How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

But I really find it difficult that the majority don’t think two mates should never be in contact outside of work if they get on well and have a laugh because they aren’t the same gender
So are you saying this is the first female friend you have made? @BobbityBib

If not, then what is different in this instance?

No one has said opposite sex friendships dont exist, or shouldn't exist.

You haven't answered how you'd feel if your wife had a new close friendship with a man and she definitely wasn't going to stop it even if you felt awful about it.

You say your friend is very dear to you. That sounds ridiculous. She's just your new colleague. That you allege you barely socialise with.

Why would you say that if you didn't fancy her. Very dear to you?! It's totally cringe.

100% I second this. I met a close female friend of my partners. At first I was a bit like… is this an EA is this person a challenge to me.

I saw she had the sex appeal of a teaspoon and now I don’t mind their meet ups/ chats at all.

If your wife has never been jealous in the past, something about your friendship with this woman feels different for her.

It’s possible she’s picking up on warning signs that boundaries could become blurred with this woman - it’s surprisingly easy for this to happen without you even realising. I’d recommend reading or listening to the first chapter of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass; it discusses how to recognise the signs and take steps to prevent this.

If your friendship is threatening the stability of your marriage you need to listen to your wife’s concerns without any defensiveness (you’ve been slightly defensive on this thread), and decide what matters most to you. Is your wife’s security and happiness your priority here? Or are messages, evening phone calls, and continuing to develop your relationship with your friend more important?

I find it difficult to believe that a woman you have been with for so long that you have adult children no longer living at home has suddenly become irrationally jealous. Are you really being truthful?

Here's what you do: you end the friendship.

You wife knows.

She's noted how your tone softens when you speak about this friend.

How your expression changes.

The little smile, the little laugh, the warmth in your eyes when you mention her.

And indeed, how often you mention her. 'Mentionitis' is what we call it.

We notice. We know. Sometimes better and before husbands know, or admit it.

Respect your wife's peace of mind.

Do not be a selfish self indulgent idiot.

Work on developing your relationship with your wife, instead. Put the effort into her that you're currently putting into your friend. Find the things in common you're finding with her in your own wife. And your bloke friends.

Because you are being very naive. Let's imagine how you'd feel if she had found a male friend she connected so well with. Not so airy innocent now, is it.

Would you show your wife the text messages you and the other woman send one another?

Is the other woman pretty?

Is the other woman younger than you?

Is the other woman unattached, or at the two of you planning to wreck her marriage, as well as your own?

But I really find it difficult that the majority don’t think two mates should never be in contact outside of work if they get on well and have a laugh because they aren’t the same gender.

Well that's quite the spin.
There's a whole world between "two mates" and "my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now."

If you feint, hedge, spin and drip feed with your wife like you have with us it's understandable that she is unhappy.

@BobbityBib this is what your wife is thinking, poor woman!! I’m not unfaithful. YET........

Sometimes go for days with no contact out of work, sometimes there’s a weekend or an evening where we chat or message a few times.

I'm not sure how the 3 of you meeting up "proves" anything. People have full blown affairs with friends that they and their spouses see regularly. If anything, I understand it adds to the thrill?

This is entirely on you but I would also be interested to here how your dear friend feels about all this? Most decent people would be mortified to hear they were causing someone's spouse such upset. And even if they were a little sad to not be in touch with you 24/7, they'd withdraw slightly (not leave their job but just take a step back).

This is what I feel decent people with no ulterior motive would do. Why are you and your friend finding this so difficult? Put your energy into your marriage, not trying to (unsuccessfully) round up a mob on the internet to "prove" your wife is in the wrong because you can't have want you want.

Because he contradicted himself, because he's not being honest with himself. He 'literally' says they barely ever socialise in a post where he says they socialise after work every week, then later says it's only every three weeks. In short, he's all over the place and it's fishy AF. If this is the first time the wife has had an issue with a female 'friend' in a long marriage with a gregarious man, then the 'controlling' angle doesn't fly either. The OP works with her, he doesn't need to end the friendship if it's only about work as he sporadically claims, he can continue to work with her but doesn't need to be 'catching up' after hours as he also says he does, despite saying everything they do is work-related. We aren't idiots and neither's the wife, even if he's in denial about his true feelings.

To be fair, that doesn't sound like a huge amount of contact for a friend. So the next question is, would you happily show your wife the messages if she asked to see them?

Also, is the woman single?

Why?
What can you possibly have to say to another woman, when you're at home with your wife?

If she's never been jealous before, what's different about this friendship?

Because they're always an attractive female colleague, I'd bet my house that she's not older, unattractive, with a menopausal sweat on.
You're kidding yourself but you're not kidding your wife or anyone on here.
I hope your wife decides she's worth more than a husband who puts his friendship with another woman ahead of her feelings and leaves you.
Christ, you're a walking cliché

You are putting another female over your wife. Obviously that will not end well. Choose your wife, apologise profusely for being a dick and NEVER try this shit again, or accept that your marriage will end acrimoniously. It's not complex, at all.

As for them meeting up - why the hell would your wife want to meet the woman who fancies you and who you fancy back? Refusing to answer whether you thought she was hot or not was a bit of clue - but we didn't need a clue.

If it was 60 year old Marge from accounting you wouldn't have a bar of her 😆

Christ, men must think women are dumb as a bag of hammers. Or this is just some made up shite.

I don't see there a problem with having a friend of the opposite sex. But as soon as one is prepared to prioritise that friendship above their relationship then one needs to admit that there must be something problematic about that friendship.

How has this woman come onto your wife's radar beyond that of other colleagues that you are socialising with at the same time? Do you have mentionitis at home?

Why is this woman so important to you that is is worth upsetting your wife over? Why do you need her friendship so badly that you would see your wife distressed over it?

Edited to say the gif was a mistake!!

What do your adult children think about this?

I developed a friendship with a much younger F colleague (I'm M). I kept it from my wife as I knew she would go apeshit. It wasn't physical but we couldn't just not see each other. We had such lovely days at NT places for cream teas and walking our dogs. Someone dobbed us in with a camera phone and it all blew up and she went mad. It's all resolved now but I so adored her. It was a bit like the movie Brief Encounter. That bit of heart ache and what could have been.

@BobbityBib but it upsets your wife - I have had male friends and DH has had female friends and it has never bothered either of us. But if it did I would end or cut back on the friendship

because your wife is bothered so something must be bothering her

if it was just a friendship like others taking a step back wouldn’t be a problem you live long enough and life is full of friendships lost along the way

I think that's extreme. You can't say a man isn't allowed to talk to another woman at all!

For me reading this, I find your are slipping in and out of referring to her as a dear friend and then she's back to being a work colleague. My feeling is that you may talk about her at home more than you mean too which is crossing a line that your wife isn't happy with - bringing your work home plus more.

I love my job and work with a lot of men, I don't really go in depth about my working relationship with any of these men outside of work or even there names because there is nothing to tell and people may misunderstand if I started talking about how kind a couple of people have been kind to me, it might sound like there more than a work colleague.

Odd question incoming:

Does she have longer hair than your wife?

Vomit. What a manky old twat you are 😅