18

katiecustard2 · 15/09/2025 11:06

He also talks to his male colleagues outside of work so he says.

So the issue is that she’s female the the op’s wife doesn’t trust him to have friendships with the opposite sex.

Show quote history

Unless this is the first female friend he has made, then that's not accurate.

And if this gregarious person hasn't had a female friend before this one, that's odd.

Snackshelpatimes · 15/09/2025 11:21

Also, you've already said that your relationship with your wife hasn't been good recently, surely this isn't helping??!!

DaisyChain505 · 15/09/2025 11:22

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 10:42

I should have said that we barely ever socialise just the two of us. Apologies, I see how this is confusing.
As a team we only go for work drinks about once every three Fridays so it’s not that often.

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And how often are you making the effort to go out for dinner with your wife or to fun events?