Bf won’t let me look at his phone

[LunaBloom]

Hey, I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. He’s never let me grab his phone, not even a to just look through Facebook, without him being there to see what I’m looking at.
He says he’s like this because when he was a teenager his brother went on his phone, opened up his browser, saw porn, and told his parents, which resulted in him being spoken to about it.
He says he has trust issues when it comes to his phone because of this. The thing is though, I’ve been with him for seven years, I’ve told him to work on this problem since the beginning and he says he’s going to work on it but he clearly hasn’t.
I went on his phone earlier to google something and he snatched it away from me, saying that he wants to go for a shower and that he needs his phone. Is that weird or am I overreacting? I really really don’t think he would be the type to cheat, but I just don’t understand it at all. I let him go on my phone all the time, there’s been times when he’s had my phone and gone through my messages and asked questions about messages I’ve sent to my family group chat and things like that, which I don’t mind, because I don’t have anything to hide and we are both nosey people lol.
It’s just so weird in my mind, I don’t understand why he won’t let me touch his phone but he will grab my phone whenever he wants to. Maybe we’re just different and even though it doesn’t bother me, it bothers him? But I’ve also questioned him before because, why should I let him on my phone when he won’t let me on his? And his immediate reaction is to put my phone done and say ‘fine, whatever’ I just don’t understand it, has anyone else been in a similar position before or just had any advice on how to go about it? Thank you in advance!

🚩🚩🚩🚩 major red flags I'm afraid

He must not think much of your intelligence to think you would believe that excuse. That would be a no from me.

@Soontobe60 did you miss the bit about him having his Face ID on OPs phone and the fact he goes through her phone in detail and questions her about the content of certain messages 😮 I don’t think either behaviour here is ‘normal’ but…..

He demands an unusually high level of privacy that he refuses to give to you. That's a double standard.

He doesn't want you in his phone but he's all up in yours and interrogates you about what he finds. Who died and made him your jailer?

He is shady and doesn't trust you.

I think he's projecting. There's something on his phone he doesn't want you to access or know about and he's going through your messages because he thinks because he's doing something he shouldn't, you are too. It's like the cheaters who accuse their spouse of cheating.

This is a symptom of something wrong. There's lack of trust, double standards, controlling behaviour, and you mention other things that are red flags.

Change your passcode. You need boundaries. He can no longer access your phone. I suspect you won't want to do that because you know he'll be angry.

With the majority on this.

I don't let anyone on my phone as a general rule (certainly wouldn't share passwords or set up face ID), but I also don't expect to have access to partner's phone.

Relationships should have equality - so in your situation I'd be removing his access to my phone.

Best of luck.

I never thought my ex would cheat, but he would never let me near his phone, turned out he spent our entire 20 year relationship cheating from online stuff, cam girls, hookers and casual hook ups, all through his phone.
Also his phone was always face down or in his pocket, and he spent a lot of time in the bathroom with his phone.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I dont think its bad he doesnt want you to go his phone. But I do think its bad thats his stance and he reads you messages?

Id use DHs phone to look at pics, Google something, ring myself if i lost my phone.. wouldnt read his messages. That's wild.

He doesnt trust you, and you dont trust him

I think there needs to be parity of access. If you don't have access to his phone why is it ok for him to access yours?

Maybe change your password so he needs to ask permission next time and explain that you have done it not because you have anything to hide but because the previous setup felt unbalanced and unfair.

I get that you are understanding about porn but, and I am sorry to bring this up but, could it be the type of porn that is ashamed of an wants to keep hidden? Trans or kiddie? Again, sorry.

Phones contain all sorts of private information, they are the modern day equivalent of a diary you’d keep in your bedroom. Nobody but you gets to look through them.

So what that means is he is being entirely reasonable to stop you looking at his. But… he is being entirely unreasonable to look through yours. You should care more about that, not because you’ve anything to hide, but the principle.

The obvious answer is to tell him to stop looking through yours.

The only men I've known who guarded their phones like this, had something to hide. My ex-husband despite all his other faults, would offer me his phone to use if my battery died, I'd take it out all day with me, and I'd never really look at it because of that trust. My more recent ex guarded it like his life depended on it, and was blowing it up with is ex. Personally, I don't like it when men wheel out childhood stuff to avoid answering a question: it's kind of gaslighting you, but also I wonder if he's related the two things because he's still watching porn on his phone?!! But I would not give him any access to my phone in this situation. See how that feels for him?

IMO he’s hiding something. Cheating he may not be but what if it’s something more sinister? The type of porn he’s looking at or certain people he’s genuinely friends with that you know nothing about…

I think this is bizarre - he’s possessive of his phone to the level is suggests he’s up to some form of no good. Then he has the nerve to snoop through yours. I wouldn’t tolerate this’ dynamic.

It is totally bizarre that he has set up his face ID on your phone. It sounds like you are in a very controlling relationship and have been trying to ignore that for years. What would happen if you changed the settings on your phone so he can’t access it? Would you be scared of how he would react? If so, you have a huge problem with this man.

I let him go on my phone all the time, there’s been times when he’s had my phone and gone through my messages and asked questions about messages I’ve sent to my family group chat and things like that, which I don’t mind, because I don’t have anything to hide"

-- Posting a reply on this specific comment before I even rtft.
You are entitled, as a human living in this world, to have things private to you for ANY REASON. It is NOTHING to do with whether you have anything to hide or not.

I cannot bear this pernicious view that only people with "something to hide" should want privacy, especially because it gets weaponised by bad actors. FUCK THAT. Stop telling yourself that you being "innocent" means you have no right or even expectation to keep anything away from other people's eyes.

Having now read the rest, a couple of things stand out:

• You pay the rent, he pays the bills: how even/fair is this (both in actual amounts and as % of your incomes)?
• You're super-cool with him watching any kind of porn? Are you really? Or is it not worth the argument?
• The privacy thing as already mentioned. Are you just usually keeping the peace by not raising the issue?

Those things, added with some of the other comments you have made about him/his behaviour all add up to someone who always lets things go his way for an easy life and no confrontation. Are you really worth so little?

This is a bizarre situation. I don't generally share my phone with anyone but absolutely have no issue with someone using it if they needed to. All my kids and DH know my pass code. Sounds a bit suspicious to me. I don't buy the 'story'. He can 'check' yours but you can look at his. Mmmmmm.....

I am torn. I don’t think that in any secure relationship you need to ‘go through each others phones’. So the fact that either of you do/want to is a red flag about your relationship anyway!

DH and I will use each others phones for bits and pieces at times though (like I have Deliveroo on mine) so I just hand it over to him to order or whatever. We both know each others passcodes (although, admitted, he remembers mine as it’s an old home phone no., but I don’t remember his!).

I would have concerns if someone never puts their phone down face up and just leaves it lying about, taking it everywhere and being protective over it would be a red flag to me over past experiences, but we both leave ours lying about all over the show in the house and don’t even think about it, but would never think to ‘go through each others phones’ either. We do what we need to do on the app the other has that we need to use and then hand it back… nobody hovers, nobody cares, nobody snoops as we both feel comfortable…. Which I think says it all.

I don’t understand why people think that phones are some sort of ultimate secret place that it’s a huge violation if partners dare to have access! It’s not a diary of their inner most thoughts.

if you cannot have access to your partner’s phone, fully then what the hell are they up to that has to be so secret?!!

my husband and I have full access to each others phones, passwords etc. he can riffle through my phone any time and vice versa. It’s not some coverted secret.

as a result of our access, we actually rarely use it, nor do I think I have to check because I don’t have any worries in that regard. But I could if I wanted and vice versa.

in our earliest part of our relationship he did have a emotional attachment to someone, which was not healthy. I was unhappy with some of their conversations. We had it out, he sad check my phone whenever and for a year I did, but what it taught me was actually he’s a decent guy with decent friends it kept me at ease, I checked without warning so he couldn’t delete anything and it made me so secure. I have never felt the need to do this since.

so we are at a really healthy place where we have no secrets, nothing is hidden and there really is no desire to check because we are so comfortable.

if he’s accessing your phone and saying that’s acceptable why not n earth is it not acceptable in reverse?! My spidy senses would be all over it. I definitely couldn’t live like that.

Match his secretive energy!

Hi op as long as you trust him let him be protective of his phone but I agree with others you should be the same take his Face ID off and don’t let him use yours just say oh you know your right it’s not nice having someone else looking through your phone and I will not touch yours again and that goes for you too you don’t use mine. He will soon realise it’s not a nice feeling especially if he liked nosing on yours and now he can’t I really hope you do put boundaries in place for him.

Kindly, OP, this. As for having the audacity to question you on messages, hell no to that one!

Also this…

We don't look through each others phones. We are allowed some privacy, we don't have to share every aspect of our lives with each other.

And this.

I have had a few beers otherwise I would be more diplomatic, but:

your bf is full of shit. That’s not why he doesn’t want you to look at his phone