Sexless Relationship - Any Success Stories?

[WriteItDownHopefullyFeelBetter]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a long time reader of Mumsnet, especially on this issue, and have used lots of the advice posted to try and resolve my situation. The lack of improvement has led me to post today for the first time. What I'm hoping for is to find anyone who has been through what I'm going through and stayed with their wife / partner and it has indeed improved.

The important stats... I'm 42, my wife is also 42 and we have 4 children. The youngest is early in their secondary school journey (Year 8) and the other three are over 18. The eldest has left home and we live in a 3 bedroom house meaning that the bedrooms are quite close. We have sex roughly every 8 months. October '23, March '24, November '24 and last month (August '25). Each time it's instigated by me and very basic. We share the household chores equally but not deliberately. Gardening and Laundry have always been my thing and cleanliness of the home being hers. We both do our fair share of lifts for the kids and I'd say my wife does the lion's share of the activities. I work more hours and am the main earner, both by some distance. Her career was put back about 15-20 years due to children and I'm incredibly sympathetic to this.

Now, from reading about this for a long time, I understand that a lady goes through many changes with their body that basically kills their libido. I 100% accept that. I also gather that despite repeatedly telling my wife that she looks beautiful, she doesn't feel it and isn't very confident about her own body. I can tell her how amazing she looks a 100 times a day and yet there is nothing I can do to change this. I saw this given as advice on one forum and to be fair to myself, I have always made an effort to compliment my wife.

Another bit of advice that comes up on here regularly is to talk to my wife about this. This absolutely does not work and despite the lack of sex, i'm hit with "is that all you care about?" regardless of leaving it months before bringing it back up. The straw that broke the camels back this evening was a TV drama with a sex scene instigated by the woman. I said nothing. However my wife had a two-minute go at me as she perceived that I would be wondering why that doesn't happen to me and reminded me that this is a fictional TV prgramme - as if this never happens in real life. To be fair she was right, that was exactly what I was thinking!

I'm a big fan of my wife dressing up in the bedroom (lingerie, stockings, that sort of thing). She looks incredible. Again I have told her this. She hasn't worn anything 'nice' for sex for over a decade, saying that I should just love her as she is. This came from her just doing it when we were younger... I never demanded anything. As it'd been so long, I came on here for advice. People on here recommended that I should buy her something and tell her that she would look amazing in it. It's been sat gathering dust for 5 years. She actually bought an outfit for a hotel stay we had and showed me it before we went out. When we got back to the room she took it all off, again saying "you should just like me as I am" before we had sex with her just lying down.

I've completely given up on seeing her dress up for sex. She would murder me if I looked at porn so I don't even get my fix from that. It'd be like me banning her from her favourite brand of chocolate ever again. She reminds me that she's sacrificed a lot for our family, so I have to remind myself that I'm doing the same.

Moving away from sex, her day-to-day attire has completely changed. She's gone from dressing smart / casual to wearing pyjamas (throughout the day) and just lounge wear. I'm not expecting her to wear a dress and heels - I'm not 'that' guy - and I appreciate that most of the time, especially when chilling on an evening, a lady likes to be comfortable. However it's all the time now, pyjamas is pretty much the entire weekend. When we went out for drinks with friends last time, she criticised her friends for bothering to make an effort and making her look under-dressed.

The Mumsnet advice on the above paragraph was to ensure that I was doing the opposite. I like to think I'm an attractive man. I had gained a few pounds - which was noted! - and therefore I have been to the gym a lot over the past 18 months and am back to where I was losing a couple of stone to 13st (I'm 5ft 11 btw) so I think I'm looking the best I have for ages. I also have made a conscience effort to have a tan and maintain my hygiene to an impeccable standard. From the moment I wake, I dress smart. My thinking is that if we were to go shopping or visit family, I should be already wearing what I could go in. I have never brought this subject up as it would almost be an instant divorce!!

So... to get to the point, I feel completely trapped. I love my wife so much and I really want her back. The last time we had a sensible conversation about all of this, she said the size of the house was an issue and if we had a bigger place, there would be less chance of the kids hearing us. However there have been a few occasions where we have been without kids and it's always been "don't even think about it, I just want a night off". I'm reticent to look into a bigger place as I have seen plenty of women on here who openly admit they are waiting for the kids to move out before divorcing their husband. I absolutely don't want to fall victim to that, especially whilst funding a larger house, only for the kids to move out in a few years!!

What I'm hoping to find are any couples (men or women) who have been through what I'm going through and came out the other side with a relationship that's somewhere close to what it was at the beginning. I'm not expecting sex every day / week. Once a month would be a dream at this point.

I'm driving myself mad in not knowing whether I'm unreasonable for wanting anything more than I have (a lovely family, job and home) or whether I'm being a simp for accepting what I'm going through. The advice is so conflicting. Feel free to ask me anything that I may not have covered.

Thanks for reading

Sex is not a transaction
You list all your good points ,in complete disbelief that they don't get you sex.
4 kids,a house ,a husband,all the responsibilities of cleaning,cooking , washing,..day after day after fucking day .
All on her shoulders..all that responsibility,grunt work ,wife work , correspondence with school , Doctors,,all the admin , Christmas presents, birthday parties,new shoes ,new school uniform.packed lunches ,play dates , elderly parents elderly in-laws .. planning booking packing for a holiday ,where your expected to enjoy yourself,but as mum it's your responsibility to make sure everyone has everything they need and are fed and happy .
Don't you get it ????
There's no off switch being a mum to 4 kids , having a house with kids pets and a husband, massively increases the housework and tidying and cleaning and cooking..a huge world away from being young and carefree and no responsibility and being free to enjoy sex .
Then you come along with your " reasonable" arguments,my wife won't have a sex with me ....poor lamb ...
How much has your life changed since you got married op
Did your body change beyond all recognition after birthing 4 babies ,did your breasts change after feeding them ...no but hers did ...did you have to give up your full time job to have maternity leave 4 times , therefore effecting your pension and finances..no ,but your wife did .
Were you stuck at home alone ,for months at a time with 4 screaming babies ,while you carry on your life as normal ,and your wife gets pulled down in to more and more domestic chains tying her to the sink .
Your wife wants you to leave her alone
She's not dressing nicely because she knows it just encourages you to not leave her alone .
If she looks shit ,she hopes .
you leave her alone
Your comment about the house and not buying a bigger one incase she divorced you ,tells me everything I need to know about you op.
You have no right to her body ..and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself accepting sex YOU KNOW ,she is doing when she Doesn't want to .

Lots of man-hating posts on here!

I don't think you've done anything wrong, and I don't think there's much more you could do. It's possible that you're a desirable man but her libido is just gone. I will make a suggestions based on my own experiences but these are things that are also in your wife's control, not just yours:

1. If wife is perimenopausal and/or depressed, she seeks treatment (if she chooses to).
2. Couples counselling.
3. Take her to dancing classes.

Agreed sec is not a transaction but marriages are complex and women’s needs and men’s needs are often different within a marriage as are their expectations. Women often complain men don’t do enough. Men often complain women do not do enough ( but less vocally 😂).

The highest divorce rates by a wide margin are with lesbian couples followed by heterosexual couples. The lowest divorce rates are amongst gay married couples.

This also says a lot

• also things like contraception can make women feel like shit at her age. I was itchy/sore/bloated and irritable on mirena coil and lost 1.5stone in water weight as soon as it came out and my libido returned within 1 menstrual cycle.

The reason he’s listed all his good points is because every single time a man comes on here asking why his wife isn’t interested in sex, they get told she’s probably exhausted and he needs to make sure he’s pulling his weight around the house!

I'm sorry but I would hate someone to do that. Making a coffee is nice but the sanitary products and knowing the makeup shades... where's the privacy. I once had a boyfriend like that and I felt smothered and quite murderous.

Same here.

You have 4 children, what have you used for contraception since the youngest was born? Did you book yourself in for a snip or have you relied on her to sort out contraception? If you didn't offer a few years ago it may be that she has felt resentful for a long time.

At 42 I wouldn't want to faff about with hormonal contraception either and I wouldn't rush to have mediocre condom sex. How can you expect her to dress up and put out if you haven't taken this step to show you love and respect her?

I think a question might be is your wife angry? Is she just pig sick of something? People don't always say and it may be complex. More just a quiet permanent resentment, it may have become a habit.

What do you mean about making sure you're tanned?

I’m not sure why you’ve dismissed her issue with the 3 bed house so quickly (especially as it sounds like you could afford to buy a bigger home, you just have one eye on divorce). For me, living for the past 15 years or whatever with 4 kids in a 3 bed house would have pretty much shut down any thoughts of intimacy with my husband. Obviously it won’t affect all women the same but 💯 would affect me.

The contraception may also be linked to the house issue. She doesn't want to risk making the house more crowded than it already is. Loads of women end up with a surprise baby just before menopause hits.

You: can we talk about why you rarely want sex anymore
Her: the house feels so crowded and it’s difficult to relax
You: hmm moving will be expensive and we might end up divorcing anyway!
You: I’m wearing fake tan…
You: I know I’ll ask other women in case this will get better on its own or they have easier solutions. That will work

Sexless marriages are very common especially in modern times. There are various reasons for this including the very changing dynamics and roles for both men and women in society - be they gender roles, societal roles or even personalities. In addition to this these often increase stress levels.

This often can reduce sex drive towards your partner in men and women.

Sometimes it’s both to blame sometimes it’s the man to blame sometimes the Roman is to blame sometimes nobody is to blame.

as gender lines become blurred and women are not as feminin as they once were ever and men are not as masculine as they once were this can often affect heterosexual sexual relationships as both crave mas minty of frnininity on their partner.

Could you ask her for an open marriage? I don’t think your at fault here.

Open marriages are more and more common today.

sex isn’t the most important thing in a marriage. I think an open marriage would be an option

Definitely an option of course. But he should be prepared that his wife may end up having a lot of options and a lot of sex and him maybe none!

I agree. Reads like AI.

YANBU. She’s making excuses. There may be some reason behind it. I knew a case where husband and wife were not together for 10years, she eventually disclosed historical abuse. I’m not saying this is the case for your wife, just that there can be reasons for lack of interest. Sorry to hear this struggle.

What are you talking about? Gender lines becoming blurred? Women are no longer forced into traditional roles imposed by society. That is a good thing. That really has no bearing on whether OP’s wife wants to have sex with him or not.

At least you agree trying to fix things I guess. We haven't had sex for six years, and when I asked my partner why he said you know why. I asked a couple of years later and he said, nothings changed same as before. I have no clue why. To be honest it doesn't bother me anymore but it would be nice occasionally.

The gender mined becoming blurred mean men are now .often ‘monte feminin’ and women ‘more masculine’

this absolutely does affect sex between couples

Yeah, that is an issue for me a lot of the time. I live with my two boys and when my partner is here, I just feel so inhibited as they always need to be going out or going to the toilet when me and partner want to have sex. My bedroom is by the front door. I find it very off putting being able to hear my children in the house.

Consequently, my partner frequently takes me away for the weekend so we can be close.

You were always going to get a hard time from some on here op, and I’m sorry about that as you sound genuine with your concerns.
if she won’t change you have two choices, stay or go. If you want to stay, I would absolutely try couples counselling. I do think you need a serious talk about your relationship, big picture, without necessarily talking about sex until later down the line. If she won’t try counselling (and why not, if it’s for the good of the marriage), then go yourself. I always feel sad for people in sexless/very limited sex relationships, be they men or women - it’s such a lovely but also very important bonding part of life together (imo). I hope you can get some help to improve things, for both of you,

I’m not saying blurred gender lines is the only reason that there are more sexless marriages than ever as there are many other creams for it- but in general most heterosexual women prefer manly men in a sexual sense and equally most heterosexual men prefer feminin women in a sexual sense.

This is true and gender lines being blurred is a positive thing in my opinion but also does affect sexual interaction too.

but I agree it’s not the only reason just a contributing factor to the increasing trend of sexless relationships

I also find it really weird that the OP is buying sanitary protection and knows all her make up products. That is so odd beyond the odd request to pick some up in an emergency. It sounds so close and suffocating like she has absolutely no privacy.

Why no snip?!

The talk of lingerie and stockings is super ick-inducing also. She probably knows that even if she did have sex, it wouldn't be good enough if she didn't put on the whole production.

You had sex with her while she 'just lay there'. That is awful. Why didn't you stop if it was clear she wasn't an enthusiastic participant?

Go join your brethren at dead bedrooms on Reddit.