SEPTEMBER 2025 - Well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have now set up a new thread as the previous one is now full.
This long runnning thread has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.
The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.
You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.
'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
I started with this book and found it really useful.
Here are some excerpts:
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.
YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."
Helpful Websites
Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society
There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat for details.
Some books:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa
This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:
"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

It’s a light bulb moment isn’t it? My mum has always been this way, for as long as I can remember. I’ve never had that loving relationship with her that I see others have. But there was a time I accepted it as normal. I thought it was me. Then gradually over the last decade I’ve come to th3 realisation that she’s just an awful person. It’s frustrating because she blatantly lies about what I’ve said or done, in front of others, but it’s difficult to get other people onside, because it’s me who is desperately trying to convince people that she’s lying while she just sits calmly watching, so then it looks like I’m the unhinged one. I’ve just got to the age where I want peace. I don’t want the drama. I want normal interactions with family, not this constant anxiety when I’m in her company. I realise looking right back to my childhood the huge negative effect she has had on every aspect of my life. I read posts on here which are absolutely heartbreaking. The person who should have our backs the most is the person who has damaged us. I just find it hard to comprehend how a mother can do that.

@Livelovebehappy I found that when I became a mother myself, it really opened my eyes to how I’d been treated. It’s even harder to comprehend how anybody can behave like that to their own child, once you become a parent yourself.

Trying to drop the rope but I’m struggling. I know my mum is upset. But the only way I can make things “right” is pretending I’m sorry. There’s this never ending cycle of being needled and needled until I explode, and then I’m the unreasonable one. And then my parents ignore me until I calm down. I hate what they’re doing to me. I hate not being in control. They put a roof over my sibling and nephew’s heads. They visit us about twice a year. My daughter asked for a sandwich the last time we visited and you’d think she’d just take a dump on their carpet. My mum said if she did, my dad would have no supper. Meanwhile my nephew is piling though a plate chicken wings. The first thing he says to me is why are we parked in his spot. So far this 11 year old has called me fat, stupid and lazy. I want to cut ties because this is just making my family miserable now. They act like they care so much but judging by their actions they don’t care diddly squat about us. I wish I could just take a pill and have no memory of them. I would be so much better off.

@Ladybyrd That sounds horrible. I think you're right that it's time to cut ties to protect your partner and DC as well as yourself. I know it's not as easy as 'just' going NC but it sounds like this is a good time to call their bluff and, as they are ignoring you, stop communicating or visiting. There's not necessarily any need to go fully NC but you can take back control and not visit them or keep contact to a minimum. I know it may feel like you can't do that, but you can and you would be perfectly reasonable to do so. So what if your mum is upset- does she consider how she makes you feel? Or your DD? It's not your responsibility to 'make it right' and you are not unreasonable in reacting to a build up of mistreatment. I've been in a similar position with family blaming me for reacting after constant shitty behaviour from other family members so I understand how they make you feel responsible and how hard it is to shake that off after a lifetime of being conditioned to accept it.
My advice is to let them ignore you, and don't contact them. Your sibling will probably try to persuade you that you are in the wrong but if she can't/won't see how unfairly they are treating you that's a problem with her, not you. You can't magically forget that they exist but you CAN choose not to let them be part of your life and enjoy your life with people who treat you with respect.

I am having a challenge week personally as we have lost a family friend 45 sudden heart attack same circumstance to dh brother it’s the 3rd anniversary next week and at work was in the office today so drove past dm care home and saw dsis car there and came home and cried I’ve not done anything wrong I now feel guilty for not sending dm a Mother’s Day card but it felt weird as I didn’t send one last year as I didn’t know where she was living and i know she is now in a care home and there has been cognitive decline so I have probably been selfish to protect my my own mental wellbeing and hers not visited her

My heart goes out to all of you on this thread. It would have been my Mum's birthday today but thankfully she died just over a year ago.
The huge result of her behavior is, as mentionted, the loss of a brother and cousins. It's all too late to catch up.
The lasting damage from these parents is generational. It's such a shame

Thank you @awkwardcow. It all came to a head soon after when I was contacted by various parties about a family meal we’d been excluded from and what a nice time they’d all had. I mean, exclude us by all means but I don’t need to hear about it umpteen times. It just felt like it was deliberate needling.

On top of that, i couldn’t believe they’d taken my nephew out of school when he’s already struggling to go to the pub for lunch. Then nephew is saying he’s “bad” at certain subjects - no wonder. He’s also had umpteen days off to go to sporting events. Not my circus, but i definitely don’t want my kids hearing about that.

God, it all sounds so petty but years and years of it and it’s just soul destroying. I was just minding my own business and get a phonecall and all that dropped in my lap - who wants that? It’s just so unsettling.

I did send flowers for Mother’s Day and she rang to say thank you, but mentioned sibling several times so it quickly started to feel like needling again. All I want to say is how hurtful they’re being towards us but that isn’t a conversation for Mother’s Day and it makes zero difference anyway.

I don’t know what’s happened really but it feels like something’s snapped this time. I don’t feel a need to do anything dramatic but I know I have to step back. I need to learn to cut these calls off as soon as she starts saying hurtful things.

I confirmed today that my Mum had blocked me. All my life I’ve been made to feel not good enough and have never known how to please her. I even sent her a long message once saying this and that all I wanted was her love.

She never has and never will change but it still hurts that I’m the villian in her story time and time again. I’m so alone as my family as
all her flying monkeys and every now and then it hits me right in the chest.

@TheMentalMentalLoad it’s not you, it’s her. And you’re not alone. She done you a favour in many ways.

My mum now has dementia and has become even more unbearable. She rings me several times each day to tell me I’ve stolen from her or some other accusations, then hangs up on me. I’ve mostly stopped answering but I would love to block her once and for all. She’s spread so many lies amongst all of the family who either believe her or don’t want to rock the boat.

Thank you @sandyroseI like to believe that if my mum did get ill or become like your mum I’d just ignore her, but I wouldn’t. I’m not like her at all. She blocked my grandma (her mum) when she was old and forgetful. She treated her terribly.

I am incredibly ashamed of my mum and the way she behaves. She’s disgraceful.

@sandyrose Trying to navigate dealing with parents of a dysfunctional family when they are old and vulnerable is a practical and emotional challenge unlike any other in my opinion. My mum spent a lifetime covering up/enabling her golden sons' terrible behaviour and blaming me when I wouldn't do the same. Through guilt, I kept fairly quiet about how dysfunctional our family really was and to the outside world kept up the facade that our parents were wonderful, GB1 had some problems that were not really his fault, GB2 was a lovely boy who just needed a bit of help and I was the selfish cow who just got on with her charmed life whilst the rest of the family pulled together to help. Mum is now in the early stages of dementia and clearly expects that I will step in to the role she brought me up with- namely to continue enabling GB2, put myself last and do all the 'adulting'. They both want the co-dependency to continue but want me to become part of it- essentially doing everything for mum including everything she used to do for GB2. GB2 won't face the reality (as he never has) and obviously doesn't want to lose his bolt hole at mum's so tells her she's fine, I am the awkwardcow as usual, this time trying to 'shove her in a home'. Yet I don't feel I can just walk away because she's vulnerable. I know that in her state now she's not capable of critical thinking so just goes along with what she wants to hear (which is that GB2 is the lovely boy she always knew she was and will look after her). I know that even when she was capable of understanding fully she made similar choices and I didn't walk away so it feels worse to leave her to it now. But as I haven't walked away, she and GB2 seem to assume that if they add enough pressure I will relent and do what they think I should. Everything I do agree to do is constantly criticised and minimised by GB2.

@awkwardcowI’m in a similar situation. I worry about my parents as they’re getting on. Their GB(!) has lived there since his relationship broke down about 6 years ago. No effort to be independent- just living there rent free with a well paid job. And the sun still shines out of his arse. My nephew has his own room there and the last visit we were made to feel so uncomfortable by him. Basically, it’s the 4 of them and we’re the poor relations - my DC don’t have anything like the closeness. I’ve tried to encourage it, but for my own sanity, I cant keep doing it and most importantly it’s starting to upset my kids. It all blew up recently because DM just kept needling me and needling me (in a way you can’t complain about - I’m sure you get it - just keeping me posted on all the many, may things they do with Dn). It’s always me that rings but I can’t keep on with it. I’m concerned about them but I can’t keep doing it to just keep getting a kick in the teeth. I just can’t take one more story.

I would drop the rope entirely here re these people because they are not worth bothering about. Also adult social care would step in. You people are under no obligation to care for your parents in their dotage just because you are female.

I will keep an eye on this thread and when it gets to close on 1000 I will start a new Stately Homes thread.

Just block her. My mother isn’t far off being like this. I can’t take anymore.

@Ladybyrd I completely understand what you mean. Many of the things that my family have done for many years would, as a stand alone comment/event/situation seem not even worthy of noting let alone going NC for. Even complaining about them would seem incredibly petty. But as part of a constant pattern it's too much to keep taking. Personally, I wish I had stepped away when my parents were fit and well, and definitely when my DC started to notice as I really don't want my children to see this as an acceptable way to treat people. Mine are now young adults and it's a too late to walk away as mum has dementia (or doesn't if you listen to GB2). When my DC were small I tried to cover up the inequity between grandchildren and made excuses (usually that GB1s children needed them more as their own parents had problems, which was true but didn't explain everything). Now that they are young adults I have made the decision to be entirely open with them and let them know that I don't think it's OK. One of those 'petty issue but symbolic of much more' was at Xmas. My parents have been invited to spend Xmas with us almost every year since our DC were born and have always declined. Initially this was on the basis that they hosted members of the extended family/neighbours (usually all adults) but for the last few years it's been because they wanted to spend it with my nephew. Mum's words this year were 'I don't want to miss seeing my grandson on Xmas day'. Similarly, my parents have never ever actually bought my children a birthday or Xmas present- it's always money in a card. Which is fine, but the children of GB1 and GB2 have always been given carefully thought out gifts. As mum couldn't do her own shopping this year she expected me to help her find, buy and wrap a present for GB2s child because 'Little ones need nice presents to open'.

Money in a card requires no real thought or effort. And who died and made your 11 year old nephew king?. Your parents continue to favour your nephew and his deadbeat father at your overall expense. Honestly I’d leave them to it.

You’re the scapegoat here ladybyrd and as a result your kids are also scapegoated. You’ve been trained from early childhood to accept all this and indeed you have but you do not have to accept it any more. With you people out of the frame entirely hopefully they will turn against each other.

My post should say awkward cow and not ladybyrd in my second paragraph.

So my mother has given my son an early 16th gift. Apparently she has added his name to her will and now he along with me and my two siblings will inherit part of her house when she pops her clogs. Seriously the day before he went on a school trip to France this is what she told him. Maybe she thinks the thoughts of her death would have ruined his trip - it didnt. I mean its the most ridiculous thing to say to a kid too. Also I dont believe her not that I care. I have my own home he inherits and a very generous life assurance package so whatever pittance she is saying she is leaving him is moot.

@awkwardcow It feels very familiar, but you’re further along. I’ve always had a bad feeling about where this is going. My father had a health issue (which turned out to be sepsis) and my brother was perfectly happy to let him drive himself to the hospital and back for an operation until I said I was coming to sort it out. Suddenly he got off his backside.

But yes exactly. I am not letting my children be the sacrificial lambs in this dysfunctional family.

It really is shit isn’t it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat That’s the thing. They do bother with birthdays. They will show up for the kids for that, and Christmas, but on the day to day, week to week, month to month there’s very little most of the time. I am done begging for crumbs.

@Genuineweddingone I would really struggle to deal with that level of emotional blackmail.

There’s really no thought from them for their birthdays and Christmas either. Anyone could put money in a card, no effort is needed. They don’t know what your kids like and they don’t care either.

Dsis was always ridiculously extravagant with birthday and Christmas presents for us especially my dc holidays abroad she at the time didn’t have any single friends with dc to go with she would book them then dm would end up paying for them it also gave everyone the impression of a doting rich aunt. She bought dd a horse without discussing it with us first and we ended up looking after her and paying for her upkeep

as they got older she used these to manipulate them. She would tell them everything of dm went to her when they questioned it she would just reply inheritance isn’t guaranteed they even asked dm who told them it was equal between us both. Maybe she was planning this all along

she should of taken her own advice as she’s just had to sell her house. I believe it’s because her interest only mortgage now needs to be paid and she was relying on inheritance to pay it.

we had a sudden unexpected death last week only 45 sudden heart attack and it has got me thinking what a sad situation dsis has caused for nothing they money she helped herself to the equity release she was desperate to do was spent on holidays possibly and cosmetic home improvements it really didn’t need and now it’s sold subject to contract and I believe she is moving into dm house as she’s in a care home so the only people benefiting are the buyers.

@Ladybyrd (and anyone else in this situation). Your situation sounds very similar to mine so my advice is to distance yourself and put up strong boundaries as soon as you can. Try to protect yourself from ending up in my position where your sibling gets all the time/praise/effort/financial help whilst your parents are fit and well but you are expected to come in and do the heavy lifting when they need help themselves.
@Genuineweddingone How is your relationship with your siblings and do they have any DC? Could it be that part of your DM's rationale for claiming to have included your DS in her will is to try to start arguments between you?

Had a rather interesting call from Mum last night. Since I have blocked GB2 on my phone etc I am increasingly getting calls where mum will speak to me but I can hear him in the background complaining or prompting mum with things to say. School holidays start next week and since Dad got ill and mum became to frail to help over a year ago GB2 has had no holiday childcare arranged for his young child. He has made it very clear that he expected me and/or DH to step in (I work flexibly, DH works term time only- arrangements we made when our own DC were small). I have grown used to complaints/aggression etc ramping up in the run up to a school holiday so just let him have his rant and keep saying no. Yesterday as mum was trying to plead his case with me his latest rant showed me how his insane 'logic' works. He was shouting about how when GB1s children were small (nearly 30 years ago) I looked after them one summer (whilst I was at Uni, I was basically forced by our parents to do this). Then when our own DC were small we re-arranged our work so there would be one of us at home in school holidays. So apparently I have 'done my bit' to look after every child in the family other than his DC, which is discriminatory and I should be ashamed of myself. He has complained before about me treating his child as a 'second class citizen' for suggesting they look at holiday clubs etc but it astounded me that he seems to genuinely think that his arguments will eventually make me change my mind. Mum's take on all of this is 'couldn't you just do a little bit- it's not fair really that you are all off enjoying yourselves and he'll have to work from home and look after a little one at the same time'.

Keep on saying no and if he persists in speaking in the background I would stop taking your mother’s calls. He is using her to get back at you and she is beginning to bend to his will saying those things to you. Gb2 truly has a brass neck.

i will now set up a brand spankers new Stately Home thread as this one is getting full. Please now use this new one!.

@awkwardcow I would have zero qualms telling GB2 to look after his own child. In fact I think I’d rather enjoy it. You owe him nothing.

@AttilaTheMeerkat oops - sent before I read that. Will do - thank you.