WriteItDownHopefullyFeelBetter ·
14/09/2025 23:17
Hi Everyone,
I'm a long time reader of Mumsnet, especially on this issue, and have used lots of the advice posted to try and resolve my situation. The lack of improvement has led me to post today for the first time. What I'm hoping for is to find anyone who has been through what I'm going through and stayed with their wife / partner and it has indeed improved.
The important stats... I'm 42, my wife is also 42 and we have 4 children. The youngest is early in their secondary school journey (Year 8) and the other three are over 18. The eldest has left home and we live in a 3 bedroom house meaning that the bedrooms are quite close. We have sex roughly every 8 months. October '23, March '24, November '24 and last month (August '25). Each time it's instigated by me and very basic. We share the household chores equally but not deliberately. Gardening and Laundry have always been my thing and cleanliness of the home being hers. We both do our fair share of lifts for the kids and I'd say my wife does the lion's share of the activities. I work more hours and am the main earner, both by some distance. Her career was put back about 15-20 years due to children and I'm incredibly sympathetic to this.
Now, from reading about this for a long time, I understand that a lady goes through many changes with their body that basically kills their libido. I 100% accept that. I also gather that despite repeatedly telling my wife that she looks beautiful, she doesn't feel it and isn't very confident about her own body. I can tell her how amazing she looks a 100 times a day and yet there is nothing I can do to change this. I saw this given as advice on one forum and to be fair to myself, I have always made an effort to compliment my wife.
Another bit of advice that comes up on here regularly is to talk to my wife about this. This absolutely does not work and despite the lack of sex, i'm hit with "is that all you care about?" regardless of leaving it months before bringing it back up. The straw that broke the camels back this evening was a TV drama with a sex scene instigated by the woman. I said nothing. However my wife had a two-minute go at me as she perceived that I would be wondering why that doesn't happen to me and reminded me that this is a fictional TV prgramme - as if this never happens in real life. To be fair she was right, that was exactly what I was thinking!
I'm a big fan of my wife dressing up in the bedroom (lingerie, stockings, that sort of thing). She looks incredible. Again I have told her this. She hasn't worn anything 'nice' for sex for over a decade, saying that I should just love her as she is. This came from her just doing it when we were younger... I never demanded anything. As it'd been so long, I came on here for advice. People on here recommended that I should buy her something and tell her that she would look amazing in it. It's been sat gathering dust for 5 years. She actually bought an outfit for a hotel stay we had and showed me it before we went out. When we got back to the room she took it all off, again saying "you should just like me as I am" before we had sex with her just lying down.
I've completely given up on seeing her dress up for sex. She would murder me if I looked at porn so I don't even get my fix from that. It'd be like me banning her from her favourite brand of chocolate ever again. She reminds me that she's sacrificed a lot for our family, so I have to remind myself that I'm doing the same.
Moving away from sex, her day-to-day attire has completely changed. She's gone from dressing smart / casual to wearing pyjamas (throughout the day) and just lounge wear. I'm not expecting her to wear a dress and heels - I'm not 'that' guy - and I appreciate that most of the time, especially when chilling on an evening, a lady likes to be comfortable. However it's all the time now, pyjamas is pretty much the entire weekend. When we went out for drinks with friends last time, she criticised her friends for bothering to make an effort and making her look under-dressed.
The Mumsnet advice on the above paragraph was to ensure that I was doing the opposite. I like to think I'm an attractive man. I had gained a few pounds - which was noted! - and therefore I have been to the gym a lot over the past 18 months and am back to where I was losing a couple of stone to 13st (I'm 5ft 11 btw) so I think I'm looking the best I have for ages. I also have made a conscience effort to have a tan and maintain my hygiene to an impeccable standard. From the moment I wake, I dress smart. My thinking is that if we were to go shopping or visit family, I should be already wearing what I could go in. I have never brought this subject up as it would almost be an instant divorce!!
So... to get to the point, I feel completely trapped. I love my wife so much and I really want her back. The last time we had a sensible conversation about all of this, she said the size of the house was an issue and if we had a bigger place, there would be less chance of the kids hearing us. However there have been a few occasions where we have been without kids and it's always been "don't even think about it, I just want a night off". I'm reticent to look into a bigger place as I have seen plenty of women on here who openly admit they are waiting for the kids to move out before divorcing their husband. I absolutely don't want to fall victim to that, especially whilst funding a larger house, only for the kids to move out in a few years!!
What I'm hoping to find are any couples (men or women) who have been through what I'm going through and came out the other side with a relationship that's somewhere close to what it was at the beginning. I'm not expecting sex every day / week. Once a month would be a dream at this point.
I'm driving myself mad in not knowing whether I'm unreasonable for wanting anything more than I have (a lovely family, job and home) or whether I'm being a simp for accepting what I'm going through. The advice is so conflicting. Feel free to ask me anything that I may not have covered.
Thanks for reading