Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend is like a third child.

123 replies

ContemplativeCarrotBag · 09/09/2025 11:25

I'm unsure what to label this as or do. I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years we dont live together unmarried and no kids together. He has one adult child of 21 who has kids of her own, I have two pre teen children.

He's actually exhausting me right now but I dont know if im feeding it or causing it.

He doesn't listen to me when I want to talk, even about random things like my interests yet he expects me to listen to him. He talks constantly about anything and everything even narrating what he's scrolling on Facebook. I can't even tune it out because he expects me to acknowledge him regularly like that sounds good. Oh wow interesting etc. Or he gets moody. Last night he gave me a literal migraine just talking and when I said I was in pain he huffed and told me im always ill.

He is generally moody too. He has huge opinions about my parenting and criticises me. Like I asked him for help cooking one night because I had a late work meeting. All night was horrible text after another about how he's never doing it again and the kids won't eat etc. I told him if they won't eat to leave it he didn't need to get so mean. (He was fine with the kids it was just me he vented to.)

He's doing it now because I made a decision that he doesn't agree with.

If he ever spends money on me or us. On the very rare occasion. He gets really angry the next month saying hes broke and this is why we dont do anything. I don't even remember him buying me a meaningful gift even at Xmas, he always makes a huge show of being broke and I just say its fine leave it.

He has regular black moods where he's just in another world. Depressed, nasty and spiteful and nothing helps. But the all at once he's fine again. This usually happens once a week if he has a lot on at work.

I'm actually at the point I want to walk away while we have no ties financial or otherwise. Can anyone offer any insight into his behaviour I want to make a last ditch save effort on the relationship. Why does he do these things?

OP posts:
jarofstars · 09/09/2025 11:49

Oh, and forgot to mention. This also taught me how relationships should be. So my first boyfriend was ALSO an emotionally abusive twat and I could never see it because I thought that was normal. If you stay with this man, your children will notice how he behaves and will think that's ok. It took me eight years to get out of that relationship!

Newjobnewclothes · 09/09/2025 11:50

Stop it! Stop trying to understand him and fix things. It's a curse.

He's treating you terribly and it's absolutely unforgivable. Would you ever treat anyone the way he is? No. That's all you need to understand.

You don't need him to admit he's done wrong, to understand why you're leaving him or agree with it. Nor do you need to understand his motivations. You just need to leave this toxic relationship. He is abusive to you.

You should also try to find some counselling to help you understand why, when faced with some who is mistreating you, your first instinct isn't to protect yourself and your DC and tell them to fuck off out of your life, but instead go bend over backwards trying to understand them and fix it. I used to be like this. Thankfully I came to my senses, but only after meeting a really nasty bastard who forced me to find my backbone or have my life totally ruined.

Until you work out how to put yourself and your children first, you are very vulnerable to being exploited by arseholes (and worse). You can't change other people, you can only change yourself and your response to them.

Newjobnewclothes · 09/09/2025 11:50

(deleted as posted twice)

Mumof2heroes · 09/09/2025 11:53

It's run its course OP. Leave it there with dignity intact, honestly, being single is way better than this shit.

arcticpandas · 09/09/2025 11:54

What's good about him? He's clearly behaving like a toddler wanting you to give him all the attention but gives none back.

But.. He's also stingy and depressive and puts you down. Why would you want to stay with him? And do you think you're modeling what a healthy relationship should be like to your children?

GoldDuster · 09/09/2025 11:55

jarofstars · 09/09/2025 11:49

Oh, and forgot to mention. This also taught me how relationships should be. So my first boyfriend was ALSO an emotionally abusive twat and I could never see it because I thought that was normal. If you stay with this man, your children will notice how he behaves and will think that's ok. It took me eight years to get out of that relationship!

THIS. If you can't do it for yourself, do it so your DC don't have to watch this shitshow play out with their mother as the star.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/09/2025 11:57

You want to know why he’s horrible to you op? It’s because he wants to.

No further insight needed.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/09/2025 12:00

Why on earth would you want to save it? He's a grandfather, he's not going to change !

MayaPinion · 09/09/2025 12:01

He’s not going to change. It’s up to you what you do with that information. How would you feel if someone told you you’d still be together in 10 years?

Newjobnewclothes · 09/09/2025 12:02

GoldDuster · 09/09/2025 11:55

THIS. If you can't do it for yourself, do it so your DC don't have to watch this shitshow play out with their mother as the star.

Show quote history

Yes, this.

If you can't muster the strength to leave him for you, do it for your DC.

Really important they learn that if someone treats you badly you leave.

Pollqueen · 09/09/2025 12:04

He's a nasty, moody, bad tempered, mean, frugal, selfish twat. That is who is is and why is he like this

CrimsonStoat · 09/09/2025 12:05

I want to make a last ditch save effort on the relationship

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????

He's like this because he's a dick.

cramptramp · 09/09/2025 12:06

He’s horrible. Dump. Now.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/09/2025 12:07

I have no idea why you want to make a last ditch attempt to save the relationship.

You're not married, you don't have kids together, you don't live together, and you clearly don't like him.

There is not a single good reason for you to stay together.

Just dump him and move on.

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2025 12:08

ContemplativeCarrotBag · 09/09/2025 11:25

I'm unsure what to label this as or do. I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years we dont live together unmarried and no kids together. He has one adult child of 21 who has kids of her own, I have two pre teen children.

He's actually exhausting me right now but I dont know if im feeding it or causing it.

He doesn't listen to me when I want to talk, even about random things like my interests yet he expects me to listen to him. He talks constantly about anything and everything even narrating what he's scrolling on Facebook. I can't even tune it out because he expects me to acknowledge him regularly like that sounds good. Oh wow interesting etc. Or he gets moody. Last night he gave me a literal migraine just talking and when I said I was in pain he huffed and told me im always ill.

He is generally moody too. He has huge opinions about my parenting and criticises me. Like I asked him for help cooking one night because I had a late work meeting. All night was horrible text after another about how he's never doing it again and the kids won't eat etc. I told him if they won't eat to leave it he didn't need to get so mean. (He was fine with the kids it was just me he vented to.)

He's doing it now because I made a decision that he doesn't agree with.

If he ever spends money on me or us. On the very rare occasion. He gets really angry the next month saying hes broke and this is why we dont do anything. I don't even remember him buying me a meaningful gift even at Xmas, he always makes a huge show of being broke and I just say its fine leave it.

He has regular black moods where he's just in another world. Depressed, nasty and spiteful and nothing helps. But the all at once he's fine again. This usually happens once a week if he has a lot on at work.

I'm actually at the point I want to walk away while we have no ties financial or otherwise. Can anyone offer any insight into his behaviour I want to make a last ditch save effort on the relationship. Why does he do these things?

Who cares why he does it? Why do you want to be in a relationship with a tight arsed moaner, who doesn’t listen to you and moans all the time?

Get rid, and work on your own self respect.

TightPants · 09/09/2025 12:10

Blimey OP, the bar is set really low with this delightful specimen.
Why are you willing to put up with this behaviour? Are you really that desperate to be with a man?

charlieandthechocolatfactory · 09/09/2025 12:10

Stop leaving your children with him!!!!

Parker231 · 09/09/2025 12:11

ContemplativeCarrotBag · 09/09/2025 11:41

He is alright with them, they dont see each other much due to geographic constraints.

Also to answer other commenters. He is fine around the kids and I don't leave him alone with them. That was a one off last minute thing.

Show quote history

Why are you in a relationship with him?

bumbers1 · 09/09/2025 12:11

Life’s too short for this shit. Bin him off

JadziaD · 09/09/2025 12:12

I truly believe that the message about how marriage is work and requires compromise and understanding etc has gone too far and is now applied to quickly to relationships that frankly, are just pointless in the first place.

You have no financial ties, you don't live togehter, you've been with him for 2 years and he's just awful. Who cares why? There's no need or value in making the effort to work through it. Bin him off and move on.

ChaToilLeam · 09/09/2025 12:14

Why are you even bothering with him? He sounds awful.

Chocja · 09/09/2025 12:14

You need to understand why you are putting up with this for two years. You don’t need to understand him

outerspacepotato · 09/09/2025 12:15

Why is he like this? Because this is who he is. He's a cheap, angry, unpleasant guy who sees you as his girlfriend appliance and complains when you malfunction.

Why would you try again? He's not changing for you.

99bottlesofkombucha · 09/09/2025 12:18

Why is he still there?? This stingy nasty man?

Goldbar · 09/09/2025 12:24

He's leeching your energy and your resources.