I left the love of my life and regret it: appropriate steps?

[AChangeofState]

Please read if you have time, the context is nuanced:

2 years ago, I met someone (we'll call him Dan) truly one-of-a-kind... as in, I mean this person made me 180 on my stance on soulmates (from thinking they're a fairytale to knowing I had met my person).

He is my person.
We knew we loved each other very quickly, within a dew days...but decided to give it time, especially as we lived in different countries at the time. Ive never felt such peace and safety with a man, while at the same time having such excitement and chemistry. I've never felt so seen or been so curious.
Neither of us shared the depth of our feelings at the time... but we stayed in touch as friends regularly when we returned to our countries.

During this time, I went through heavy heartache with him being so far away, and realized I was falling for him, hard!
But, I tried to be realistic, what with him living abroad and us only knowing each other for a week in physical time.
But after months, I realized I had my dating life on hold for him. My heart was closed.
So I convinced myself Dan didn't feel the same. I spent months programming my mind to believe he didn't love me. And it worked. I moved on.

Then I met a man (William) in my hometown and for the first time in half a year, I felt openness in my heart.
He was a beautiful, gentle man and we began to spend more and more time.
It was a week after William and I met that Dan announced he planned to visit my country the following month.
I still believed we were over each other, so agreed to see him.
William and I first kissed a week before Dan arrived.
( I am someone who doesn't kiss anyone else if I'm sharing that with a person. )

So Dan arrives. And tells me his feelings for me haven't changed, only grown and that he knows he loves me.
I tell him about the man I'm dating.
I watched his heart break in real time. Quietly, it was like a light going out.
And my own heart shattered at the same moment.
I realized I'd fucked up.

Then and here is my stupidity: I began to think logically.

Dan has a chaotic past, childhood neglect, escapism, and past drug addiction (from which he was almost 10 years clean). He was a traveler and quite floaty in his life direction.

William was steady, settled, had a few tragic life events in his past, but had a good relationship with his family, made peace (from what I can tell) with his past, had a successful career, close community he is involved with and clear life goals that aligned with mine.

However:
Dan and I could talk for hours. It felt like our very beings melded... like the universe rejoiced when we were together. We met each other under the most bizarre circumstances and synchronicity I've ever experienced (Which I can elaborate on if wanted)
And I can hands down say I've never met anyone like this!
I fell in love with his soul.

Willia was sensible. But I found myself easily bored, conversations stagnated, I felt often like I was putting on a mask or trying to be what he wanted/expected of me. We never clicked. I respect who he is and love how he walks in the world. But I've never been able to be in love with him.

So I chose sense. I pushed the man I loved away and chose safety and security.
I broke my lovers heart...and my own.
We stayed in contact for a few months... after which I realized we were both still holding on to feelings for each other. Which didn't feel integral to my relationship. So I asked Dan for closure (even when I knew I truly wanted to be back with him... and he was open to this happening, should I become single)
He agreed to closure however, but we never managed to have the conversation. I would call him to try for closure and be unable to speak... literally.
Eventually he got so hurt by the waiting that he blocked me.

Now I feel I have been living in a relationship where I'm out of integrity with myself and my partner, so have hurt him and us by not being present.
And I have lost the love of my life by betraying my inner knowing.

TDLR:
I chose someone else over the love of my life out of fear of his past.... Now the man I love has blocked me and I don't know what to do. I believe he was my person and I want to fix this and be able to love him openly again. Is it too late?

Reminds me of Jilly Pooper.

This is one of the strangest posts I have read.

Certainly.

What a yawn! 🙄

lol I thought it was a romance novel!!! So much drama. I wonder if they will make it into a movie…might be better on the eye than it is on the lips..

Hey op best to cut your losses now your in different countries so unless one of you was going to move for the other how was it going to work out for you. You might never get over him but you chose William and that would have hurt dans ego as much as his heart.

Good LORD

This is brilliant! So bad it’s good.

There have been quite a few of these twaddle threads since the weekend 🤔.

Get some hobbies.

@AChangeofState I hope you're not hoping to get published.

You could spend ££££ on 🔮
A medium or maybe 10

Let's say you run into Dan - completely by chance, mind; I'm not suggesting that you're a stalker or anything - changing planes at Istanbul airport when you're flying from London to Johannesburg and he's flying from Abu Dhabi to Shanghai. You have fifteen minutes to talk before he has to board his onward flight.

How do you convince him that you genuinely commit to being with him long-term and won't flake out and hurt him again? What's different this time? Can you honestly say that even though your relationship so far has been transitory and the holiday-visits nature of it hasn't allowed either of you to know the other person on a day-to-day, warts-and-all basis, you are willing and able to stick with it while all of these things get ironed out? And how would you suggest the two of you move forward on a practical level to see if a real-life, face-to-face, full-time, in-the-same-city relationship can work for you both?

If you can't see and say how it would actually work, not just in your head, there's no way he will see it and you might as well let him continue getting on with his life. Use what you've learned about yourself from your relationships with Dan and William to get yourself ready for a relationship with someone new who doesn't make you scared or bored or miserable (most of the time).

Yes

Ok, thus is my "non sensible thoughts" but I feel they are equally as important for your happiness and/or complete closure.
Make a new account, get a burner phone and get in contact with him and tell him the short version: "i know I've made a mistake, are you open to trying again at a pace you are happy with".
He may have blocked tou because he has met someone else.
But I'm a massive believer in "meant to be" so what do u have to lose?
Either way you will know for sure.
William isn't for you, he doesn't excite you, but he does deserve to be loved by someone who is his "meant to be" aswell.
Go for it!!!

The 'universe rejoicing' is hilarious. Your plot development needs work, though.

Wow, what a reaction to a post. My writing skills sure have taken a wholloping in this thread...
Rest assured, I'm not intending to be a published writer anytime soon.
This post condenses two years of feelings, interactions and nuanced processes into a few paragraphs, so I don't think there is a way I could have concisely communicated it.

I think the biggest insult is the AI part to be fair. My organic humanness is important to me. Oof.

I tried to summarize in the end.
And I am aware this is melodramatic.
It's not your typical "met a guy at a bar, he had good chat.. et voila"
But I feel like someone else who had met someone intensely interesting under strange circumstances might empathize.

Essentially, I'm mostly wondering if anyone has been through similar and if/how:
A) did you achieve full closure?
Or
B) did you manage to heal the broken trust and mutual grief to come back together?

Nah, the universe has never rejoiced, probably not even cracked a smile.

Whenever someone comes here and writes about a messed up relationship and says it's nuanced...it always involves a flowery description of something very basic.

I don't blame Dan, since you asked for closure and then kept calling him and saying nothing? After he'd travelled all the way over to see you and you were seeing someone else by then. hed even offered to see how things went if you were single again. He doesn't sound like the best prospect with his past but you've given the poor man the run around.

You say you think he's your soul mate, but it sounds like you aren't his. A basic aspect of loving someone is not hurting them, and considering their feelings. If he were a freind and he told you this story from his perspective...would you advise him to get involved again? I wouldn't.

How old are you OP, that will make a difference to the advice you are given.

I can empathise - had a mini fling years ago while travelling that felt very intense. Kept in touch but it dwindled, I carried on enjoying imagining a future with him (limerance) which I’m sure involved me creating a character for him that was probably completely fictional as in reality I hardly knew him. The good news is that feelings fade, the stories start to get boring and you meet new people. You just need to realise that your fantasies are just that - and separate from real life.

Also OP it sounds like he has finally had enough of being messed around and finished it with you rather than you leaving him. If he wanted you I don’t think he’d have blocked you.
He really does sound like a loser though.

As pp said, it wasn't love only lust and fantasy.

Dan blocked you because you treated him badly and he doesn't want anything to do with you. What you need to do is reflect on your behaviour and accept that what you did was wrong. Maybe you can learn something from the experience and be less selfish next time.

Life isnt a film so closure isnt like a romantically wrought parting of ways.

You told him you picked William, and after much emotional string tugging he blocked you. That's the closure.

He may have already met someone else. So if you love him dont make the ending harder on him or any new situation he has difficult.

You walked away for a reason. You weren't geographically suitable, you knew nothing beyond a spark and some philosophical debates you enjoyed. I doubt hes coming back and if he did it still would be distant and you would still do this hiding your feelings and dramatic reveals.

He may have blocked you becauae this behaviour means he realised your values dont align. Or if you met him abroad maybe all the lovely chats were an attempt to get a visa to your country from you and when you picked William it wasnt worth his time.

You need to make peace with your choice. It was a good one irrespective of how it worked out

I’m sorry but is Dan from a third world country and a visa to your home country would be appealing? I think some people are skilled at acting and can work out what another person wants in a partner and reflect that back at them.