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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend is like a third child.

123 replies

ContemplativeCarrotBag · 09/09/2025 11:25

I'm unsure what to label this as or do. I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years we dont live together unmarried and no kids together. He has one adult child of 21 who has kids of her own, I have two pre teen children.

He's actually exhausting me right now but I dont know if im feeding it or causing it.

He doesn't listen to me when I want to talk, even about random things like my interests yet he expects me to listen to him. He talks constantly about anything and everything even narrating what he's scrolling on Facebook. I can't even tune it out because he expects me to acknowledge him regularly like that sounds good. Oh wow interesting etc. Or he gets moody. Last night he gave me a literal migraine just talking and when I said I was in pain he huffed and told me im always ill.

He is generally moody too. He has huge opinions about my parenting and criticises me. Like I asked him for help cooking one night because I had a late work meeting. All night was horrible text after another about how he's never doing it again and the kids won't eat etc. I told him if they won't eat to leave it he didn't need to get so mean. (He was fine with the kids it was just me he vented to.)

He's doing it now because I made a decision that he doesn't agree with.

If he ever spends money on me or us. On the very rare occasion. He gets really angry the next month saying hes broke and this is why we dont do anything. I don't even remember him buying me a meaningful gift even at Xmas, he always makes a huge show of being broke and I just say its fine leave it.

He has regular black moods where he's just in another world. Depressed, nasty and spiteful and nothing helps. But the all at once he's fine again. This usually happens once a week if he has a lot on at work.

I'm actually at the point I want to walk away while we have no ties financial or otherwise. Can anyone offer any insight into his behaviour I want to make a last ditch save effort on the relationship. Why does he do these things?

OP posts:
Just3ok · 09/09/2025 11:26

Oh no…. How shit for your children

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 11:27

You leave someone like this alone with your children?

BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop · 09/09/2025 11:27

I don’t think I’d bother, @ContemplativeCarrotBag.
What does he bring to your life that’s positive? If you have to think about it, throw him back.

DowntonCrabby · 09/09/2025 11:29

You don’t need insight or to understand why he’s like this.
You need to put your own and your children’s needs first and leave him.
You deserve better Flowers

Noelshighflyingturds · 09/09/2025 11:29

He sounds like an absolute brat. Get rid of him.

SeaDragon17 · 09/09/2025 11:29

Why do you want to give him another chance? What is he doing to make you think he wants things to be different? Why is this on you? What does he do that improves the lives of you and your children?

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 11:30

Is your toddler his child?

DaisyChain505 · 09/09/2025 11:30

You’ve listen a whole load of inexcusable and negative things. Why would you want to try and save this.

He is who he is, there isn’t going to be some Disney miracle and he’ll wake up one morning and still all of these things.

Stop wasting your life and leave him.

Cutleryclaire · 09/09/2025 11:31

I think you’ve already answered your question. Hopefully the dozens of answers you get will be the validation you need.

You have no major ties to him, he’s a drain rather than a pleasure to be around. So…..

Edenmum2 · 09/09/2025 11:32

So what IS good about this loser?

Libertylawn · 09/09/2025 11:32

What a catch. How about you have a makeover and see can you make yourself more attractive and then he might be nicer?

Libertylawn · 09/09/2025 11:33

Alternatively bin him, make him stay binned and all live happily ever after.

Silverbirchleaf · 09/09/2025 11:34

What does he bring to your life? I think this relationship has run its course.

SkaneTos · 09/09/2025 11:34

You write that he is a grandfather. What is he like with his daughter and grandchildren?

DancingFerret · 09/09/2025 11:34

Thank your lucky stars he's not your husband and walk. He won't improve with age.

Onthebusses · 09/09/2025 11:35

He's a dickhead who think you're desperate enough for male company you will put up with this long-term. The more you put up with it the more you show him you will put up with it and the more he will give you stuff to put up with, perhaps even testing you for his own amusement.

That's the insight.

dodobedo · 09/09/2025 11:37

When was the last time he paid for you to have a plate of food or a bunch of flowers?

Original poster
ContemplativeCarrotBag · 09/09/2025 11:41

SkaneTos · 09/09/2025 11:34

You write that he is a grandfather. What is he like with his daughter and grandchildren?

He is alright with them, they dont see each other much due to geographic constraints.

Also to answer other commenters. He is fine around the kids and I don't leave him alone with them. That was a one off last minute thing.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 09/09/2025 11:42

Why does he do these things? Fuck knows, and who cares? Get him out of your life and away from your children immediately.

Edited to add, also apologise to them for exposing them to such a total dickhead, you don't know what you were thinking and you won't do it again.

Further edit, and don't do it again.

GoldDuster · 09/09/2025 11:44

Libertylawn · 09/09/2025 11:32

What a catch. How about you have a makeover and see can you make yourself more attractive and then he might be nicer?

Are you serious?!

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 11:45

What on earth does this twat add to your life? Why would you want this loser within a million miles of your kids?

Honestly find your self respect and kick him to the kerb. Surely being single is far better than wasting your life on this loser?

jarofstars · 09/09/2025 11:46

My stepdad is like this - my mum has been with him since I was small and he sounds just the same. The black moods, complaining about spending money, the hypocritical expectations. My mum never left him and is still with him now. He's mellowed out a bit now he's older and is almost pleasant to be around, sometimes. But he basically ruined my childhood and he did a lot of damage.

You said that he wasn't moody with your children over tea time, just to you. But they can tell! My stepdad's moods would pollute the entire house, we'd be walking around on eggshells with him just glowering at everyone. Occasionally it even extended to getting hit/things thrown at us.

My mum now lives a really small life. She has no friends. He never wants to go out or do anything. He literally only goes to work or to the local shop. The rest of the time he sits inside looking at rubbish on his computer. My mum has a hard time with my disabled sister and my elderly grandma who has had a stroke. He never helps.

You've got no ties to this man, just leave. Don't do it to your kids and don't do it to yourself. There are men out there who care about what you have to say, who will support you when you're unwell, who will be happy to help you with your children, who will want to buy you thoughtful gifts and make you happy. Don't waste your life with this arsehole.

If you stay with him, you'll just shrink yourself more and more and it will affect the happiness of your kids. Growing up with a parent/parental figure like that SUCKS and I wish my mum had found the strength to leave him.

yeesh · 09/09/2025 11:47

Instead of wondering why he does this you need to be wondering why you put up with it? Sounds utterly miserable

Girlmom35 · 09/09/2025 11:48

You don't need to waste time wondering why he's like this.
He just is.
You're absolutely right not to want to live like this.
Walk away

Loubylie · 09/09/2025 11:49

I don't know why he has spiteful sulky moods. I guess he wasn't like this when you got together. But he's reverted to his normal behaviour now. This is who he is and he's likely to get worse not better as he ages. I would call it a day.