Something isn't right thread #2

[FourAndFive]

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

Checking in to gloat. What an awesome woman you are.

He is unjured so cannot do the hobby. That is a bit like recompense

Gloating.

@Thewookiemustgo but seeing their behaviour after it all goes to s**t is such a turn off . And I don't mean sexually (though any desire is killed stone dead too), I mean in every other way. That they could be so dismissive and, indirectly, be so cruel as they put everything they felt way above the person they were meant to be committed to?

I'm in awe of @FourAndFiveas she seems so calm and centered about things.

I'm joining in on the communal gloat too as I had to have mine solo with my XH.
Unlike Wookies DH, I dumped mine and he tried to make it work with his object of limerance. Of course, it all collapsed within a year and by the time he realised what he'd lost, I'd moved on.
@FourAndFive step by step. Definitely get individual counselling just for you. Do all the stuff to make yourself feel good (I mean the 'trivial' stuff like hair, time out for yourself etc) and live in a detached way for a while.

I'm definitely up for gloating, he's a f'king idiot!

Collectively gloating with you all. Full of admiration for you @FourAndFive xxx

My husband’s affair didn’t end because it turned to shit, it was in full swing. He ended it himself because he hated himself. His OW didn’t dump him or want it to end, she was badgering him to leave me and still hanging around when it was over.
The wake up part was him hating who he was and hating what he was doing. Reality hit because of something he did which he thought at the time was going to be fine and that he’d enjoy. He didn’t, it highlighted to him (I had no idea what he was doing at the time) what a shit he was being and he hated himself. His ending it himself plus his behaviour afterwards is exactly why I chose reconciliation. My husband as he was was indeed a total turn off in all respects but I accept that humans do bad things and I judge people by what they do about putting things right when they fuck up. What they did might mean I may or may not want a relationship with them after the fuck up, but even if I don’t, I still respect those who own their own shit, get honest, be accountable for their actions without blaming others and external issues and want to make amends.
Reconciliation is most certainly not for everyone and I never recommend it to anyone, as on MN nobody except the OP ever has the full story of the OP’s relationship and it is always their choice.
I was only commenting to agree that without the realisation from the unfaithful partner that they are in a stupid limerant situation and that they have lost their integrity and honesty, there’s no safe way back, even if you want to save your marriage.
Limerance acts like an addiction. Any addicted person always puts anything their drug makes them feel above the people they love. This isn’t an excuse however, not at all, they still know they are chasing illicit sex or a drink or cocaine etc, but it isn’t until they break away from the addiction that they realise just how awful they were being and how far they went. Lying to yourself about your behaviour leads you down a worse and worse path and you are very unlikely to wake up and realise you are out of control and far away from your standards until something happens that shows you. Denial and self-deception are dangerous and we are all capable of it.

I’m personally also extremely glad it turned to shit for OP’s DH, all unfaithful people deserve a sharp kick in the arse from the situation they chose and created.

So much good advice.
I would just suggest that such a selfish man may yet have a self serving epiphany if her withdrawal is permanent.
I really hope if that were to happen you wouldn't allow him to land on his feet and return home.
Much better you continue to take your space and decide what your future holds.
Respect, admiration and trust are not easily regained.
I would say impossible when the behaviour has been as poor as his.
You really deserve so much better.

More gloating here. I really admire the way you are taking your time, which allows nuances to emerge.

Another voice here to add to the gloating pile. He’s brought this on himself and due to his own behaviour, he now risks ending up with no one.

I think that concerns me OP is that he hasn’t voluntarily taken a step back here. His injury has forced him to take a break and her sudden silence has also prevented him from pursuing their usual messaging. That doesn’t feel like him coming to a realisation but more his hand being forced so he’s reluctantly saying the “right” things. If he was coming to this realisation while things were still red-hot between them I’d say it’s progress - but that’s not the case.

The risk that I see is him saying all the right things - and meaning it - but if she suddenly reignites her interest, is he going to go running after her again?

Also, are you able to tell us why she’s suddenly gone cold - does she have a new beau? 👀

What do your children think now?

Thank you so much for coming back to keep us all updated. You can only do what feels right for you in each moment - take what feels useful from comments on this thread. You have your own future in your hands which is a powerful position to be in.

Showing up for the gloating group. OP you just keep doing what works best for you and he can come to the realisation that he has messed up on his own. Or maybe he won't but you are strong enough to know your worth and demand to be treated well.

Gloat away. And take note of what @Thewookiemustgo said- there’s a lot of wisdom there. I hope your H gets it, sharpish- IME when love fades because you’re being rejected at every turn, it doesn’t come back. He needs to realise what he’s going to lose.

Gloat away. Im finding it confusing though without knowing what has caused the friend to go MIA. Did everyone know this would happen?

Oh im here for a collective gloat. What a fool. I wonder why she has cooled. It seems strange seeing how dependant she was and how attentive he was and her families reaction to him. His injury has forced him to cool off his hobby, well he can sit in the hole he has dug himself.
I do hope you and your children are ok. I say ok as it's still purgatory at the moment. Has his friend not said time to move out buddy?

Looks like it's all coming to an end, but not for the right reasons.

OP's husband still regards her as plan B.

How are you supposed to spend the next 30+ years married to somebody that is such a weakass that he's still feebly texting her for crumbs, while expecting you to wait patiently in the wings.

I am so blown away by the grace and dignity that you display in this unasked for situation. You must be so challenged by the whole thing and yet you hold your head high and manage to retain your self respect. You definitely are not a walkover - this takes huge inner strength. Your approach is to be admired.

On another note - couples counselling does not aim necessarily to save a relationship, it might serve to end it cordially and in the best way possible for both parties.

In my opinion you are doing everything right.

This 👆. Right now he considers you his safe space. He can be selfish and hurtful but he thinks your history together means when he’s ready or when you have finally had enough he can turn it around. What he doesn’t realise is he can’t control how you feel and every disrespectful action or hurtful word will chip away at your love and view of him. That’s not something he can come back from when he chooses. He’s losing you piece by piece but he doesn’t see it.

To use the analogy you can take a horse to water but can’t make it drink. In this scenario you have shown him the way forward but he still refuses to drink. You thought you needed the horse for your journey because he was carrying all your bags. But when you look at it you realise there is only one small bag is yours — and you can carry that alone. The rest is his baggage.

He needs to feel that you are moving on and his actions have destroyed the love you felt for him. If this isn’t the scariest possible scenario, if losing his hobby and OW are what is making him depressed, then know your worth and move on. He might regret it later but once you are over him it will be too late.

I'm glad he seems to be coming to his senses slightly. But it's no fun living with a misery, is it? Seems to prove that the hobby and the other person actually were his happiness after all, but luckily for him, you're still around. I hope he appreciates you for you OP, and not just as a shoulder to cry on. You're not a consolation prize.

Im here for an unlurking gloat too.

Could it be that she is taken up by a new boyfriend. Perhaps someone nearer her own age, and she simply doesnt have the time (or boyfriend has suggested he sounds like a creep) has made her self aware and pull back. I hope she has found someone else, someone young, handsome and spectacular at the joint hobby. But thats just me wanting him to be pulled up short by reality.

And dont let yourself be the consolation prize. I dont think you will, but I bet he thinks you will. He needs the Big Shocks here

Gloating with pleasure here.
But I agree you should not be a fall back/ consolation prize.
If she has backed off & he finds himself jilted, he has backtracked because she has not reciprocated, not because he realized you were his faithful loving wife.

Not to be a consolation spouse. So what is going to happen if he returns to the marriage?

What is next on the cards? A consolation cushy life for him or a divorce? We do not get to decide, do we

This same situation happened to my parents, probably several times over the years but the one I know about culminated in a physical affair. My mum still took him back.
As a young adult It ruined my relationship with her and him.
It coloured everything after and I had to put strong boundaries in place to protect myself emotionally from the fall out.
My mum died last year, she decided to decline treatment and I'm sure it is because she didn't trust my dad enough to allow him to look after her. So yet another impact of his poor behaviour on me as a daughter 20 years later.
My father continues his behaviour only this week telling me about a vulnerable 22 year-old he is taking to lunch and giving life advice too.
So even though your kids are older ( I had 2 children of my own at the time of the affair) his behaviour will impact your family dynamics and change your relationship with your children.
I am sure you are considering your family unit as you navigate this, but just a warning of the long term impacts which can be unseen at the time and have devastating consequences.

Happy to join the gloat. Is this a hobby where injuries are common? If so he could be throwing away his marriage over something he wont be able to do forever anyway. Maybe he needs some help to recognise that being this dependent on one hobby is unwise.

Op, coming along to join the gloating train too!
I hope he’s taking some time to reflect on his behaviour and his priorities.
it is a slow road and I can only send love and commend you on your calm and measured approach to this absolute shitshow that he’s thrust upon you.
x