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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I left the love of my life and regret it: appropriate steps?

87 replies

AChangeofState · 26/08/2025 02:35

Please read if you have time, the context is nuanced:

2 years ago, I met someone (we'll call him Dan) truly one-of-a-kind... as in, I mean this person made me 180 on my stance on soulmates (from thinking they're a fairytale to knowing I had met my person).

He is my person.
We knew we loved each other very quickly, within a dew days...but decided to give it time, especially as we lived in different countries at the time. Ive never felt such peace and safety with a man, while at the same time having such excitement and chemistry. I've never felt so seen or been so curious.
Neither of us shared the depth of our feelings at the time... but we stayed in touch as friends regularly when we returned to our countries.

During this time, I went through heavy heartache with him being so far away, and realized I was falling for him, hard!
But, I tried to be realistic, what with him living abroad and us only knowing each other for a week in physical time.
But after months, I realized I had my dating life on hold for him. My heart was closed.
So I convinced myself Dan didn't feel the same. I spent months programming my mind to believe he didn't love me. And it worked. I moved on.

Then I met a man (William) in my hometown and for the first time in half a year, I felt openness in my heart.
He was a beautiful, gentle man and we began to spend more and more time.
It was a week after William and I met that Dan announced he planned to visit my country the following month.
I still believed we were over each other, so agreed to see him.
William and I first kissed a week before Dan arrived.
( I am someone who doesn't kiss anyone else if I'm sharing that with a person. )

So Dan arrives. And tells me his feelings for me haven't changed, only grown and that he knows he loves me.
I tell him about the man I'm dating.
I watched his heart break in real time. Quietly, it was like a light going out.
And my own heart shattered at the same moment.
I realized I'd fucked up.

Then and here is my stupidity: I began to think logically.

Dan has a chaotic past, childhood neglect, escapism, and past drug addiction (from which he was almost 10 years clean). He was a traveler and quite floaty in his life direction.

William was steady, settled, had a few tragic life events in his past, but had a good relationship with his family, made peace (from what I can tell) with his past, had a successful career, close community he is involved with and clear life goals that aligned with mine.

However:
Dan and I could talk for hours. It felt like our very beings melded... like the universe rejoiced when we were together. We met each other under the most bizarre circumstances and synchronicity I've ever experienced (Which I can elaborate on if wanted)
And I can hands down say I've never met anyone like this!
I fell in love with his soul.

Willia was sensible. But I found myself easily bored, conversations stagnated, I felt often like I was putting on a mask or trying to be what he wanted/expected of me. We never clicked. I respect who he is and love how he walks in the world. But I've never been able to be in love with him.

So I chose sense. I pushed the man I loved away and chose safety and security.
I broke my lovers heart...and my own.
We stayed in contact for a few months... after which I realized we were both still holding on to feelings for each other. Which didn't feel integral to my relationship. So I asked Dan for closure (even when I knew I truly wanted to be back with him... and he was open to this happening, should I become single)
He agreed to closure however, but we never managed to have the conversation. I would call him to try for closure and be unable to speak... literally.
Eventually he got so hurt by the waiting that he blocked me.

Now I feel I have been living in a relationship where I'm out of integrity with myself and my partner, so have hurt him and us by not being present.
And I have lost the love of my life by betraying my inner knowing.

TDLR:
I chose someone else over the love of my life out of fear of his past.... Now the man I love has blocked me and I don't know what to do. I believe he was my person and I want to fix this and be able to love him openly again. Is it too late?

OP posts:
90yomakeuproom · 26/08/2025 12:28

This is very similar to my situation. I feel for you. Even if it is AI I guess it's still your life. I'm tempted in my situation to just have neither and be alone for a while.

harriethoyle · 26/08/2025 12:31

For this to be a successful Mills and Boon submission, you need a happier ending. HTH.

Wishimaywishimight · 26/08/2025 12:38

What a load of guff! Written by some hormone addled 15 year old I'm guessing 🫣

Mischance · 26/08/2025 12:44

Ah - the loveable rogue! - irresistible! Thank goodness you had the good sense to resist him. Respect!

As to Willy-Boy - he was clearly not right for you either.

You now have a clean sheet - I would start writing if I were you!

ThunderousSkies · 26/08/2025 12:48

harriethoyle · 26/08/2025 12:31

For this to be a successful Mills and Boon submission, you need a happier ending. HTH.

I think for this to be a successful Mills and Boon, it needs a lot more structure!

From what I remember, each imprint had quite specific rules about what had to happen by chapter x and needed things to be rather plottier. 'I spent several months programming my mind to make myself believe he didn't love me' doesn't count as plot, unless the protagonist is simultanously invading a small country at the head of a robot army, or moving to the Cotswolds and opening a little tea room frequented by mysteriously hunky shepherds or something.

Also Dan would have to be a diving instructor who saved her from a shark attack or something.

Tay596 · 26/08/2025 13:32

Dan sounds like a disaster waiting to happen - plus you barely know/knew him. Things have ended with Tim because he wasn't right.

The next steps are to realise that neither of these men were right for you and move on.

Tootingbec · 26/08/2025 13:38

Dan (like William) will end up farting loudly next to you, leaving his pants next to the laundry basket rather than in it, will bore the tits off you about his expensive and time consuming hobby and only be capable of cooking by using every utensil and pan in the kitchen.

So honestly, you’re missing nothing really 😬

Tootingbec · 26/08/2025 13:38

Dan (like William) will end up farting loudly next to you, leaving his pants next to the laundry basket rather than in it, will bore the tits off you about his expensive and time consuming hobby and only be capable of cooking by using every utensil and pan in the kitchen.

So honestly, you’re missing nothing really 😬

littleburn · 26/08/2025 13:41

Which one is the vampire and which one is the werewolf?

Lolopolo · 26/08/2025 13:48

AI

harriethoyle · 26/08/2025 13:55

@ThunderousSkies there would need to be a few more heaving bosoms, and lingering glances a plenty. I tried to write a Mills and Boon once, it was surprisingly difficult and I gave up half way through 😂

HelpMeGetThrough · 26/08/2025 13:57

Tootingbec · 26/08/2025 13:38

Dan (like William) will end up farting loudly next to you, leaving his pants next to the laundry basket rather than in it, will bore the tits off you about his expensive and time consuming hobby and only be capable of cooking by using every utensil and pan in the kitchen.

So honestly, you’re missing nothing really 😬

Edited

It won’t be loud farting it will be the sound of the “universe rejoicing”.

aCatCalledFawkes · 26/08/2025 13:58

Dan sounds like a nightmare and you sound like you are looking at it with rose tinted spectacles because your not happy.

Dartmoorcheffy · 26/08/2025 13:58

Chatgpt is so good these days 🤣🤣

Henbags · 26/08/2025 14:01

Get a grip.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 26/08/2025 14:02

Both men are totally wrong for you. The ‘love’ you have for Dan is all in your head. He’s obviously not that great if he’s blocked you. You need to get back in the real world.

HelpMeGetThrough · 26/08/2025 14:03

Dartmoorcheffy · 26/08/2025 13:58

Chatgpt is so good these days 🤣🤣

PhD level stuff now.

NeverHadHaveHas · 26/08/2025 14:04

The universe rejoiced 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 get over yourself the universe doesn’t give a fuck 🤣

outerspacepotato · 26/08/2025 14:07

Shark jumped.

MrsMrsL · 26/08/2025 18:38

If you are a real human, you have read too many romance novels. You don't come across as mature enough to be in a romantic relationship - again assuming you are real. Take some time to live your life and be present in the real world, not a fantasy.

Someone2025 · 26/08/2025 19:09

Suednymph · 26/08/2025 09:11

I am dying to know the bizarre way you met Dan to be honest.

Agree!

Laura95167 · 26/08/2025 19:10

I dont really understand what your Qn is.

Dan lived in another country, your communication was never honest you both hid feelings, and it all sounds very whimsical and grounded in nothing. And you are just swept up in limerance.

Im pleased youve left William he wasnt right but I suspect Dan is just a fantasty and if you dont detach from it Dan's ghost will ruin the next relationship too

Laura95167 · 26/08/2025 19:31

I dont really understand what your Qn is.

Dan lived in another country, your communication was never honest you both hid feelings, and it all sounds very whimsical and grounded in nothing. And you are just swept up in limerance.

Im pleased youve left William he wasnt right but I suspect Dan is just a fantasty and if you dont detach from it Dan's ghost will ruin the next relationship too

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 26/08/2025 19:40

17 hours later, no return of AI OP.

Love isn't this complicated OP.

Just because he's the first man to make you believe in soul mates, doesn't meant he is yours.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 26/08/2025 19:45

I am of the firm belief that you can't really love someone until you know them inside out. You might think you do, but this is usually lust and a dose of wish fulfilment. Until you've missed a flight with someone, held the bucket while they vomited, sat with them while they cry over having a beloved pet pts - you can't say you love them. You don't know them. You love what you think they are.