Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

I don’t think that’s what happened. She lent some money from the bank to lend to her friend, friend couldn’t pay her back, op then couldn’t pay the bank back so her DH sold the house so op could pay the bank.

He shouldn’t have called her the things he did, some resentment is obviously there from him and it came out wrong. I get why he’s angry though tbh. OP should never of lent her friend any money

This explains the sequence of events. It was a personal loan, not a loan against the house.

No, that’s what I was thinking. While name calling is never acceptable, I can totally understand why he’s so angry. Particularly if he wasn’t on board. OP has ridden roughshod over their financial security. I’d be raging.

Well, he was right, wasn’t he?

I would have divorced you in his shoes.

How much did you borrow? To have to sell a London flat to cover it is INSANE. Did your friend keep her home?

Exactly
He obviously resents what you did and who could blame him.
Maybe you can move forward, have you thoroughly discussed it? You don't seem very sorry on here and/or take responsibility for what you did
He may always feel like this and maybe your marriage is over

I’m going to echo what someone else has mentioned - it could be the start of The Script.

Has his demeanour changed at all lately? Longer work hours, new gym, mentionitis about someone at work?

Of course he has every right to be pissed off about having to sell the house to pay off your debt, but presumably at the time he consented to that? To bring it up with such vitriol years later seems odd.

Without knowing the amount of money and the details of how it came to be that selling the house was the solution, it’s difficult to know. But my instinct is that this isn’t about the house or the debt, its him rewriting history to justify some misbehaviour.

Sounds like despite your DH concerns and opinions you went against him and lent the borrowed money and now the gift from his parents has now gone. I can see it from his point of view. If my DH did this to me I would have left him. This is not an argument about £1, as per the title of your post, and by claiming so you don’t appear to have grasped the severity of the situation.

Oof this is a difficult one. I would find it very difficult also to have had to sell an investment to pay off a debt needlessly incurred by my partner (unless I had agreed to the loan in the first place - did he?). However his language is not ok. Could you see this crisis as an opportunity? At least he has finally been honest about how he feels - which gives an opportunity for a more open and honest relationship? If he has never name called before might counselling help? Of course if he has form for verbal abuse perhaps it’s time to call it a day.

OP, I’m afraid I would have been fuming if your misplaced kindness in the face of your DH’s unwillingness to help your friends had led to his having to sell a property, and especially if you as a family are a bit short of money, I can understand your DH’s festering resentment. It’s all very well wanting to be kind, but you clearly couldn’t afford it. Borrowing money to give it away is, as you have discovered, lunacy - but it didn’t just affect you. How on earth did your in-laws react at the time? All this does not excuse your DH calling you a “jumped up bitch” - but you do need to talk to him to find out how you can move on from this. Are you still a SAHM? In what way does he think you “diminish his role and magnify yours”? There seem to be a number of unresolved issues here - maybe seek counselling?

Yeah, I think the relationship is over. I am sorry but I think he has never forgiven or forgotten what happened. He has carried that resentment for years and something triggered it now. Are the kids if an age now where he thinks you can split?

It’s not an Argument over a pound though is it?
It’s an argument over maybe a million pounds.
He probably keeps checking how much the house he bought with an inheritance is worth now and it makes him seethe about how much as a family you have lost.
When he’s calmed down, tell him that you are full of remorse about your rash decision but don’t know what you can do about it and see if he is willing to try Couples Councilling, or does he want a divorce from you as you can’t live knowing how much resentment he has towards you.

I agree with this. Your marriage was in trouble the moment you ignored your husband's misgivings about lending money to your friend. It's just dying a slow death and things are going to get worse.

This.

He has become anxious about his job and financial security. That's the only difference I've seen in the past 6 months.

Exactly. It's about tens of £1000s and the gift of property from his parents. I can see why he's angry but calling you a bitch is not acceptable.

do you work?

You definitely should have gone back to work to make up a bit for the money you lost

So have your friends tried to repay you? Did you have a formal agreement with them? Have you sued them if they haven't repaid.

I can see why your husband is angry about having to sell his home to bail you out and I suspect from time to time it bothers him still and then when you swap out something he wants to save pennies it irks him.

Why om earth did you risk your own financial security to help a friend?

Obviously he shouldn’t be unpleasant or horrible to you. But it must have been a significant amount of money, and I would be livid if DH did this. I’d probably divorce him.

Unfortunately I can see why he’s pissed off and people do call each other names in a relationship at times. I don’t think it’s the end of the world.

It’s something he’s going to have to get over or at least brush to the side. It’s happened and nothing can change that.

He must be pretty resentful, but nothing can be done now. All you can do is apologise for the situation and let him know how much you regret it.

Are you still friends with the woman?

Which is magnifying the fact that if you hadn't fucked up you would have more financial security

You glossed over what you did in the OP and were blase about your 'attempts to help not working out'.
You haven't answered anyone who asked if you're still friends with the person you gave this money to.
Your husband took a huge financial hit because of your irresponsible behaviour which he disagreed with to begin with.
Making decisions like this without the agreement of your spouse shows massive disrespect, when (clearly) they will also be impacted if it goes wrong.
Despite being the person who caused the situation you still decided to be a SAHM placing the responsibility for maintaining the family financially onto him.
He's now facing job insecurity and probably thinking that if that situation hadn't occured he'd have a something to fall back on and any resentment he'd previously suppressed has come to the fore.

It's not about £1 is it. It's about you being extraordinarily selfish and irresponsible.
I'm surprised he didn't divorce you at the time.

Unfortunately I can see why he’s pissed off and people do call each other names in a relationship at times.

If my partner called me a bitch in the way OP's has, I would leave. I am surprised that so many people think this is acceptable.

The financial situation sounds very stressful and without knowing the ins and outs of who agreed to what, I would also not be with someone who gave our money away like this. With shared finances you need to be on the same wavelength.

You definitely should have gone back to work to make up a bit for the money you lost
That would only work if her salary exceeded childcare costs though. Many people pay to work especially with more than one kid in childcare.