Bf won’t let me look at his phone

[LunaBloom]

Hey, I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. He’s never let me grab his phone, not even a to just look through Facebook, without him being there to see what I’m looking at.
He says he’s like this because when he was a teenager his brother went on his phone, opened up his browser, saw porn, and told his parents, which resulted in him being spoken to about it.
He says he has trust issues when it comes to his phone because of this. The thing is though, I’ve been with him for seven years, I’ve told him to work on this problem since the beginning and he says he’s going to work on it but he clearly hasn’t.
I went on his phone earlier to google something and he snatched it away from me, saying that he wants to go for a shower and that he needs his phone. Is that weird or am I overreacting? I really really don’t think he would be the type to cheat, but I just don’t understand it at all. I let him go on my phone all the time, there’s been times when he’s had my phone and gone through my messages and asked questions about messages I’ve sent to my family group chat and things like that, which I don’t mind, because I don’t have anything to hide and we are both nosey people lol.
It’s just so weird in my mind, I don’t understand why he won’t let me touch his phone but he will grab my phone whenever he wants to. Maybe we’re just different and even though it doesn’t bother me, it bothers him? But I’ve also questioned him before because, why should I let him on my phone when he won’t let me on his? And his immediate reaction is to put my phone done and say ‘fine, whatever’ I just don’t understand it, has anyone else been in a similar position before or just had any advice on how to go about it? Thank you in advance!

Seriously, you need to grow up and stop allowing him to access your phone.
Why on earth would you let that happen?
If his issues are that deep seated you need to cut him loose.

I find the red flags on your side more than his almost like your obsessed with wanting to see his phone and do it to actually be annoying. Me and other half know each others passwords and leave our phones lying about but if I happened to use his phone once or twice a year that would be it same if he used mine. As far as I'm concerned I have private messages with family and friends that are mine alone and I'm sure he has his chats with work etc as well and I couldn't care less what he watches or likes on Facebook it's his phone. All part of trust and your the one to me that comes across a bit controlling and OCD about it

This is a major red flag as to why he won’t let you even touch his. He rakes through and questions your messages, without asking? Nah. That’s controlling. But is highly secretive about his own?

This is ridiculous. Delete his stupid face off your phone. Bring mean? Jesus.

I will bet my life on the fact he's hiding something. I've had this exact issue so many times in my past few relationships and every single time I've been right.

This has ranged from them taking phone literally everywhere with them (think putting it in their pocket to go to another room), allowing me a look but watching me like a hawk, while being clearly nervous, asking if I've found anything interesting (meaning have I found what they're hiding yet), getting aggressive ie 'what's your problem?', holding the phone to and asking what I want to see yo control it. Panicking, grabbing it and running off to the toilet (clearly to delete stuff) then offering it me back.

Honestly some of the behaviours have been quite amusing to watch, the sheer panic of them possibly being found out. Because they're in a state of anxiety, they will drum.up any old excuse to take it back from you, ie I just need to quickly check something, I just remembered I need to look at this.

Trust your gut on this.

Personally, I’d be waiting until he was asleep then going through that phone in forensic detail. But then I’m not very trusting.

His protectiveness of his phone is excessive but so is your insistence on looking at it! I don’t mind my partner using my phone sometimes but I expect him to use his own when he can. Can’t you both back off a bit and use your own phones except when essential?

How old are you both? You sound very immature, are you teenagers? My partner always has his phone near him and the only time I'd be able to look at it is the ten minutes he's in the shower. Last year I was suspicious and managed to look at his phone when he was in the shower, and I found dozens of messages he'd sent to a woman at his work, out of work hours, so I was right to be suspicious. It does sound like he's hiding something from you but you really need to have a grown up talk with him about all this, and don't keep saying lol as it makes you sound about 13.

This is weird. Change your log in and stop letting him use your phone.

I think it's one thing for him to have access to your phone generally, but him reading through your messages is a big no-no. Remove his Face ID off your phone and put a password on your WhatsApp.

Your boyfriend is an enormous hypocrite. And he won’t let you use his phone because he got told off by his parents??!! Boo hoo.

change your passcode and remove his Face ID. Play him at his own game

I don't understand why you need to use each other's phones... you have your own nearby surely. I wouldn't want anyone down my phone, whoever it might be, but that's just me.

I don't see how you've got tp 7 years with him tbh.

My partner and I have each other's pass codes and we use each other's phones to change/choose music, check Google maps and to pay for things with permission.

But the first time he went through my messages and questioned me about them would have been the last. I'd never go through his.

Why on earth didn't you change the pass code after the first time and tell him why?

And that's aside from his reasons for being so protective of it.

I can’t think why you need to be doing this nor why he does.

it’s smacks of insecurity on both sides, particularly his. Reading your messages is outrageous.

It’s really unhealthy that he goes through your messages. It feels like he’s spying on you. Doesn’t he trust you? This isn’t normal behaviour at all.

It’s also not normal that you’re so desperate to look on his phone. You both need to respect each others privacy.

Sorry OP - but this is classic cheat/guilt behaviour. He checks your messages because he assumes you also have secrets. Change your password and see his reaction, if he demands to look at your phone ever say yes as long as you give me yours…

I do feel like this is just the tip of the iceberg though in terms of his behaviour and your relationship going off what you’ve said x

From a male perspective, just on wife's mn, if I want to look at her phone but won't let her look at mine, it's because I'm doing something wrong on my phone and so also believe she will be doing something wrong on hers. So I am trying to catch her out because I've a guilty conscience. He's up to something he doesn't want you to see or know about.

DH and I never go on each other's phones or our kids' phones. I think people are entitled to some privacy.

This isn’t right. Why is he going through your phone regularly but you cannot even touch his. Sounds a little controlling and like he may have something to hide.

Stop spying on him via his phone!!! Amazingly, me and DH have never needed to look at each other’s phone for any reason.
He’s doing nothing wrong, whereas you’re being totally controlling.

I really don't understand why couples should have free access to each other's phone and casually scroll through their Facebook regularly. I also kinda hate the idea that my best friends partner regularly reads my messages. I personally don't like someone using my phone. I have nothing to hide, but I don't want them to see what I write on mumsnet or reddit or what I have googled.

But in this case him being protected of his phone while going through your messages is not fine. Either it is free for everyone or neither of you can do it. He is hiding something, not necessarily cheating but something he doesnt want to share. And he doesn't trust you.

Me and my dh never go through each others phones, might pop on his banking app to do something but thats it. Why would you want to go looking through his sm & whatsapp thats weird invasion of privacy.

That's not just a male perspective though. That happens with both males and females.

Agree with this. Never felt any need to look at anyone else's phone or show them mine. It had to work both ways though - I’d be looks at yours then you should have access to his, otherwise either allowed access to each others.

It does seem double standards

I'm very private, and no way do people get to look at my phone, unless I choose to show them something (and even then I feel twitchy while they're holding it).

But equally I would never pick up anyone else's. That would make me equally uncomfortable.

Our lives are on our phones. Some of us are super open about our lives, some of us more private. But if you demand privacy with your own phone, you don't get to expect open access to someone else's.