Something isn't right thread #2

[FourAndFive]

Thanks so much for all your help and support. I can't believe the first thread is full - there isn’t a huge amount to update on right now, but I am looking forward to the future with my head held high, whatever the outcome. I'll keep posting.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

He is NOT ill, FFS …..

@Reebokker it’s still a choice to continue though.
Dependency or not, mental and/ or physical, they still need to choose: Do I choose to continue regardless or get help to end my dependency/ addiction?

I agree he needs to choose to get help. He’s got himself into a marriage crisis. OP is giving him time in hope he comes to his senses.
What do OP & PPs think about these options?:

1. hobby continues but no nights away without OP & no msging or seeing his “friend” outside of the hobby meet up? He should tell OW “I have a wife, it’s inappropriate to spend time with you away from hobby, get a therapist”.
2. Or find a different group for same hobby??
3. Or a 3-6 month break away from hobby. Return in spring. No contact OW

I know easier said than done & maybe OP will slowly come to this realisation once she’s processed & gathered strength. But I think I’d divorce. I couldn’t get past the taking his wife to meet OWs parents & trying to get my dad on his side re OW, the suicide threat at thought of not seeing OW.

I have read both threads. I know they have all met. But vulnerable young woman and her family have zero clue on the extent of his obsession.

Seems to me OP was wheeled out to meet her family as a smoke-screen (arranged by her DH) as her family were understandably curious, unsettled, concerned about this ‘friendship’. This was a highly manipulative move - consistent with many of his other behaviours around this issue.

I am not aware that any of them are aware of how unstable he is (s@icidal threats) and how his behaviour has imploded his family. Any reasonable person would walk away from this mess once they were informed that they were inadvertently involved.

If there is nothing in it as he claims - then I would call his bluff and ask him to sit down with you both and explain to her that had this unreasonable suspicion about him and for him to tell her in front of you that he has zero interest in ever pursuing an emotional or intimate affair.

Its much more to it. Husband told op that their young adult kids will like her. Like really ? For what reason ??

Unless her parents want to hand her over to just anyone who will look after their vulnerable daughter, and surprise! They got a candidate, on what logic all this meet up with his wife and her parents proceeded

This is the ridiculousness of the husband. In which parallel universe will the children like the women that broke their parents marriage? This is also something that needs to be discussed in marriage counselling as tbh he is delusional thinking his children will share his enthusiasm!

Agree. Unless he sees her as a stepmother along the line why would it be relevant?

My DH has loads of friends from lots hobbies - our teens have never met them and it would be totally irrelevant if they liked them or not.

His subconscious is seeping out in his words and actions.

Yup, he's nipped aboard the twilight express of not actually being abe to see his words are exposing his thoughts.

Men continually shop themselves by what they consider perfectly innocent comments.

Idiots.

Very astute observation re his subconscious

This comment, and lots more on this thread - I don't mean to single you out CanIget, sounds like we're discussing a teenager or a recent school leaver or something. The OW is a 28 year old woman! Nobody is 'handing her over to' anyone. Unless she was raised in a convent, she knows the level of her involvement with OP's husband is unacceptable. If you look at the very first post, the OP speaks of them giving one another gifts, texting all day and conversing in an overly affectionate way.

The thread isn't mime, I'm commenting alongside others. Thank you for singling me out but it doesn't change my take on things. The young ow is vulnerable

I’ve just read through both of your threads and I want to say that I’m so so sorry that you’re in this awful situation.
The way you are handling it all with such dignity is inspiring.
I hope he sees sense and realises that he’s jeopardising his entire family life for the sake of this woman and the hobby.

Hi OP - I hope you are coping with everything. Do update us when you have a chance please!

@Notthehill What like a performing pony? The OP isn't here for your entertainment. OP will post when she has something to say, or add or ask for advice. Your tone is really rude and demanding and so unnecessary.

I’ve read all your posts and feel so sorry for what you are going thru.
I wish you all the best.
I found out my husband had been in a 5 year affair (finished when I found out)
We are going to therapy thru Relate. I’m not sure if / how much it’s helping as there seems to be too much focus on why it started. I get that that needs exploring however, just now I feel I would benefit more from him opening up about his feelings / guilt / remorse around the affair. Our therapist is definitely on the fence, as I suppose they have to be, but I find it very frustrating. May I ask where you found your therapist …

Hey OP @FourAndFive Hope you're ok as can be.

I stumbled upon this article on limerance today, and thought of this thread/your dh:

https://www.npr.org/2025/09/20/nx-s1-5534087/the-science-of-limerence-romantic-obsession?fbclid=Iwb21leANCHi1leHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHs4wk0ZMbxrSpbkdfq4KlBw8xMntxwOmzBbQ4dNVwDwONqmBfbyAP4tBa97S_aem_X9GvyiPnG4XKpgsREDn2ZA

@Iwillcomeouttheotherend probably because looking at why it started will be painful
looking at the hurt is more sympathetic to you.
and I don't blame you! I'd dread assessing where my relationship might have gone wrong 🥸

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It started because your husband chose to lie. It started because your husband chose to be selfish. It started because your husband chose not to share his feelings with you.
You cannot take any responsibility for choices you were not part of making.
That's not to stay you won't find that there were parts of your marriage that weren't perfect. But the right thing for him to do would have been to try to fix them, or to choose to leave. Him choosing to have an affair is entirely on him.
He needs help to figure out why he made that choice. Why did he not choose to try and fix things, why didn't he have the integrity to leave if he wanted someone else? What's up with his moral code, why did he feel the affair was helpful? Why couldn't he tell you, why couldn't he share his feelings with you? Those are all him issues.
What you build next is a new relationship. The old one is dead and you'll need to mourn it. But you do get to pick what's worth keeping from the old one and what's worth throwing away. You get to renegotiate your boundaries and expectations which much more honesty than before.
But you need to know it wasn't in any way your fault. And your therapist shouldn't be on the fence on that fact.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne , It's not definite that he is having an affair.

I know someone who is 'in love' with his wife's friend. It isn't reciprocated.
We've (his friends) have told him to leave his wife, but he won't because 'of his marriage vows'.

The couple are still married, and are fond of each other, but it is sad to see.

So much this.

I think that comes down to how you define affair.
He's in an inappropriate relationship with another woman and placing that above his family and his wife's feelings

You have told a married man to whom you are friends to leave his wife???? Am I reading this correctly

I presume they mean because it’s not fair on his wife .