Page 16 | Something isn't right thread #2

FourAndFive · 2025-08-21T10:18:44+00:00

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting. [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1]]

Ticktockwatchclock · 30/09/2025 18:23

Doesn’t seem like OP is coming back as hasn’t posted since 12/09

*Edited to correct spelling

Original poster

FourAndFive · 01/10/2025 16:22

Hello all,

I've not posted because there hasn't been much to update honestly, but I am keeping an eye on the thread. I’ve just been getting on with life. It’s quiet, purgatory, and everything in between.

I know she hasn’t been in touch with him for weeks (there is a reason). And I know she's only replying when he texts her, never starting a conversation - he told me this and I believe him. He is injured at the moment so his hobby is on the back burner which is proving very very hard going for him. He's very, very doom and gloom.

The past few weeks have clearly pushed him to some sort of breakthrough. He’s now saying that ‘she’s not that special’ and ‘I’ll stop being friends with her if that will make you happy, even though I’ll be sad.’ I've told him that's it’s not a competition, and I can SEE what's going on - I am patient, not stupid. Honestly, it’s pathetic really and it hasn't helped him out AT ALL. I do welcome the shift though in some respects - it means the conversation can move forward rather than staying stagnant.

Real life is smacking him squarely in the balls - and it hurts. Is it wrong to gloat?

I know her silence isn’t a solution, just a delay to whatever the next stage is - reconciliation or divorce. And that is purgatory some days, I tell you.

My plan is to see the marriage counselling through and I'd decided this anyway. I wont waiver unless I'm certain there isn't a way back. This makes me feel strong - these are my decisions, not his. He still wants us to be together, but it will be on my terms, not his.

I will keep the thread updated when there is something to update. So many of you have been so, so kind and helpful with such words of wisdom and from experience - my mind has been blown a fair few times. And just as much for all the women who will come behind me - I'll keep posting whatever happens.x

OP posts:

7372RR · 01/10/2025 16:26

Real life is smacking him squarely in the balls - and it hurts. Is it wrong to gloat?

No. You would have to be a ruddy saint not to.

Madchest · 01/10/2025 16:32

Do you think the penny has dropped for her and she has either rejected his advances or just got the ick or the collywobbles when she saw he had separated?

Standingtree · 01/10/2025 16:34

Well.done Op, you amazingly strong, I hope you find the right solution for you.You're doing a great job ,your calm demanour wows me.

Washingupdone · 01/10/2025 16:45

Thank you for your update FourAndFive.

He’s pathetic in that he has brought it all on himself but he won’t admit it.
Do you know why she has stopped texting him, was it him or you or someone else that changed her mind? Has the event they were going to happened yet?

Look after yourself and stay strong.

Keyhooks · 01/10/2025 16:48

Well done OP.
I really hope you get the ick for this sleazeball.
He is so unworthy of you.

outerspacepotato · 01/10/2025 17:14

There is no shame in gloating that he was the dog with two bones that now has neither due to his own actions. A period of quiet reflection on his own about how and why he's where he is will do him no harm. He now has baggage to carry.

I do think it might be time for him to do some individual counseling. Is he starting have some self awareness that he's the problem? Does he have any insight as to why he let this go so far he was threatening suicide if you didn't agree to him road tripping with her? You're likely better off as you are until he has that awareness and insight into his motivations. Otherwise, he'll just repeat it.

I'm glad she's gone much lower contact with him for whatever reason. I think their relationship was toxic and she's better off away from that.

You've handled everything so well, you should be proud of your strength and grace under this pressure.

Original poster

FourAndFive · 01/10/2025 17:19

@Washingupdone - the event isn't for a while yet - but he has said that he wont do it. Which is another breakthrough.

Honestly, she may not even know our circumstances, it would be easy enough for him to hide it. I haven't asked if she knows. I don't care really. I haven't been in touch with her, and she doesn't know any of our friends (especially the ones that do know) at all. My ferocious best friend might be to blame - but I doubt it - perish the thought!.

@Madchest I do know why she hasn't been in touch, and I knew this might be the case at least for a short while - but for her to go this cold on him has surprised and shocked him, I think. It really has. She could well have the ick.

If it does start up again as before, having got this far, so painfully slowly - it may well be the final nail in the coffin.

OP posts:

Original poster

FourAndFive · 01/10/2025 17:25

outerspacepotato · 01/10/2025 17:14

There is no shame in gloating that he was the dog with two bones that now has neither due to his own actions. A period of quiet reflection on his own about how and why he's where he is will do him no harm. He now has baggage to carry.

I do think it might be time for him to do some individual counseling. Is he starting have some self awareness that he's the problem? Does he have any insight as to why he let this go so far he was threatening suicide if you didn't agree to him road tripping with her? You're likely better off as you are until he has that awareness and insight into his motivations. Otherwise, he'll just repeat it.

I'm glad she's gone much lower contact with him for whatever reason. I think their relationship was toxic and she's better off away from that.

You've handled everything so well, you should be proud of your strength and grace under this pressure.

I'm glad she's gone much lower contact with him for whatever reason. I think their relationship was toxic and she's better off away from that.

I agree. There is a lot for me and DH to unpack in what you've captured here - his need to 'care' for her, and her 'dependence' on him? I don't know where to start with that at the moment, but it will come.

As for the rest - we've got all that to unravel yet. I'm not sure he knows the answers, and I'm not sure he's ready to admit anything either. Until he is, we can't move forward.

Thank you for your kind words too.

(edited to elaborate a bit!)

OP posts:

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 01/10/2025 17:34

You're doing amazingly @FourAndFive .
You will find the bar for him to return is higher now you've had some time without him ( it's amazing how much time and energy is freed up when they aren't there!) - it's not a bad thing whichever way this path takes you.
Sending a hug.
I'm slightly gloating on your behalf at his turn of luck 😉

Original poster

FourAndFive · 01/10/2025 17:42

Allthegoodonesareg0ne · 01/10/2025 17:34

You're doing amazingly @FourAndFive .
You will find the bar for him to return is higher now you've had some time without him ( it's amazing how much time and energy is freed up when they aren't there!) - it's not a bad thing whichever way this path takes you.
Sending a hug.
I'm slightly gloating on your behalf at his turn of luck 😉

Isn't it!! It is quite something. The best thing about this thread is the wise women giving me the words to go with my feelings - I feel that bar getting higher, but I wouldn't be able to give you words to that effect - thank you, once more @Allthegoodonesareg0ne

Hug appreciated, too.x

I officially want the whole thread joining me in the gloat! Collective gloating should be a thing.

OP posts:

DipsyDee · 01/10/2025 17:56

FourAndFive · 01/10/2025 16:22

Hello all,

I've not posted because there hasn't been much to update honestly, but I am keeping an eye on the thread. I’ve just been getting on with life. It’s quiet, purgatory, and everything in between.

I know she hasn’t been in touch with him for weeks (there is a reason). And I know she's only replying when he texts her, never starting a conversation - he told me this and I believe him. He is injured at the moment so his hobby is on the back burner which is proving very very hard going for him. He's very, very doom and gloom.

The past few weeks have clearly pushed him to some sort of breakthrough. He’s now saying that ‘she’s not that special’ and ‘I’ll stop being friends with her if that will make you happy, even though I’ll be sad.’ I've told him that's it’s not a competition, and I can SEE what's going on - I am patient, not stupid. Honestly, it’s pathetic really and it hasn't helped him out AT ALL. I do welcome the shift though in some respects - it means the conversation can move forward rather than staying stagnant.

Real life is smacking him squarely in the balls - and it hurts. Is it wrong to gloat?

I know her silence isn’t a solution, just a delay to whatever the next stage is - reconciliation or divorce. And that is purgatory some days, I tell you.

My plan is to see the marriage counselling through and I'd decided this anyway. I wont waiver unless I'm certain there isn't a way back. This makes me feel strong - these are my decisions, not his. He still wants us to be together, but it will be on my terms, not his.

I will keep the thread updated when there is something to update. So many of you have been so, so kind and helpful with such words of wisdom and from experience - my mind has been blown a fair few times. And just as much for all the women who will come behind me - I'll keep posting whatever happens.x

I applaud your strength in dealing with this. Your husband has acted like a complete tot and now the ball is very much in YOUR court.

pikkumyy77 · 01/10/2025 17:59

I have been working with someone in limerance and its a long way back to get to normal. I think the shame, the feeling like one has been a fool, is too unpleasant for people to admit to. They would prefer to feel like they were raptured away by something too strong for them.

Madchest · 01/10/2025 18:00

I’ll gloat for you. You have got through this with dignity and emotional intelligence.

Keep up the distance. Don’t rush in to having him back home or to inadvertently soothing his pining for her.

He needs to feel your detachment and loss for it to hurt and for him to want to earn it back again - otherwise he will have learnt nothing and your reconciliation / relationship will have zero depth and trust and will flounder again.

Kimsey1509 · 01/10/2025 18:04

🙋Gloating here. Hope his balls are so bruised too.
You on the other hand have shown nothing but Love, Kindness and a great strength of character. You really should be so proud of yourself, following your own path and the fact that you haven’t given up on him. Can’t say the same for him . Can I just ask how your children are , though should say young adults? Have they spoken to him about this?
Sending love and hugs your way 💐

teksquad · 01/10/2025 18:08

I'm gloating on your behalf OP. I also loved the analogy of 'a dog with 2 bones (dicks?), now has none'. The irony.

And how quickly it has soured. Couldn't live without her to 'she's not all that' in what a few months? Lots for him to examine there.

Great to hear that you could easily live without him now. That's the ideal.position for you. The ball's in his court, let him do the work, or not. He's the one having a midlife crisis though, not you.

Secondstart1001 · 01/10/2025 18:19

Consider me gloating in unison with all the ladies on this post. I have no wise words as feeling very poorly but I’m glad you go from
strength to strength x

finallyicandomyhistory · 01/10/2025 18:27

Fellow floater in arms here too

finallyicandomyhistory · 01/10/2025 18:28

Gloater not floater!! Omg 🤣

OchreRaven · 01/10/2025 18:40

I disagree that not much has happened. It sounds as though quite a bit has — you’ve realised you can live without him and won’t accept his previous behaviour, he’s realised that he is not as important to her as he believed and he’s accepted some conditions on moving forward.

However what he has offered is the bare minimum to move forward and does not go far enough. Why on earth is he still messaging her when he’s told you she’s not that important to him, and acknowledged that she has pulled back? Why continue to jeopardise a marriage that he has assured you he wants?

You have said you believe his version of events I.e. very few messages all instigated by him. Why? Do you trust him implicitly regardless of his previous attempts to keep you in the dark about his relationship with this woman? Have you asked to see the evidence? I appreciate your need to see the couples counselling through but not if he’s not being 100% honest with the facts.

Noshadelamp · 01/10/2025 19:11

The past few weeks have clearly pushed him to some sort of breakthrough. He’s now saying that ‘she’s not that special’ and ‘I’ll stop being friends with her if that will make you happy, even though I’ll be sad.’ @FourAndFive

It's progress but still not taking responsibility for it all, must be so frustrating for you. He already knows what you want. Let's hope his next breakthrough is closer to "I'm so sorry for it all, I've stopped my friendship and understand how awful I've been, how can I make it up to you?"

Thank you for the update, I often think of you and hope you are doing ok. You don't owe us though, please don't feel pressured!

Thewookiemustgo · 01/10/2025 19:19

pikkumyy77 · 01/10/2025 17:59

I have been working with someone in limerance and its a long way back to get to normal. I think the shame, the feeling like one has been a fool, is too unpleasant for people to admit to. They would prefer to feel like they were raptured away by something too strong for them.

I think you’re right. It’s not until reality hits and the penny drops that the realisation that you’ve been an infatuated fool who nearly threw your family away over an infatuation that real progress can start. They need to hit rock bottom and admit who they were.
Reality’s bite is fierce but it can take something awful to wake some people up to how ridiculous they’ve been. He has a ton to unpack here. My husband had a ton of stuff to do about avoidance and lying to himself but facing it honestly it helped him out a great deal. He said that until he admitted everything to himself and took full responsibility for what he did, he had no accountability or integrity. He hated being that guy.
He really struggled with the shame from what he did and the blame shifting and grandiosity came from avoiding and struggling to face who he was back then: a guy with no integrity, a liar, a cheat and a fraud. He convinced himself he’d found something way better and fabulous but despite believing himself in the heat of the moment, when the reality of taking action hit him, he could never understand why every time he promised her he would leave, he shit himself and never wanted to. Going so far and losing so much of himself and nearly losing me over an infatuation and a fantasy appalled him. Until this guy gets there he’s not going to change.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 01/10/2025 19:24

Gloat away....

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/10/2025 19:29

You've shown so much determination and courage, getting through the past difficult months bit by bit and at least are seeing some sort of change.

I think the key words that sprang out are when you said that whatever happens - it will be on your terms.

It's a good principle to stick to.