Bf won’t let me look at his phone

[LunaBloom]

Hey, I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. He’s never let me grab his phone, not even a to just look through Facebook, without him being there to see what I’m looking at.
He says he’s like this because when he was a teenager his brother went on his phone, opened up his browser, saw porn, and told his parents, which resulted in him being spoken to about it.
He says he has trust issues when it comes to his phone because of this. The thing is though, I’ve been with him for seven years, I’ve told him to work on this problem since the beginning and he says he’s going to work on it but he clearly hasn’t.
I went on his phone earlier to google something and he snatched it away from me, saying that he wants to go for a shower and that he needs his phone. Is that weird or am I overreacting? I really really don’t think he would be the type to cheat, but I just don’t understand it at all. I let him go on my phone all the time, there’s been times when he’s had my phone and gone through my messages and asked questions about messages I’ve sent to my family group chat and things like that, which I don’t mind, because I don’t have anything to hide and we are both nosey people lol.
It’s just so weird in my mind, I don’t understand why he won’t let me touch his phone but he will grab my phone whenever he wants to. Maybe we’re just different and even though it doesn’t bother me, it bothers him? But I’ve also questioned him before because, why should I let him on my phone when he won’t let me on his? And his immediate reaction is to put my phone done and say ‘fine, whatever’ I just don’t understand it, has anyone else been in a similar position before or just had any advice on how to go about it? Thank you in advance!

So I'm torn because I don't think you're entitled to access his phone. But equally I don't think he gets to be this resistant about it while using yours.

"asked questions about messages I’ve sent to my family group chat and things like that" what type of questions? Is he reading through your messages?

While I understand you've nothing to hide I certainly wouldn't describe that as healthy or normal as you are entitled to have privacy and boundaries.

Imo he’s hiding something. Nobody is that protective of their phone unless there is something on there they don’t want you to see.

Also, why does he go through your messages? Is he insecure because of his own messages?

My husband and I never check each others phones nor are we tempted to do so. We do however, leave them laying about the house, use each others phone to call people or look at pictures etc etc etc.

Also, I don’t care if he watches porn, I’ve told him this before. If he didn’t delete his browser for whatever reason and I saw that he was watching porn it wouldnt bother me at all. I don’t care about it so I just truly don’t understand his reasoning at all. I’ve tried to talk to him about it multiple times, it always ends with ‘I’ll work on it’ or ‘I’m sorry, it’s something that’s just an instinct for me’ and then he never works on it. I don’t know, I just really need some advice I think

Yeah he goes through my messages quite a lot, honestly sometimes he does ask if he can look but other times he won’t ask and will just go through it anyway. I understand what you mean about us both having the right to privacy, and I 100% agree with you. It’s just weird that he feels like he’s allowed to go through mine no matter what but im never allowed to look at his idk

WTF? DH and I have been happily together for nearly 30 years, know each others pass codes, and will cheerfully pass each other our phones (using Google maps, showing each other photos etc) but it wouldn't even cross my mind for a nanosecond to casually open up his WhatsApp and scroll through it!! That's outrageous! And massively hypocritical of your BF.

I think he’s unusually protective of his phone, but it doesn’t sound like it’s a new behaviour. If he’d always been fine about it and then suddenly wasn’t I’d be suspicious.

I wouldn't let anyone else use my phone either, but he should leave yours alone.

That’s the thing as well,
even when we’re in the car, and he’s driving, he’s still reluctant to let me sort out the maps. I just don’t think he would be the sort to hide things though. That’s why it’s so mind boggling to me

Yeah that’s true, it’s not a new thing at all. I know he has a reason for it too, it just gets to my head sometimes lol

Sorry, this was a reply to Thuraya17

I wouldn't let my husband go through my phone but equally I wouldn't ever expect or even ask to go through his.

Personally I would be changing the passcode on my phone and matching his behaviour.

"BF, I understand that privacy is important to you with regards to your phone, and I respect that. Having given it careful thought, I feel that from now on I would also like privacy with regards to my phone, and I expect you to show me equal respect."

He has his Face ID thingy on my phone too, and I really don’t mind him using my phone at all. But it does bother me that he feels as though he can go through mine, but I’m not allowed to even look at his. So I do think you’re right, I need to set some boundaries and what you said is a good way to go about it. I’m just worried he’s going to take it as me being mean and not understand where I’m coming from. But then again, he can’t expect to use my phone when he doesn’t allow me to use his. I’m just in two minds about it all

I kind of see that it's a privacy thing. I mean why did he give you his password if he doesn't want you to see? But I had a terrible experience where my abuser used to go through my phone and harass everyone in there, delete the numbers, throw the phone out the window etc.
That has scarred me for life!

Well in that case, he's got a bloody nerve going through your phone and checking your messages, when he won't let you go anywhere near his. What a hypocrite.

You need to stand up to him and refuse to let him do it any more. Change your password, and tell him that the rule is the same for both of you. If he won't let you near his phone, then fair's fair so he doesn't get to look at yours either.

Yeah that’s true, I do know his password, he’s not bothered about that. Why give me his password if he has something to hide? But then when I go to pick up his phone is a problem, it’s just strange.
I’m sorry you went through that, no one deserves that at all! that’s a completely valid reason for not letting someone on your phone, I hope you’re doing better now 💜

I just don’t want him to take it in a negative way, but you are right, I definitely do need to set some boundaries. And as you said, why should he be allowed to look through mine when I’m not even allowed near his? Why can’t life just be easy lol

Urgh I can't put my finger on it but this makes me really uncomfortable. He's not just using your phone - he's actually gone so far as to set up his own face ID so he can access it whenever he wants? And gets twitchy if you so much as use sat nav on his? And then tries to make himself the victim when you call him out on his double standards?

This is all wrong on so many levels that it makes we wonder what other mind games he is playing with you. The fact that you are tying yourself in knots over his anticipated reaction to you asserting a completely reasonable boundary is a big red flag.

There has been other things that have happened within our relationship that have made me take a step back and think ‘is this what I really want?’ I’m not comfortable to
go into details but I’ve stayed with him and that is my fault at the end of the day. But in regards to cheating and hiding stuff, it has never been a problem. I don’t think he’s necessarily doing either of those things but it is strange. I do love him to pieces, and I know he does love me, even if he does have a funny way of showing it sometimes. I think I need to have another conversation about it with him and hopefully it gets through to him this time

🚩🚩🚩

Massive red flags, he's very controlling.

Even if he's not cheating, he's so controlling, this is an unhealthy relationship. Do you live together? I'd advise ending your relationship.

Yeah we’ve lived together the past five years, we have a dog and a cat together. It’s strange but I don’t want to end the relationship over something that may be nothing. My name is on the tenancy and I pay the rent, he pays the bills. And I really do understand where you’re coming from, and what you’re saying. It’s throwing up red flags in my mind too, but I just don’t want to be wrong and end everything when it might just be him being weird

And when he ask next time, say no. And when he asks why, you say, ‘you’ve decided not to work on you being comfortable with me using your phone. So it’s fair’. If he decides that’s not OK and he gets to control both his, and your, phone, you should end the relationship.

And I see you’re LOLing after pretty serious comments. When I see that, I worry. Do you think you have to minimise, laugh at issues, be cool about things? Because you don’t, not here. You can explain the bad thing and see it was a serious bad thing. And we will support you.

kind of an update, not really tbf. I went into the bathroom where he was having a shower, I had a wee and whilst he was on his steam deck I picked up his phone. He immediately asked what I was doing, I said I just wanted to have a look at fb and opened the app, I was scrolling through fb and about a min later he asked again what I was doing and looked to see what I was looking at. He said ‘oh is there anything interesting? (On fb)’ I said not really, and continued to scroll through. Literally another min later and he asked for his phone back because he wanted to look at an order he placed on aliexpress. I let him have his phone, he was on it for a few mins and I asked if his order was okay and he said that there was something weird going on because it hadn’t been updated. I waited, he asked why I was waiting, I said I was looking at something on fb before he wanted his phone back, he said okay and continued to look at his order for a few more mins and then put his phone done on the side of the bath. I picked it up again, he asked what I was doing. So I just gave him it back and left the bathroom. It’s just so weird and I can’t put my finger on it. I know he’s paranoid when it comes to his phone, and it’s nothing new at all, we’ve gone through this countless times, but he knew I was just scrolling through fb. Maybe I’m just trying to look for something when there’s nothing (not within his phone lol but within his actions) I think it’s making me paranoid at this point too

His reaction if you restrict his access to your phone would be interesting. I guess I'm feeling a lack of respect for your boundaries, however, he is entitled to very strict boundaries.

You’re completely right, I have to set boundaries no matter how uncomfortable they are for both me and him. There’s no reason for him to be able to use my phone when he won’t let me use his. We’ve just been through a lot and ending the relationship would be the last thing I’d want to do. I’m not even sure if I would be able to do it. I appreciate the support so much, I do try and make light of situations that shouldn’t be lightened. It’s something I’ve always done I think, but I really really do appreciate all the support and kindness that everyone has given 💜