DH gave his ex our baby’s old clothes without asking - am I overreacting?

[Garnetta0]

Posting for traffic.

So DS is 2 now and ive been slowly sorting through the baby bits, bags of sleepsuits and vests etc. Id planned to keep a few special things in a memory box and then pass the rest to my SIL who’s expecting her first.

Yesterday DH casually mentions he “dropped a bag off” at his ex’s because “she needed stuff for her niece’s baby.” Turns out it was one of the bags from our loft, full of DS’s clothes. He didn’t ask, didn’t check with me, just decided they’d be better off there.

I know it’s only clothes and we aren’t using them, but a) they were ours to decide about, and b) his ex isn’t exactly short of money (she posts designer hauls on Insta every other week). And it really stung that he didn’t think to ask if I minded.

The weird bit is… he left behind the bag with all the stained bibs and grotty socks, but gave away the nice babygros and the Boden dungarees my mum bought. Like… why those ones?? He even put the little cardigan my nan knitted in there, which I’d said I wanted to keep.

What makes it stranger is that we’ve argued before about him being too “helpful” to his ex. Nothing dodgy, but he still does favours for her like fixing her boiler or dropping shopping round. I’ve let it go because I don’t want to seem insecure, but this feels like a boundary thing.

I said to him that it feels disrespectful, especially when I’d told him before that SIL would love them. He reckons I’m making a fuss over nothing and it’s just hand-me-downs.

So now I don’t know if I’m being petty. It’s not like I can demand them back, but I’m really annoyed and it’s left me wondering if I should be firmer about him running round after her.

Am I being unreasonable?

@Garnetta0, this is outrageous. You are not being petty or overreacting. Your feelings are valid, and you do need to set stronger boundaries with regard to your H’s Ex. Please stop gaslighting yourself that speaking up shows insecurity.

It is appalling that he unilaterally handed over your keepsakes and the items earmarked for SIL to Ex. It speaks volumes about his priorities and need for her validation.

You were clear with him about the pieces to be kept, yet he dismissed your feelings/trampled your agency because he wants to please her. They sound emotionally enmeshed, with her approval being his priority. His minimizing the value of the clothing is just a tactic to cover his disloyal actions.

He is investing too much emotional energy into this woman, @Garnetta0, and you should not tolerate it. Their intimate rescuer/damsel dynamic must be addressed and shut down if you want an equal marriage. The window he opened for Ex must be definitively closed. Set sharp consequences if he refuses to let her go and continues to be at her beck and call.

Regarding the issue at hand, I would absolutely take action and contact Ex to retrieve the key beloved items, particularly the precious cardigan, as well as the pieces designated for SIL. Handle this yourself, as you need to get the correct garments before they are spread all over, and H will likely sabotage the process.

I'd be furious. Why is he prioritising his ex over actual family?!

@PinkArt I think the point is that you would ask first?

I know it’s good that Exs remain friends , it is , but in a , if you bump into them somewhere kind of thing, or if there is some party that you both might end up invited to & there is no awkwardness kind of thing , a wedding , whatever..
Sorry but going around fixing boiler , dropping her shopping, dropping off baby clothes , very friendly shit altogether, no I wouldn’t be ok with that..
There will be loads of messages now ,” oh cop on , Exs can be best buds “🙄, when truthfully if it were happening to them it would be far from ok !
Back to the subject of giving away good baby clothes, & going up to attic to get them , not say anything at the time he did it & drop them around to hers , that’s taking the piss !!!!!

Does he have children with this ex? Is that why they are still in contact

Jesus, how many women would do this without consulting their husband?

It was a job that needed doing, so he did it. Yes maybe he should have mentioned it but it's not a crime. I think YABU and a bit crazy.

Wow!!! That’s LTB actions from my point of view. I would be incredibly upset and angry.

😂 😂
Yeah , I wonder how many women would regularly call around to Ex boyfriends house 🤔 & not consult their husband 😂

The OP hasn't returned so we don't know much of the details of his relationship with his ex (ie are there children?).
The clothes were for the ex's niece. While married to his ex this niece was his niece too.
Technically she isn't anymore as they divorced but if this is someone he knew from childhood and had a good uncle/niece relationship then his thinking could have been more about her not the ex. He could have been honestly thinking he was doing something nice.
Anyway - @Garnetta0 get the cardigan back at least.

YANBU

You are not being unreasonable! really inconsiderate and not thoughtful to your feelings. Although some men are challenged with that !!! the ex should give them back and by her own!

I’d just message and say he had given her clothes meant for keeping and you want them back.

He is unwittingly showing you what he thinks of you, and that he doesn't care about you and your concerns. There needs to be a huge apology and a commitment to stay away from his ex. YANBU

I'd there kids involved ? If not its weird af and I'd be pissed he was running round after another woman and I'd go absolutely ballistic if he gave away clothes that had sentimental value ! I have cardis my aunt knitted for my cousins who are now 25 and all my boys have also worn them

Make him go and get them back, especially the cardigan.

Discuss rather than ask, but yes agreed. Of course that would apply to the OP as much as her DH - it shouldn't be a unilateral decision that the bits go to the SIL any more than the niece.

Also the action of a man who didn't listen to his wife or care about her feelings or opinions.

Agreed

Plenty would give old baby clothes to their ex-SIL, which is the actual story.

@PinkArt- discuss yes absolutely but surely to start the discussion one needs to ask first? Like "hey I am thinking of giving these to xxx" then the other person can say "oh but i had already promised them to xxx"

That is a discussion. Just doing something without talking to anyone is not a discussion.

@GreenCandleWax

What is your definition of "unpleasant to exes"?

What is your definition of being pleasant to your current wife or partner?

OK, so this might just be me but:

1. I would be expecting him to go no contact with the ex. Unless children are involved.
2. I would insist that he get the whole bag back from her. So you can remove the sentimental items and give the bag as promised to your SIL.
3. I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that this fawning over his ex is to stop. Immediately. Even if there are kids involved or he can fuck off and live with her.

I do not take this shit and neither should you.

YABU it's just clothes your just pissed because he gave them to his ex 😂

@Missey85 do you have children?

If it’s about who he gave them to, YABU. If it’s the fact he gave them away without consulting you, then YANBU.

If he is still friends with his ex and there is nothing going on (as you said) it feels late in the day to have an issue with it when you’ve already had a baby with him?

I know I am the minority though but I don’t see any reason why ex’s can’t be friends. If they wanted to be together, surely they still would?

I agree with PP’s, why would he give gross bits away? Were you going to give them to SIL?

You would want to re read before you post .🙄.
The actual story is OP wanted to give clothes to her SIL , only her husband gave them to his Ex gf for her niece ..