Something isn't right thread #2

[FourAndFive]

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

@whackamole666 I think it's model trains and train spotting and steam trains , heritage railways etc.

She’s made it perfectly clear what he needs to do. Why on earth would you think he doesn’t know what to do ? Seems clear as day to me.

Solidarity to you OP. I had a variant of this 20 years ago, in the months running up to our planned wedding. He was devastated that I was upset by his relationship with her but absolutely couldn't stop it, sorry.

I broke up with him at that point, because it wasn't a situation I could cope with. He then was profuse with apologies and promised to drop her utterly, no problem. Ironically that made me even angrier, as he refused to drop her when I asked him to but did it instantly when I dropped him :/

He did then pursue me for ages - it turns out at the same time he was shagging the other woman. Like an idiot I stupidly gave in at one point and snogged him, lots of happy talk of reunion. Then the next day he said "Yeah, <name> would be devastated. Maybe things are best as they are" 😳reader, I detonated. That fucking idiot.

Anyway. As I said above - solidarity, and you are doing so well ❤

Unless you're privy to their conversations, you can't possibly say that OP isn't laying it out to him. Respectfully, you need to back off. This isn't a game, this is OP's real life and she's allowed to progress the collapse of her marriage at any pace she pleases, rather than at breakneck speed just so it soothes your frustration.

I completely agree. It might not be OP's style and that's ok short term but it's fair to say that he doesn't seem to have been told what to expect. I also agree with @ThatBlackCat

Probably he's used to his actions not having any repercussions.

You've made really good use of your time, imo. You are prepared with legal advice if necessary. You have told family and friends and they've been supportive.

Now it's the waiting game to see if he takes his marriage more seriously than his emotional affair. He's living some of the consequences by being out of the family home. People around you know he:s not the good guy in this.

It also gives you time to adjust to the break in what had been a long and happy marriage.

Just a thought, but I'm not sure that couples therapy is the right path to start with. He needs to fully admit to himself that he has feelings and fantasies regarding this woman that make maintaining a relationship with her absolutely out of the question if he wants to stay with his wife. Would he come to admit that more easily in individual therapy with a good therapist? Probably. Also saves the OP from having to sit through all his infuriating mental gymnastic denials and justifications again.

what is the hobby?
not knowing is v disorientating

She shouldn't have to "force" him to give up his OW, he should be doing it off his own back otherwise it doesn't really mean anything does it. He is showing her who he is and who he will continue to be. I'm sure OP doesn't want to have to police his behaviour.
I'm guessing the longer he takes to drop his special friend (if he ever does) the more OP will hate him.
She's already seen solicitors and got him to leave, sounds like she's got this

What do you mean - "disorientating" not knowing the hobby?

Just chiming in to add to the chorus of voices supporting the OP. I think you are fabulous and coping extremely well in such a difficult situation. All these strangers are proud of you.

I think couples counselling has been suggested but personally I do not think this is a good idea at this stage. Individual counselling, sure. But the OP’s husband knows what he needs to do, and no amount of counselling will change that. OP needs to stay firm with her boundaries.

Wow op I’ve just had a skim through both threads.

She’s booked an overnight stay with him? She certainly isn’t as innocent as you may think she is! What sort of a woman books overnight stays with a married man?

He only told you about her so it was out in the open, thinking if he brainwashed you into thinking they’re just ‘friends’ then he could carry on seeing her while making you think “oh it’s ok they’re just friends”! I suspect other people have also noticed and made comments to them about how much time they spend together or he will have found out that he’s part of some rumour that’s being spread around the other people involved in this hobby so he thought it was better to tell you first…. before they did or before you found out another way! What a twat!

Him saying he’s suicidal is just a way to manipulate you into accepting this young woman otherwise if you don’t then he will threaten suicide! This is so manipulative and controlling and emotionally abusive as he’s trying to force you to stay in this ridiculous situation and be unhappy while he gets to go about enjoying his hobby… and the presence of that woman!! It’s actually a well known trait that an emotionally abusive person will try to either stop you from leaving or to guilt you into something.

More to the point, he’d rather (threaten to) end his life than stop all communication and meets with her!

He’s lied, he’s gaslighted you and deleted messages from his phone, which you say he never deletes messages! So again, this raises suspicions.

He’s been name dropping and making strange comments about how much he’s made friends.

He refuses to stop contact with her and still meets up with her. Despite him knowing how you feel about it and despite you saying you want him to have no contact with her.

She’s told all her family about him to the point they’ve been dying to meet him! How strange!

She’s messaging him all the time, far too much for a woman to be messaging a married man! Just friends? Yeah right! And why does a married man his age need to be friends with a young woman his age to the point they’re inseparable!

I’d say they are pretty much head over heels with each other ant this stage. And if there’s nothing happening between them at the moment, then there sure will be at this overnight stay! And I’d say that they are BOTH hoping something will happen! There’s no way I’d book an overnight stay with a married man! What planet is she on!! She knows full well what she’s doing, so does he!

All the red flags and signs are definitely there!

I really wouldn’t be talking to him about couples therapy - like you said, he’s happy to do all that but not cut contact with this woman! So he’d just be going through the motions. Pointless going to therapy unless he really wants to sort his marriage out which he seems to be refusing to do by not cutting contact. So again, another manipulation tactic by him to make you think he wants to work on your marriage while keeping this young woman around. At this stage it would be over if it was my marriage. The utter disrespect to you and disregard of your marriage he is showing you says it all really.

just a random stranger on the internet here OP, but so proud of you for the grace in handling this. and Patience.

you have all of us here cheering you on and I know you've got this

I am glad you've got some space OP. And also, you owe strangers on the internet nothing at all.
Funny how he's offering to do so many effortful, long drawn out, expensive, emotionally gruelling things "for you" (ha!) - except for the single, simple, completely free of cost thing you need him to do.
He'll do anything - to keep having his cake and eating it. He really thinks with a bit of therapy and chat you'll get back in your facilitating-him box? I hope he comes to his senses, for his sake. How long do you think you'll give him?

Probably he's used to his actions not having any repercussions.

This is a bizarre statement, too. You think that in the many years we have been together, I have just been a doormat - allowing him his whims?

He has never done anything like this before.

OP I think you are doing really well.

Have you actually given him an ultimatum yet as I think the time is now.

Hi Op, there is so much here. I’ve read a lot, but not 100% sorry.. I’m really sorry you are going through this.

Id like to say, as you and others already mentioned, it’s very possible the 28 yo doesn’t realise what is happening (although you would hope she did.)

When I was 26 my uncle started suggesting meeting up with me, he was probably about 50 at the time.

I was in a difficult place, living for a few months with abusive family (only time since I was 18, before or after) and he was an uncle from the side of the family I didn’t know (my dad’s brother.) We didn’t text much, but I was happy to meet him as thought I’d learn about my father and family.

Anyway, after a few of these meet ups, he turned up at my work unannounced one day and asked if I’d like to do something after work. It was that evening that he told me he was attracted to me. I had NO IDEA this was coming, and I asked him to take me back and didn’t meet him again. These years later, my aunt tends to act a bit strangely around me. Goodness knows what he told her.

But I paid for therapy 10 years later to work through it, confronted him privately, he apologised and I decided to forgive him.

I do think this is different from your situation as it has been going on a long while, and I don’t mean to put it all on your husband.. but I want to share that whilst a 28 yo should ideally know what kind of impact it would have on your marriage, it’s possible they just don’t. Also depending on her background (if very abusive, isolated etc) she may see him as an older man she can trust.

Really hoping you are doing ok and things will work out ok 🙏 xx

I think if the husband has never done anything like this before then there haven't been any consequences previously.

The poster, his wife is saying now she knows about what has been happening, she will not tolerate it. She has asked him for space and he is now outside of the family home. He has crossed boundaries and nothing in either thread suggests he has done this before or that the poster has tolerated this behaviour before.

If your marriage is tracking along and everything is going well and you have no reason to suspect anything untoward is going on, you wouldn't think that your husband would be having a secret friendship with a 28yr old woman who is better at his obsessive hobby them him.

It isn't OP's responsibility to adhere to your timetable. She has enough to deal with.

Some of the comments regarding how the OP is responding/acting are really bizarre. Whilst 'leave the bastard' is banded around very easily on here, the reality is much more complex for most relationships (where there isn't outright abuse or exploitation of some sort etc).

The OP has been married a long time, has had a loving relationship and grown a loving family. Her DH's behaviour is out of character and likely born out of a deluded, misplaced limerence, I'm almost certain he'll snap out of it at some point and be horrified at himself - and if I was the OP, I'd probably think like this - and hope for this. Because I wouldn't necessarily throw away a long marriage in a heartbeat. I'd do exactly what the OP is doing. Putting in boundaries, carving space, making her intentions and feelings explicitly clear. You don't just jump to LTB - it's a process of phases. If it happens at all.

Marriages can go to the edge and still recover. Not everything is black and white.

@FourAndFive Good to hear from you again.

Not keen on ultimatums, myself. If I had a five pound note for every time that I'd given a 'leave her or else type' ultimatum to my ghastly late alcoholic ex husband, I would be papering the walls of my nice house in the Bahamas instead of packing away my Lidl shop in the cupboard of my modest kitchen.

I knew that he would never give up OW, for, just like your guy, he was up to the top of his ears in limerence, and once that particular horror grabs you by the bum, you've had it.

I wouldn't have the temerity to suggest to you what to do next. You're right that he has to be the one to fish himself out of the mess he has got himself into.

Sorry to read that your Dad's had a fall. After my marriage to the alcoholic exh ended, I was lucky to come across a guy who worshipped the ground I walked on, to the point that he moved over from Australia where he had been living for 20 years, and came to live with me here in the UK. Sadly after 10 blissful years he contracted dementia and Parkinsons, and I became his carer for the last 5 years of his life. He died at the end of January 2023. I will miss him until the day we are back together again.

I hope that your Dad's fall was a one off. In my case, as my DP's Parkinsons worsened, he would fall at the drop of a hat, sometimes breaking furniture and injuring himself in the process.. One second upright, the next second in a heap. Love to your Pa. Please give him big snuggles from

Teacosy x

Sending much love, Teacosy, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry this happened to you - what an awful situation to be in. Thank you for sharing.

You are handling this situation like a boss. You are strong, classy and impressive. We are all pulling for your happiness.

Thank you @FourAndFive it is still horrible in various ways. They’ve not shown up for me, although I’m the only living relative on that side apart from my uncle and his children.

I noticed you had some really helpful thoughts for Op xx