DH gave his ex our baby’s old clothes without asking - am I overreacting?

[Garnetta0]

Posting for traffic.

So DS is 2 now and ive been slowly sorting through the baby bits, bags of sleepsuits and vests etc. Id planned to keep a few special things in a memory box and then pass the rest to my SIL who’s expecting her first.

Yesterday DH casually mentions he “dropped a bag off” at his ex’s because “she needed stuff for her niece’s baby.” Turns out it was one of the bags from our loft, full of DS’s clothes. He didn’t ask, didn’t check with me, just decided they’d be better off there.

I know it’s only clothes and we aren’t using them, but a) they were ours to decide about, and b) his ex isn’t exactly short of money (she posts designer hauls on Insta every other week). And it really stung that he didn’t think to ask if I minded.

The weird bit is… he left behind the bag with all the stained bibs and grotty socks, but gave away the nice babygros and the Boden dungarees my mum bought. Like… why those ones?? He even put the little cardigan my nan knitted in there, which I’d said I wanted to keep.

What makes it stranger is that we’ve argued before about him being too “helpful” to his ex. Nothing dodgy, but he still does favours for her like fixing her boiler or dropping shopping round. I’ve let it go because I don’t want to seem insecure, but this feels like a boundary thing.

I said to him that it feels disrespectful, especially when I’d told him before that SIL would love them. He reckons I’m making a fuss over nothing and it’s just hand-me-downs.

So now I don’t know if I’m being petty. It’s not like I can demand them back, but I’m really annoyed and it’s left me wondering if I should be firmer about him running round after her.

Am I being unreasonable?

Why is it strange he left behind stained bibs and grotty socks?

More strange that they were even kept!
I hope you get the cardigan back @Garnetta0 🙂

I would message her, @Garnetta0 - if your dh takes his time, it could be too late to get the cardigan back. Something like this:

“Sorry to do this, but dh handed over the wrong bag of clothes yesterday. Most of them can go to your niece, but the hand knitted cardigan has sentimental importance to me, because it was knitted by my nan, so I would like to have that back please, for dd’s box of precious things. Dh will drop round to collect it asap.”

I’d message her and say he’s made a mistake and taken all the wrong things. That you will need the bag back as it has keepsakes and borrowed items in and needs sorting out.

I’’d message her about the cardi @Garnetta0 just in case she’s selling it all on (you never know). You can just say ‘sorry, the cardi is of sentimental value’ (same about the Boden dungarees if you want). Can’t believe DH didn’t check!

Why can't you ask for them back - I would! Is just go round and say there's been a misunderstanding, the bag wasn't to be given away and I'd like it back please

get him to get them back that’s so bad

Give away something potentially precious/practical of his, ideally to an ex. Then gaslight him by saying it’s not that big of a deal.

Get them back! Say they have sentimental value, DH made a mistake. Thats reasonable.

Definitely contact her and ask for them back ASAP. Just explain that he didn't realise the sentimental stuff hadn't been taken out. Take out anything you want and split the rest of the bag so you still have some for SIL. If ex gets funny then that's tough and on your DH.

Does he have his own DC with the ex? I’m confused why they’re still in that level of contact.

I don’t think men necessarily have a level of understanding of what ‘nice’ clothes are for DC, they’re just clothes in their eyes so I would be able to excuse him giving that away. The cardigan your nan knitted - I mean that’s very sentimental. If you decided to let the clothes go in general, I would certainly be asking him to ask for that item back and that’s not unreasonable.

Don’t think this is as simple as who is being unreasonable.
You need to try to get the stuff back, and ask yourself about his intentions.

Is it likely he was being passive and careless, ex asked and he people pleases, can’t really say no?

Or likely that he thought he was being helpful to all by getting some stuff out of the way and them going to a new home?

Only you will know if you really think about it. If it’s the first, and he’s just being passive, then that needs some attention.
If not, then these things happen, it probably just cuts more because it’s his ex.
As long as he’s a decent man and apologises, all you can do is put it behind you and not hold onto it I guess.

I'd be livid. Why the fuck is he giving your baby's things to his ex for her niece? Is he particularly close to his ex's DB/DS/DBIL/DSIL?

I wouldn't trust him to sort this out. I'd be straight onto his ex and tell her that DH fucked up and gave her the wrong bag without checking with you first. She needs to get it back to you ASAP because there are some sentimental bits in there and also some bits you've already sold and need to package up to post*

*This last bit may or may not be true.

I'd be keeping a close eye on his knight in shining armour complex with the ex too.

He should have checked and I’d be expecting him to get the cardigan back.

But it was nice of him to try and be helpful, presumably to the mother of his children. That’s the way it should be when children are involved because if her boiler is fucked, his children don’t have heating or hot water. If there are no children involved, you have a bigger problem.

Message - Say I'm sorry they are already promised to SIL.

Message the ex on Facebook & request it back - it's likely the lot will just be getting sorted into stuff they want to keep/chuck anyway & you should be able to keep all the gifts from your family.

Don't back down here & your partner has messed this up for himself trying to look good

It wasn't nice of him. He knew that OP planned on giving what she didn't keep for sentimental value to her SIL. He took it without a care that the clothes were already spoken for.

I think it was a deliberate move to show OP where she stands. She said they've argued over ex before.

I would go absolutely mental to be honest…

Does he have children with his ex?
if yes, then I think yabu for thinking he’s too helpful. It’s important for the children to understand that doing the right thing by people is the right thing to do.

if no children, then yanbu

What a very odd thing to do without even talking to you about it.

Is he in touch with the ex a lot? Why?Especially now he has a child with you.

What were the circumstances of their split and how long were they together? Have they children together?

It seems all a bit thoughtless and secretive. I wouldn’t be over the moon about him regularly going to her house without you too.

I'd be livid. That stuff would be coming back to me whether he asked or me!

Tell him to get it the fuck back

UANBU-I’d be upset

Yanbu

From a slightly different perspective, if my ex husband gave me a bag of clothes that used to belong to his hypothetical new baby I’d find it very odd.

I think it’s a good thing if he has helped out with shopping - my ex has dropped off a few bits when the kids have been ill and I haven’t been able to get out the house or get a delivery slot.

Exactly. Does his ex not think it's weird that he's turned up with a load of old baby clothes belonging to his kid with his new wife?

Such an odd, lacking in boundaries, overstepping thing to do.