Bf won’t let me look at his phone

[LunaBloom]

Hey, I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. He’s never let me grab his phone, not even a to just look through Facebook, without him being there to see what I’m looking at.
He says he’s like this because when he was a teenager his brother went on his phone, opened up his browser, saw porn, and told his parents, which resulted in him being spoken to about it.
He says he has trust issues when it comes to his phone because of this. The thing is though, I’ve been with him for seven years, I’ve told him to work on this problem since the beginning and he says he’s going to work on it but he clearly hasn’t.
I went on his phone earlier to google something and he snatched it away from me, saying that he wants to go for a shower and that he needs his phone. Is that weird or am I overreacting? I really really don’t think he would be the type to cheat, but I just don’t understand it at all. I let him go on my phone all the time, there’s been times when he’s had my phone and gone through my messages and asked questions about messages I’ve sent to my family group chat and things like that, which I don’t mind, because I don’t have anything to hide and we are both nosey people lol.
It’s just so weird in my mind, I don’t understand why he won’t let me touch his phone but he will grab my phone whenever he wants to. Maybe we’re just different and even though it doesn’t bother me, it bothers him? But I’ve also questioned him before because, why should I let him on my phone when he won’t let me on his? And his immediate reaction is to put my phone done and say ‘fine, whatever’ I just don’t understand it, has anyone else been in a similar position before or just had any advice on how to go about it? Thank you in advance!

I wouldn't let anyone look through my phone either. Why would they need to? I've been with my dh for 33 years, and have never looked through his phone, or vice versa.

Not to be prophet of doom, but to be that nervous about you looking shows he's hiding something. Someone i knew dated someone equally protective of their phone. Turned out they had indecent images of kids on there.

I'm not saying you have a right to look at his phone, but to be desperate to get it back would ring alarm bells for me. Even if its innocent what's good for the goose is good for the gander and you need to remove his access to yours. Don't allow a double standard.

I don't understand your need to be looking through his phone, unless you suspect him of wrongdoing? If you do have suspicion that he's cheating, then that's the real issue here.

Why would you need to pick up his phone to look through Facebook? You've got your own phone for that.
I've been with DH for 21 years, and I've never wanted or needed to look through his phone. I wouldn't want him to be looking through mine either - I've got nothing to hide, but I would consider him reading my messages between my close friends and I as a total invasion of privacy.

Just stick to your own phones.

“Phillysteak · Today 07:12

From a male perspective, just on wife's mn, if I want to look at her phone but won't let her look at mine, it's because I'm doing something wrong on my phone and so also believe she will be doing something wrong on hers. So I am trying to catch her out because I've a guilty conscience. He's up to something he doesn't want you to see or know about.”

I’m not male but this is what i thought too. Your partner knows he can’t be trusted and assumes you can’t either so he checks up
on you. Going through your messages is just wrong.

You sound slightly un-fuckin-hinged.
You had to go for a wee while he was in the shower....you are a fuckin adult and should be able to wait while he has a shower.
You then pick a time while he is vulnerable (in rhe shower) to go on Facebook (non-essential). Where was your mobile????
Probably in the house.
Bloody madness
You both need to set boundaries.
Most of all you need to grow the fuck up.

Fuck that.

Next time he wants to look at your phone tell him he can have it for the exact length of time you get to look at his.

He is not your manager and you are not his subordinate; you are equals and he should treat you as such.

That said I would assume he’s hiding something and that his desire to check your phone stems from him knowing that he’s hiding stuff from you and assuming you’re doing the same to him.

This doesn’t sound like a partnership in the real sense and it doesn’t sound like a particularly healthy relationship; is it your first relationship? Have you had healthy relationships modelled to you in your life?

OP I would be concerned at the type of porn he is watching. He is clearly hiding something and the fact he wont let you have that phone in your hand for more than a few minutes yet lets you have the password to me means he has a hidden file on his phone or he goes on incognito mode to look at certain things and while he has given you the password to appease you he needs to hide or clear things down when he suspects you will pick the phone up.

My partner and I would never grab each other’s phones - why would we need to? However, either you both look at each other’s phones or you both don’t look at each other’s phones. End of. You can’t have one rule for him and another for you. Anyway you clearly don’t trust him so I would say it’s time to move on.

When he has your phone then look at his too? Mirror what he is doing.

personally I don’t like anyone looking at my phone so don’t look at anyone else’s.

My privacy is important to me because I grew up in a controlling family where nothing was private (journals read as a child, bags secretly searched when visiting as an adult, and so on), and I learned that anything at all, no matter how innocent, can be weaponised. It was also unsettling when somebody referenced something I’d never told them - even if it was as mundane as “you like that song, don’t you?” - because this alerted me to the fact that more snooping had happened.

As a result, I don’t want my DH using my phone (my search history is boring, messages are with friends, family, and colleagues, there’s nothing to hide), but I wouldn’t look at his either. If he was protective over his but wanted to look at mine regularly I would think he was judging me by his own standards - hiding something on his and assuming I must be hiding things too.

Your DH’s double standards don’t make sense, and one negative past experience with his brother feels like a weak explanation. If he really did struggle with people using his phone due to this, he’d have a better understanding of why going through your messages isn’t okay, and how this could make you feel.

You can’t make him allow you to use his phone, but you can stop him using yours. Change the passcode, delete his Face ID, and tell him you understand that he needs privacy so you think you should both just use your own devices from now on.

Why are you on each others phones at all? If you want to look on fb use your phone, he shouldn’t be reading your messages. This sounds all sorts of weird.

100% this ,

You sound a lot!

You can implement boundaries around your device, but you have no right to unfettered access to anyone's social media accounts. I wouldn't be with anyone who's badgering me for access to my phone. Look at FB and WhatsApp on your phone.

There we go then.

If I was in the shower and my gf started weirdly going on my fb for no reason, I might react like him. The only time me and dh use each other’s phones would be for a specific reason and we’d ask first. E.g. my phones run out of battery, could I borrow yours to look up xyz? Or could you reply to x for me whilst I’m driving?

This. Also if you keep going on his phone to "go on Facebook" do you have to log him out and log into your own account each time?! That makes no sense at all.

As @EnchantedEvidence says, me and DH occasionally use each others phone if our own phone is in another room / charging but only to check something quickly. I would never dream of logging into - and scrolling through - my social media accounts on his phone and don't see why you would ever need to?! Nobody is that desperate to get on FB surely?!

Yes do this. Going behind your partner's back and betraying their trust is key to a healthy relationship 🙄

Trust your gut op his behaviour is odd controlling and immature.

You mentioned other things that have made the relationship hard? Can you go into those?

Would you consider some counselling to help support you and be able to objectively look at the relationship? If you've been together 7 years it will be difficult to see clearly and to pull back. But it's not coming across as a healthy relationship at all.

If you want quick answers but also unreliable answers you take the phone whilst he is asleep. I dont think thats the best route.
You may or may not find something. But then what? What is your line in the sand? A few responses you've given is that you're very forgiving and understanding I get the impression your boundaries and self worth need working on. Maybe you haven't seen good healthy relationships modelled to you?

A far better route to take is to start putting in your own healthy boundaries and observing his behaviour. Liars, cheats and addicts can't hide for very long when you start putting in healthy boundaries. Their whole world starts to crumble if you uphold them to boundaries and expect respect plus consistency from them.

I would really suggest having a counsellor or trusted friend to lean on because there is a high chance of abuse tactics to be used against you. Gaslighting/manipulating etc. Your partner already has shown he feels entitled to your phone but entitled to different rules for him. He doesn't view you on the same level as a team but actually you're a threat. To be controlled ,managed and held at arms length.

Ofcourse if there is nothing going on and it's all innocent he will happily accept your healthy boundaries and respect them. That internal alarm will stop ringing so loud to you because he will consistently be doing what he says he will without mis steps or push back.

Agree. Even if there’s nothing to hide then it’s not normal imo to use each others phones for SM. As you say you may be driving and say ‘can you answer that/send a message’ but other than that I see no reason why anyone needs access to their partners phone.

I don't see his privacy around his phone as an issue particularly. No-one touches mine, including DD and DP, and I'd be incredibly pissed off if DP just picked it up and went through it. To me, it's worse than picking up and reading someones diary.

However, the fact that he feels like he's entitled to access to yours is a massive red flag. I wouldn't dare just pick up DPs phone without her asking me to. I know the passcode on it, because she's a complete luddite with tech and she's always asking me to fix stuff, but I won't even answer a phone call on it if she's in the other room until she's asked me to.

So don't let him op, why the hell are you allowing this, it not good enough for you but OK that he can stroll through you phone, I don't think so, set your bar higher op, change your password and when he next takes your phone see how he reacts,

I would never go all down my husband's phone. I might use it for something if needed, he wouldn't care. He uses mine too, just shouts up he's about to use it for whatever. Checks first, unless there's a real reason not to.
If he was being funny about it and refused to ever let me go on his, then that works both ways. If he was going through my personal messages, that's not on. Ever.

"It’s just weird that he feels like he’s allowed to go through mine no matter what"
This only happens because you allow it. Next time he asks, just say no. His reaction will be quite telling.

I've never understood "My partner goes through my phone". How do they know your pincode?

OH and I don't know each other's pincodes as we don't need to, nor have we any interest in what's on each other's phones.

He shouldn't be going through your phone. That;s especially true if he;s senstive about your going through his.

I do also think, however, that partners donlt have am automatic right to rifle through each others private business - which a phone inevitably contains. Lots of mumsnetters will immedaitely accuse him of having an affair or watching porn, but it could just as easily be an embarassing, but totally innocuous, interest.