Partner living a double life for 3 years

[Kay3345]

I’m looking for some advice as I’m too embarrassed to speak to my friends about my situation…

I met a guy online dating 3 years ago. He was perfect for me, funny, intelligent, professional, sensitive, and seeming wanted the same things as me for the future. We clicked immediately, met up, and fell madly in love. He is older than me, I’m 30 he is 44, but it never seemed an issue for us. He has no prior children and no ex wife. He claimed to have never settled down because work previously always took him out of the country. We have had a lovely relationship, filled with happy times and fantastic memories. We have always got on so well. We’d had a few petty disagreements, but nothing heated and never any arguments. He tells me all the time how attractive he finds me, how happy I make him, how lucky he feels to be with me, how I’m by far the best women he has ever been with, everything a women would want to hear! I get on well with his family, support him in his career, cater to his every need. Our sex life has always been good and regular.

Fast forward to now, we have a 6 month old baby together and I’ve recently found out he has been sleeping with 3 other women the whole time we have been together. He met them a long time before he met me, 7+ years. He met them semi-regularly for sex and messages them all daily when at work. He met them all on an escort website and pays for all interactions with them, physical and electronic. Despite them being escorts, he is very clearly emotionally attached to them, and has explained to me that their relationships were “special” and that he had a laugh with them and a friendship. He cares deeply for them and has even suggested to them in the past about beginning a relationship with him. He was also still on multiple dating sites, regularly reaching out to local women by sending them an explicit picture of himself to spark conversation - as to whether or not he has also met with these women for sex is unknown, but I suspect he was. I have found two phones hidden in the house which are filled with 20,000+ explicit pictures and videos of other women, and approximately 50 videos of him having sex with escorts. I know now that he would transfer the content from his everyday phone to these phones so I would never find it.

Since finding out, he has blocked the three escort women, I have deleted his dating profiles, the ones I know about anyway, and he claims to not be doing anything unfaithful anymore. He claims he wants to be with me and our baby, and that he was just in a really bad habit and in too deep, and that by me finding out about his dirty secret, it has helped him stop that lifestyle. He has given up his job and agreed to re-locate to a new area by the end of this year, so we can start afresh away from these women who all currently live within 10 minutes of us.

The problem is, it has completely broken me. I don’t know if I should trust him anymore or if I should stay with him. My mind tells me to run, but the fact I love him, and worry about what will become of him if I leave, is currently making me stay. His family would be devastated, and our baby will grow up without her father around, because I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself if I were to leave.

Can men like this change?
Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them?
Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out?

I’m very lost and very torn.

He could stop seeing them when he met you, you were already fulfilling his emotional and sexual needs, you are his partner! Why to keep hiring escorts? If he didn't stop in these last years not even when you were carrying his baby I don't think he will never stop. Leave him .

He is only sorry he got caught. He’s been doing it for years, it won’t change, even if you move away. You would be making a mistake to forgive him. A one off drunken fumble may constitute an accident (also enough to leave) but this is a whole new level.

If you currently live near your family, do not move away from them to start over with him. It will happen again and then you will be stuck miles away from them without their physical support.

Bless you, please don’t think I’m patronising you but you really need to wake up.

You do not have to live with this. You’re worth more than that.

escort = prostitute.

Your partner is shagging prostitutes. These prostitutes are shagging other men and those other men are shagging other prostitutes. does he sprinkle STD medicine into your food too because if you’ve not caught something from him when you’re seemingly still also shagging him is a miracle.

People make mistakes and can change, but this isn’t a mistake and even if he has elbowed his current harem of whores, at some point in the future he’ll be shagging another one. It’s too easy for him and he knows you’ll whinge a bit but will forgive him.

When you leave him he will fall straight back into the arms of the escorts which is where he really wants to be. You are his beard, the outward sign of his respectability while the real him is hidden. You do not love him, you love a fantasy that he created for you. Now you must grieve the passing of the fantasy. For the sake of your child you need to end the relationship with this man who is a lying fucking creep. He will never change.

I don’t know if I should trust him anymore No you shouldn't, why would you???

or if I should stay with him. No you shouldn't, why would you???

I have doubts he would prioritise her over himself No, he wouldn't. He's fundamentally as self centred as it gets.

Can men like this change? No, not ones like this. Its ingrained in him. Its why he never had a proper relationship before you, and why he then went for someone younger and naive.

Can you cheat on someone in this way and still love them? No, they don't love anyone but themselves.

Is it plausible that he was caught up in a cycle with these women and didn’t know how to get out? No, its not plausible. The prostitutes weren't holding a gun to his head and demanding he had sex with them. He literally went to them and paid them to have sex with him. This was a choice he made over and over and over. He could've stopped, but he didn't want to. He'll also do it again. Sex workers are located everywhere. Moving won't stop him.

LEAVE!

Please listen to this as this is absolutely correct he will try to win you back, you say he has 20000 images of porn, probably most of those images are of women who were unwilling or were being raped or didnt give consent to sex etc etc , you have found out who he is and thank god for that as now you can leave, you also have no idea what kind of porn he is looking at, you will never know if he has looked at images of under 16, i would also get a claires law done just to see if anything comes up, and he has always treated women like this not just you and he will in the future, and sorry to say this but he is having sex probably without a condom with sex workers who are having sex with many many men and then he is sleeping with you,

Man reading your post, so sorry for you. Thing is as I'm sure a lot of others will tell you, this level of betrayal and duplicity is going to be very hard for you to get past - and given his form, it's highly likely to happen again.

Its not going to be a good situation bringing up a child, and moving, is moving taking you away from your support networks?

You are still young, your baby is small so won't be impacted by a break up - there are loads of nice chaps out there amongst the jerks - and you don't need the poison of suspicion and mis-trust.

Another poster upthread makes the important point, these are prostitutes, not romantic affairs, he can do this again with another prostitute in your new location - its not like moving out of range of a romantic liason.

I was cheated on, it hurt like hell, it still stings and it was painful to walk away - but its such a betrayal - I'm not a fan of LTB for this and that, but in this case, LTB, break free, rebuild, its not going to work.

This is absolutely unforgivable.. understand you are in complete fog right now.
You have to really look at what you have found this man to be doing behind your back for so long and his little girl.
Think of it this way if this was your daughter asking you mum what should I do would you seriously tell her to stay he won't do that again .
He will always do this it's what he desires it's in him .
Have respect for you and walk away for good.
I don't know how you could ever let him near you it will never be the same again.

For your whole relationship you have been all in, committed, faithful, enjoying him exclusively, future focussed, honest and loving. He has been from day one lying to you, disrespecting his commitment, getting off on having a secret life, spending hours a day deceiving you and planning how to hide it. During every happy memory he has been sending prostitutes messages and later fucking them while you carried his daughter. You have not both been in the same relationship and now you have realised this he wants to pretend to you he can be the person you thought you were committed to, who has never actually existed and never will exist. This is all devastating but you need to leave this man today, right now. He is not safe, you don’t know him. Go to where you feel safe and rebuild from there, with your daughter. Do not allow this to drag on for years because he will not change and you will simply have more misery and heartbreak. You are young, you are strong and loving and caring. Get out, save your life and your daughter’s life. Fuck him he has never been the person you committed to, he is your enemy. Please please choose yourself and your child.

RUN

LTB

Save yourself and your baby from future heartache.

You can do better, you deserve better.

He will 100% do it again as he will be addicted to the ‘thrill’ feeling (you as his secure, loving partner will never give him that thrill).

You need to get away from him now.

Even if you did stay together you wouldn’t trust him and your life would never be the same- righty so as it’s only a matter of time.

normally on threads like this where a man maybe had to much to drink and cheated I wouldn’t rush to say leave him because we can all make mistakes and I honestly think it’s best for children if they can stay in a stable home with both parents but in this case it is a no. The fact you said he wouldn’t prioritise his child over himself maybe even worse than him being a vile pervert. I would be gone.

How will you ever be able to believe a pathological liar. Every phone call, every text, every time he's on his phone, every time he leaves the house you will feel sick with worry. Serial cheater always reoffend. It's no way to live OP. You will be in constant fight/flight. Never mind how absolutely appalling he has treated the mother of his child and probably all while you were pregnant too. It's obviously up to you OP and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You are still young. Don't waste any more time on this man. Sociopaths are always charming.

No - a man that this used to using prostitutes or cheating won't change. He's just too much of a liability OP. Don't take that kind of risk with your health.

Think of your child as they grow up. Are you going to be able to keep turning a blind eye and maintaining the facade of something that doesn’t exist? Really, your choice in staying with this man is having to allow him to continue with what’s he’s doing and keeping his secrets for him. He is a sex addict, which means his capacity to change is very limited. I’d only be slightly interested in saving a relationship like that if of his own volition he registered into an addiction facility and had extensive work.

My relative was married to a sex addict and she too tried hard to save her marriage but the addiction was too strong and he continued with his unfaithfulness with prostitutes despite saying all the right things. Her kids were eventually exposed to his ways with difficult consequences.

This man is deeply sick my dear. Incurable sick

Honestly, I'm sure it's been said, but you have a child together.
Do you want this to be the kind of relationship that she seeks when she is older? How would you feel if he was the kind of man that she settled for?

I also want to remind you, this man is one step from a rapist. He is happy to have sex with women who have only consented for money.... imagine being so desensitised, that you don't care the person you're pumping away at, doesn't want to fuck you, doesn't like, fancy or know you, but is doing so for money. Its not really a free choice. And he's done that to/with 50+ women?

And he's also snagging around in your local area? So you could be taking your DD to nursery and there could be somewhere there that he's shagged from his dating websites? You could be in the school playground and there could be women there who he's slept with during your relationship?

He's undermining your child's entire family life and taking you for an absolute fool.

Don't act like deleting his profiles and moving away from the women will fix the problem.
The problem is him, this behaviour won't change.
He will find prostitutes anywhere, he will join dating websites anywhere. He will lie about anything.

Do you want this for you and your DD?

I am sorry this has happened to you and your baby. I would like you to consider if this behaviour is not enough to leave him how far would would you let him go before you left? This is one of the worst betrayals I have heard about.💕

This is such an excellent summary 👏 OP I’m so sorry, but I agree that 20k photos on separate burner phones feels very different to a “mistake”. I really hope you’re okay and that you have the support you need around you xx

Hi OP,

I didn't want to read and run....I'm not sure what to say apart from your whole life surely has turned upside down.

In order to not be influenced by him or make decisions in the moment, I would encourage that you separate for a time. Not necessarily with reconciliation or divorce as the ultimate goal but simple because you deserve some space and peace. You will need to take time to process it all and not to have him in your face or your head or your phone saying how sorry he is, he won't do it again and can't bare to lose you etc. You deserve that at least.

Get away and take a break and time for yourself and your little one. If you need 6 months or whatever, tell him YOU will be in touch and for him not to breach that boundary.

He truly has done a lot of damage here and you deserve at least some peace whilst you get your head clearer.

Big hug x

Thank you for the response and support, it’s quite overwhelming. I don’t really have family, not that I have a relationship with anyway, but the reason I’m embarrassed to speak to my friends is because they will either think I’m crazy or that I have no self respect. Both opinions I completely understand, it’s probably what I’d think if one of them told me they were in the same position.

When I met my boyfriend I had been single for about 10 years, the only relationship I’d ever had was when I was a teenager, and it wasn’t serious. Intimacy has always scared me due to issues in childhood, so I was cautious of men and getting close to someone. My boyfriend made me feel safe from the word go, and I completely opened up to him and trusted him with every fibre of my being.

I have had similar thoughts that he is now virtually a stranger to me - that the person I fell in love with doesn’t exist - but in three years, can everything really be a lie?

I track his phone now, as he works long hours and has previously exaggerated them in order to visit one of his escorts. I discreetly check his phone routinely, and I haven’t found anything of any concern since I first found out.

He has admitted having unprotected sex with the escorts, and then coming home and having unprotected sex with me, even when I was 9 months pregnant. I have been tested, and thankfully all clear!

The arrangement to re-locate is to actually move back to my hometown and closer to my friends. We lived 160 miles apart when we first met, and since having our baby, I have moved in with him. I went back to work full time from home 2 months after having our baby as I like to be financially independent and contribute equally to our life. I can remember my mother always relying on her boyfriends financially when I was growing up, and us being destitute when they broke up, and swore I’d never put myself or my child in that position.

I know it’s bizarre, but I feel like I could forgive him if he opened up to me, became more transparent, and allowed me to have a voice. He gets so angry if I have a wobbly day or if I have questions or if I’m emotional. We have a therapy session booked for early September, he wasn’t keen, but did agree to attend with me.

I think I’m just scared, scared to let go and scared to be alone again in the world. But I’m also scared he is going to do it again as I honestly don’t think I could survive another wave. It’s hard to function on a daily basis, but the world still turns and I have to manage work and the baby simultaneously Monday to Friday. There are no other options for me.

I honestly can’t believe this is my life. People look at us from the outside and think we are a perfect hardworking family, they think my boyfriend is amazing and successful, but it’s a horror show and a living nightmare. I definitely have spells of denial, but I do know deep down that it’s very real and very damaging.

If you can, be open with your family and friends. I would never think less of someone in this situation. Your partner was clearly very disturbed long before you met. It’s not your shame, it’s his.

He gets so angry if I have a wobbly day or if I have questions or if I’m emotional. We have a therapy session booked for early September, he wasn’t keen, but did agree to attend with me.

op please just listen to yourself here. This is not a man who is remorseful or wanting to help you heal from a huge betrayal. He just wants you to put up and shut up. My ex was exactly the same and when I called time on it he was evil in the divorce not just to me but the children too. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even like you very much. I am sorry, that’s very hard to hear but it is the truth. You are young and have a lot of life ahead of you. Don’t waste it on this tosser.

Yes. This is "personality disorder" territory, I'm afraid.
I'm really sorry, OP.

NO. You cannot diagnose online on basis of a mn post. Really irresponsible
One can only imagine your “knowledge” is gleaned from podcasts & ChatGPT No one trained would be so foolish