Sexless Relationship - Any Success Stories?

[WriteItDownHopefullyFeelBetter]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a long time reader of Mumsnet, especially on this issue, and have used lots of the advice posted to try and resolve my situation. The lack of improvement has led me to post today for the first time. What I'm hoping for is to find anyone who has been through what I'm going through and stayed with their wife / partner and it has indeed improved.

The important stats... I'm 42, my wife is also 42 and we have 4 children. The youngest is early in their secondary school journey (Year 8) and the other three are over 18. The eldest has left home and we live in a 3 bedroom house meaning that the bedrooms are quite close. We have sex roughly every 8 months. October '23, March '24, November '24 and last month (August '25). Each time it's instigated by me and very basic. We share the household chores equally but not deliberately. Gardening and Laundry have always been my thing and cleanliness of the home being hers. We both do our fair share of lifts for the kids and I'd say my wife does the lion's share of the activities. I work more hours and am the main earner, both by some distance. Her career was put back about 15-20 years due to children and I'm incredibly sympathetic to this.

Now, from reading about this for a long time, I understand that a lady goes through many changes with their body that basically kills their libido. I 100% accept that. I also gather that despite repeatedly telling my wife that she looks beautiful, she doesn't feel it and isn't very confident about her own body. I can tell her how amazing she looks a 100 times a day and yet there is nothing I can do to change this. I saw this given as advice on one forum and to be fair to myself, I have always made an effort to compliment my wife.

Another bit of advice that comes up on here regularly is to talk to my wife about this. This absolutely does not work and despite the lack of sex, i'm hit with "is that all you care about?" regardless of leaving it months before bringing it back up. The straw that broke the camels back this evening was a TV drama with a sex scene instigated by the woman. I said nothing. However my wife had a two-minute go at me as she perceived that I would be wondering why that doesn't happen to me and reminded me that this is a fictional TV prgramme - as if this never happens in real life. To be fair she was right, that was exactly what I was thinking!

I'm a big fan of my wife dressing up in the bedroom (lingerie, stockings, that sort of thing). She looks incredible. Again I have told her this. She hasn't worn anything 'nice' for sex for over a decade, saying that I should just love her as she is. This came from her just doing it when we were younger... I never demanded anything. As it'd been so long, I came on here for advice. People on here recommended that I should buy her something and tell her that she would look amazing in it. It's been sat gathering dust for 5 years. She actually bought an outfit for a hotel stay we had and showed me it before we went out. When we got back to the room she took it all off, again saying "you should just like me as I am" before we had sex with her just lying down.

I've completely given up on seeing her dress up for sex. She would murder me if I looked at porn so I don't even get my fix from that. It'd be like me banning her from her favourite brand of chocolate ever again. She reminds me that she's sacrificed a lot for our family, so I have to remind myself that I'm doing the same.

Moving away from sex, her day-to-day attire has completely changed. She's gone from dressing smart / casual to wearing pyjamas (throughout the day) and just lounge wear. I'm not expecting her to wear a dress and heels - I'm not 'that' guy - and I appreciate that most of the time, especially when chilling on an evening, a lady likes to be comfortable. However it's all the time now, pyjamas is pretty much the entire weekend. When we went out for drinks with friends last time, she criticised her friends for bothering to make an effort and making her look under-dressed.

The Mumsnet advice on the above paragraph was to ensure that I was doing the opposite. I like to think I'm an attractive man. I had gained a few pounds - which was noted! - and therefore I have been to the gym a lot over the past 18 months and am back to where I was losing a couple of stone to 13st (I'm 5ft 11 btw) so I think I'm looking the best I have for ages. I also have made a conscience effort to have a tan and maintain my hygiene to an impeccable standard. From the moment I wake, I dress smart. My thinking is that if we were to go shopping or visit family, I should be already wearing what I could go in. I have never brought this subject up as it would almost be an instant divorce!!

So... to get to the point, I feel completely trapped. I love my wife so much and I really want her back. The last time we had a sensible conversation about all of this, she said the size of the house was an issue and if we had a bigger place, there would be less chance of the kids hearing us. However there have been a few occasions where we have been without kids and it's always been "don't even think about it, I just want a night off". I'm reticent to look into a bigger place as I have seen plenty of women on here who openly admit they are waiting for the kids to move out before divorcing their husband. I absolutely don't want to fall victim to that, especially whilst funding a larger house, only for the kids to move out in a few years!!

What I'm hoping to find are any couples (men or women) who have been through what I'm going through and came out the other side with a relationship that's somewhere close to what it was at the beginning. I'm not expecting sex every day / week. Once a month would be a dream at this point.

I'm driving myself mad in not knowing whether I'm unreasonable for wanting anything more than I have (a lovely family, job and home) or whether I'm being a simp for accepting what I'm going through. The advice is so conflicting. Feel free to ask me anything that I may not have covered.

Thanks for reading

To be honest I would suggest putting the weight back on and stop tanning. You’re probably making her feel insecure and a bit crap, like you’re getting hot on purpose to look for attention because she won’t give you any. Order a big pizza and a bottle of wine, ditch the gym and get a bit chubby. She’ll probably find you more attractive in a weird way!

I would ignore that one - he's a misogynist and seems to enjoy poking the nasty wimmin on mumsnet as a hobby

I've been your wife in this situation. My Ex was a lovely man, very kind, hardworking, handsome and attentive. When I look back now, I realise that we did not have matching libidos. He was very prudish and I am fun, it got to the point where it was getting boring and i would try and mix things up, but he was just not that way. By the time he was willing to change, I had lost interest and that part of our relationship was dead.
I knew that there was no going back so we did finally divorce. I would have a very honest talk with your wife and ask her is she can see that side of your relationship returning. If she is honest with herself and you, and says it probably won't, I would think about splitting up as the resentment starts to creep in and you start to dislike each other.
Life is short, you need to be happy!

You've painted her to be someone you doesn't care and spends all day in pajamas but she wears make up ? Are you sure she's not just in lounge wear, it's perfectly acceptable and 'normal' to wear comfies at home and change into something a bit smarter when going out.

I get a distinct whiff of ‘nice guy’ from the OP’s posts. I could be wrong but it all reads very disingenuously to me.

From these woman's perspective its essentially if she wanted too she would...

It sounds a bit like your wife has low confidence and is somewhat depressed. Is she taking any medication? Does she exercise, I think a physical activity outside the home would help, something where you need to work as a team but is actually pretty tough. Climbing, cycling together, sculling etc. Could be way of drawing you together more.

Also has there been any breakdown in trust? this can have a huge impact, even if it was ages ago. I had a row with my DH over £200 that haunted me for about seven years and was a real stumbling block in our relationship. Unfortunately 'd say that this can be hard to come back from.

Otherwise little act of thoughtfulness go a long way. For example, unloading the dishwasher unasked, getting the whole family to surprise her by giving the house a super clean etc, making her a coffee, picking up your socks etc.

You’re a brave man coming on here , don’t you know what they’re like !!!! no matter how carefully you word things 😂 😂..

It's really hard when libido dont match and the pressure can feel so overwhelming even when unintentional.

Mine is low, always has been and now 45 with 3 teenagers and health issues along side perimenopause means its gone. DH really tries to be understanding but as time goes on I can almost sense an unintentional hostility from him when I get my PJs on and open my book when we go to bed.

We cuddle, we are very affectionate in both words and actions but each time the gap between sex sessions gets longer I get more stressed. We are each other's best friends, and genuinely adore each other and love spending time together but sex is the elephant.

I "put out" every couple of months, even though it causes me pain, as I know its important to DH. Sometimes I do enjoy it, often I just do it because.

I almost wish DH would say he is taking sex off the table, and that he's happy with it. Chances are, then there is likely to be times I'll do it because I want to rather than feeling like its an obligation. Just knowing there is zero pressure would feel like such freedom.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel This is really sad to read. Please don’t do it just to please your DH, especially if it causes you pain. This is not enthusiastic consent.

LTB you are doing your share / keeping your end of the bargain and she isn't. She also won't change, as she has got away with it for so long.

You shouldn't have to live without sex and scared to look at dirty pictures.

For the ladies spitting at the screen now, really think about it, if it was a woman moaning about not getting any, you would have pitchforks and Viagra in hand.

It’s hard to tell from your messages what the cause or solution to this might be because we don’t really have much of your wife’s perspective to go on, so I’ll suggest a couple of thoughts and hopefully one of them will resonate.

1. Your wife could be experiencing low libido because of something unrelated to you or your marriage. You’ve mentioned she feels less confident in her looks. You also mentioned that she spends all day in pyjamas (I’m assuming you mean pyjamas and not fashionable lounge wear). This suggests she may be experiencing depression or low mood/esteem. Some women may habitually wear pyjamas all day but this seems pretty out of the ordinary and it sounds like a change for your wife that she doesn’t feel it’s even worth getting dressed most days. That sounds like depression to me.
2. She could no longer be attracted to you. It’s hard to speculate why - you’d have to try to ask her honestly. It’s often hard to get an honest answer because there’s a lot of shame and guilt attached to no longer fancying your husband, especially if things are good in all other aspects. If you bring this up, try to discuss this in an open and non-judgmental way, where she feels she won’t be punished or at risk for saying so. There are ways to negotiate or improve this but ideally you’d seek professional help for this rather than an internet forum.
3. She may never have had a hugely high sex drive. Some women don’t, but can sometimes perform it in the early stages of a relationship because they feel they ought to, or feel social pressure to do so, or because they feel the desire for children. This would be a case of mismatched libidos and you’d need to work out how to navigate this much as in point 2.

Personally, and not on an especially positive note, my experience with no longer being attracted to my partner was as a result of his behaviour. He was deeply abusive, jealous and controlling, but he would have described himself just as positively as you have described yourself. He also did lots of small, and in theory, thoughtful things for me. However, he also did loads of horrible stuff too, and would subsequently use these nice things as a means of inducing guilt and a feeling of indebtedness. Needless to say the relationship didn’t last.

It’s impossible to tell from your post if you behave in this way, and I really hope that’s not the case, but maybe its worth having a look at how you behave and try to identify the places where you behave badly. If there are more of them than you expected then maybe you’ve found your problem.

Regardless of the cause, the only person who can tell you what the problem is and how to improve it is your wife. The best thing you can do is ask her to discuss with you any problems she has with your marriage openly and honestly, and give them your full consideration.

I think it’s the OP who doesn’t want to leave. I doubt anyone else who has posted cares either way

I was referring to the few that will go mental when reading my post....

@YesImaman1100 Why would anyone go mental reading your post? It’s optimistic to expect your post will have an impact on anyone.

No stay in shape !

No one has asked and you haven't mentioned if she even enjoys sex.
Is she guaranteed an orgasm with you ?
If not, then why would she bother on top of all the other things she has to do in a day.

She has had 4 pregnancies, births and babies, so her body has been through A LOT.
Did she experience any birth trauma ?

The biggest thing my DH did which has maintained our sex life years later, is equal nights when we had babies, so we both got some sleep. I never felt alone.
He also waited for me to initiate sex after birth each time, no pressure, even when it took months. He encouraged me to keep my career going and we've both made time to let the other do exercise/ sport and relax.

Speaking for myself, I need a clear head to enjoy sex, not a running list of everything that needs doing and not late at night when I'm tired after a long day. It's not a coincidence that we do it more on holiday.

Maybe you need to restart from the beginning. When you met her, it's unlikely you expected her to just jump into bed with you. Neither of you knew if it would happen, you had to go out, find out about each other, enjoy each others company first and laugh together. How did you get together ? Maybe that will give you ideas of how to get the spark back.

Completely agree with all of this

Sorry if I’ve missed it—but do you have much intimacy outside of sex?

Not a success story but some solidarity that it's the same story in my marriage. You sound like you are trying harder than me though. I'm resigned to planning divorce once kids are out of education.

I probably will find dating difficult as I'm conscious that I as a middle aged men am not that desirable but at least it would be within my own control rather than being trapped in a marriage with no intimacy.

This makes more sense than the version you posted earlier. I was left scratching my head!

You know your wife best. For gods sake trust yourself, don’t run experiments just to make a point here. Internet strangers can be so off the mark. Take on board ideas that you can see being truly helpful, toss the rest.

There are a few things that make feel sympathetic towards your wife. The dressing up thing being one fairly big one. It just feels so sad that you are more attracted to your wife in lingerie than her bare skin. Kind of humiliating really. Maybe my husband feels the same, but that idea breaks my heart a bit. If I knew that about him then I might feel inhibited too. Not being good enough as I am.
Also, unless you plan on hiding money, all money is a joint asset. So, unless you are planning on not disclosing assets, if you divorce, she will still be entitled to half of everything, whether you get a new place or not. So you aren't protecting yourself by not considering moving.

Imagine if the sexes were the other way around.

If a woman was on here writing that she’d had sex four times in two years, that every single time was instigated by her, that her husband lay there passively and refused to make an effort… the replies would be unanimous: he’s checked out, he doesn’t value you, he’s showing you who he is, you deserve better.

If she said she’d made an effort with her looks, worked hard to stay attractive, kept the house going, raised the kids, worked long hours to provide, and on top of that still got told “is that all you care about?” whenever she tried to have an adult conversation about intimacy — people would tell her she was living like a flatmate with a dependent, not a partner.

If her husband had gone from making an effort with his appearance to spending weekends in pyjamas, refused to engage in anything that made her feel desired, shot down her attempts to improve things, and then guilt-tripped her with “you should just love me as I am”… he’d be crucified on here. And rightly so.

If the roles were reversed, everyone would be urging her to have hard boundaries, stop accepting crumbs, and question whether this marriage is giving her enough. It’s worth you asking yourself the same.

I've imagined it. And i don't think you are correct.