SEPTEMBER 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

I just said to myself - no wine in prison. She was vile.

She robbed Slave Son of the life he could have had. We’re currently clearing out his house before we sell it. It’s awful and in a terrible state. He couldn’t manage in a terraced house with dangerous stairs as a disabled person. She forbade him to leave and get a flat all on one level. He slept in a single bed. He hadn’t had a relationship since the 80s. She was jealous of all his lovely female friends. He hadn’t had to lie when he saw them.

She created the monster that is Twat Son as he was Golden Boy. In her final days, she had the audacity to say he would have looked after her best of all. The twat had disappeared from her life in 2014. She excused him standing up his learning disabled son at a cafe by saying “he was probably busy.”

I won’t go on!

I’m so sorry. You’ve achieved such a lot with your career and with your son. Those put downs and hostility to your achievements are unforgivable. Hugs to you. X

Lurker and occasional poster on these threads for many years (previous user name Frami). Please take a look at my past postings if you have time, to rewrite all the background story it would fill an encyclopedia). This is going to be a long post as it is. I have already cut loads from it. Apologies for this.
As with all my posts this is about DM and her bullying. I cope with DM's behavoir most of the time by being very LC. She and DF returned to Ireland in 1987. This is both a blessing and a curse. It means I have an excuse not to see her but when I do am forced to spend time with her. I will not visit her these days without DH to whom I have been married nearly 40 years but she hates. She is never openly rude to him, partly because he's male, partly because he will call out her behaviour. DF's death in 2017 allowed me to go LC as she no longer had his illness as a stick with which to beat me but at the same time her weapon of choice moods, sulks walking on eggshells around her trying to interpret her meaning has given way to sheer spite and nastiness. I could give examples but it would fill another thread.

Anyway the latest eruption. There is a big celebration coming up for my uncles 80th. We have decided to go as due to his health it may well be his last birthday. This immediately put DMs nose out. (Don't ask, nothing is simple with her.) Another uncle is travelling from the US and is staying with DM. Her house is too small to accommodate us all so I said that I am more than happy to find alternative accommodation. Red rag to a bull. DM will not 'allow' us to ever do this, she takes it as a personal insult. Key to rant at me, listing all my faults, really personal and nasty. She had a particular be in her bonnet about how about how 'awful' I was last year when I called her out on the fact that after continuous complaints that my DC never visit she refusal to let DD1 and her husband stay because she was hosting her Dsis's adult DC whom she has not seen since they were children. Her Dsis literally owns a house (not rented out) 10 doors down from DM. My fault was to suggest that they might stay in their own house or elsewhere for a night or 2 so to make way for DD who afterall is her GD. Apparently I caused her no end of pain and upset over this, I deliberately made a problem when none was there. DD was really 'gracious' about it and was happy to stay elsewhere. Of course she was, I paid for a hotel for them. There are no budget hotels in the area and few holiday rentals (not on tourist map.) But for me DD wouldn't have visited at all. DM chose to ignore this fact, it was just another example of me 'twisting everything as I always do' I would't mind but when it comes to making everything about her she makes the current US President look like an amateur.

After this rant she went onto her usual one about never ringing. I have explained over and over that if I decline the call it is not personal, just means I cannot take it and I will ring her back. Trouble is half the time she doesn't answer usually because she won't wear her hearing aids in. I have suggested messaging sometimes. She 'can't do' messages of any kind, despite the fact that I have see her text on numerous occasions, aften exchanging several a day with the brother whose party it is.

Anyway needless to say I couldn't take anymore and capitualated, even pointing out that we do not alway stay with our kids or they stay with us but none of us are offended by it did not work, it was merely twisted into a sign of my poor parenting. Once I submitted (that's how it feels) she was all sweetness. According to her she had 'cleared the air' and everything was fine. Not apology of any sort on her side, she has never ever done so. As always after any encounter with DM I am feeling like crap. In everday life I am a competant confidant woman. FFS I'm 60 not 6!

Apologies for all the typos in my previous post. I seem unable to edit it. Actually it is a good example of just how easily DM upset me. For many years I worked as proofreader and editor. Usually I make few, if any, typos or spelling mistakes. My DM dominates my mind so much when she starts that everything else goes to pot.

@Toooldforlonghair she’s never going to be the mother you wanted or, for that matter, change. That’s so frustrating and hurtful. I totally understand from watching my DP and his fucking bitch of a mother (now dead, thank fuck) Does your DM do the Irish martyr thing my late and not missed MIL, aka The Hag, did?

i reckon the not hearing the phone is a way of her punishing you. The Hag did it and the phone was her weapon of choice.

Can you get tougher with her? Or find a way of grey rocking her? “Bye, I have to go now”. “I was in a meeting”. “Mmmm” “mmmm” noises without getting into an always one sided ‘discussion’ by your mother. With the party, could you drive further out from a hotel/AirBnB (although that limits the ability to drink a lot to dull the pain!) although that’s a nightmare.

I really feel for you. Sending hugs.

Toooldforlonghair

i concur with Monkeys comments completely. All I would add is that you will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. You also need to drop the rope she holds out to you here and she is indeed using the phone as a stick to further beat you with.

Absolutely fucking exhausted here.

Mr Monkey has had a chest infection for seven weeks and is really unwell.

He was getting better until his eldest brother died two weeks ago. The death has brought up all the shitty family dynamics.

He’s waiting for twat brother to start challenging the will - MM is the executor and sole beneficiary. The thought of that twat makes me so angry that I shake.

I can tell that MM is stressed because he’s retreated into being quiet and into passive mode. It is doing my Fucking head in. Yes, I understand WHERE this stems from but it doesn’t make it any easier.

My approach would be to phone the solicitor and get reassurance. Take back control.

’I’m executor and sole beneficiary and my toxic brother, despite elder brother’s will saying: I’m leaving all my money to MM because Toxic brother is a twat, may challenge. What grounds could he possibly challenge it and what does a challenge look like?”

I’m pretty sure Toxic Brother doesn’t have a leg to stand on 1) he’s not financially dependent and 2) the will stated estrangement or rather ‘I’ve not seen my brother since 2017’, and despite Toxic Arsehole gracing us with our presence at the Hag’s funeral, first time we’d seen the odious twat in years, and then abusing MM once again with psycho behaviour when TB didn’t get a penny from the Hag, and then trying to butter up elder brother with a card and present from his daughter the will wasn’t changed, BUT I’M NOT A FUCKING LAWYER.

This weekend I’m going to say ‘I know you’re hurting, I know Toxic fucking twat still frightens you, but stop being passive and do something so you feel more in control and it doesn’t stress me out.’

He edges into Hag martyr behaviour when he’s like this. It’s the only way his family communicated apart from throwing knives and other physical abuse, plus emotional abuse of a harrowing nature,

Right now, I should be on a solo Athens break - I’m not, I’m miserable and sick to the back teeth - and, in two weeks I should be with Mr Monkey in a lovely hotel by a beach, but we won’t be.

I get it - shit and death happens - but if I hadn’t had such a fucking shit time with his fucking odious and abusive immediate family, particularly since 2020, I wouldn’t be so fucking ANGRY and so, so desperate for time away. This must be the sixth holiday we’ve had to cancel due to their relentless fucking shit, especially his cunt of a mother who resented me hugely and anything nice we did.

I hope she’s getting a roasting in hell.

His family have cast a long shadow over our relationship for TWENTY fucking years. It’s starting to affect my MH AGAIN.

oh, and I have sciatica, so I doubt the flight to Athens would have been that enjoyable!

I’ve decided to take myself off to Liverpool the night before a course next week to get the fuck away. I’m going to get a massage and sit in a sauna and then see a film. I’m not even in the mood to see Scouse friends because I know I’ll just get pissed and CRY into my three bottles of Sauv.

Thank you for listening.

@MonkeyfromManchester thats a harrowing read because you have been through so so much with your other half. I know he is still going through shit but he really does need to get a grip now and realise IT IS OVER. He can make all of this be over. She is dead the rest is money and paperwork and if he wont contact solicitor tell him that fuck it let the other one have everything. He has his freedom and peace and he should be allowing you to have the same considering you have been the best support ever. Honestly you are so strong and supportive it is admirable.

@Genuineweddingone thank you. I feel really listened to. I need this care this evening.

He’s not at peace. I don’t think he ever will be, despite therapy, as the damage is so profound. 😞

I’ve just let rip and told him my life has been very often very shit over the past five years - if not longer in different patches - because of his toxic family.

I don’t often say it, but it’s true. I’m not the person I was in 2019. If I’m honest I feel angry and bitter and polluted by the bunch of cunts who are MM’s immediate family,

Even the recently deceased brother was a bully with an alcohol problem which meant he was violent and aggressive throughout MM’s childhood. He ended up as Slave Son. I guess in the 1970s, social services didn’t prioritise that kind of abusive family e.g., they were fed and clothed, but so much dark stuff was going on.

He’s now watching a film as he can’t talk about emotions in what can only be described as a shit situation. We are the ones dealing with the aftermath of the hideous hag. His suicidal nephew is. My sister in law is. I am. He is.

I’m looking at hotels in Liverpool. I’m also looking at a spa break! My credit card is close at hand.

If I could dig up his mother I would set her alight. I have matches and it’s not too far a walk to the cemetery.

The damage that witch has done.

And it’s impacted me so much.

MM is so ill - and obviously, he has shit health as the body keeps the score - that I had to go up to the pub and sort out the wake arrangements today, when I can’t spare a moment. I didn’t have a pint although I was tempted it would have been ten.

He is genuinely too ill to do anything.

Obviously, The Twat hasn’t offered to do ANYTHING. He’s a sociopathic fucking cunt.
ALL he is interested in is money. He’s not having a penny I will make damn sure of that. I will make use of my grade c A level Law. Thank you, Miss Grace,for making me do my homework,

I have mixed feelings of Twat Brother not being at the funeral or at the wake, I don’t want to see him as he makes my skin crawl and I’m in danger of pushing a chair through his ugly face. He really is ugly, the narc love bombing worked on the ladies and then he was a violent bastard.

i am just so incredibly ANGRY.

I’ve got multiple time bound important deadlines, including my tax. 😢

I have to laugh as this year I was organised just after the start of the new financial year, set up my gorgeous excel, inputted all the £ data and then it crashed before Xmas just as I was filling in themHMRC form, so I have to go through my plastic bags of receipts and start again. 😂

Normally, I accompany the task with a bottle of wine, but, more fool me, I’m doing Dry January.

What a muppet.

@MonkeyfromManchester @AttilaTheMeerkat

Yes the phone is her weapon and is the main reason I don't ring her. Honestly I have to steel myself to do so, thinking about it for days sometimes. I share little or nothing with her as everything invites some sort of dig. She knows Usually I grey rock. We talk about things like the prices, doctors queues, meaningless stuff, until the doorbell 'rings' or I 'urgently' need a wee, whatever I can think of to hang up. Preblem is last night I let my guard down. I thought she'd be thrilled that we are visiting,(she's been going on about it enough.) and would have something real to talk about. Instead she went into full on nuclear mode. I should have known better. She's not said a thing about any party, sure sign that her nose is out of joint. I learned of it through various family members an official FB invite came this week. That in itself would offend her, plus she's hates the venue (lovely by the way). Not that it has anything to do with her.

Well now I have had another little social media clearout thanks to Brooklyn Beckham stuff - seeing things from 'neutral' family about how sad it is that BB has 'jumped on the newest tred to be estranged from family' and how sad it is as you only have one mother and father bla bla fucking bla. With them posts they have shown no neutrality so that is that last few of them gone. I am better off and more peaceful without them. Sometimes it hurts but I look at my son and remember who I am doing it for.

I’m a long time lurker and just wanted to share my most recent horrific experience with my toxic parents. Please be warned this may be triggering for some relating to suicide.

i’m 48 and a single parent of 4 pretty much grown up kids only one (17 left at home) I am the typical eldest daughter of controlling parents and as a result have been brought up never feeling good enough and as such always struggled with relationships (I pick the damaged, emotionally unavailable ones) I had been single for 6 years and mid last year met someone but it came to an end this Wed.

i’ve been struggling with loneliness, menopause and just pressure of life on my own, I was made redundant last year and it took me 9 months to get a new job, this pays well but I hate it. I used all my savings and am playing catch up to pay off debt accrued whilst unemployed. I also had an op just before I was made redundant and the stress resulted in my suffering significant alopecia. The past year has been exceptionally tough.

I’ve been feeling very, very low and when my relationship ended I went into a tail spin, drank too much wine and just made the most stupid decision to swallow a bunch of pills. I made myself stay awake all night, vomited a few times and got through it. Waited until the next morning when my daughter went to school and text my folks to ask them to come over as I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to call anyone else as I was embarrassed.

Well they came over and immediately launched into shouting at me, what the fuck was I doing, how could I be so stupid, this is typical of me being a drama queen. It was full on aggressive! Kept telling me I had to call my work and call in sick, I needed to go to hospital and get a grip. I explained I was not in the headspace to call work and I didn’t need the hospital. At this point my Dad threatened to go and get my 17yr old and bring her home from college for me to tell her what I had done and explain why I was refusing the hospital. I asked them to leave and they refused. Instead spent ages downstairs muttering about me, even discussing whether I was telling the truth about taking the pills.

i did relent and go to the hospital with my Mum and got checked out, had blood tests and other than a slight raised liver function test all ok. The Dr was incredible and so kind and the mental health nurse was amazing and even though I was hugely embarrassed they were very supportive and have put me on a good pathway to follow and get support. Throughout the wait in hospital my Mum kept going on about how difficult I am how I never listen to them and withdraw from them ( I have tried to be a LC as I can but they are v close to my kids and live round the corner)

Ironically, the way my parents reacted has almost made me jolt out of it and feel some relief. I feel that their behaviour has totally vindicated why I am the way I am and why I keep my emotions so closed to the point of overwhelm leading to such a stupid decision. There was zero empathy from them, they did not touch me, give me a hug or offer any kindness, just directed a barrage of anger, shouting, accusations and commands as to what I should do.

They are now showing faux concern, popped over this morning with flowers! They are unbelievable. I would never treat my kids in crisis like this! I really think they believe tough love is the only way to be, but to have no empathy when your child tells you she has attempted to kill herself is just astounding for me and there callousness and anger has shocked even me.

i am doing ok, I know I have a lot of MH work to do and will be getting the necessary counselling and accessing some anti depressants as suggested yesterday. I don’t share a lot with my friends so I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest in an anonmyous space.

God, the way they use the phone as a weapon.

My late MIL did that. And good for you on not ringing her and just doing trivia.

Until I got wise to the tricks I used to have a chat like you would about anything - life’s ups and downs.

The Hag would either focus on misery or look for ways to get digs in.

The classic during Covid because we had to bubble with the fucking bitch and my mum was in a bubble with her disabled friend was the Hag saying: oh your mum must be very lonely. It was deliberate spite, The Hag thrived on misery.

I guess your mum’s angry that your uncle intends to have a nice time? And put everything about the celebration down. These people!

Bloody good for you! Kick the flying monkeys into touch.

There must be people all over the country reading the Brooklyn story and thinking ‘yep, my childhood was spent with a toxic narc who then disliked my partner’ and either seeking therapy or disentangling themselves from shit family set-ups.

Doubtless there are toxic parents reading the Brooklyn story and tutting thinking what an ungrateful child and his parents did nothing wrong. It’s funny when I read the story because of my experience with the toxic Hag, I immediately felt really sorry for him and rage on his behalf.

I like your nickname “the ruler of my house” that’s so positive cos you are. You are an incredibly strong person to come through that turmoil as a child, have those really hard life experiences, and still be standing, albeit, maybe, leaning to one side on a bit of a wobble at the moment. Your decision to go low contact was the right one and it still is. If you can take control of the narrative and you talk to your kids about the recent events, rather than them putting their spin on it. Your counsellor might advise?

I’m really glad you’re getting counselling.

A crisis like this - years ago, I had something similar - is the point of rock bottom and you will get better by trusting the people around you who have your best interests at heart.

And always keep talking.

I say this with sympathy and empathy as I was the same but mate step out of the drama . You are over invested in her (and i get why) but in order to not be you must pull back . The drama is so comfortable for you that you are staying in it.

you’ve a lot more power than you think.

What a surprise. Twat brother texted Mr Monkey again about their elder brother’s will this morning. This is at least the seventh enquiry. Elder brother died two weeks ago.

Twat Brother framed it in a “I hope your chest is getting better. The solicitor says the will is confidential. Can I have a copy.”

He’s both utterly unbelievable and totally predictable. No asking if he could help with the funeral or death admin. Or getting in touch with the one son who is still vaguely in touch with him to talk about his uncle.

The enquiry about MM’s chest was Twat Brother “showing his caring side’ 😂 MM just texted back ‘still not right’ and didn’t talk about the will.

The funeral is on 2 Feb. He doesn’t even have the decency to wait until after that.

FINALLY, Mr Monkey has woken up and is going to see the solicitor who is dealing with the probate to discuss any possible challenges and how that pans out.

We have just joked that Twat Brother is probably hoping the chest infection is something sinister so he can lay claim to Mr Monkey’s £ too.

Even more delighted that the Twat won’t be at the funeral as I would be behind bars by the afternoon of the 2 Feb.

Thank you for your kind words. I guess my home is the one place I feel safe and mostly in control.

I am undecided if I am going to tell my kids about what happened, my parents have agreed not to say anything to my kids but whether this holds true I’m not sure.

I have shared it with one close friend who is being very supportive. I intend to fully embrace the counselling as I do want to get out of this fug and try to figure out how to move forward and into a happier place. The mental health nurse really listened to me and said it was clear a lot of the issues that need unpicking are childhood trauma bond related. It is very clear that I have to have very limited or even no contact with my parents as they only bring anger, stress and control into my life.

@MonkeyfromManchester I'm so pleased to hear that MM has agreed to speak to the solicitor about this. My understanding is that successfully challenging a will is not easy, especially when there's nothing complex in it (a single beneficiary would usually be pretty simple), no reason to suggest the person making the will doesn't have capacity and the person challenging was not dependent on the deceased person. Is there a reason that MM needs to keep communicating with Twat or could he tell him the solicitor is dealing with everything and not to contact him again? I know it's probably not that simple in practice but I recognise that feeling of dread every time the arsehole brother tries to get in touch, and wondering what stunt they are going to try to pull next.

It sounds like Twat has probably realised this is the last time he'll have any reason to be in your lives and he's deliberately trying to cause you stress. He probably realises he has no grounds to actually challenge.
I think it's easy to overlook the impact on partners and children of those with shitty families of origin. I suspect when the arseholes realise they can no longer actually manipulate their sibling in to doing what they want they go out of their way to upset the people that sibling cares about. Not long after I went NC with GB1, DH agreed to e-mail him some photos of GB1's children at a family party (that GB1 missed, we now realise because he was away with one of his OW). GB1 claimed that one of the files was something inappropriate and heavily implied it related to child abuse. This was obviously distressing, particularly as DH works with children and we had small children of our own. After a stressful and entirely sleepless night DH concluded that his only option was to report the issue to the police himself and to voluntarily offer up all his IT equipment. When he told GB1 the plan GB1 said we'd misunderstood and it was just a 'joke'- there was definitely nothing untoward. It sounds like you (like my DH) have been amazingly supportive and been caught up in the shit caused by MMs family.
I think you should plan to do something nice with whatever you inherit, bonus points if it's something Twat would hate to see you doing.
@Therulerofmyhouse Sending and well done to you for embracing counselling and acknowledging the need for help. I feel that if some of our families had sought help rather than pretending to be perfect many of us wouldn't need to post here. It does sound like you need to distance yourself from your parents, at least for a while. And many of us find that simply posting here, with people who get it (and won't trot out the whole 'blood's thicker than water' crap) is a huge help.
@AttilaTheMeerkat In reply to a previous post of mine you asked some interesting questions about roles in my family. It's prompted me to do some reading around this. You also asked why I believe my DM has dementia- sadly she has lots of symptoms and is being formally assessed. GB2 says she's just a bit lonely (my fault for selfishly having a home/life/family of my own and not giving this up to live with her).

It's interesting to see the comments here about the whole Beckham thing. Obviously none of us know what's really happened in that family but I hate the way many people seem to have jumped to the conclusion that of course the child is completely in the wrong. It demonstrates why I haven't been open with friends and extended family about what I've experienced with my family.

@Therulerofmyhouse I’m so glad you saw a good mental health nurse who made the connection between what happened and childhood trauma. With your friend, is she someone that you could discuss things around telling your children? Your parents are very controlling and they will want to control the narrative. They will want to have that control as it’s a way of controlling you. I’m so glad that you are getting support into place. This will help you hugely in deciding the way forward with your parents. Huge hugs,

I think both David and Nicola are narcissists and what is being played out here is a clash between two narcissists with Brooklyn in the middle. Nicola and David use Brooklyn for their own reasons; facade management, fame gain and fuel. Brooklyn is not the brightest spark in the box and does not realise he is being used by his now wife for her own ends She also being a narcissist will likely tire of her H soon enough and discard him.

Thank you @awkwardcow I think I’m reacting so strongly as it’s all so triggering about how hideous his mother was and my knowledge of what an absolutely vile bastard Twat brother was to MM when he was growing up. And MM’s 360 degree awful childhood.

MM is holding all the cards on this one. We had a big chat and he’s putting absolutely everything via the lawyer. He says he feels like he’s powerful, which he is in all of this.

I think Twat Brother got the probate on his late mother last February, a year after her death, clocked he wasn’t included, sent a stream of consciousness vicious messages to MM, which don’t paint TB in a good light, and it dawned on him that history will repeat itself with his elder brother, which it has. TB thought by beginning a charm offensive in spring last year with his elder brother would work to make a new will happen. It didn’t. And it wouldn’t have made a blind bit of difference.

Thanks to three years of therapy MM can stand up to him and he’s not communicating with him going forward.

You are so right. He hasn’t got a leg to stand on, nor a pot to piss in and it’s all about wounding others. He’s pulled tricks like this all his life and he’s just the vilest twat imaginable.

I’d love an opportunity to be public with the wider family - none of them like him - on the coke, the heroin, the male and female, and possibly underage prostitutes, the embezzlement of his business partner, lying about a brain tumour, telling people his mother was dead (when she wasn’t), the physical, sexual and emotional abuse of his ex-wife and the abandonment of his children, his mother, MM, and his now deceased disabled brother. I would love to tell that story to the audience at the funeral. With him gagged and strapped to a chair. It doesn’t add up to the public image of Mr Big Shot that he likes to project.

But he’s having an ‘operation’ that day. Sincerely hoping the rage he will now be having makes that operation turn out differently….

The thing is he can’t tell stories like that about us.

I don’t think I even exist for him. I’ve never liked him. Nor him, me. He doesn’t like clever women. He’s met me three times. That’s fine by me.

However, he knows that MM is different and much stronger than the shy 20-something the Twat used to bully. And he’s probably joined the dots and worked out he’s got a very tough SIL.

And, you’re right, the impact is terrible on partners. It’s so painful to watch a partner deal with this. MM has CPTSD as a result of this and meant screaming nightmares four times a week. He doesn’t have that now.

OMG your brother. How UTTERLY vile. That’s spite at a whole new level. And your husband called him out. Took the power back. Good for him. And what another horrible way of getting back at you.

Thanks so much for listening, ❤️

Monkey i know it's too late now, but in case it helps with any future decisions around this situation, you didn't legally need to tell Twat Brother anything. You could have dealt with the funeral and the will etc then informed him of the death after it was all done and dusted. Or not informed him at all (if you're NC with him) and left him to figure it out by himself one day, if he CBA..

Contesting the will can only be done on specific grounds. That doesn't stop some idiots trying anyway. It'll be on TB to get a solicitor and pay for it. He may try to drag it out indefinitely if he has money and is an arse. There's a point at which you can legally say "ok then, we're at a stalemate, so piss or get off the pot" and force his hand to either drop the claim or take you to court, where he'll lose.

@SamAndAnniethank you. X

i think if I’d endured the shit childhood that MM had I would have cut contact years ago with all of them. Like walking out on my 16th birthday throwing a grenade over my shoulder! That’s what I like to think.

what’s been interesting/horrifying about all of this is watching the trauma bond play out. How The Hag made recently deceased brother in law her de facto husband and controlled his life - and he put up with it - and how she was lining MM up to take on that mantle. Both of whom had been terribly abused. The one ‘that got away’ was TB, but actually out of the three siblings, TB is the most damaged as he’s still living out the toxic legacy and still trying to damage other people. I hate to think how he behaves to wife number 2.

I don’t think it occurred to MM to not tell him. Twat brother didn’t take the call and his LC (not estranged) son who has learning difficulties had to let him know. Then TB called. And then didn’t call again for a week until he started asking about the will.

TB used to have a lot of money, but he’s now skint.

No flash car. No flash house. No fancy hotels when he was here for the Fucked Up Performative Family Death Bed Scene with the Hag and the Hag’s funeral. I laughed as one of the places he stayed was pretty much the worse kind of AirBNB you could stay in. The reviews were epic.

He made my SIL (his ex-wife) into a trophy wife, forbade her from working or getting qualified (coercive control) and showered her with Gucci handbags when she found out about the latest affair or prostitute. Wife 2 works in a care home (caveat: I worked in the care sector when I was a student and have the utmost respect for the profession) and having a wife who works in any job or works in a care home will be a massive blow to his self-esteem.

He’s skint.

The reason he’s skint is he spend absolute thousands trying to take the house from SIL and his children. Of course, he got the fanciest firm of solicitors. He lost.

He hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

I would love for the twat to know that when he was trying to take the roof from over his kids’ heads, it was lately deceased brother who was helping SIL with her legal fees. It was a lot of money. And for all my BIL’s faults, he always knew what justice and decency was. TB is a narcissistic sociopath.

MM is calmly doing death admin and ignoring the SECOND text he got yesterday. He just read the preview which was ‘hope you’re getting better’ (like he gives a shit) and has filed it. He’s seeing the solicitor.

@MonkeyfromManchester
Thank you for all your help amid your own difficulties. I feel for both you and MM. My DH and I are in a similar position only you and my DH have swopped roles. My DH has twice acted as executor. It was probably as easy as it is possible for these things but emotional mind games were not a feature of his upbringing.
I find it interesting that your DH is constantly ill. Over the years I have become convinced that my immune system is affected by the stress from my DM. Whenever she kicks off, I get something. Had Alopecia Areata (wore wig for 5 years) which developed wheb DM was most abusive. During the lockdown/Covid years when we were effectively NC it all grew back. Says it all really. Following her last visit to the UK I got a chest infection. Had had Covid the week before but the visit didn't help. Since the recent rant 2 nights ago I have not slept properly (insomnia is not a problem for me usually) and have woke up with a UTI. Could be coincidental but I think not.

Best wishes to you both and thanks once again.