How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

Indeed....... it's your funeral!

If DH and I are sitting watching TV together in the evening, we would both be very upset if the other was busy messaging on their phone. We prioritise our time together, time for us to chat, watch something, hold hands and cuddle. If we are distracted by our phones then we are not respecting each other and the time we set aside for each other. Sometimes however it's necessary for us both to respond to messages and calls, so we'll let each other know what we're doing. It's certainly not controlling, we simply value our time together and have made this agreement with each other for the benefit of our relationship.

I don't know why you didn't leave your wife to pursue this pure, cerebral connection, given the clear contempt you have for her.

Your wife should come first in everything.

I think once you are married, it’s not really normal to suddenly get a ‘new’ female friend however much you try to dress it up as purely platonic.

Your wife clearly isn’t seeing it that way and introducing them makes it even worse in my view. If my hb did this I’d be upset.

Does your ‘new’ female friend also have a partner/ husband / kids or does she happen to be single?

I think at best you are kidding yourself and not putting yourself in your wife’s position. At worst, you are already emeshed in this woman who in your own words is ‘very dear to you’.

They are not the words of a man who is purely platonic in his intentions. Very far from it.

I expect you quite enjoy the flattery the new relationship brings. The fact you haven’t already talked and listened to your wife suggests the emotional neglect you are already showing.

But it’s dangerous territory. If you are happy to continue risking your marriage in this way do continue. You may find however that your wife starts to find her own path and soon you won’t have a choice in the matter.

I do think you have your wires mixed around work friendships. You should be keeping it purely professional. No messaging outside work. I have worked all my life around men- I would never entertain male friendships as you describe in addition to my husband. Of course I chat and laugh with my friends husbands as part of mutual friends who are in couples but I would never meet up or message them separately to my girlfriends. That’s a line. Even if I did think more of them. One of the couples who was in our friendship group did start meeting up for cycling/ running interests and guess what? Yep they started having an affair and both parties are now divorced.

Your poor wife.

You don’t need to talk to your friend outside of work though do you? i would put money on her being younger and attractive, you’re all so predictable.

Meanwhile, you’ve managed to get to an age where your kids have left home and still are not financially stable - you’re not the catch this woman ‘friend’ is leading you to believe you are. You were born in an era when you could pay your mortgage off quickly if you just showed up to any old job every day (I know this to be true because I was also born in this era and we had it easy).

Hopefully your wife divorces you and then you can talk to your friend every night without it hurting someone else’s feelings. Maybe she’ll find someone that’s paid off their mortgage and has no interest in new female friendships outside their relationships.

His POV ^^

Her POV - Out of the kindness of my heart I sometimes used to take a lonely old man out for scones. It was a bore, but I managed to combine it with my dog walk and my dog quite liked his. The bloke turned out to be a bit creepy and smelled of mince so I told him my National Trust membership had expired and that was the end of that.

Reading through your posts-

1. your wife has never shown any inkling of jealousy before.
2. this woman is very dear to you and part of your life now. Ive paraphrased but this is why your wife is unhappy. This woman has become significant in your life. Your wife is quite rightly worried. If this is the first time in all your years together that she has expressed concerns then her concerns are real. Even if you are not interested in an affair with this woman then this woman has enough importance in your life that your wife has to accept her. there is no need to be texting, messaging work colleagues over the weekend and evenings. This is a choice you are making. by all means be friendly to this colleague but shut down this intense friendship. this is coming from someone whose partner has a close work friend of the opposite sex so I’m not someone who believes opposite genders cannot be friends.

In your first post you mentioned Brief Encounter. They were in love and it was a sense of duty and the prevailing societal mores of the times that kept them with their spouses, who they may have loved but not as much as each other.

Referring to your respective partners "tantrums" is extremely contemptuous and you actually sound more sleazy than if you were honest about how you at least felt.

"gets irrationally upset"

So wife is "irrational". Hmm.

This is a classical sleight of hand used by cheating men to dehumanise their wife - who has valid concerns - and try to get other people on their side. It's based on that old goody, trotted out by many men when they are challenged by women, which is that "men are rational creatures while women are hysterical and irrational".

It's not only a sexist trope, it is also idiotic. Because if we really have to classify the sexes according to their irrationality, men would win hands down. ALL humans are emotional. We are animals, with a powerful limbic system that is only thinly overlaid with neocortex. The smartest people are those who recognise and respect their emotions. This makes them much more likely to be able to control their emotions, so they don't spill over destructively onto others.

Which is the sex that

• starts all the wars
• commits the vast majority of rapes and murders
• is most likely to kill their spouse
• is almost unique in terms of their heinous propensity to kill their children when their spouse tries to leave them
• shoots up schools
• is most aggressively xenophobic, beating up and killing marginalised people
• commits suicide most often
• is more likely to abuse substances
• is much more likely to be the aggressor in road rage incidents and engage in aggressive driving behaviors such as speeding, tailgating, and rude gestures
• is more emotionally reactive at work and prone to quit in a huff
• is more likely to get into physical and/or verbal fights?

It's not women. In fact, the evidence is that men as a sex are not in control of their emotions and are as a result very dangerous to the rest of us.

The truly "irrational" one in OP's situation is OP. He is having an emotional affair with his colleague while deluding himself that it's not an affair. And he uses the misogynist trope that women are hysterical to dismiss his wife's very clear eyed concerns and the 99% of poster on this board who have told him, "YOU ARE HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR!"

Yet another silly destructive little man, full of puff and ego and no self-awareness at all.

Your poor, poor wife. I can imagine you both sitting there in the evening, just you together in the house now the kids have gone. She’s probably feeling so lonely now and spends her evenings with you glued to your phone. Not with her dh’s attention and affection but watching him smile at his phone, messaging or nipping off to phone this woman. Makes me so angry for your wife!
then she becomes ‘irrational’ and you tell her she’s wrong and she’s just a good friend. Ah job done. No harm done there then…

I think this is the heart of it:

It really seems like you enjoy the flattery and attention from this woman.

If you’re wondering why people say “men and women can’t be just friends,” this is usually the reason, when one person is getting something emotionally validating from the connection.

My husband has a few female friends from his university days (over 15 years ago). They’ll meet up for coffee or chat privately on the phone, and it doesn’t bother me… because I know they friendzoned him back then. They are all beautiful girls, and he was the sweet, slightly awkward guy who wasn’t quite in their league. Their loss, he’s mine now. :)

But if he suddenly made a new female friend? That would make me uncomfortable. Why? Because he is probably be drawn to her attention, and that blurs the lines. Eapecially if he’s describing them the way the OP does. He shouldn’t be looking for that from anyone else.

If I was the wife I would be speaking to this woman and asking what the hell is going on. At work. Publically.

Hmm, OP.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you be comfortable in your marriage?

Have you had form for this? Make new friends of the opposite sex, and micro cheat? When you say you have conversations? Are you confiding in said friend? On things you would not with your wife? Are you crossing boundaries with this new friend?

Are you downplaying this friendship to your wife because it benefits you?

Would you say the same things to this new friend if they were male?

How would you feel if this was a deal breaker for your DF, and she decided to leave your marriage?

There's clearly something missing in your relationship where you feel you need to replace your wife's friendship with another woman's. Whether this friendship is platonic or not you're being very disrespectful to you wife and it is a level of cheating.

Book some time with just you and your wife, go away for a nice holiday abroad or home whichever is best, put your wife first as it seems you're putting this other woman first over your wife. Talk to your wife and tell her how you feel and listen to what she's saying. You are heading foe divorce if you carry this silly friendship on and the reason your wife is getting upset is because she knows your mond is elsewhere.

Don't be a lowlife, be decent and respect your wife.

Op has been asked many times if this co worker is pretty. He hasn't replied. I'm going to go out on a limb here, and predict that she is Op's age or younger, and is indeed very attractive. Quelle Surprise. This is why he didn't want to say. The chances of this woman being 55 and fat are minuscule (and before anyone jumps on that, I am describing myself).

As was ever thus, Op will not take heed, and will only open his ears once the wife has left. Men never listen until it's too late.

There's a pattern here of men forming inappropriate relationships (and thinking it's fine if they're not physically sexual), with varying degrees of how honest they are with themselves about them... and blaming their wives for not being happy. OP isn't quite as bad as the guy who admits fantasising about "what might have been" with his special cerebral friend while calling his wife mad, apeshit and tantrummy for seeing the problem, but he's in the same ball park.

I don't know if someone else has said this as I haven't read all 14 pages. You must be very dense if you don't understand the "Is she pretty?" question. You mentioned that your kids are grown and have moved out. This suggests to me that your wife is of an age where she will be either peri-menopausal or in full meno. This is a time of life for a woman when our bodies change. We're aging, getting fine lines, dry skin, maybe putting on a little weight, generally feeling less secure with ourselves. If our husbands suddenly develop a strong friendship with a woman who is either younger or prettier (or both) then this is understandably going to have an effect on our self esteem and induce feelings of jealousy. Your wife is at a time in her life when she probably needs more reassurance from you, not have you developing 'dear friendships' with work colleagues. Try to look at it from other perspectives, not just your own selfish one.

This. Both should be able to have friends of the opposite sex.

i should think in this length of marriage it’s very likely that the OP does have female friends and that in his contact list he has several woman’s names but this particular one is clearly different. OP and her obviously connect on a certain level that if neither were in relationships they would likely be together. I imagine the wife knows this and probably so does the OP deep down which is why he is so reluctant to give up this friendship. It must be just awful for his wife.

Fuck me, this! All day, every day - this!!!

This whole thread is really triggering for me. I was in a similar situation with my now ex-h.
The final straw was when I found out that when he went on train journeys to see his brother (a whole hour and a half) they would spend the time chatting to each other, he would ignore my messages but spend his time enjoying her company. Literally 60/70 messages to his ‘friend’. I guess my messages weren’t interesting enough or my replies weren’t stroking his ego enough. Made me feel so upset.
I demanded to look at his phone when he got home and took photos of them. They were used in our divorce.

Honestly, get real, please.

I feel there's lots of info you haven't given us OP. How old is your wife/how old are you? Are you recent empty nesters? Is your wife going through peri or menopause or having any health issues? Does she also have a busy job she enjoys where she also sees male and female work colleagues outside work? Does your wife rely on you a lot for nights out and her social life or does she have a nice group of friends etc? Women can become anxious/paranoid and lonely as they go through perimenopause - I know I have these feelings more. Talk to your wife and get to the root of the problem. Is your female friend single or recently divorced? Is she a lot younger than your wife? Are you often saying how great she is to your wife? Your wife should be your number one priority especially now your kids have grown and flown.

There is no suggestion in any of the OP’s posts that his wife routinely has issues with him having friends of the opposite sex, just that she has a problem with this particular woman/friendship. Which to me suggests that there is something different about this friendship that she is picking up on.