How to reassure my wife about my friendship.

[BobbityBib]

Being very honest here so please don’t shoot me down. I don’t know what to do for the best. Recently things between me and my wife have been very difficult. I love and care for her very much. She’s a lovely person, my best friend and we have been happy until over the last year. Our kids have moved out and have their own lives now.
But - my wife has become very jealous of a new friend (who is a woman). Jealousy hasn’t been a thing in our relationship before and I don’t recognise her sometimes. She’s quiet and moody and gets irrationally upset when I see my friend socially or she hears me chatting to her on the phone.
Me and my friend have a good time together and I can talk to her about most things but it stays in the friendship zone. I’m not unfaithful and I wouldn’t be. I don’t know what to do as we work together everyday so there’s no possibility of this situation changing. It took me a long time to get this job and we aren’t very financially secure so I’m not able to change jobs, nor should I.
Of course I want my wife to be happy again but if I’m being truthful, my friend is very dear to me and she is part of my life now too. Has anyone found a solution to this? How do I reassure my wife?

You need to put this new friend on a shelf and focus on your wife. I honestly don't think that platonic relationships can function long term. Does this woman have a husband? Have you been out as a foursome? Has your wife met this women? Is she 'of the not to be taken to bed' type? (I have to be polite here!) A lot will depend on her age, disposition, social context. But, at the end of the day, your wife is your other half and needs the attention you are giving to this other woman. I would be effing livid if my husband had a friend like this and let him know it too. Alternatively, I may find a male friend and who knows where that may take me - there are lots of them out there!

You're on Mumsnet everyone here thinks men are automatically in the wrong 24/7, and think that there's no way anyone could be friends with someone from the opposite sex without being sexually attracted to them!

How long have you been friends with the other female? Were you friends before or after your kids moved out?

Why can't platonic friendships function long term? Most of my friends are male and they're all platonic in fact 4 of them are god parents to my kids (my eldest being 20 and youngest being 15) so yes they do function long term!

The new "completely platonic honest guv" friendship is never with a middle aged bloke. Always a younger & attractive woman.

OP, you are a massive cliché & I'm embarrassed for you. You're on the road to divorce and I wish your wife all the best.

The fact that you mentioned your friend more than your wife and you spoke highly of your friend but not your wife , is the entire reason everyone thinks you’re having an emotional affair , leave the friendship at work you do not need to communicate outside of work , I do not think everyone meeting up will help in anyway I probably think your wife is ready for the pair of you , imagine if you all meet up and you act how you are at work with this friend in front of your wife , it’s going to blow up in your face . Separate the friend from your home life .

If your wife is feeling insecure about your friendship, then surely your relationship with her comes above anything else? If, some evenings, you are sitting with her, but your focus is either on messaging or speaking to this friend, then there's something wrong. There would be something wrong if your attention was taken away by a male friend also. My DH will say to each other "X has just messaged, is it ok if I quickly respond". Or "can I quickly call X".

Invite this friend round to meet your wife, with her partner if she has one, and maybe other work colleagues.

You say you wouldn't be unfaithful and don't want a relationship with this woman. Does she feel the same? Sometimes men can be totally oblivious and women pick up on these vibes sooner. Your wife may see something that you have not yet.

This is a weird take. My DH is great but he can’t be all men just because we’re under the same roof 😂 wouldn’t think twice about messaging a male friend or colleague about something.

I don’t think you are being honest with yourself, let alone your wife. Your work colleague is very dear to you. That is only a very short step to being more than a friend. Get your priorities right.

@ManteesRock @BobbityBib

You are being disingenuous.

You might have platonic male friends - has your partner ever complained about them?

If he did - what did you do about it? Ie if your husband felt uncomfortable and expressed this - what did you or what would you do?

If not ie you have had friendships that did not upset your partner then your contribution is not really relevant. This is not about men and women cant be friends blah blah. If you think this you are talking nonsense and you have missed the point of the post.

In this case, the wife is unhappy. We are not talking about mutual friends and godfathers. We are talking about a man who is upsetting his wife by talking to a work colleague OUTSIDE of work at frequent and unnecessary intervals, to the detriment of his marriage.

@ManteesRock boundaries in marriage are important.

We are talking about OP continually continuing a relationship that is uncomfortable for his wife. That is the issue. He is not addressing his wife's discomfort and people like you come across as "pick mes" justifying something that is enough to break a whole long standing marriage.

He is not "automatically" in the wrong. In this case, he IS in the wrong.

Ah I love a bit of Sabrina! 🎶

Yes my husband had a problem with it and I told him to grow up; because just because some people think that the opposite sex is just for bedding not everyone thinks like that!
I also told him that it showed how little respect he has for women if he thinks that men only want to socialise with women to bed them; he changed his mind and decided that maybe it was fine for us to be friends!
I am in fact now divorced because I caught my husband having an affair with his best friend - a male he'd been friends with since high school!

I could not be in a relationship that's so controlling that I have to tell my partner who's texting me and asking permission to call or text them back!
You either love me, trust me and let me call and text people as and when I like or you don't love me!

Yes my husband had a problem with it and I told him to grow up; because just because some people think that the opposite sex is just for bedding not everyone thinks like that!
I also told him that it showed how little respect he has for women if he thinks that men only want to socialise with women to bed them; he changed his mind and decided that maybe it was fine for us to be friends!

@ManteesRock Hi, but did you work with your male friend, and socialise with him, and spend time regularly on the phone as well - as Op does with his new friend?

That is a lot.

@ManteesRock

You are seriously projecting from your own experiences, none of which tally with that the OP has said.

His wife has no history of jealousy or controlling behaviour.

She has raised THIS particular relationship as an issue; which she is right to do as his wife.

All your long story about controlling behaviour etc is YOUR stuff - not the wife here. There is no mention of asking permission etc etc from the OP. You are literally superimposing your own experience onto a totally different scenario.

If you loved your wife and you know this friendship upsets her you would move heaven and earth to make sure she was not upset. There are 3 people in your marriage and a marriage should only have 2. If you don’t want to upset your wife or be divorced in the future end this “fantasy friendship “ now. If your so called “friend “ really cared for you and is a truely decent person she would end it. Your having either an emotional affair or in limerence with another female. You choose who you want more or who you are happy to hurt. You can’t have both so grow up

That ignores the fact that this relationship of many, many years has never been 'so controlling' nor controlling at all as far as we've been told. It's been good up until recently, during the same period that this 'dear friend' came on the scene. To characterise it as some crazily controlling wife is taking it out of context and echoes the kind of gaslighting OP is no doubt laying on thick at home. It's also naive to cite the 'trust me or don't' line as if longstanding trusted partners aren't susceptible to cheating. These things can be dealt with if a couple can be honest with themselves and each other and prioritise the relationship if it's important. Seems naive to blithely trust when warning bells are ringing and to let a long marriage crumble when you could both communicate and do something about it.

Men in your position never make the sort of close work friendships where they are speaking outside work and messaging all the time with male colleagues. It's always with a woman who is often younger than their wives.

There are loads of these stories on Mumsnet from women posting about their husbands and their close female colleagues and there is always an attraction and it's never just platonic.

Is this woman married or in a relationship?

Mmmm normally I don’t subscribe to the ditch friends because your partner is jealous school of thought but to me it’s quite unusual and slightly suspicious to have a newish opposite sex friend that is described as a ‘dear’ friend without there being a little more to it and I’m guessing your wife feels the same?
I could understand more if this was a long standing friend and you went out with them occasionally to catch up. But someone you haven’t known that long that you see everyday but also need to spend time socialising with as well?
My husband is friends with a woman at his work and they occasionally text each other funny memes and he’ll see her socially at events where other colleagues are present, never just the two of them and no way would he describe her as a ‘dear friend’.
You probably should dial it back a little at least- no socialising just the two of you. It’s weird.

I have been the work friend (his PA so very close working relationship) and his wife felt the same way about me.
I left the company & me & this guy said we’d stay in touch & still go for after work drinks but his wife has banned him from seeing me altogether.
It’s honestly left me bereft because our friendship was also very dear to me. We did occasionally speak or meet up but I found out he was doing it secretly behind his wife’s back which I wasn’t comfortable with. My advice is if you don’t want to lose your wife or friend, get them to meet each other, and be open & honest about the friendship, whatever you do don’t lie about it to either one as it will only hurt them. But also don’t lie to yourself, if you feel this friendship is more than platonic on either side, you need to address that & not just ignore it.

You can't have them both.

Your wife knows your bullshit.

If the end of a friendly work relationship left you "bereft" then you were not being honest with yourself.

Quite. This reminds me of one of DH's former PAs, not that he saw her out of work or had any interest in her beyond work, but she was clearly over-invested, buying gifts for our DC and trying to cry on DH's shoulder about non-work woes. Work relationships with the power imbalance of a boss and PA are best staying at work for good reason, and when boundaries are crossed, the boss can be held accountable for taking advantage of their authority. If feelings get so intense that you'd be bereft without them - which is where the OP seems to be heading, if he's not there already - it's a fair signal that they've crossed a line somewhere.

I don't know why, but some of the way you have worded your post suggests to me that you aren't willing to listen to anything your wife has put across about your relationship with this new friend. "Nor should I" ...well, you should, if there is something more to this and it is having an affect on your normally happy marriage. For example, men rarely see that they are having an emotional affair, so therefore do not think they are cheating. Are you on the phone to this friend while your wife sits around feeling neglected? how often do you spend quality time with your wife, really listen to her? It sounds to me like she feels like she is less important.

Speaking as a woman, I would be very unhappy with this, especially as you say you are working together too. Keep the friendship in the 'work' zone only. Friendships between a man and a woman can easily develop into something more. How would you feel if you wife had a similar male friend? Would you be happy with that? I am sure you are genuine in what you say, but I wouldn't be happy about that either. Put your wife first!