DH gave his ex our baby’s old clothes without asking - am I overreacting?

[Garnetta0]

Posting for traffic.

So DS is 2 now and ive been slowly sorting through the baby bits, bags of sleepsuits and vests etc. Id planned to keep a few special things in a memory box and then pass the rest to my SIL who’s expecting her first.

Yesterday DH casually mentions he “dropped a bag off” at his ex’s because “she needed stuff for her niece’s baby.” Turns out it was one of the bags from our loft, full of DS’s clothes. He didn’t ask, didn’t check with me, just decided they’d be better off there.

I know it’s only clothes and we aren’t using them, but a) they were ours to decide about, and b) his ex isn’t exactly short of money (she posts designer hauls on Insta every other week). And it really stung that he didn’t think to ask if I minded.

The weird bit is… he left behind the bag with all the stained bibs and grotty socks, but gave away the nice babygros and the Boden dungarees my mum bought. Like… why those ones?? He even put the little cardigan my nan knitted in there, which I’d said I wanted to keep.

What makes it stranger is that we’ve argued before about him being too “helpful” to his ex. Nothing dodgy, but he still does favours for her like fixing her boiler or dropping shopping round. I’ve let it go because I don’t want to seem insecure, but this feels like a boundary thing.

I said to him that it feels disrespectful, especially when I’d told him before that SIL would love them. He reckons I’m making a fuss over nothing and it’s just hand-me-downs.

So now I don’t know if I’m being petty. It’s not like I can demand them back, but I’m really annoyed and it’s left me wondering if I should be firmer about him running round after her.

Am I being unreasonable?

YA NOT BU!
I'd ask him to get them back - OR - contact her yourself and say he took the wrong bag & pass on the grotty babygros.
You HAVE to get the knitted cardigan back - I'm invested!
He's thoughtless at best, and uncaring at least.
Idiot.

If he’d given it to a colleague would you be as miffed? It is his error so his job to get back anything sentimental, but anything borderline probably isn’t worth your headspace.

I'd want him to try and get them back. I might feel bad about it and struggle justifying it, but I'd definitely want them back.

Ask if you can have the handmade cardigan back - and then put it in an actual memory box not the attic.

You’re not being unreasonable, and I think it’s fair to say that there are things in there that you explicitly wanted to keep and to ask him to retrieve them from the ex. If he can’t explain to the ex that he mistakenly gave away a hand-knitted cardigan that has sentimental value to you because of who made it, you have way bigger problems than missing a few baby items. He fucked up, he should be willing and able to fix it. Give him a list of any specific items you want back and send him off to sort it.

(Edit for typo from clumsy, fat thumbs)

He'd no right to do that. Definitely get him to get the cardi back.

You're not being petty , particularly if you had made it clear that you wanted to keep certain items.
Tell him to get back the things that are important to you.

I don’t know - Poor blokes. They rightly get grief for being unpleasant to their exes, and now grief for acts of kindness. Yes - he probably should have mentioned it, but to me at least it’s an action of a kind hearted man. Rather that way than the opposite. YABU.

He gave her the nice clothes including a sweater your grandmother knit for your baby? He deliberately put that in the bag he gave to her?

I'd be swearing in multiple languages.

He needs to get that back or I would contact her and say he gave you the wrong bag, there were sentimental items in there that you want back.

He sure is supportive of his ex over you. He knew you wanted to give things to your SIL. His ex's niece should not be a blip on his radar, much less be catered to over your family.

I'd be really pissed and time for him to choose.

Of course you can ask her for them back !
you just explain nicely that the idiot hadn't gone through the bag and there are some items that you needed to keep so please can you have the bag back asap.
Then he goes and gets it !

You absolutely can demand them back. He'll look like an ass when he does it, and quite rightly.

But it sounds like he did go through the stuff and deliberately gave ex the nice things including a hand knit from her gran even though he knew OP wanted to keep some and give some to her SIL. He kept the crap.

He's prioritizing ex over you.

Id make my DH get it back. I'd be fuming

YADNBU!!

I'd be really angry at that lack of respect for you and his deference to his ex. That cardigan was special and you had expressed your wishes for the rest of the things to go to your SIL!

That's not petty. He doesn't care how you feel, in fact he cares much more about what she thinks/feels. I simply wouldn't accept that.

Text her and ask for it back, say he gave her the wrong bag?

And I'd absolutely be demanding that he gets the cardigan back from her, if nothing else.

YANBU - I would be devastated!

Agree- get it back, he should have listened. Also it’s ok for him to help with the boiler for example but dropping off shopping is too much. You need to draw some boundaries.

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit less like I’m losing the plot now.

To answer a couple of points - yes if it had been a random colleague or neighbour I think I’d still be annoyed, but not in the same way. It’s the fact it’s her. Like some of you have said, it feels like he’s prioritising her over me, and I did tell him before which bits I wanted to keep. The cardigan especially, I’ve been meaning to put it in an actual memory box not just the loft bag, so that one really stings.

I don’t think he did it maliciously, he’s not a bad man, but he does have this blind spot with his ex where he just rushes to “help” her and doesn’t think about how it comes across. It’s a pattern and that’s what worries me.

I’ll definitely be asking him to go and get the cardigan back at the very least. If he’s embarrassed then tough, it was his choice to hand it over in the first place.

Still not sure if I should message her myself or just leave him to fix it. Would that be unreasonable?

He's already cocked up once. I would message her and ask to go over and take out some of the stuff. When you get there, take it all and give her other stuff you don't care about. Or nothing!

Weird blind spot he has. I would take something precious of his and give it to your ex. See how he likes it!

Message her yourself because he's not going to want to and by the time he finally does it, it'll already have been given to her niece and it would just hurt her feelings blah blah blah.

Yanbu.
I don't think it's a bad thing when exes have a good relationship post split, especially if there are children involved. I'd take that over a man who bad mouths the mother of his children.
But you hadn't sorted through the items that would be 'keepsakes' and what could be given away. Your dh was aware of that. Tell him to get certain items back. It's his own fault if he feels daft asking for them.

Can you definitely not ask for them back? Could you say, “Really sorry about this but Nobber gave you the baby clothes without asking me first and there are a few things in there of sentimental value I’d like to keep for LO. They are: A,B,C. Please can you return these when Nobber next sees you?”

Definitely get him to get any sentimental pieces back.
Other than that though, do or should you have priority over him as to who the second hand bits go to? Is it any more fair that they go to your SIL rather than his ex's niece?
And he obviously gave away the nice bits rather than the stained one grotty bits because that's what you do, isn't it? You pass on stuff that's in reasonable condition for another baby, not the stuff that's better suited to recycling.

Do they have children together