Husband wants me to work full-time

[Lovelifesmile]

My husband and I have two children (aged 4 and 2). I currently work the equivalent of 3 days a week doing shift work and my husband works full-time at 5 days per week. I would like to work the equivalent of 4 days per week when my youngest child goes to school. My husband wants me to go full-time. My husbands income is £2700 per month. My income part-time 3 days per week is £2200 and if I worked 4 days per week I would earn £2900. We are comfortable financially as we are currently, and would be very comfortable with me going 4 days per week. I want to use the 'day off' per week to do the food shop, house cleaning, washing, gardening maintenance and food prep. My values are that I want to earn enough money to be comfortable, but also have time to do the housework, appointments, school admin and help with homework to free up our weekends to go out and not to household chores on the weekend. It appears my husband values money the most. If I was full time I would take home £3400 per month so it's a difference of £500 per month. I am more than happy for him to also drop to 4 days per week to spend more time with the children if he wants to, but he doesn't wish to do this.

So he's not willing to compromise on the job he wants to have, but is expecting you to?

No, you enjoy the flexibility of only working 4 days per week.

4 days a week is plenty with two young kids and a household to run.

If your DH want extra holidays and expensive hobbies he needs to find himself a side hustle.

@adviceneeded1990its all personal choice isn’t it. You are happy with how your family runs and I am happy with mine. I want to spend more than 20mins per day on the cooking, cleaning and ferrying my children to activities, (and doing the admin for it). We like our sports and home cooked food. It’s absolutely fine of course to choose to spend 20 mins a day on that, but it wouldn’t suit us.

That’s true we’re all different and the set ups people have probably do impact that - we’re all out of the house all day at school/nursery/work and out doing hobbies and clubs 4 nights a week and we really strongly prioritise being outside so the house probably gets a lot less messy/dirty than people who are at home through the day. There’s also a supermarket at the end of the road where DSD goes dancing so that’s an easy shopping slot once a week. I just don’t really believe that for any average sized family in a normal sized house that basic cleaning and chores is a reason for someone not to work, unless there’s a huge back story like they live 50 miles from anywhere or their commute leads to a 12 hour day so nothing can get done or they have 6 bathrooms and 8 bedrooms etc. I’d worry my DH was avoiding his family in some way if he chose to spend 5-6 hours of a weekend day cleaning!

This is a succint and accurate evaluation of the situation.

So he wants you to work full time so he can afford to do iron man? And who will be looking after the children while he is training and competing? Fuck off to the far side of fuck would be my response!

Haven't read the whole thread, but I so wish I'd just done 4 days when mine were that age, I worked full time plus overtime every 3rd weekend, and so regret not having the time to actually enjoy life and their younger years. Once I take into account what I spent on childcare etc, I probably wasn't much better off, and I was constantly tired and on 'catch up.

Stupidly I thought i had to do it all to keep up with the men at work, but realistically that wasn't possible, even though I was far more efficient and productive, they got the promotions.
If you can make it work, definitely stick to 4 days x

Maybe my post was poorly written but we definitely don’t spend 20 mins a day on all those things combined. We do hobbies or activities four nights per week and a Sat morning (and associated admin) and eat home cooked food most days but we batch cook and divide tasks so that no one person is doing it all. My concern for the OP was that if she goes back to work full time she’ll end up doing it all. If both partners work then both partners should be doing a 50% share of everything else, which we do, so things get done faster.

Haven't read the whole thread, but I so wish I'd just done 4 days when mine were that age, I worked full time plus overtime every 3rd weekend, and so regret not having the time to actually enjoy life and their younger years. Once I take into account what I spent on childcare etc, I probably wasn't much better off, and I was constantly tired and on 'catch up.

Stupidly I thought i had to do it all to keep up with the men at work, but realistically that wasn't possible, even though I was far more efficient and productive, they got the promotions.
If you can make it work, definitely stick to 4 days x

So with you both full time and young children, either he would have to take on 50% of the chores and organisation, or you would need to outsource it. So a cleaner 3 hours a week, a childminder for some of the pick ups and drop offs and caring for the children around nursery and school hours to allow you to work, plus the cost of after school and breakfast clubs and nursery hours. That all going to cost a lot more than £500 a month.

@adviceneeded1990
you said upthread that it can all be done in twenty minutes a day. You’re now saying that your child goes to activities 4 times a week. I’d say it’s an unusual set up to be able to ferry your child to an activity, cook for them, do their homework with them, their laundry, the school admin, the pack lunch for the next day, change the bedding if it’s that day etc etc, in 20 minutes.

If tou go full time then householed chores should be split equally and weekends should also be split equally, so 3hen is he going to find the time to do all this rock climbing and iron man. Sounds like he wants you to cover the majority of everything.
I woukd set oht all the taska that need doing, washing, cleaning, ironing, kids activities etc and ask him how he sees them being split if you are also full time. I suspect this will change his mind

Only comment I would make is don’t go part time to become housewife skivvy and domestic PA ….do it to be there for the kids only

at higher salary you can outsource domestic duties like getting cleaner, buy shopping on line, get gardener etc.

youre higher wage is paying for your living now BUT critically is is also paying for your future pension. And NI contributions. Don’t overlook that ..it is critical longer term

working part time also, imhe, is extremely likely to make the domestic and emotional labour firmly your job in your partners eyes for forever. Once you’ve done it for a few years, partner will expect it having gotten used to having a “mum” to clear up after him and his kids, and to do the emotional labour for him and his kids. It’s a bloody hard habit for him to break, tends to result in planned helplessness if you can get him to pick it up agian, or you having issues he doesn’t do it to same standard as you expect.

Even though my exh was very domesticated, I insisted when I went back full time, that we paid for cleaner, got shop deliveries etc…bugger if I was goin*to earn wage I was and then spend precious non working time cleaning etc. it also meant I was not pissed off with the sole destroying effect of spending 3 hours cleaning house only for kids and exh to wreck it again 3 days later. I could look at the mess buidling up over 2 weeks and not get stressed about it…not my job any more. That feeling wss like gold dust to me.

work part time by all means, while little ones is not at school, and be there totally for your kid to give them a real boost in early support. Then switch part time to term time working, or school hours working, if possible when kids are at primary. So you are there for them during hols or before/after school when they need you.

don’t give up well paid working hours to do domestic grunge…much more cost-effective for you to employ someone else’s to do it, and provide employment for someone else too. Win win. Hats off to cleaners everywhere- it’s bloody exhausting work.

maybe my post was poorly written

your post was a denigration of mine which was about the fact that if you both work full time then all the chores and children’s activities pile up for the weekend. You scoffed at that saying it can all be done in twenty minutes a day. You now seem to be changing what you said and adding in ferrying the children to activities during the week.

My exact thoughts!!

Makes me sad to read. No time to enjoy your children? Two children are also a lot of work for a mother. I feel women are expected to be workhorses now. Life is not all about work :-(.

..he would like more money to build more savings, go on a few lavish holidays a year and he would like to go rock climbing and participate in sport events such as Iron Man which are not cheap activities. We already put some money into savings per month on our current income and I would be happy with one nice holiday per year etc.

@Lovelifesmile So basically he wants you to sacrifice your personal work life balance which is of no detriment to family finances and in fact benefits the family as a whole just so he can indulge his own personal interests more?!

i think your compromise of 4 days is perfect, especially as it surpasses his FT earnings also. If he still thinks irs not filling the coffers up fast enough then he needs to work a little harder himself perhaps, apply himself and work on obtaining a promotion 🙄

I think I’ve found the answer. Your husband could spend one of his weekend days doing an extraordinarily physically demanding job, and he can cycle there and back. Get the training in and get paid for it- win-win.

Tell him to pay for his own hobbies.

I wouldn’t; you already pull more weight proportionately both financially and in family service. But to those saying 4 days are ‘too much’, you do realise there’s a whole world of FT working mothers out there?

IME it is harder when they are in primary school. Working when my dc was with a childminder all day was relatively straightforward. Once they went into reception it was much harder to arrange childcare, school constantly wanted me to attend meetings, events, make costumes, cakes, sell raffle tickets, there was the homework, the projects, dress up day, book week, swimming lessons, PE days, school trips, volunteer for this that and the other. Like having another job. Always juggling and stressed.
Secondary much easier in many ways, but harder in terms of actual parenting.
It sounds like you have 3 children, not 2 and the large one has not factored in domestic and child care responsibilities at all.

“I’d honestly say we spend about 15-20 mins a night doing a tidy before bed.”

That’s the part of my post you are quoting I assume as it’s the only mention of 20 minutes?
Nowhere did I say everything could be done in 20 minutes.

If he is allowed to prioritise his wellbeing over maximising his earnings then so are you.

Just because a pp says there is “a whole army of full time working mothers out there” doesn’t mean YOU have to be. You can have different priorities if you want to and are (albeit luckily) in a position to CHOOSE a different way. Mothers working like a dog against their own nature and wishes and the well being of themselves and their family is nothing to be recommended, though on Mumsnet that is often held up as an achievement.

Do you have any mortgage/rent cost?