Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument over a £1

1000 replies

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 08:57

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

OP posts:
namechangedforvalidreasons · 30/08/2025 09:13

Is this the first time he’s mentioned all these resentments? Like, did the tirade come out of a clear blue sky? Any chance it could be the The Script?

I’d say if you think no, sounds like he might need counselling. Assuming you want to save anything. They don’t recommend joint counselling where there’s abuse. ‘Jumped up bitch,’ lot of people would not tolerate. It sounds like there’s been resentment boiling for a long time. And perhaps he needs to think about whether he could forgive you for real rather than pretending to .

WhyAmISoReal · 30/08/2025 09:13

People are going to ask what you mean by your "attempts to help your friend" but basically if he's calling you a bitch it's over.

Please make plans to leave. This isn't loving behaviour.

Original poster
ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 09:30

WhyAmISoReal · 30/08/2025 09:13

People are going to ask what you mean by your "attempts to help your friend" but basically if he's calling you a bitch it's over.

Please make plans to leave. This isn't loving behaviour.

I borrowed money to help my friend, but she couldn't repay me and I couldn't repay the bank.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 09:33

namechangedforvalidreasons · 30/08/2025 09:13

Is this the first time he’s mentioned all these resentments? Like, did the tirade come out of a clear blue sky? Any chance it could be the The Script?

I’d say if you think no, sounds like he might need counselling. Assuming you want to save anything. They don’t recommend joint counselling where there’s abuse. ‘Jumped up bitch,’ lot of people would not tolerate. It sounds like there’s been resentment boiling for a long time. And perhaps he needs to think about whether he could forgive you for real rather than pretending to .

He has mentioned these from time to time in the past but nothing more than a glancing comment. The viciousness of his comments shocked me; he has never said anything like this before.

OP posts:
ItsOnlyHobnobs · 30/08/2025 09:37

This sounds like a very difficult situation.

He shouldn’t be abusive, if he can’t forgive he should leave.

I’d find it very difficult to overcome the financial loss though. Are you still friends with this person? Was he 100% on board at the time?

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 09:38

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 08:57

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

Oh my goodness, what a tough position you must have been in at the time.

I can understand why he felt frustrated at the time. At the same time, he does need to work through those feelings.

That is a tricky conversation to have with him.

You know your husband, so you know how he works. If my husband unexpectedly had an outpouring of emotion, I know he would need time to process it before I spoke to him.

When I had given him that time, I would want to ask him if he was okay and if anything had happened recently that I wasn’t aware of. Could he possibly be feeling worried about money? Or have been working on financial planning for your family’s future?

I would be prepared to listen and in the moment absorb some frustration or anger. He needs to express it (as long as healthily) .

I would then make sure that I was very clear that the situation in the past was something you could not change and that you felt it was unhelpful to your relationship today to continue to reference it.

Comedycook · 30/08/2025 09:41

He shouldn't have been so unpleasant to you but quite honestly I can see why he's pissed off. Did he try to stop you at the time when you were helping them?

AnnaSunshine · 30/08/2025 09:43

I should say, he obviously shouldn’t show you the contempt that he did. At the same time, I think in relationships we all get in wrong occasionally. From what you’ve said this is a one off?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 30/08/2025 09:48

How much money are we talking?

I honestly think if a man had forced his wife to sell her house to fix his financial issues everyone would be screaming LTB.

RogerR4bbit · 30/08/2025 09:52

He was abusive to you, which is never acceptable.

But, that said, you ruined the financial future of your family and your DC for a using, non-friend who was willing to put you in debt to save her own situation. If you did that without your H’s agreement, or against his wishes, forcing him to bail you out be selling his inheritance, I can see why he’s angry.

To be honest, if you created the debt, you shouldn’t have been a SAHM, you should have gone back to work in order to pay off the debt.

Lending money is essentially gambling, you should never lend/bet what you can’t afford to lose. You were naive and your naivety affected your whole family negatively, so I can see why he (& possibly in the future your children) would be angry about it.

Have you had marriage counselling?

butterdish93 · 30/08/2025 09:52

I can see why he’s incredibly upset and resentful.
he shouldn’t call you names though.
its Unclear if he’ll be able to move on from this. It’s had monumental repercussions for your life that could have been avoided if you’d not prioritised a friend

sourdoughtoastisthebest · 30/08/2025 09:52

If it was his property, surely he consented to borrow money against it? Not sure why it’s 100% your fault?

The bigger issue is the fact he’s calling you such nasty names. There’s no excuse for that.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 30/08/2025 09:54

sourdoughtoastisthebest · 30/08/2025 09:52

If it was his property, surely he consented to borrow money against it? Not sure why it’s 100% your fault?

The bigger issue is the fact he’s calling you such nasty names. There’s no excuse for that.

I don’t think she borrowed money against the property?

It reads like she lent her friend money, it wasn’t repaid and they had to sell the house to cover the debt?

bunnypenny · 30/08/2025 09:54

Did he know you borrowed money for your friend?

ViciousCurrentBun · 30/08/2025 09:56

I hate the word bitch being used it’s completely unacceptable.

If you took out a loan at the time without his knowledge, if I had been him I would have divorced you on the spot.

There is zero tough position on giving loans to friends, you don’t do it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/08/2025 09:57

It sounds as though you need some form of couples counselling to work through the underlying resentment and how to move past it. I can see his perspective, I’d divorce DH in a shot if I’d had to sell my house because he’d been so stupid as to take out a loan to give money to an unreliable friend and then needed me to bail him out. But your DH didn’t choose to do that, he chose to stay and that ultimately means he made a commitment to put it in the past. If he doesn’t feel able to do that then he needs to acknowledge that and decide whether divorcing now is the better route.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 30/08/2025 09:59

This sounds like the straw that broke the camel’s back.

you went into debt for what I’d hope is your now ex friend, she didn’t pay you back, and because of that your DH had to sell his property?

can just imagine this the other way round.

Anyone who borrows money to give to someone who clearly already struggles to manage money is an idiot.

InALonelyWorld · 30/08/2025 09:59

Your DH has no right to talk to you the way he did but it is understandable he feels contempt. He's obviously been letting this simmer for years and just exploded.

Has your friend not paid anything back at all? You said this was years ago so surely her financial situation should have improved somewhat and she'd have been able to pay something back, if not all.

It sounds like a considerable amount of money that you helped her out with, I really hope its not a debt you have just written off because I, too, would be raging. This is why I agree when mn posters say to keep your own assets secure, because in reality your DH had to get rid of a house he purchased to bail out a mistake you made helping your friend. And in that time he lost a hefty profit.

HenDoNot · 30/08/2025 09:59

You helped your friend financially to the tune of your husband to sell a house to pay off your bank loan?
Wow!

He’s put a premium product in the shopping trolley and you’ve come along and swapped it for a
store brand to save £1?
Again… Wow! I mean, there’s a massive horses arse disappearing over the horizon there.

Original poster
ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 10:02

Comedycook · 30/08/2025 09:41

He shouldn't have been so unpleasant to you but quite honestly I can see why he's pissed off. Did he try to stop you at the time when you were helping them?

He didn't want to lend them anything. His logic was that people who get into money troubles are never able to resolve them.

OP posts:
McSpoot · 30/08/2025 10:03

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 10:02

He didn't want to lend them anything. His logic was that people who get into money troubles are never able to resolve them.

Show quote history

And he was proved correct.

PInkyStarfish · 30/08/2025 10:03

He was wrong to let his feelings fester for so long over your idiotic misuse of money resulting in him telling you that he holds you in utter contempt.

You won’t be a law go overcome this as he will forever be angry at how stupid you were and you can’t be trusted not to ever do something like this again, robbing your children of money that could be used for the family.

sonjadog · 30/08/2025 10:03

It sounds like you need counselling to get past this, or maybe this has shown that your DH can't move on from what you did. Honestly, I don't think I would be able to forgive you if I was in his position, but I understand why he has tried when you have children together. He is obviously still massively resentful. Maybe a counsellor can help him overcome this and you to move on or if not, break up.

BlondeFool · 30/08/2025 10:03

He had to sell his flat to bail you out. I’d have divorced you.

SunnieShine · 30/08/2025 10:04

Well, it wasn't an argument over £1, was it?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.