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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

456 replies

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 08:38

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

OP posts:
Misssam80 · 15/09/2025 17:24

Your wife has said this friendship makes her unconditionally so that should be the end of it . Why

Lighteningstrikes · 15/09/2025 17:31

@BobbityBib
I think you are overstepping the mark, but worse than that you’re not understanding or respecting your wife’s feelings.

Why ruin a marriage over a work colleague/friend. You see her at work, why on earth do you need even more contact out of work? It sounds way OTT to me, and I don’t blame your wife at all.

Septemberchill · 15/09/2025 17:40

The fact is that it doesn't matter what any of us on here say,feel or think. The only person that matters is your wife. If she says that she doesn't feel comfortable with the situation, you change it. Immediately. It's all about love and respect of the person you marred.

Summertimesadnessishere · 15/09/2025 17:47

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 15/09/2025 17:09

Fuck me, this! All day, every day - this!!!

Show quote history

And me too. Bloody depressing though.

Its why the statistics also say that woman live longer than a man post divorce as they do better on their own.

Men need women. I hate saying these things as I really feel like I’m being sexist but the data is the data - this is what it shows in all I’ve read. Sobering truths. What the heck do we tell our daughters?

MegaClutterSlut · 15/09/2025 18:02

You said she is not the jealous type. For what ever reason her gut is telling her something is off about this friendship so listen to her.
I think the question, 'is she attractive' is a valid question because if there is any attraction there, you are playing a very dangerous game imo despite you saying that you'd never cheat

Tam285 · 15/09/2025 18:22

Is she single? Is she younger? Is she attractive? Of course this is all relevant because if your new, very dear bestie is 65 year old Brenda with a blue rinse then I'm sure your wife will be fine with things when you explain that.

I'm guessing though that that's not the case.

KmcK87 · 15/09/2025 18:28

Hey OP can you come back and update us in 6 months time when you’re ready to admit you’ve caught feelings and are in full blown affair territory?

Salt291 · 15/09/2025 18:37

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 08:38

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

I’m guessing you and your wife have been unhappy since meeting your new friend!? Please have a word with yourself and stop trying to get justification by asking strangers on the internet! You are emotionally cheating! End of. And if you don’t call it a day with “socially” engaging with this new friend it will turn into physical cheating! I’ve seen this soooooo many times. And to use your job as a justification as well? Come on, She”s either got something on you or you want it to go further! Put your wife first or leave her!

perfectcolourfound · 15/09/2025 18:38

If your wife had always been a jealous person then I'd say the problem is with her.

But you say she isn't. This is new. And TBH, if you were my husband, talking about a new friend being 'very dear', 'an important part of my life', 'I'd be said if I didn't work with them anymore' I would see alarm bells too.

Listen to your wife. She is seeing something that either you aren't yet seeing or are refusing to see.

Your wife, who you claim to love, is being upset by your new friendship. She doesn't have form for unreasonable jealousy. Are you really going to fight to keep your friend at the risk of usetting you wife and your marriage?

Who is your priority?

HatStickBoots · 15/09/2025 18:43

OP has been backpeddling so fast since that initial post.

Delphiniumandlupins · 15/09/2025 18:43

LondonLady1980 · 15/09/2025 11:16

So you don’t socialise with her on a one to one basis….

You only see her in a group setting one Friday night a month…..

Yet you’re on the phone to her outside of work, she’s become “part of your life” and she is “very dear to you”…

How does that work?!

He didn't say they never socialise on a one to one basis, just that they barely do.

TheRoseDeer · 15/09/2025 18:45

An affair waiting to happen.

Hollietree · 15/09/2025 18:51

perfectcolourfound · 15/09/2025 18:38

If your wife had always been a jealous person then I'd say the problem is with her.

But you say she isn't. This is new. And TBH, if you were my husband, talking about a new friend being 'very dear', 'an important part of my life', 'I'd be said if I didn't work with them anymore' I would see alarm bells too.

Listen to your wife. She is seeing something that either you aren't yet seeing or are refusing to see.

Your wife, who you claim to love, is being upset by your new friendship. She doesn't have form for unreasonable jealousy. Are you really going to fight to keep your friend at the risk of usetting you wife and your marriage?

Who is your priority?

“Who is your priority?”

Himself!

HelpMeUnpickThis · 15/09/2025 19:21

@BobbityBib

Direct question to you - would you be happy if your wife had a similar "friendship" with another man?

GoldDuster · 15/09/2025 19:36

HelpMeUnpickThis · 15/09/2025 19:21

@BobbityBib

Direct question to you - would you be happy if your wife had a similar "friendship" with another man?

At this point he would say Yes, Of Course! to this question, because he is so busy justifying his behaviour and compartmentalising his actions and telling himself a story so he can continue down the path he is choosing. It's a tale as old as time.

TwoTuesday · 15/09/2025 19:59

It doesn't matter what strangers on the internet think. Or how many wives would be ok with this. Your wife doesn't like it, so who do you want, your work wife or your real wife? If she's never been jealous before it's clearly a problem, whether or not you can see it yet.

whistlesandbells · 15/09/2025 20:06

You wouldn’t be sitting in my house on the phone talking to another woman for ages and making me sad and uncomfortable after the first time.

Sorry if that is unreasonable to some people but I wouldn’t accept it.

StarDolphins · 15/09/2025 20:12

I can’t work out if you’re trying to convince yourself or your wife that this is a platonic friendship?! Do the right thing by your wife or lose her.

Ceceprincess80 · 15/09/2025 20:14

Oh my word. You are making this friendship your priority and not your marriage.

Mumptynumpty · 15/09/2025 21:11

Someone is protesting slightly too much.

Poor, poor wife.

Lennon80 · 15/09/2025 21:20

If my husband took up with a new female friend the marriage would be over - yours is heading that way! So selfish expecting your wife to tolerate this.

Subwaystop · 15/09/2025 23:39

OP have you decided what to do?

Maltipoo · 16/09/2025 00:15

BobbityBib · 15/09/2025 10:58

Sometimes go for days with no contact out of work, sometimes there’s a weekend or an evening where we chat or message a few times.

Show quote history

You go whole days without contacting your dear friend who is an important part of your life and your wife is "irrationally" jealous of, which is threatening your marriage, but who you won't give up? Here's what you're looking for; ⭐
Officially a good Nigel.

Smallsalt · 16/09/2025 00:40

It's nothing deep
You barely socialize
You barely chat in your fast paced work place

But she is "very dear to you"🙄🙄🙄🙄
Give it a rest.

Talkinrubbishagain · 16/09/2025 07:27

How incredibly selfish of you. What on earth are you doing? How could you hurt your wife so? You enjoy the flattery I’m sure…the woman ‘friend’ knows exactly what she is doing. She is after you and also has no consideration for your wife.
Stop seeing her and phoning her and spend the rest of your life loving and caring for your wife, otherwise your marriage won’t survive.