Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

Yes.

Id have left OP ( if this was a unilateral decision)

Ive had shit likd this pulled on me and then been told that somehow it was my fault for their decision.

disd you not read the thread? The OP made a big unsecured loan to a friend. Her husband didn't agree but she did it anyway. This put them into a situation where his inherited house had to be sold to cover the loss of the loan. This would heve been bad enough but the house was in an area of London that got gentrified and the house value rose massively after he had to sell it.

If I were OP I'd have been moving heaven and earth since this happened to make or get that money back somehow.

And do you realise you’d put your own family much closer to the same happening?

You got HIS house repossessed/sold because you took a mortgage/loan to give to someone and never got it paid back?

You literally gave away his inheritance,

Its not about £1, that is absolutely a major thing most people don't get over. You financial used and abused him.

Yup.

How much did you lend them?

Incredibly disingenuous - this is the shit men usually pull “ I can't belueve you’re arguing over insert ridiculous reason here whrn they know full well they're lying.

It’s interesting that OP hasn’t come back to address any of the comments about whether she works or the amounts of money involved.

If I was your husband I would have left you then. No wonder his anger and resentment has been simmering along all this time, it was bound to come out sooner or later. And I’d have had some other words to describe you than just bitch.

So YOUR friend was in financial trouble. Your husband advised you not to help financially, and categorically said he did not want to give them money. You took out a loan to give them which you could not pay back, which indicates you did not have the financial means to be lending money to people. This is beyond stupid! You poor husband then had to sell HIS house that HE bought with money from HIS parents. Regardless of how much the property would have increased in value, this is not on. You made a stupid decision on your own and the consequences were all on your husband. I feel sorry for him. I assume he lost all respect for you then, I certainly would have.

I'm afraid he was correct in this instance, wasn't he!? Although plenty of people do also get into financial difficulties through no fault of their own too and that needs to be acknowledged.

I don't agree with how he has spoken to you, but I can absolutely see why he is so pissed off and resentful. So can you, I assume. You made a dick move taking out the loan to lend the money even though you had kind intentions towards your friend (who I wouldn't view as it friend, by the way). You've had your fingers burnt well and truly and he probably despaired and lost some respect for you then.

I don't know whether the situation is recoverable or not. I suppose you could try counselling but there is no guarantee of success. It's questionable at best.

I guess your going to have to suck up what he wants tot spend money on
as he’s obviously got a lot of resentment towards you for losing the family so much money

so if he puts a premium product in the trolley I think you’re going to have it accept it

thejn you’ve gotta have a big chat and see if he can really forgive and move past it to if that’s the end

Neither is borrowing life changing amounts of money without the agreement of your spouse with the resulting plunging you into financial insecurity.

If my DH did that and I called him a bastard it would be the very least of my choice words for him!

This. The OP has screwed him over financially by playing Lady Bountiful to a sponger and then carried on letting him bankroll her.

His language is obviously unacceptable but I can’t believe he’s actually stayed married to her after what she did and has continued to do.

You made an unbelievably stupid and ill thought out decision.

You gambled your family finances, which you weren't contributing to, to help someone with a clearly bad financial record.

There was no why on earth that you wasn't going to cost you.

I would have divorced you if you wouldn't have seen sense at the time.

That said, while his anger is understandable, it's not excusable.

If I were you, I would get marraige counselling as it seems like you guys will never resolve this alone if even at all.

Did your husband know you were taking out the loan at the time?

How much money did you lend them and how long ago was it?

If my husband took out a personal loan to help someone else against my wishes and we ended up having to sell our home as a result, I'm not sure I would be able to get over it. It might well be a marriage ending betrayal for me.

But I think if you decide to stay married to someone in those circumstances, you have to make your peace with it and not suddenly bring it up decades later. Otherwise, what was the point in staying together?

Have you ever had any marriage counselling?

What does "The Script" mean in this context, please?

Yes, I agree that this is about present day financial worries. No need to suggest an affair.

How He’s behaving is appalling and he’s obviously holding a long term gripe
TBH I don’t know how I’d get over your fuckwittery regard this it has long term
consequences. Shopping basics rangecwatching the pennies because of your stupidity and or attempt save someone
You foolishly borrowed money to try save your besties and you all lost. They remained skint and then you had an outstanding bank debt.

Sounds like he is really worried about job/finance and he’s reliving the feelings from the house having to be sold to kind of fix the mess from years ago. He is probably thinking he could leave work and it wouldn’t be a problem to do that if he hadn’t had to sell the house as he could use the proceeds now. He likely feels that if you had been working wouldn’t have had to sell up. His treatment of you was clearly wrong but he has obviously buried it, which as we know is never a good idea and now he feels trapped in the work situation. It does need discussion/resolution/forgiveness maybe with professional help, if you both want to carry on.

Not excusing his tirade but trying to unpick it @ForGentleBeaker

Totally agree with this , I’m not sure why this chap has hung around , I’d have left you at the time . You are untrustworthy, not a good thing in a relationship .

OP I don't think I could have forgiven you for that. You chose to do something huge that affected both of you without his consent. You wanted to be a fairy godmother for your friend but you weren't thinking about your husband.

They are not friends. Perhaps they are chancers, and with hindsight you now know that you threw good money after bad, with little chance of getting it back.

I guess/hope you won't make that mistake again but it was a hugely expensive one. If I were your DH I think I would still bear some regret and resentment. He might be less stressed about potentially losing his job now if he still had his original and very wise investment of the house to fall back on, but because of your naïvety it is not there any more.

Your DH is wrong to be rude and aggressive to you, but what you did to him was pretty awful, though not ill-intentioned. The two of you obviously have shared finances and you ran up a debt without any security except the hope that your friend who was already in financial trouble, would somehow manage to pay you back. It could help to have some couples counselling to work out how you can move forward together after this, or it it's not possible, how to separate.