How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

Are you serious? No matter how innocent, your wife is not happy about this friendship. Would you be comfortable with her chatting to a man friend? You are making your wife feel inecure. Your ego is getting in the way here.

My DH has female colleagues who he will occasionally message about work and it may migrate to platonic personal catch ups. He would also see them out socially with work. He doesn’t consider them ‘dear friends’ and if I ever expressed discomfort I know he wouldn’t hesitate to keep it professional because they are no where near as valuable as his relationship with me. But because I know that and he makes me feel secure I don’t need to be jealous or ask him to cut contact.

To me it sounds like you are willing to put at risk how your wife feels to continue this friendship. That puts a lot of value on this woman. Sounds to me like you have a crush and are justifying it by saying you don’t intend to sleep with her so it’s not an issue. Problem is relationships are living things and grow where watered. Right now you are watering this new friendship to the detriment of your marriage. You may not intend to physically cheat but there is more to being unfaithful than just a physical action. If you value your marriage and your wife has never been jealous or controlling before then she is probably picking up on your crush and it’s making her uncomfortable and upset. Do the right thing and dial back the friendship to show her how important she is to you. Then once she feels confident in your relationship if it’s appropriate you can introduce them but accept that if it’s upsetting for her it’s not worth it.

No, not at all. There was nothing sleazy involved. It was just that we both ached to spend time with each other. It was cerebral. We never touched. There was an aura about her. Once both our partners had their tantrums, we went our separate ways, with our memories.

Give over, no one really thinks/writes like this. Aching over your NT cream teas! 😂

From my point of view (a man), it's perfectly acceptable to have female friends/co-workers however if the friendship is impacting on your own relationship with your wife then you should stop it immediately, my wife of 28 years is my only female friend and my best friend, I have loads of female 'acquaintances' and that's where they stay, just acquaintances. Your wife is absolutely right to be 'jealous' because she's fearful of losing you to her, FWIW you have entered into an emotional relationship with your friend already and are one step away from a full blown affair, just my two pennies worth of advice, end your friendship now and put your energy into repairing your relationship, you can thank me later!

Vom. Because you'd absolutely have had cream teas and lovely days and dog walks with another middle aged man.

Pull the other one, it have got bells on.

Spending time with someone of the opposite sex behind your spouse's back becomes sleazy the moment you know they'd be uncomfortable with it and you're mooning around like a lovestruck teenager.

Idealised lovely younger woman Vs (often) woman who's raising your children, washing your pants, hearing you farting in bed at night and generally expecting an equal partner and team member. It's a massive cliche for a reason.

Did you type that with one hand?

This ☝️☝️☝️. From what you have said you have a long marriage and her behaviour is very out of character. Also the way you talk about your colleague...it's not sexual, but it is emotional. Whether you can see it or not your lady friend is a definite threat to your marriage in terms of your emotional attachment. Your wife see's this and this is why she is behaving out of character. The fact that you are extremely unwilling to part company with her even though it impacts your wife so reinforces that she's right. You need to be honest with yourself and make a choice. If you love your wife you'll pop your female friend back squarely in the colleague zone 👌. You sound like a good bloke... don't damage your marriage...there are plenty of friends to be made. Your wife shouldn't be as easily replaced 👍

Was there anything ever said that indicated OP is male? If OP is female, does that change most of the responses? If it does- why?

This would have saved our marriage. I was in the same situation as the OP’s wife. Absolutely heartbroken. Constantly being told over and over that it was all normal behaviour and I was causing our marriage to end. I was ruining everything because I couldn’t be okay with his new friendship.
Just reading this comment has brought tears to my eyes because that is all I wanted - my dh to see me as his one and only. The person he wanted to be happy not a woman he’d recently met.

Perhaps I might provide the perspective you seek.

I have been in this situation with my partner a few years ago and we have worked through it. Back then, he was working a gig job and met another female coworker. I didn’t think anything of it at first and have not been jealous before BUT in this case, I noticed a significant change in his behaviour.

First things first, he would not stop talking about this person when he got home from work. He said it was because he wanted me to be her friend, but I am more of an introvert and prefer my own company or hanging out with other fellow couple friends. One day, when putting my partner’s phone on charge, a text from her lit up his screen, in which she informed him of her ‘extracurricular activities’. I found this unacceptable and confronted my partner immediately. He did not see anything wrong with it and considered it banter, and granted I do have to partially agree because people in this line of gig work, can be like this.

Over the next few weeks, the situation became unbearable and almost drove us apart. It’s like he couldn’t grasp why I was so bothered but the truth is, it made me uncomfortable and somewhat threatened, maybe insecure. Eventually he did tell his friend that I don’t like their interaction, and she completely laughed at it, called me a few insulting things, like she didn’t even care she was hurting another woman. That, alongside flirty messages from her end and oversharing, cemented it for me, it was not in my head. She was attracted to him and did not respect that he was in a relationship one bit. My partner cut off contact out of respect for me but it wasn’t easy for him as I knew he cared for her as a friend, especially as making friends wasn’t easy for him. I also fully believe that my partner did not cheat despite the innuendos from his friend, but there was no space for her in his life.

On a more positive note, we have been stronger than ever since, but it did take a few months to rebuild our trust. If there is one piece of advice I can give you, it’s to cut the contact. If you love your wife, you should respect her feelings and put her first, I can guarantee this is not something that she will get over, it’s going to drive a wedge between you two and might even end your relationship. I know for sure, that if my partner did not end his friendship, I would have left.

I hope this helps.

This sounds a lot like gaslighting and narcissistic - You're probably hoping we will side with you, so you can then show your wife all of the comments from a majority of women.

However, that's not going to happen. You're looking for a reason/justification to leave your wife and jump in bed with this other woman. You talk about them like a new excitement at the start of a new relationship. Stop stringing your wife along - It's cruel.

The OP is male. It's obvious from the whole 'why can't men and women be friends' angle, in posts like:

"I really find it difficult that the majority don’t think two mates should never be in contact outside of work if they get on well and have a laugh because they aren’t the same gender."

They aren't the same gender, so the OP is male. And again, the gender flipping argument (straight, gay or any which way) really isn't that enlightening. Women here have vast life experience of straight men, gay women and the full range, and are aware of the differences in relationships between the various combos.

Your wife is bound to be concerned if the boot was on the other foot would you like it. Its fine to have a friend of the opposite sex but you say you're fond of her. No wonder your wife is jealous. You seem to want your cake and eat it. Not really good for a happy marriage. Reassure your wife invite her to be part of the friendship. I feel for her this is not really a correct way to go about it. Just my opinion

I'm outraged how everyone says dump the friend to please your wife. How red flag would that be the other way round? Why would anyone be ok with being so controlling you can't have certain friends?
If it's only recent behaviour then what has triggered the issue with your wife? Has she explained?

Your wife is bound to be concerned if the boot was on the other foot would you like it. Its fine to have a friend of the opposite sex but you say you're fond of her. No wonder your wife is jealous. You seem to want your cake and eat it. Not really good for a happy marriage. Reassure your wife invite her to be part of the friendship. I feel for her this is not really a correct way to go about it. Just my opinion

In your OP you said:
my wife has become very jealous of a new friend
How “new” is this new friend?

if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too
Already “very dear” to you and “part of your life” sounds like a pretty intense emotional attachment to your new friend.

Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things
You don’t talk to her about anything that’s deeply personal, don’t talk about your relationship, but do talk to her about “most things”. What things are you talking to her about? I’m guessing “most things” means it’s not just small talk and work gossip?

I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing
Why would you need to change jobs, when you could easily “change the situation” by stopping the evening and weekend phone calls and not engaging in message conversations with her? Why would it be so hard for you to keep things professional, for the sake of your marriage?

But he hasn’t been told to dump the friend. Sounds like wife is upset at level of contact or content of out of work stuff. That the phone calls over the weekend are likely to be the trigger and that’s what she wants reducing?

I think his behaviour is quite cruel too. I bet he’s a great guy to everyone else. His wife sees the real him who clearly enjoys an ego stroke

What? Fuck that. My husband will NEVER be the only man I chat to 😂

That’s nuts.

I guess I’d better tell my (female, as am I!) colleagues that I’ll no longer be meeting them for dinner on Friday night.

As simple as...

Wife has never been jealous. If she feels this is off, she's not wrong in taking her sixth sense seriously.

Now, it's up to you to communicate, listen to, and hear what she's saying. Ultimately, it should be a simple choice ...and really, only one outcome.

Unless, you're trying to justify everything you've said to an outcome that's inevitable....
Loss of your wife and your relationship with her...

That's so cringy, I hope your wife knows how you describe this woman, so she can decide whether to stay with such a creep.
You seriously don't believe you were wrong do you.

Your wife is quite clearly feeling something is off in her gut. You don’t need to be making new female friends who you regularly speak to on the phone after work when you’re married. Far too many affairs start in the workplace for this to ever be acceptable in my marriage, luckily my husband has the same view.

Out of all the advice given here, this is what you choose to act on !!!!!!
This has got to be a wind up.