Husband is unrecognisable

[phlebasconsidered]

My DH and I have always been different politically. We've managed it- it's fine to have different views. I'm left, he's Tory.

Or, he was. We have two nearly grown kids, 17 and 18. He's recently been spending more time in the back room watching stuff that i've pointed out is insane. You tube, Brit news or whatever that bilge is, I don't know where it came from. He's justifying his views by citing sexual assaults on white girls. He's basically transmogrified into a fucking idiot and I can't believe it.

We used to differ on economics, sure, but now suddenly he's a 53 year old fascist? I can't talk to him. His arguments turn me around. He's been radicalised- I recognise it from experiences in my profession. He says he's going to the march on Saturday. I've told him i'll go on the opposing one.

There's no way forward as far as I can see. As far as I knew he was still a loving family man but now I just see a big arsehole. He just circles around the phrases when I tried to talk to him.

I would just stand my ground and argue back- he's been a good husband and father till now, hitting mid 50s. But i'm in a job where if he goes and protests on Saturday and gets arrested, I will be compromised, asI work with children.

I need to distance myself. I'd really like to know i'm not alone I was hoping it was a bit of a mid life crisis, but I think he's just become a toral cock.

Wtaf am I meant to do. I'd rather he ran off with a younger woman tbh. I feel ashamed of him!

Is it now generally accepted that having any concerns about immigration makes you a “fascist”?

just checking if that is what OP means

Saying that, I have to agree that marching with the BNP would definitely massively concern me!

but you are doing what so many people do which is calling everyone who does not agree with your political view points “fascist” and “stupid”, surely your husband has not lost his IQ and you can discuss political ideas at a more nuanced level? You are writing him off and not even entering into a conversation?

I totally agree, which is why labour need to listen to the people. If stories like @Dappy777 ‘s are happening all over the country then no wonder people are angry. Then to be called racist for feeling this way just pushes them to Reform, who are the only party they feel accepts their view. And Reform would obviously be horrendous for the country.

There is no reason a centre left political party who believes in science, welfare, a meritocracy, human and workers rights, a functioning democracy & reducing inequality can’t also control its borders and reduce immigration to a level it’s citizens are comfortable with. Denmark has managed it.

For some reason, this comment reminded me of a time when I used to work with the (male) spouse of a high profile MP.
I don't know why, but I was honestly shocked at the blatant racist and misogynistic language that routinely came out of his mouth on a daily basis. If you questioned him, he sulked like a little boy, and played the victim.
I was more surprised, as had anyone recorded him - it would have been really bad publicity for his partner.
And had Joe Blogs said the same things, no question they could have been facing charges.
Yet he appeared to have such an arrogant, entitled belief, that because of his partner's high-profile position, he could say exactly what he wanted without repercussion.
One time I walked past while he was talking with other males at work, insulting women, and I had to stop myself from commenting 'are you talking about your wife again'.
But more so, because I wanted to keep my job.

I don't think that most people (the broadly centrist bulk of the UK) think that a concern about immigration makes people fascist.

I think lots of people have been concerned, and given it real (critical) thought.

I think most people recognise the difference between those people and others who have not applied critical thought and concluded that immigration is the key source of the problems in UK 2025.

40% of the summer riot / protesters last year had prior for domestic violence so “we’re doing it for the young British girlsss” doesn’t wash with me.

So sorry for you OP, it must seem like a loss in some ways. I couldn’t cope with it.

I know exactly how you feel, @phlebasconsidered
My former husband is a pilot - first a US Navy pilot and then an airline pilot (when he couldn’t help from sticking it into a stewardess).
While he was in the Navy, out of the blue one day, he told me that he was disappointed that he’d never gotten the opportunity to drop bombs on people and kill them.
He said that he’d trained his entire career for it and was truly disappointed.
And he was sincere.
Offense instead of defense.
He had a gun safe filled with firearms.
He began to scare me.
He was a monster during our divorce.
I have never been so happy to get away from anyone.

Everyone that I know who supports the left believes that anyone who is right wing lacks the ability to think clearly. The fact that you have been to university does not mean that you are a more critical thinker. It means that you spend time reading lots of left wing political articles and then believe that your ability to understand some of the longer words means that your views are more important than his as a school leaving business owner. To be honest, you sound pretty sanctimonious. You have said that your children thankfully are critical thinkers too because they disagree with him. That's just biased.
Have you read up on the immigration figures/govt policies etc on a fact checker site? They are very neutral and provide information in a factual way without a political slant. I would highly recommend that over any newspaper today on online/YouTube reporting. That could be something that you both look into.
Your husband is perfectly entitled to go on a march. You don't get to silence him. That is undemocratic. If you wish to go on a counter demonstration, that is also your choice. It's unfair of you to try and apply emotional pressure by citing your job. The chances of him getting arrested are extremely small unless he is deliberately planning on causing trouble and rioting, in which case you would be justified to leave him.
Honestly, it's the intolerance towards other views, particularly against the right that pushes people to dig in further or become more extreme in their views. Meeting them half way, listening to and not dismissing their concerns and then gently presenting your own carefully considered case is the best way to try and get them to also see and understand your view point. I'm apolitical and don't support any party. The inability of either side to listen in an impartial way to the other side drives me absolutely bonkers. Everyone just wants to be right today. I personally love being wrong, because it means that I have learned something new and had a decent conversation.

Thank you for this^

That’s not what I said - I asked how can you think they don’t tend to hold racist views?

@phlebasconsidered
I think a dramatic change in personal and political values is as good a reason to end a marriage as any other change in behaviour. The person you married is no longer there, and if you do not like this new person, or want to be married to them, then obviously your wholehearted consent has gone.

What you say about your work has to take priority. Being a woman in your 50's is an extremely vulnerable time to have your employment threatened. It can be a nightmare to reestablish yourself after a disruption. Please do not let loyalty to who your husband used to be threaten your ability to support yourself and provide for your own thriving future.

(For me, the ignorance and lack of critical thinking would obliterate any attraction or respect, plus revulsion at hateful views, and it's all over.)

You sound very uninformed op

That’s was a good story, thanks for that.

I haven't read the whole thread, but in your OP you come across as very prejudiced yourself against your DH. It's like the distance or the disconnection was already there, and you are using ideology/politics to justify it.
Sad situation. I hope you can find each other again.

@DreamTheMoors oh my god, that sounds horrifying. I’m glad you got away from him.

In the most recent race riots 47 out of 151 people arrested had prior convictions for domestic abuse.

In the race riots in Northern Ireland recently, almost half the rioters, 48%, had prior convictions for domestic abuse.

A quarter of all of the Reform members of parliament have convictions for domestic abuse.

These are the scumbags that you're standing shoulder to shoulder with. It's not about protecting women at all really. Just call it what it is. Racism. Violence. Fascism.

Honestly, this is the third thread this week about wives who have discovered their husband is a secret ‘fascist’. Not buying it.

It’s totally true that a party can sensibly manage immigration while also having centre left policies- I think many people would like that- I think full open borders thinking is a minority viewpoint even on the left.

It’s a pity that what Labour are doing instead of making any kind of reasoned case is running about like headless chickens saying mad things about their houses being full of flags and apparently totally legitimising the Farage narrative instead of forging their own. Really sad and embarrassing for them to be coming off like Katie Hopkins and trying to out reform reform.

in general the whole atmosphere at the moment is dire in this country

Unfortunately many of the people responding are subject to the same influences as your DH. It's really worrying. I've been on Mumsnet for 16 years now and have seen a huge change recently, perhaps the last 6 months, I'm not sure exactly. People coming out with such hate, paranoia, misinformation. It's so widespread that I am genuinely worried for the future. I don't know how to counter it. You can see on this thread common responses to opposition to these type of views that your DH holds, that we are elitist, blind, privileged etc. All the really common views one sees in populist fascist movements through history. In my worst moments I think it is too late, we will have to live through it all once again. I am so worried about the state of the world, not just the UK.

People can arrive at their opinion without the influence of a political hero. The person you quoted didn’t mention any political hero or figurehead. This is another thing I see from the left is a denial that people who think differently have arrived at their opinion in the same way they have. They must have just been told what to think by some politician or pundit.

Putting fascist in inverted commas is silly when the organisers of the current protests are indeed out and out fascists

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Why is it a wild take? Why are you drawing the line at racism while also being “yeah, xenophobic is fine” when they go hand in hand? People can be (and often are) both.

I could not live with someone who has fascist and xenophobic views & is a supporter of people like Tommy Robinson or Farage.

Because this is not about having different political views, it is about common decency...

I would go a bit further back even and say this has been coming since about 2010- softly at first but noticeably on here. It was suddenly becoming ok to come out with subtle racism that would not have been allowed to fly a few years earlier.

My DH is similar, I find him full of hatred to almost anyone else.