I left the love of my life and regret it: appropriate steps?

[AChangeofState]

Please read if you have time, the context is nuanced:

2 years ago, I met someone (we'll call him Dan) truly one-of-a-kind... as in, I mean this person made me 180 on my stance on soulmates (from thinking they're a fairytale to knowing I had met my person).

He is my person.
We knew we loved each other very quickly, within a dew days...but decided to give it time, especially as we lived in different countries at the time. Ive never felt such peace and safety with a man, while at the same time having such excitement and chemistry. I've never felt so seen or been so curious.
Neither of us shared the depth of our feelings at the time... but we stayed in touch as friends regularly when we returned to our countries.

During this time, I went through heavy heartache with him being so far away, and realized I was falling for him, hard!
But, I tried to be realistic, what with him living abroad and us only knowing each other for a week in physical time.
But after months, I realized I had my dating life on hold for him. My heart was closed.
So I convinced myself Dan didn't feel the same. I spent months programming my mind to believe he didn't love me. And it worked. I moved on.

Then I met a man (William) in my hometown and for the first time in half a year, I felt openness in my heart.
He was a beautiful, gentle man and we began to spend more and more time.
It was a week after William and I met that Dan announced he planned to visit my country the following month.
I still believed we were over each other, so agreed to see him.
William and I first kissed a week before Dan arrived.
( I am someone who doesn't kiss anyone else if I'm sharing that with a person. )

So Dan arrives. And tells me his feelings for me haven't changed, only grown and that he knows he loves me.
I tell him about the man I'm dating.
I watched his heart break in real time. Quietly, it was like a light going out.
And my own heart shattered at the same moment.
I realized I'd fucked up.

Then and here is my stupidity: I began to think logically.

Dan has a chaotic past, childhood neglect, escapism, and past drug addiction (from which he was almost 10 years clean). He was a traveler and quite floaty in his life direction.

William was steady, settled, had a few tragic life events in his past, but had a good relationship with his family, made peace (from what I can tell) with his past, had a successful career, close community he is involved with and clear life goals that aligned with mine.

However:
Dan and I could talk for hours. It felt like our very beings melded... like the universe rejoiced when we were together. We met each other under the most bizarre circumstances and synchronicity I've ever experienced (Which I can elaborate on if wanted)
And I can hands down say I've never met anyone like this!
I fell in love with his soul.

Willia was sensible. But I found myself easily bored, conversations stagnated, I felt often like I was putting on a mask or trying to be what he wanted/expected of me. We never clicked. I respect who he is and love how he walks in the world. But I've never been able to be in love with him.

So I chose sense. I pushed the man I loved away and chose safety and security.
I broke my lovers heart...and my own.
We stayed in contact for a few months... after which I realized we were both still holding on to feelings for each other. Which didn't feel integral to my relationship. So I asked Dan for closure (even when I knew I truly wanted to be back with him... and he was open to this happening, should I become single)
He agreed to closure however, but we never managed to have the conversation. I would call him to try for closure and be unable to speak... literally.
Eventually he got so hurt by the waiting that he blocked me.

Now I feel I have been living in a relationship where I'm out of integrity with myself and my partner, so have hurt him and us by not being present.
And I have lost the love of my life by betraying my inner knowing.

TDLR:
I chose someone else over the love of my life out of fear of his past.... Now the man I love has blocked me and I don't know what to do. I believe he was my person and I want to fix this and be able to love him openly again. Is it too late?

We met each other under the most bizarre circumstances and synchronicity I've ever experienced (Which I can elaborate on if wanted)

met someone intensely interesting under strange circumstances

A few of us are patiently waiting, OP…..

My organic humanness is important to me.

I think we can all empathise with this 😂

While keeping busy rolling our eyes 🙄

That's a stretch, if Dan wanted a visa, he would persued OP more and certainly not blocked her.

I read that as organic hummus 🤷‍♂️

I think Dan was looking for someone to co-write a trashy novel with him.

You won’t achieve “ full closure “ if you’re spending your time dreaming about a past relationship that never really took off. You certainly won’t be in the space you need to be to meet someone else.

As you will be aware sometimes old flames reconnect later in life. Most don’t, and have fond memories, or not. Most go on to other happy relationships.

If you are asking should you actively try to reconnect, probably not. He blocked you, that’s a clear message. Channel your feelings into hoping that he’s rebuilt a happy life for himself. Concentrate on doing the same yourself, you might surprise yourself.

I think you need less time focusing on yourself, OP. As a PP said, there's lots of worthy organisations needing volunteers.

It sounds like a Mills and Boons book, this isn't real 😂

Please, elaborate.

Please no! 😅

OP, I was one of the people who gave a snarky reply, but assuming that this is written in good faith - albeit in a somewhat florid style - I’ll try to answer your question.

You’re doing a huge amount of projecting here and assuming Dan’s feelings and intent are the same as yours. Stripping away the soulmate goggles:

‘We knew we loved each other very quickly (within a few days)’. That sounds like a very short romance before you went your separate ways. Dan knew you’d both be off to your home countries soon, so he could be as full on as he wanted (to get what he wanted?) with no real life consequences.

After 7 months apart Dan announces he’s visiting your home country. So your soulmate had taken 7 months to circle back to you. He arrives and says he loves you … but he’s also just visiting your home country, so saying that is pretty low stakes isn’t it? He’s heartbroken you’re dating someone else (or maybe just a bit pissed off he hasn’t got free accommodation and a guaranteed shag?)

He then goes home and ‘waits for you’. Or maybe he’s just keeping the door open, because why not? After one too many phone calls where you ring and don’t speak, his heartbreak makes him block you. Or maybe he just realised the potential benefit (a guaranteed bunk up if in your country) wasn’t worth the crazy phone calls.

So my advice is Dan most likely isn’t your person. You’ve built up a ‘soulmate romance’ in your mind with someone you’ve not spent any substantial time with. You don’t know if he wants the same things as you or even a relationship with you. You are infatuated, projecting your feelings and assuming he feels the same. Oh and William probably isn’t ’the one’ either, but that doesn’t mean Dan is!