Am I really “too fat for a relationship”? Please answer honestly

[WildflowerGardens]

Context: I am in my mid thirties, and as the youngest daughter of the family I do all the caring for our elderly mother (81). It isn’t much, really, but I buy all the groceries, cook her meals and sort out any health related problems she has. I am also 95% of her emotional support (to use a rather cold sounding term), as my three siblings are older and rarely get in touch with her (citing busyness, work, etc). I also live closest, geographically.

I have been slim in the past, but now go up and down between a size 14 and at my largest a size 14-16. I find it hard to lose weight because I suffer from pancreatitis and have a nonfunctional gallbladder which is being looked into, a slow process - yes I’m making excuses, the honest truth is I enjoy eating and love cooking. My life is rather uneventful and monotonous at the moment and having a nice dinner to look forward to really breaks up the tedium (I do not eat to excess, mind). A calorie restricted diet sounds boring to me. I walk lots and do some barre type exercises from home.

My mother, who has always been slim (she is a size 8), keeps on at me every single day - imagine, every day - about my weight, and about how I’d have a happier life and meet the man of my dreams if I were slimmer; about how I’d quickly find a partner if I were slimmer; about how a man 12 years older than me and who treated me appallingly during a situationship “would have wanted to be with [me] had [I] been slimmer” and so on. EVERY day.

it is draining, very annoying and quite upsetting, I have told her many times that the way to help someone slim down isn’t by antagonising or bullying them, it’s by gentle encouragement. But still she keeps on.

please don’t suggest cutting her off or making ultimata as I am not in a position to do that, but any advice about what I should say to finally stop this would be much appreciated

Oh love! Of course you’re not too fat for a relationship. Your relationship with your mum sounds difficult and draining, you are amazing for caring for her.

What about really confronting her about her issue with your weight? ‘Why are you so obsessed with my weight mum?’ ‘Oh here we go again, you really don’t have anything better to think about do you?’ ‘It must be really sad to be so bored all you can think about is my weight’.

Your mum sounds nasty and controlling. You should be putting some distance between you and scaling things back. Tell her she has to stop mentioning your weight if she wants to continue seeing you.

Missing the point, but she must’ve been old when she had you if she’s 81 and you’re mid 30s?

Your mum is trying to break your self-esteem to make you more dependent on her as she has you designated her carer. It doesn't suit her agenda for you to have your own life. Don't let her into your, and maybe speak to your siblings about taking on a bit more of her cares or you might need to step back and leave it to social services.

Yeah this. ^

I'm so sorry @WildflowerGardens there is no answer to this apart from moving out and getting your own place and giving her a wide berth, or sticking with it. My mum was pretty much the same. Very critical of me (and others sometimes, but mostly me- being the only daughter. My brother could do no wrong though!)

My brother never lifted a finger to wash a cup, but he was the blue eyed golden boy. I (unfortunately) did just tolerate it, even though she could be cruel with her barbed comments. I had no choice really, unless I cut her off, which I did do a couple of times, but it lasted just 1-2 weeks, as I felt so guilty, especially as various extended family members made me feel like shit for it, and said I was a 'disgrace.'

She often picked on my weight and clothes size, especially when I was at my 'largest.' I was a size 12 to 14... (In todays sizings - it's maybe a size 10!) And she picked on my driving, my job, my parenting/mothering skills, my choice of decor in my home, etc etc..... I could never do a thing right.

She was argumentative and rude. Not ALL the time, but maybe 35-40% of the time I was with her.. That was enough of course. I 'coped' with it by changing the subject, and starting to chat about something else. Last night's Corrie, one of her neighbours or one of mine, or a family member, or one of my friends, or one of my DC, or something in the news, anything. Then she would leave off me and start talking about something else. Almost like aversion... Like you do with children when they misbehave LOL!

I did call her out on her spitefulness towards me, quite a few times, but she went into a huff, and sulked, and got quite shirty and nasty with me, saying 'I'll just seal my mouth shut with cement then shall I and never speak!' And she would act like the wounded one, and then she would still carry on as before the next time I saw her, as if the conversation hadn't happened, and would be insulting me again!

If you are not able to stop seeing your mum, (or see her much less) maybe try something like this? If you have tried, and aversion isn't working, sadly, there's no answer other than to try and leave, and see her much less. There really is no other option. You can't change people. She is being very cruel and nasty, and you deserve better.

But no you're not too fat for a relationship! This awful scenario with your mother will be the main reason you're still single... It's sucking the life - and the energy out of you. Good luck. At 5 ft 4ish, I have been between 8 and a half stone and 15 and a half stone, during the 35 years with DH, and he has loved me and fancied me no matter what size I am. I am currently somewhere in the middle of that!

Sorry you're going through this.

.

Firstly, you are absolutely not too big for a relationship. You will have heard similar anecdotes, and I am sure you know similar couples (since it is not at all unusual), but my sister (who is about your age) is a size 26. She was a size 26 when she met her slim, kind husband, and she was a size 26 when she married him last year.

My youngest sister was a similar size when she met her husband. She did slim down to a size 8 for her wedding, but put it all back on again after the wedding.

They both met their partners via online dating, so that's worth a try if you want to meet someone.

Secondly, if this is a change in your mother's usual behaviour, I would get her assessed for dementia. I cared for a lady who was very similar to how your mother sounds, and it was caused by dementia. She did, genuinely, believe what she was saying to be true, but she had a kind of dementia where she had no filter, what came into her head came out of her mouth. She didn't understand that she was being rude or causing people to be upset. Carers managed her by ignoring her and changing the subject. There was no point asking her to stop because she literally couldn't. Her daughter believed her beliefs and obsession with weight came from anorexia. She was anorexic as a teen and young woman and never fully recovered. We just had to remember it was both of her illnesses talking, and her opinions had no reflection on reality.

Men, like women, are attracted to different things. Some men like larger ladies, some men like slim ladies, some sick freaks are turned on by anorexic figures who are close to death, and lots of men like women who are in the middle, like yourself.

Your self-worth is not linked to your weight. Plenty of men will find you sexy, and there are plenty of men who wouldn't find you sexy, whether you were a size 10 or a size 30.

In short, your weight is meaningless (except from a health POV).

It really isn’t! How depressing and shallow to think that way.

I'd go with: 'Stop it, or you're on your own'

It's shorter and to the point

I agree with others who’ve suggested a head on tackle!
‘Mum, I feel that spending a lot of my time making your life easier is very kind of me, but your constant reaction to me is to be unkind, as you cannot stop talking about my weight. What d’you think that’s about?
It can’t be because you want to hurt me, can it? You know it upsets me, I’ve told you so many times. So what’s your motivation? What do you get out of knowingly upsetting me?

It won’t change anything, but you’ve made the problem about her, not you. I would also make the ultimate threat. Say next time you come the first time she mentions your weight, or weight in any guise, that you’ll leave. And do it.

She sounds bitter & jealous.

She's from a different generation, and her views are very old fashioned. Tell her that the world has moved on, and it's no longer a 'thing' that women need to be slim. I'd also tell her that the man of your dreams wouldn't care if you were a size 8 or a size 14, and that you've got too much self respect to be with a man who treats you appallingly. If she still keeps on, just grey rock her. 'Oh well, never mind' and change the subject. Rinse and repeat.

Whatever you do ignore this utter mince @WildflowerGardens

but yes do something for you that gets you out of the house, concentrating on you for a bit. Even if it’s a walk, listen to a nice podcast or audio book while you do. It’s ok to say no to your mum sometimes.

be kind to yourself - and yes, that means be kind to your body with the food you put in it. A treat for your head isn’t always a treat for your body, though we all need a little something nice sometimes. The rest will follow xx

100% this….the nasty nasty old woman, most probably jealous of your youth …. And your size is bullshit on the dating front….i was a lot bigger than you when i was younger and it was never a barrier to meeting someone…let your personality shine through…..bollocks to her xx

Control

It's all about control

Well there are two separate things here. One is that she is being bullying, ungrateful and abusive by saying this without any awareness or empathy as to how you’re feeling and what your life is like, and she needs to stop or you remove all help from her.

The other is that I don’t think you can escape the fact that the mainstream, cliched (note mainstream, note cliched!) male dating market seems to prefer slimmer women. There is absolutely no reason for you to conform to this stereotype, but it just seems to be the preference right now.

that doesn’t mean your mother is right. She’s weaponising a stereotype against you which is deeply unfair and abusive.

Well, there it is, the silliest thing I'll read all day. By 0931. The day can only get better.

I agree. @dontcryformeargentina 1940s Hollywood wants its attitudes towards women back! 😬

Your mum is an arse. You’re absolutely not “too fat”. Get yourself out there!!

This is absolutely right, OP. I spent years convinced I was only going to meet someone when I was slim. Single all the way through my dieting years, met DH when I'd jacked it all in and rebounded to 18 stone. I am trying to lose weight now for health reasons but trust me, there is no weight at which you're too fat to be loved. The only reason you think this is because it's the message your mum broadcasts to keep herself as your main priority.

I find posts like this (and the resulting comments) really interesting, because they come from such a different mindset to mine. You’re not going to cut off or go no contact with your 81-year-old mum, who you clearly love. She does this awful thing, yes, but people contain multitudes and there are obviously many things about her you cherish.

So just tell her to stop every time. None of this leaving the room or threatening to never come back — you’re not going to do that. Say you don’t like it, you don’t agree, and if it sparks a row, so be it. Rows don’t have to be world-ending.

Brush her off, tell her it irritates you, and ask why she keeps doing it when you’ve said it bothers you. It doesn’t have to be a massive psychological weight. It can just be one of those irritating things your mum does, and you call it out in the moment rather than giving it more power than it deserves.

Nails it.

Good for you!

My mother in law is like this to her daughter. My DH and I get none of her shit as we shut her down immediately (including to defend said daughter when she says outrageous things about her). Poor SIL is just the nicest person and thinks her mother is amazing (or so she says, SIL is very insecure and I suspect just wants her mother's approval). Drives me mad. DH is the golden boy but not fond of his mother and avoids going to see her.

No you're not too fat, look around you, there are plenty of couples where one or both is a bit overweight. But you are far too busy with putting your own needs last and that needs to stop before you have a breakdown or murder her.

I've been there, living with a nasty narcissistic mother who refused to have any help because she didn't want to pay and expected me to do it all for her and with a sibling who did nothing. I got out, much later than I should have, but I got out and I stopped doing as much for her and limited the time I spent with her and any whiff of her being negative I'd leave. I know you're afraid she'll stop eating or threaten to self harm but that's on her not you.

If you can't leave for financial reasons can you get some support? A friend, a counsellor? The key to me getting out was better boundaries and not feeling responsible for her.

Would your DM speak to an outside carer the same way ?

Do you work outside the home ?

Find yourself a paid job

You are YOUNG, she is jealous of your youth !

I completely agree you could say to her - do you know what, you're right. I spend so much time and emotional energy on you that I've let self care take a back burner. I'm going to really focus on getting healthy and finding a relationship. We'll chat by phone at 4pm every Sunday, if I'm not on a date.

My mum was from this era too, would’ve been similar age. She was also obsessed about weight and being slim (although she wasnt slim but blamed hers on lots of pregnancies).

relieve the pressure on you by telling siblings youre taking a step back and they need to help out more plus getting external help in. This is affecting your own mental health