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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend is like a third child.

123 replies

ContemplativeCarrotBag · 09/09/2025 11:25

I'm unsure what to label this as or do. I've been with my boyfriend for about 2 years we dont live together unmarried and no kids together. He has one adult child of 21 who has kids of her own, I have two pre teen children.

He's actually exhausting me right now but I dont know if im feeding it or causing it.

He doesn't listen to me when I want to talk, even about random things like my interests yet he expects me to listen to him. He talks constantly about anything and everything even narrating what he's scrolling on Facebook. I can't even tune it out because he expects me to acknowledge him regularly like that sounds good. Oh wow interesting etc. Or he gets moody. Last night he gave me a literal migraine just talking and when I said I was in pain he huffed and told me im always ill.

He is generally moody too. He has huge opinions about my parenting and criticises me. Like I asked him for help cooking one night because I had a late work meeting. All night was horrible text after another about how he's never doing it again and the kids won't eat etc. I told him if they won't eat to leave it he didn't need to get so mean. (He was fine with the kids it was just me he vented to.)

He's doing it now because I made a decision that he doesn't agree with.

If he ever spends money on me or us. On the very rare occasion. He gets really angry the next month saying hes broke and this is why we dont do anything. I don't even remember him buying me a meaningful gift even at Xmas, he always makes a huge show of being broke and I just say its fine leave it.

He has regular black moods where he's just in another world. Depressed, nasty and spiteful and nothing helps. But the all at once he's fine again. This usually happens once a week if he has a lot on at work.

I'm actually at the point I want to walk away while we have no ties financial or otherwise. Can anyone offer any insight into his behaviour I want to make a last ditch save effort on the relationship. Why does he do these things?

OP posts:
MaryMungoMidgley · 09/09/2025 13:33

Ghost him and do it yesterday.
👻

YourOliveBalonz · 09/09/2025 13:39

When I see posts like these that say we don’t live together and don’t have children together, I always think: you don’t have a problem, you have an opportunity!

Life is too short, get rid and enjoy your peace!

KatSlayMoon · 09/09/2025 13:42

Why are you wasting so much time and effort on trying to salvage a dysfunctional relationship? Think what you could achieve if you poured that time and energy into something positive in your life OP, like your career or your children.

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 14:00

ContemplativeCarrotBag · 09/09/2025 11:41

He is alright with them, they dont see each other much due to geographic constraints.

Also to answer other commenters. He is fine around the kids and I don't leave him alone with them. That was a one off last minute thing.

Show quote history

Sure op… you don’t have him around your kids 🙄

Catwalking · 09/09/2025 14:15

As most replies have already said ‘get rid’, I obvs agree, & need add, he really is only going to get worse!

Exhaustedanxious · 09/09/2025 14:19

Insight into his behaviour:
severe ADHD and RSD combined with either childhood trauma or an emotionally abusive/manipulative parent.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2025 14:29

Regardless of why he is the ways he is (and my money is on his parents) OP has a choice re this man and her children do not.

Northquit · 09/09/2025 14:31

Disentangle now.

OhCobblers · 09/09/2025 14:32

Christ OP raise your bloody bar. Ditch this absolute wanker. Thank God you have no ties to him. You should not waste another minute with this pillock and stop subjecting your kids to him and his childlike sulky moods! Can’t believe I’m reading this shit!!

Borgonzola · 09/09/2025 14:37

Why are you with him? You’ve not listed one positive thing about him, so why are you putting yourself and your kids through this?

QueenClinomania · 09/09/2025 14:39

Why do you even want to try to save the relationship?
He sounds awful.

FinallyHere · 09/09/2025 14:39

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Why are you even thinking about giving him another chance.

be glad you don’t live together. Just change the locks and block him.

your life will become so.much.better

IWillNotChange · 09/09/2025 14:42

You know you and your children deserve much better than this, right? Walk away and spend not a minute more trying to understand his behaviour, just put it behind you and move on to a happy life with your children

Borgonzola · 09/09/2025 14:43

No really, reading your post, he:

  • is exhausting
  • doesn’t listen
  • isn’t interested in your opinions
  • talks constantly
  • needs constant validation
  • gets huffy and moody
  • isn’t sympathetic when you’re ill
  • can’t handle looking after children even though he is a parent
  • feels the need to make a stressful time at work harder by sending hateful texts instead of sucking it up or discussing it later like a normal adult
  • doesn’t respect your decision-making despite you being an adult
  • Never spends on you (implication is that you spend on him?) even on important occasions
  • resents when he does spend on you
  • gets ‘really angry’
  • ’’black moods’ ‘depressed, nasty and spiteful’

seriously, why do you want to spend even a breath on saving this relationship? Unless he’s an absolute Viking in the sack, what is the point?

AltitudeCheck · 09/09/2025 15:13

Stop trying to 'fix' him, you want a partner not a project. Seriously, 2 years in, he's showing you who's he is and it's not someone you need in your life!

JurassicPark4Eva · 09/09/2025 15:15

Christ dump him and move on.

ReadingTime · 09/09/2025 15:18

It doesn't matter why he does these things OP. The only thing that matters is working out why you have not already dumped him, and then dumping him.

Really, what's the point of him?

KnitFastDieWarm · 09/09/2025 15:52

Just for comparison @ContemplativeCarrotBag, I’m currently in bed with a migraine and my DP of three years is teaching my DC how to make a roast dinner. I can hear them singing and laughing in the kitchen. He’s not DC’s father, but he sure as hell steps up to the mark.

Last week he gave me a piece of jewellery he’d had designed especially for me that represents something meaningful to us. He pays his way and behaves like a competent adult. He’s kind, funny, considerate, and makes me and DC feel wonderful. That’s how it should be. If it wasn’t, i’d be happily single. Someone like your partner would turn me off so much I suspect my vagina would hermetically seal itself.

You could have this too - I was married to someone like your partner once and leaving as the best thing I ever did. Get out while you can and do yourself and your kids a massive favour.

Sassylovesbooks · 09/09/2025 15:54

Life is too short to be wasting time and energy on this man. He sounds utterly dreadful and emotionally draining. Why are you still with him??!! You don't live together, have no financial ties or children together. It would be the easiest thing in the world to walk away, block and never have to see or hear from him again!! I wouldn't be giving him another chance, I'd be ending the relationship. He's bringing nothing into your life other than criticism, moodiness, nasty behaviour and moaning at you.

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 15:54

KnitFastDieWarm · 09/09/2025 15:52

Just for comparison @ContemplativeCarrotBag, I’m currently in bed with a migraine and my DP of three years is teaching my DC how to make a roast dinner. I can hear them singing and laughing in the kitchen. He’s not DC’s father, but he sure as hell steps up to the mark.

Last week he gave me a piece of jewellery he’d had designed especially for me that represents something meaningful to us. He pays his way and behaves like a competent adult. He’s kind, funny, considerate, and makes me and DC feel wonderful. That’s how it should be. If it wasn’t, i’d be happily single. Someone like your partner would turn me off so much I suspect my vagina would hermetically seal itself.

You could have this too - I was married to someone like your partner once and leaving as the best thing I ever did. Get out while you can and do yourself and your kids a massive favour.

Edited

Get off your phone if you have a migraine fgs!!

KnitFastDieWarm · 09/09/2025 15:56

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 15:54

Get off your phone if you have a migraine fgs!!

Show quote history

haha it’s on its way out, don’t worry 😁i’m in the ‘recovery but not quite at cooking’ stage

rainbowsparkle28 · 09/09/2025 15:58

Seriously just get rid, as you say before you are tied down. Life is too short to put with this kind of rubbish.

LivingWithANob · 09/09/2025 18:34

Lolz, in the bin he goes 👎

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 18:37

LivingWithANob · 09/09/2025 18:34

Lolz, in the bin he goes 👎

Unlikely

DurinsBane · 09/09/2025 19:26

GoldDuster · 09/09/2025 11:42

Why does he do these things? Fuck knows, and who cares? Get him out of your life and away from your children immediately.

Edited to add, also apologise to them for exposing them to such a total dickhead, you don't know what you were thinking and you won't do it again.

Further edit, and don't do it again.

Edited

She’s already said he is fine with the kids

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