Sexless Relationship - Any Success Stories?

[WriteItDownHopefullyFeelBetter]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a long time reader of Mumsnet, especially on this issue, and have used lots of the advice posted to try and resolve my situation. The lack of improvement has led me to post today for the first time. What I'm hoping for is to find anyone who has been through what I'm going through and stayed with their wife / partner and it has indeed improved.

The important stats... I'm 42, my wife is also 42 and we have 4 children. The youngest is early in their secondary school journey (Year 8) and the other three are over 18. The eldest has left home and we live in a 3 bedroom house meaning that the bedrooms are quite close. We have sex roughly every 8 months. October '23, March '24, November '24 and last month (August '25). Each time it's instigated by me and very basic. We share the household chores equally but not deliberately. Gardening and Laundry have always been my thing and cleanliness of the home being hers. We both do our fair share of lifts for the kids and I'd say my wife does the lion's share of the activities. I work more hours and am the main earner, both by some distance. Her career was put back about 15-20 years due to children and I'm incredibly sympathetic to this.

Now, from reading about this for a long time, I understand that a lady goes through many changes with their body that basically kills their libido. I 100% accept that. I also gather that despite repeatedly telling my wife that she looks beautiful, she doesn't feel it and isn't very confident about her own body. I can tell her how amazing she looks a 100 times a day and yet there is nothing I can do to change this. I saw this given as advice on one forum and to be fair to myself, I have always made an effort to compliment my wife.

Another bit of advice that comes up on here regularly is to talk to my wife about this. This absolutely does not work and despite the lack of sex, i'm hit with "is that all you care about?" regardless of leaving it months before bringing it back up. The straw that broke the camels back this evening was a TV drama with a sex scene instigated by the woman. I said nothing. However my wife had a two-minute go at me as she perceived that I would be wondering why that doesn't happen to me and reminded me that this is a fictional TV prgramme - as if this never happens in real life. To be fair she was right, that was exactly what I was thinking!

I'm a big fan of my wife dressing up in the bedroom (lingerie, stockings, that sort of thing). She looks incredible. Again I have told her this. She hasn't worn anything 'nice' for sex for over a decade, saying that I should just love her as she is. This came from her just doing it when we were younger... I never demanded anything. As it'd been so long, I came on here for advice. People on here recommended that I should buy her something and tell her that she would look amazing in it. It's been sat gathering dust for 5 years. She actually bought an outfit for a hotel stay we had and showed me it before we went out. When we got back to the room she took it all off, again saying "you should just like me as I am" before we had sex with her just lying down.

I've completely given up on seeing her dress up for sex. She would murder me if I looked at porn so I don't even get my fix from that. It'd be like me banning her from her favourite brand of chocolate ever again. She reminds me that she's sacrificed a lot for our family, so I have to remind myself that I'm doing the same.

Moving away from sex, her day-to-day attire has completely changed. She's gone from dressing smart / casual to wearing pyjamas (throughout the day) and just lounge wear. I'm not expecting her to wear a dress and heels - I'm not 'that' guy - and I appreciate that most of the time, especially when chilling on an evening, a lady likes to be comfortable. However it's all the time now, pyjamas is pretty much the entire weekend. When we went out for drinks with friends last time, she criticised her friends for bothering to make an effort and making her look under-dressed.

The Mumsnet advice on the above paragraph was to ensure that I was doing the opposite. I like to think I'm an attractive man. I had gained a few pounds - which was noted! - and therefore I have been to the gym a lot over the past 18 months and am back to where I was losing a couple of stone to 13st (I'm 5ft 11 btw) so I think I'm looking the best I have for ages. I also have made a conscience effort to have a tan and maintain my hygiene to an impeccable standard. From the moment I wake, I dress smart. My thinking is that if we were to go shopping or visit family, I should be already wearing what I could go in. I have never brought this subject up as it would almost be an instant divorce!!

So... to get to the point, I feel completely trapped. I love my wife so much and I really want her back. The last time we had a sensible conversation about all of this, she said the size of the house was an issue and if we had a bigger place, there would be less chance of the kids hearing us. However there have been a few occasions where we have been without kids and it's always been "don't even think about it, I just want a night off". I'm reticent to look into a bigger place as I have seen plenty of women on here who openly admit they are waiting for the kids to move out before divorcing their husband. I absolutely don't want to fall victim to that, especially whilst funding a larger house, only for the kids to move out in a few years!!

What I'm hoping to find are any couples (men or women) who have been through what I'm going through and came out the other side with a relationship that's somewhere close to what it was at the beginning. I'm not expecting sex every day / week. Once a month would be a dream at this point.

I'm driving myself mad in not knowing whether I'm unreasonable for wanting anything more than I have (a lovely family, job and home) or whether I'm being a simp for accepting what I'm going through. The advice is so conflicting. Feel free to ask me anything that I may not have covered.

Thanks for reading

The problem is that both men and women need certain things to be in the mood. Why is that ‘ick’?

Both men and women have to make the effort. I’m sure you have certain things that turn you on and out you in the mood that irritate him.

men and women are different

Yep

It's a thing, lots of women recover their libido when someone new is on offer.

There are two fibs we are told. One is that women don't like sex and that women endure it to establish relationships. The other is that women only want sex in established trusting relationships.

There seems to be a belief that women don't like novelty, basically don't like sex, tolerate it in order to hook a life partner and if they do want it it's because their husband is simply fantastic.

We hear a lot about 'trust'

Trust is important but I would argue that we look at this issue inversely. It's not that all women (we) need trust in order to want sex. Afterall in new relationships where there is no way of knowing if you can trust the other you are interested in lots of sex. Trust is given on the basis of hope. It is felt because despite the unknown we have hope.

Years into a relationship most people have lost 'hope' and expectation of the unknown because what was unknown is now fully evident. Lots of small micro grievances, little comments, seemingly small differences, knowing the other has faults, seeing someone as they truly are through to major arguments, disappointments, decisions that negatively impact us, differences in power and proof of the other not being as 'trustworthy' as we hoped....and boom no libido.

I am a women and I have this sneaking feeling that men are generally more forgiving and apt to gloss over these things. I know I can't and resentment kills trust. And without blind faith to restore it I have zero interest in being emotionally or physically available to my husband. Besides which I like novelty. I'm attracted to possibilities unknown and would recover my libido in a heartbeat if someone new appeared.

If I were my husband or if I were you, I'd give up and go.

I agree. I think husbands are generally more tolerant than wives.

Divorce rate stats support this.

lesbian married couples divorce the most, next is heterosexual marriages lowest is gay marriage.

That is pretty conclusive

Have a ready of this book. Emily Nagasaki - Come as You Are. No such thing as a sex drive basically, it’s how people feel at certain points in their life and the connection they have. It can change. Your wife keeps talking about the house, it might not be the size. For many people having sex after cooking, doing the dishes, cleaning toilets , doing the washing just isn’t that sexy! You need to reconnect and figure out her brakes and accelerators.

Edited to add, for you an accelerator is for her to dress up but she’s told you lots of times this is a brake for her. Listen to her and stop harking back to your 20s. People change.

I agree . I also suspect there's a lot of pressure on her to dress up and perform.

Why is it ‘man hating’?

Women don’t owe men sex.

What would happen if you put on lounge wear and cuddled up to her on the sofa whilst watching a romcom/something humorous with a bottle of wine and snacks? Thats intimacy?

I get fed when a cuddle is all I want, maybe she might react to that well? I hate the expectation of sex, it’s a passion killer, so throw in some intimacy without expectation?

get a hot tub? Do a spa day, go out to comedy? Cook together

It's looking like divorce, you say you love her but does she love you?

Why are you putting up with him being like that? Not the no sex, the abuse in not telling you why.

I completely agree. I am physically recoiling even from just the descriptions. So insipid and cloying.

How on earth did buying sanitary products start?

Yes, it's weird and intrusive. Does she keep tabs on your anus cream?

This ‘women don’t like sex’ idea is not around any more! Read all the posts from women on here wanting more sex

Go over to Reddit / deadbedrooms you will see people who are in the exact same position as you both men and women

but honestly you have mismatched libidos and that won’t change menopause or not

no amount of house work and fake tan is gonna make your wife have sex- it’s no longer important to her right now

your wife isn’t interested in sex ( possibly sex with you )

you are
The End
that’s it basically

you can’t change her only change how you feel and deal with it

myself I would work on leaving and tell her why- she will be probably be furious and maybe promise you that things will change but honestly it really won’t you will end up resenting each other

My husband was married before and was in a sexless relationship
he hit 28 and decided he wasn’t going into his 30s in a sexless relationship with no sex or affection
he told his wife that and he left not long after - the damage was already done

he met me 2 years later and he was very open and honest why he left his wife and that sex was very important to him

We have been married 25 years and I’m 52 and we still have sex 2-3 times a week and do other stuff as well - why because I love and fancy my husband I want him to be happy and he wants me happy and sex is a way of connecting and being happy for both of us

yeah sometimes I can’t be bothered and would rather have a cup of tea but I know that sex it’s important in a relationship otherwise your just friends who have kids and a house and share that

At 42 we were pretty much having sex most days

Ask yourself
do you want to go into your 50s in a sexless marriage
your young don’t waste the rest of your life on someone who isn’t that bothered about you

i would tell your wife your not happy and the reasons why
I guarantee she will say - is that all you think about - sex
and you have to answer her truthfully and say. yeah it is to be honest and tell her that your considering your options one of which is divorce

So much to reply to here and I can't believe the response. Thank you to everybody who has replied. I really appreciate everyone who has taken time to advise. I don't have time to reply to all this morning.

I'll start by dealing with this one first, as I can see a few people have misinterpreted this bit. I see where you're coming from but I promise it's not like that.

For years, my wife asked me to buy stuff like make-up, clothes ("whilst you're out can you pop to H&M and buy me a black t-shirt" for example). Therefore over time, if you're someone like me I guess, you'll retain this information. Therefore if she says to me "I'm running low on foundation", I take that as a hint to pop out and buy some whilst I'm out and about. I can't help remembering her make-up shades.

I'm not buying anything provocative or suggestive like alcohol, underwear etc. Just trying to be helpful. We live out in the sticks and therefore it's not easy to get the motivation to just pop and get something.

So the advice here is that I should stop all of that and just make her get her own stuff? I'm open to trying that.

I highly recommend couples counselling. £60 a session ish surely is worth paying (see it as an investment in your life / future) to start healing your connection and improving intimacy. My husband and I have been through ups and downs and the key thing for maintaining a good physical relationship is starting with intimacy. Having a regular intimacy practice has been a game changer. Intimacy doesn’t automatically mean sex but it fosters more space for it. Highly recommend Lacey & Flynn Have Sex podcast / books the but it does sound a little like you’re approaching sex as a performance and less from an expression of intimacy and vulnerability place… good luck 🤞

Also did a few of this woman’s brilliant courses https://tarao.com.au/courses/the-libido-reboot/

made a big difference

I think unless she says please pick up xyz don't do it. I know you're trying to be helpful but it's a boundary line.

Thank you Liondoesntsleepatnight, this is really good advice.

We're probably at our happiest when we do this. When we watch a movie or binge watch a series, we are often at our happiest and I do join her in lounge wear most evenings and we cuddle... phones and devices away etc. It's so hard to find the right movie... sometimes we spend two hours trying to find something then give up!! That in itself brings us closer and something we laugh about.

The spa day and comedy club are great ideas. We've both said that we need to go out more. I have mainly left it to her to decide and it never seems to get booked due to finances / work / tiredness. I think writing this out shows that the onus would be on me to book this so I'll make a concerted effort and see how that goes. She loves the ballet and anything dance related so i'll have a mooch. Naturally i'll arrange something near-ish that won't require a hotel stay as I don't want to make her feel I'm doing it for that reason. Given the advice from others, I need to build the connection and with me going without sex for so long, a few more months without it to build something (without expectation that it'll work) is something I'm prepared to do.

I think the response is slightly odd in relation to the sanitary products, if my husband needed the same things month in and month out I’d add them to my regular shopping schedule (since I work par time and do the shopping). Seems quite helpful tbh.

I dunno though, the make up thing seems different to me - maybe just because I don’t wear much make up at all. But you buying make up, together with the whole “dressing up” thing and your own thing about the tan just makes me feel like you put a lot of emphasis on presenting a certain way and maybe your wife finds it a lot of pressure or has simply got to a stage in her life where she thinks it’s boring and is more interested in other things. Plus she might be getting the message that you only find her attractive if she’s made up and wearing fancy undies (yuk) in which case no wonder she’s not keen?

I'm actually intrigued to seeing how this plays out. I will absolutely stop doing this.

I genuinely expect that this won't be the advice you think it is, as I truly believe that she likes that I do this. I don't think I'm blinkered here.

I'll report back and let you know how it goes, either way.

Hi Mumofmarauders, thank you so much for replying. I'll clear up a couple of these items that I feel I need to elaborate on, given the varying responses.

Sanitary Product Buying - You've hit the nail on the head here. I just do it like clockwork to be helpful. Bit like buying a bottle of milk then realising that there's one already in the fridge. It's no different to toilet roll for me as it's just something that's needed... however I am still going to take the advice and hope it doesn't backfire.

Make-Up - She has always worn it before we met, even when she walked the kids to school and I wasn't around (ie it's not done for me). She's that sort of person. This is genuinely nothing to do with me and is in no way part of my attraction to her. She is 42, slim, blonde and just classically beautiful. She has hinted at cosmetic stuff before and I've said it's her body so it's up to her but I genuinely do not see the point. She looks about 28. Like I said in an earlier post, she will be at her dressing table and say "I'm running low on foundation". Why would she tell me that if it isn't a hint? Our conversations haven't got that mundane. Just the other day she was showing me the advent calendar she would love and it was make up behind every door. It's her thing and there's absolutely nothing I can do (or would want to do) to change that.

Dressing Up - Perhaps I shouldn't have added this bit in there. I clearly stated that I've given up on this and haven't mentioned it at all in years. That was something that ate me up a bit when I was younger but now I know the problems are deeper than that. We had a conversation a while back on this and she knows I don't expect it. As a treat, she went out of her way without any pressure to buy the outfit for the hotel and then backed out on it as she didn't feel comfortable. I can't lie, I was a tad disappointed, but I know why she did both (the buying and the change of mind) and I accept it. I've seen plenty of men on here demand it and do the whole AIBU... I want to make it clear that's not me. It probably was in my 20's / early 30's, but now it's a pure bonus that I accept I may never see again.

Tan - Firstly it's not fake tan. I have spent years avoiding the sun and my wife has regularly said that she wished I wasn't so pale. Whenever it was sunny I would sit under a parasol. I just don't enjoy the heat. She also said I had put on a lot of weight and -without using the words she used - she was fairly brutal. To be fair to her, she was absolutely right and I had let myself go. Even though I wasn't exactly obese, she didn't want me to get to that. So I have made a concerted effort to trim and look browner. I'm certainly not a 'sun bed queen' or one of those that does the whole fake tan, fake teeth etc - she hates that love island look - but I have put a lot of effort into losing the weight, getting myself fit and looking better. This wasn't just for her, it's helped me with confidence with my job as well as I work in a customer facing environment.

So to summarise, I absolutely take what you've wrote on board. I have pre-empted that that may have been her thinking before I started any of these changes and have been extremely careful not to give off the vibe that I expect anything. But I'm not complacent and will ensure that I'm not giving off the wrong signals.

I read all that to the end but in the last paragraph you lost all my sympathy when you used the word ‘simp’

My apologies, stonepizza, and thank you for reading. Apologies if that's a few minutes you feel you won't get back.

'Simp' is a word that I noticed was being used a lot on here and other forums - both by men and women. I had a quick look and it said 'someone who displays excessive sympathy, attention, or deference to another person, typically to one who does not reciprocate those feelings, in the hope of winning affection or a relationship'. I'm not saying that's me, but just saying that I hope it isn't. Is it a derogatory term?

If you can think of a better word to describe the above, then feel free to replace it in your mind. If you can't look past that, then I can't do anything about that. I wasn't meaning to be offensive. I'd rather be talking about the issues at hand rather than articulation. Thanks for the heads up on this.

Can I ask about the snoring? Is this an occasional thing or are you keeping her awake every night? That would kill my libido.