Sexless Relationship - Any Success Stories?

[WriteItDownHopefullyFeelBetter]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a long time reader of Mumsnet, especially on this issue, and have used lots of the advice posted to try and resolve my situation. The lack of improvement has led me to post today for the first time. What I'm hoping for is to find anyone who has been through what I'm going through and stayed with their wife / partner and it has indeed improved.

The important stats... I'm 42, my wife is also 42 and we have 4 children. The youngest is early in their secondary school journey (Year 8) and the other three are over 18. The eldest has left home and we live in a 3 bedroom house meaning that the bedrooms are quite close. We have sex roughly every 8 months. October '23, March '24, November '24 and last month (August '25). Each time it's instigated by me and very basic. We share the household chores equally but not deliberately. Gardening and Laundry have always been my thing and cleanliness of the home being hers. We both do our fair share of lifts for the kids and I'd say my wife does the lion's share of the activities. I work more hours and am the main earner, both by some distance. Her career was put back about 15-20 years due to children and I'm incredibly sympathetic to this.

Now, from reading about this for a long time, I understand that a lady goes through many changes with their body that basically kills their libido. I 100% accept that. I also gather that despite repeatedly telling my wife that she looks beautiful, she doesn't feel it and isn't very confident about her own body. I can tell her how amazing she looks a 100 times a day and yet there is nothing I can do to change this. I saw this given as advice on one forum and to be fair to myself, I have always made an effort to compliment my wife.

Another bit of advice that comes up on here regularly is to talk to my wife about this. This absolutely does not work and despite the lack of sex, i'm hit with "is that all you care about?" regardless of leaving it months before bringing it back up. The straw that broke the camels back this evening was a TV drama with a sex scene instigated by the woman. I said nothing. However my wife had a two-minute go at me as she perceived that I would be wondering why that doesn't happen to me and reminded me that this is a fictional TV prgramme - as if this never happens in real life. To be fair she was right, that was exactly what I was thinking!

I'm a big fan of my wife dressing up in the bedroom (lingerie, stockings, that sort of thing). She looks incredible. Again I have told her this. She hasn't worn anything 'nice' for sex for over a decade, saying that I should just love her as she is. This came from her just doing it when we were younger... I never demanded anything. As it'd been so long, I came on here for advice. People on here recommended that I should buy her something and tell her that she would look amazing in it. It's been sat gathering dust for 5 years. She actually bought an outfit for a hotel stay we had and showed me it before we went out. When we got back to the room she took it all off, again saying "you should just like me as I am" before we had sex with her just lying down.

I've completely given up on seeing her dress up for sex. She would murder me if I looked at porn so I don't even get my fix from that. It'd be like me banning her from her favourite brand of chocolate ever again. She reminds me that she's sacrificed a lot for our family, so I have to remind myself that I'm doing the same.

Moving away from sex, her day-to-day attire has completely changed. She's gone from dressing smart / casual to wearing pyjamas (throughout the day) and just lounge wear. I'm not expecting her to wear a dress and heels - I'm not 'that' guy - and I appreciate that most of the time, especially when chilling on an evening, a lady likes to be comfortable. However it's all the time now, pyjamas is pretty much the entire weekend. When we went out for drinks with friends last time, she criticised her friends for bothering to make an effort and making her look under-dressed.

The Mumsnet advice on the above paragraph was to ensure that I was doing the opposite. I like to think I'm an attractive man. I had gained a few pounds - which was noted! - and therefore I have been to the gym a lot over the past 18 months and am back to where I was losing a couple of stone to 13st (I'm 5ft 11 btw) so I think I'm looking the best I have for ages. I also have made a conscience effort to have a tan and maintain my hygiene to an impeccable standard. From the moment I wake, I dress smart. My thinking is that if we were to go shopping or visit family, I should be already wearing what I could go in. I have never brought this subject up as it would almost be an instant divorce!!

So... to get to the point, I feel completely trapped. I love my wife so much and I really want her back. The last time we had a sensible conversation about all of this, she said the size of the house was an issue and if we had a bigger place, there would be less chance of the kids hearing us. However there have been a few occasions where we have been without kids and it's always been "don't even think about it, I just want a night off". I'm reticent to look into a bigger place as I have seen plenty of women on here who openly admit they are waiting for the kids to move out before divorcing their husband. I absolutely don't want to fall victim to that, especially whilst funding a larger house, only for the kids to move out in a few years!!

What I'm hoping to find are any couples (men or women) who have been through what I'm going through and came out the other side with a relationship that's somewhere close to what it was at the beginning. I'm not expecting sex every day / week. Once a month would be a dream at this point.

I'm driving myself mad in not knowing whether I'm unreasonable for wanting anything more than I have (a lovely family, job and home) or whether I'm being a simp for accepting what I'm going through. The advice is so conflicting. Feel free to ask me anything that I may not have covered.

Thanks for reading

Try deadbedrooms on Reddit. It’s a sub for mismatched libidos.

Given that when you talk to her about it she replies with "is that all.you care about", what about having a conversation about improving.your marriage and connection but with sex off the table (and be clear that sex is off the table so there's no pressure). What does she feel is preventing you connecting at a deeper level, what would she like more/less off in the relationship etc. If she was up for it, I would try and commit to 3-6 months of no sex, with finding ways to build intimacy and companionship outside of that. If that improves your relationship and sex follows then you've solved the problem. If it builds intimacy and no.sex follows maybe you are at least in a position to have a more open conversation about it because you're more connected. If it goes nowhere at all then you need to figure what you want to do next, given that improving things feels more one-sided.

I really don't think you are putting enough effort into what problems you are bringing to this relationship. So far you are complaining online about your wife because she doesn't want to sleep with you... I don't even know your wife and I feel sorry for her, you don't respect her, what are you doing to improve the relationship or put forth any effort to show her you care? I also do not believe you don't watch porn one bit. You mentioned twice how her career was set back because of child care. Maybe just maybe she has good reason to not want to have sex with you

Thanks for taking the time to respond, Trallers. The marriage is actually in a very good place. We go out for a coffee a lot and do all the hobbies we like to do. We have one family holiday a year, and a holiday each alone with friends. There are no complaints from either side, and absolutely no complaints from her. She's very happy with the relationship.

The connection is a good point you raise though. That is obviously lacking somewhere. I'll have a go at raising this and see where it develops. This isn't something I've seen suggested before.

Also, to clarify the "is that all you care about" comment. The reason I mention this is because it was such a shocking statement. I deliberately don't mention it or bring it up. However, on the extremely rare occasion I do, I made to think that it's a regular complaint, rather than me just wanting to open a conversation.

She’s not going to change.

My libido nosedived at that age.

Please just give up and set her free. You don’t talk about her as a person. You describe her like some malfunctioning appliance. She knows this and that’s why she just lies down and prays for it to be over. No need for the sexy outfit. She’s just doing her duty now and then when she has to. You’ll never get the appliance to work right because you just don’t get it. She’s got the ick and I don’t blame her.

I'm sorry, MorriganNorns, but this is such a poor response. I could not respect my wife more and it has taken years to consider writing this down.

I have laid it down exactly as it is. I do not watch porn and I am sorry if from your own experience of males that this is hard to grasp.

I have devoted everything to my wife and children over the past two decades (plus). She has absolutely no complaints apart from critiquing herself, to which I put a lot of effort into making her feel better. She did say that I was on my phone a lot, which seems a common issue on here, so I made a point of putting it on charge in a different room as soon as I was home.

I watch all of the TV programmes she wants to watch with her and show interest into things that I have zero interest in. I even bought tickets to a meet and greet with her favourite actors and went with her so that she could share the experience. This may seem like a sarcastic 'oh wow' moment, but I can't imagine many men doing this.

I could maybe be better at DIY? I could have more pride in making our home look like a showhome. I've done pretty much everything I can that I've self assessed or sought advice on what I can do.

I'm not after advice per se... I'm seeing if anybody else went through this, how long it went on for, and what suddenly improved things?

It sounds like she feels a lot of pressure to want sex but really doesn’t actually want it and this is making her defensive and angry even when you’re tiptoeing around it. That could also be why she’s not trying to look nice… she doesn’t want you to try it on so is trying to put you off. It also sounds like she’s not very nice to you and doesn’t have much respect for you.

The bigger house is an excuse. She just doesn’t want sex. It’s perfectly reasonable that you do though. And very sad that this means you may need to go without or divorce

When it comes to the question of why - only she knows, and even she may not know if it’s hormonal. A decline in sex drive can occur during perimenopause and menopause and it can increase after she’s through menopause. But it also might not. HRT might helps. Or it might not.

Another man presenting himself as Mr Perfect. It’s like there is a script.

I don't really think either of you are doing anything wrong, you just have very mismatched libidos. I don't think it will change so the only option really would be to tell her how much it's upsetting you, you can't carry on like this for the rest of your life as it really matters to you, and does she see any way forward? Hopefully she'll tell you the real reason behind it all (if she knows), and if that can't be resolved you may have to split up for both your sakes.

@MorriganNorns why is it any different to the THOUSANDS upon thousands of posts women have written here absolutely decimating their male partners ?

Thanks for replying ArseInTheCoOpWindow (great name, did that happen?!!)

May I ask what happened next? Are you still with that partner and did either of you do anything to attempt to remedy it?

Typical response to a man posting on MN about lack of sex

Another anti men post on MN

Thanks for taking the time to reply, Screamingabdabz. I may not have articulated myself well on my original post but I certainly don't see my wife as broken or as an appliance. I'm sorry if I have. She has changed though and I can't really find the correct words to articulate this without prompting such passionate responses.

I'll try and give an example in the other direction without using sex... Every morning I wake up first and make my wife a coffee exactly how she likes it. If we don't have any I will go to the shop earlier and ensure it's there. My wife hasn't had to buy a sanitary / period product for years. I always ensure there is stock for her, and my daughter but that's purely as she steals my wife's supply. I also know the make up shades for my wife so that she can message / call to say "i'm short of blusher" and I will go to the shop and replenish.

Two things;

1. If I was to progressively stop all of the above (plus a lot more), would she not be within her reasoning to ask why I've stopped doing it?

2. Could the 'ick' that you speak of have something to do with me being too close? Not making myself out to be a superstar here, but I know that the majority of my mates do sod all for their respective wives / partners. Does treat them mean, keep them keen actually work?

Not anti men, just anti a certain type of men. It’s the same thing every time. The mask so often slips.

Definitely not Mr Perfect... I snore!!

Have you maybe considered that there are some good guys out here? My condolences if you haven't met one.

Out of interest, OklahomaSunsets, what type of man are you 'pro', if what I've written casts me as that 'certain type'?

The good ones who keep everything bottled up and say nothing? In a lot of cases they take their own lives. Not saying I would ever consider that, but viewpoints like yours do not help.

Hi Offleyhoo, thank you for taking the time to reply.

I agree we are clearly mismatched. As it has already changed, what makes you think it cannot change again? From many responses, I do understand this is unlikely.

I doubt we will split up unless there is a shift for the worst. Whilst I am incredibly frustrated with not being able to make love to my wife, I have no desire to be with anyone else - and as my wife isn't that bothered (well hopefully not) we will no doubt continue as we are.

It will be interesting to see what develops when the youngest is at the age where there is little to no parenting (late teens) and we have the house to ourselves the majority of the time. I'm happy to continue as it until then for sure.

Just looking for some light at the end of the tunnel from anyone who didn't give up on their relationship. Anyone out there...?!! Lol

Thank you for both of your responses, TheGreatWesternShrew.

I agree wholeheartedly with what you put, and divorce isn't anything i'd ever consdier. I'm hoping it's hormonal and it improves, even if it's after the menopause. Can I ask if this is from experience or research/knowledge? Really would like to read from someone, in their late 40's, or 50's and 60's who have actually lived this from either my side or my wife's.

Look for your needs outside of your partnership or think of parting, it would seem you are in a dead partner ship , move to separate assets savings money , bank accounts and look to move out for a better relationship elsewhere,

I'm not the person you're responding to.

But for me, the 'certain type' is a man who plops into a community of women he's previously had nothing to do with, wanting them to sort out his relationship problems for him. Reinforcing the words you already wrote which another poster noticed make you sound like you think women exist for your benefit.

Why wouldn't you talk to your friends? A professional? Literally the rest of the internet where men and women (mostly men) hang out? Why Mumsnet?

If it was to get 'women's perspective' - there isn't one. Because we're all people, we're all different, and we have absolutely no clue why your wife isn't interested in you because we haven't spoken to her.

Or it could be you camt believe the "man" as you are bitter and twisted by your own experiences that you cant take something at face value?

I really feel for you... i have without a doubt been through patches of dead bedroom as you describe here, although nowhere near the extent as you are describing...

For us a couple what really helped was open conversation with a real emphasis on being honest and non defensive.

How we came to that realisation was through a marriage therapist who also specialised in sex therapy.

You can as man truly only work on what you can control and you have to be met in the middle, unfortunately if your wife doesn't want to move forward and at the very least discuss it you have no hope ever moving forward.

Mismatched libidos can be create such a power imbalance whereby it feels like she holds all the power in that respect but it also creates resentment and lack of self worth for the man and ironically for the woman it can create pressure and in turn pushes her away more.

Clearly this is an important issue for you and I am a true believer in the sanctity of marriage through my own Christian beliefs I hope that you can both open your hearts to each other and engage in the communication and compromise needed to move forward.

Corinthians 7:3-5 / Husbands and wives should not withhold themselves from one another, but rather come together in unity so that neither feels deprived. If one partner refuses to even engage, the relationship cannot thrive. Marriage is a covenant, not a standoff, and it takes two people choosing each other daily for it to truly work.